Awash in a sea of confusion...

I remember some dumb poems I used to write when I couldn't or wouldn't be able to express my emotions in a direct and honest manner.

I've changed that entirely as I now wish to express my emotions, when and where I like. Here on the bipolar American is even better. For my friends and fellow bipolar american's this growth period is for you.

What does it represent? What does the bipolar do that is significantly different than other people?

Damn good questions, but now for the answer: balance.

The polarity which is life, we've got a north pole and a south pole, making the world bi-polar.

Being ill has been the toughest experience for me of late. I'm sure it therefore contains the most information I need to carry on, so I have to face the situation with complete honesty like a surgeon's blade cutting through years of defense mechanisms, negative characterizations of myself, family luggage tossed my way to carry, and the force which holds it all together: fear.

I no longer believe that a doctor can help me with this illness, I think I'm the only one.

Right now there is so much energy around me that is from the past, that is depressing and negative, but then I realize that I called it out, and now must put it away and to rest.

I sure don't want to stay in this atmosphere I've created for very long, and I can't imagine how I intended to live through this.

For some reason I was thinking about an old friend of mine who used drugs since she was a pre-teen and now she's over 50 and still using drugs. I saw her last year as I stayed at the house, she still lives at home, her father is quite old and an old friend too.

But she refused to change anything, she apparently wanted and continues to want to be intoxicated at all times, on anything from alcohol to psychiatric medications. Yes, it's a serious lifetime of decay going on.

Yet, she's a really nice person, but could never love herself enough to get through all the shit.

I see it now with kids I know here who are really struggling. One particular kid attempted to get into the military and was refused because of the practice of "cutting."

Now, he's either going to believe that there is something wrong with him, and allow this experience to verify that supposition, or he's going to believe that there's something wrong with them, and point the finger their way.

Here comes balance once again, the teacher.

There is something he's not being honest with himself about, something causing great amounts of pain which bring him to a point of consciously inflicting pain and altering his body.

Likely he will internalize this as more evidence of his failures and his feelings of being different and misunderstood.

What can change this?

Learning from it. What could he possibly learn from being thrown out of the military for cutting.

He could begin to ask himself why he's cutting. Not judge cutting as right or wrong, like the military did. They don't cut, they kill.

He also could realize that he almost went somewhere that he could have been killed or worse maimed. He may have had to kill other people, and really, likely, as sensitive a nature as he actually has, that may have been worse than being hurt himself.

The basic element to all of this, is balance. Not having the balance to look at each situation individually. And judging is not necessarily the same as using good judgement, so he needs to begin to understand that just to get to the surface to take a deep breath of fresh air.

We can never do exactly the same thing twice. That is an illusion. Because you cannot put together the exact time and circumstances it stands to reason you cannot do the same thing twice.

So, every single thing you do, is unique and good for one ride only. You might want to make it good.

But there are those who are caught up in the illusion of repetition, we all have believed it at some point, as we learn the vitality of each moment, of the here and now.

I refuse to struggle against all this old energy that has been churned up on the storm waves of my life. I can see and feel it all there, depression, anger, hopelessness, swirling around me, yet there is no clear and present danger to account for the onslaught.

I've been watching it for a few days not knowing what it all meant. Then I refused to be a part of what needs to be naturally molted, sloughed off, so that a new shinier skin can appear.

So, I'm not interested in wrestling with it, talking about it, or judging it, I'm ready to let it go.

I think healing is the letting go process. And I believe now that this current storm is directly related to my "illness."

When I focus on what I want and not what I don't want, I usually get it. When I'm in fear of not having something I want, then the consequences are exactly what I asked for. I asked that the universe verify for me that I will not get what I want by having fear.

I feel more fear right now than I have in a long time. In fact, it's been overwhelming. That's what gave this all away to me, I'm in far too much fear for it to be totally created here in the present time, this comes from way back.

As I've changed my beliefs, it has altered my actions, and therefore my energy.

Faith is something I am beginning to understand in a way I may even be able to casually explain it. It's such a powerful system to live by that we don't even recognize it's simplicity.

I like the fact that many geniuses such as Albert Einstein, have recognized the obvious evidence of the creator. The role of a "creator" has often been criticized and argued by those confusing religion, a series of rituals and dogmas which we are to adhere to if we are to move on to a "better place," missing the whole point.

(really religion is a manifestation to deal with the fear of death or death of the ego, as in old age.)

We are all made of the same stuff, whether you're an earthworm or a government employee.

And we are here. This is your destination.

Knowing that every single thing that happens or has happened has been in your best interest, for us to learn to turn something unpleasant into something better is emotional alchemy. Learning not to turn everything into a negative is another handy tool for the life kit.

When I know that I am from the same creator as everyone else, I am compassionate.

When I know that everything that is happening to me will be to my benefit, I am safe to learn from my mistakes.

When I know in my heart that my life is my service to this whole world, to the whole source, than I know I am a co-creator in life and take that responsibility seriously.

When I change my energy and create a positive flow, a truth, whatever we want to call it, I am powerful.

When I realize I don't have to change the negative energy, that I only have to create the positive energy; it requires no ingredients at all, except to have the awareness to put it into action.

I got these words of wisdom sometime last year from a friend of mine, and it made a difference in how I would soon be looking at my world.
"Get in touch with joy. Any idiot can be happy cause their life is going well. A Superior person aspires to be happy in spite of their fucked life! That's how optimists think. Love you lots. Forgive yourself every day."

No truer words could be said. Create happiness, it doesn't happen, it's a state of mind.

And forgive yourself everyday. I didn't know what that meant for a while, since I am more masochistic and prefer to crucify myself everyday, so I had to ponder that whole idea.

"What? let me off the hook for being stupid, I don't think so."

Then it became a reality that some of my physical difficulties are manifesting from my own brutal treatment of myself. Which I should acknowledge was borrowed from those around me who "loved" me.

As I realize forgiving myself is as important as forgiving others. Treating other people with more compassion than yourself, is what?

Not in balance.

I'm in the middle of a shit storm, and moments from now I may again get caught in the layers of stripping paint. Just when you think you found the bare wood, you find that a lot of layers can be painted over the long years. Although you maybe tempted to paint over the peeling layers, it won't work. It will all just strip away. All your work gone.

When you do get to the bare wood, sand it, and look at it like it's the first time, you may decide not to paint it. You may like it and just finish it, blemishes and all.

I lived in Greensburg, Indiana for a few years, in an old Victorian home, two staircases, years of wallpapering and paint, and we didn't know what was underneath.

Our entry moulding, staircase and railings were covered in carpet and paint. One day I was doing what kids do, racing up and down the stairs, and I tore the carpet.

After a great big family argument about how irresponsible, immature, and so on, I was for doing this damage, we realized that there was some really nice old, solid oak.

So, we pulled all the carpet, removed paint of various colors and shades, and found a beautiful 100 plus, year old, staircase. We, I actually did most of the work, finished it and it turned out to be a showpiece really.

How many of us are hiding under years of paint and wallpaper? I know I have been, and make a sincere promise that is not what I am doing anymore.

There's been a shift, moving a large tectonic plate, the rumble has been felt and heard. Real change is associated with resistance from the other side, the side that is used to you being a certain way.

I've never acted in a vulnerable manner, which makes me wonder how strong I really am. I have changed that now, and I can feel the shift, the shaky ground, and it's scary.

But that's where faith balances that fear.

(Just to let you know, so you feel better today, it works this way whether you're labeled bipolar or not. It's life.)

I'll be riding my own creation of the bucking, stubborn mule that I am. I'm sure it will be fun and full of kicks in the teeth.

Bi-polar Chic

Just to warn you in case of animal sabotage, I am getting sleepy, very sleepy...

A good friend of mine whom I met during one of the many upheavals which mark my life, wrote to me recently and told me what I am doing on these blogs, the fight I have put on, was "bi-polar chic."

And what she meant by this is that we bipolars are scatter brains who have more ideas swarming through our minds, at all times of the night I might add, than has existed since time on earth. We are weird for sure.

Because of the tidal wave of information we have a tendency to drop something, a goal, a career even and move on rather quickly to something else more interesting.

That has not been the case with me of late, I've been rather, umm, let's try to say or see it, "focused."

My friend happens to be a hypnotherapist and also teaches meditation (sshh, quiet, somebody's trying not to think), which you can only imagine, my frenetic mind must be quite the entertainment or irritation, same difference.

She's been one of the people who have kept me anchored to tasks, though I have not completed my books the way she wanted me to, I still am on those projects as well. All in good time.

She's also wickedly funny, and intelligent, and has helped me through a lot of walls and issues, always with encouragement. And to have her call me bipolar chic, was too cool.

I've been thinking about her great loss this year, losing her brother, and the greif it brought on, I pray for her all the time, and she knows that I'm always here too. And I know she will come through it all with grace and more understanding...

I think I am more clear on a daily basis as to what and where I am going. I'm following the trail of bread crumbs God leaves everyday and I eagerly watch and listen for the signs on the road.

I've had an incredible learning experience over the last years, decades, oh, hell, all my life, but particularly so now.

I've used more patience, yes, this is my standard for patience, it may seem low to some of you, but I'm pushing a cannonn up a mountain, and plan on shooting it off. So, I can't expect to do this tomorrow.

But there are things that are important to me, I've clarified this murky purpose I've felt hovering around my mind, and now feel more in contact with the universe, and all it's peeples. I feel content knowing now what I want, and also the confidence in my own ability to persist and carry out the actions necessary to get there.

(starting to doze, it's nighty night time, let's see if I can finish)

Bipolar chic: I like it. Thank you.

Somebody needs to tell me it's okay to take a break...I fell asleep during the last post

I just signed on here to look at and possibly finish my post on labels, and I started laughing when I saw what had happened. I fell asleep, you can see where I start to lose it, misspelling, then suddenly there's a whole series of question marks.

Either me, the dogs or the cat, hit that button and scrolled out all the question marks, and then I actually woke back up to finish it. But I apparently was so groggy, I didn't notice the repeated symbols.

That is both funny and sad, as I think I need somebody to tell me it's okay to take a break. Yes, I want to finish my story about labels and I will, (I'm leaving the post the way it is, it's funny) but I need to be okay to relax.

I just don't relax anymore. I don't know how really. I push myself as far as I can go, until, I get a blog full of cat or dog typing.

(Maybe the dogs saw I fell asleep and attempted to write their own blog. Just a thought, a stupid one)

Today, I felt good, got some shots in my neck, and the first thing I wanted to do this morning, was lay down and relax. Not do anything.

It was nice, sitting in bed, tired, but having really low pain levels. I didn't want to ruin it by driving or doing anything.

Truth, I actually sent my 90 year old neighbor to the store and then later for dinner, take out. He needed the exercise and we are quite a pair of neighbors.

The first time I met him, Brad, the WWII veteran, and general good guy, I was stuck on my roof and couldn't get down.

What possessed me to attempt the roof was unbeknownst to me, but I did, then got stuck. With no balance system getting back down the latter was tough.

I yelled for Brad, "help, umm, I'm stuck on my roof."

Finally, the elderly SOB heard me and came out and helped me off the roof.

He's been a great neighbor, I'm lucky, and at 90 he's doing pretty well. But he did have a stroke a couple years ago, and has had some health problems since then.

I watch for him, he watches for me, knows what time I get home if I leave, and knows when I'm back.

One day, I called him and he said he had fallen, and I could hear a slight slur to his voice, so I went over to check. He was disoriented and had a rug burn on his head from falling out of his chair. He has an electric chair, I don't know if it ejected him or what, but he slid in face first.

He wouldn't go to the hospital the stubborn old man he is, so the stubborn mule I am, called an ambulance.

We checked his blood pressure and off he went. When I got to the hospital 20 minutes later, I asked how he was doing, they said fine. I said, what do you mean fine, he's having a stroke, how's his blood pressure? She said fine.

I went in and indeed on the monitor, blinking away, was normal blood pressure. I asked what they had given him and she said, nothing.

Then the doctor came along and I grabbed him and told him he needed to recheck the pressure, as both the paramedics and Brad's home blood pressure test read him as high.

The doctor then said something about giving him different channel blockers, calcium blockers, and a whole show off list of medications. I stopped him to tell him Brad had been given nothing.

He yelled for a nurse and they used a new cuff and indeed, he had high blood pressure, so they began treating his stroke.

Long story, but it goes to show you how a small, strange incident can occur to change everything. What would have happened if I didn't go in there and check?

Well, one thing might be that Brad would not have been available today to shop and get Mexican take out for me, and I would have been hungry.

Somebody, stop me, and tell me to relax. I won't, but it's a thought...I'll just fall asleep writing.
Hey, readers, didn't you think that was weird, the scrolling thing? You should have told me my fly was down and there was spinach in my front teeth. Thanks.

More on labels, but the issue is being addressed in the blog: The jewel of the district, over at KVHD under fire.

Label makers

My sister said to me the other day, "I'm agorophobic," which means you are usual afraid of leaving your home, but it's translated as afraid of wide open spaces.

Anyway, I said what does that even mean, you're agorophobic? It's a label for something underlying. And then you are categorized as a mental health problem. Then you talk to doctors who want to give you drugs for it. Then the regular doctors have records of your "problem" contained only in a label, and base your treatment on this all inclusive title you now have. You tell your friends and family that you are agorophobic and they begin to treat you differently. They are worried, they want to intervene, they won't tell you the truth to avoid an argument. Then on some level you internalize this label and you deem it positive or negative. The symptoms are negative, but it gives you a way out from dealing with the underlying issues.

What did my sister really mean to say when she labeled herself? I think it was something difficult to cope with. It was changing jobs in a tough economy, a sick relationship, a pop on the head from the kids, the anniversary of her father's death, and on.

That's what she meant.

Those labels we hide behind them. The bi-polar label is a complex matter for me. I guess I accept all the connotations which go with it for the sake of helping others understand their chemical differences.

I'm emotionally and chemically different, and I refuse to say that it is not both good and tough at the same time.

Labels and judgments

People make judgments based on labels, and we are covered in labels, take a look at yourself. What labels have you internalized?

Are you an intellectual, stupid, average, happy, nice, mean, ugly, beautiful, old, young, strong, weak, cowardly, courageous, or one of many labels you have on you.

What does it mean to have all these labels

People think of you in terms of your lables. You are, say, a female, mother, overweight, white skinned, and you will be treated based on these first impressions.

Labels speak and portray certain things without any facts to stand pebehind them. I've recently dealt with such a person. I should call her no facts, that should her label.

But there is also the fact that we give labels to others: "she's an alcoholic," "he's a workaholic," she's a difficult woman and or "bitch" or he's a real "bastard."

I've entered situations where I've been given the "rundown" on people with a bunch of label making. The boss is fair up to a point, where he isn't really fair. He's a slave driver, a monarch, or whatever pejorative terms to come up with.

Now, I go meet this person with this impression in my head. Sometimes people don't question the label, knowing that if tlfey do, they dontinued and 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Imagine now that you have been scanned by the "average" mind, you also know how to manipulate the interpretaton by acting a certain way. Or if you gave completely false information, this person would have to accept the data until proven wrong.

Writing from the heart...

Although this blog is about a lot of things, bi-polar disorder, creativity, sprituality, life, love, happiness and fighting of course, I thought I would start here to explain what I will be writing about on my other blog this week.

It's a personal story, and it's a real story, of rural health. My interest in writing it is to stave off the bad medicine which seems to happen at the Rural Health Clinic in Mt. Mesa, California.

When I say "bad medicine" that means a lot of different things. I think about how the fact that I am bi-polar has kept me from getting treated like a human being over there.

I left the place two months ago, and have been planning this story since the last day I spoke to my doctor over there. It's not like we spoke, we hit a wall, and he thought that was okay. (I carry a sledge hammer though and walls don't bother me much)

This story, I hope, will make better healthcare professionals out of these people. Not that I think it will happen overnight: they're not going to read it and suddenly understand what kind of fuck ups having been going on over there.

I'm sure they will be angry with me at first. I think what I will be saying in it's rawest form, will be at the very least uncomfortable, and at the most it will have them blowing smoke out of their ears.

But when we don't complain, when we don't tell the truth, things don't change and illness festers.

Walking away from a situation only to know others will follow that same path and may suffer the same mistakes you endured, is not fair.

Telling the truth, is what is fair. I'm going to tell it like it was. All of it.

The community here can accept it or reject it, it's truly up to them. But I will have the knowledge that I tried to make a change.

Healthcare reform has less to do with insurance as it has to do with how we treat people, and how we allow the pharmaceutical companies to remain in control of the medications, while insurance companies control their part of the money. It's a mess.

It doesn't have to be, but it is. I was going to go into insurance as some of my family wanted me to work with them. They thought i would be good at it. I did go to the point of taking the classes and getting the license, then realized, what kind of fucked up industry is this?

I did not like it or respect it, knowing that with a few changes, we all could have good insurance, doctors could be paid what they want, pharmaceuticals could still get their share, and insurance companies could simplify and have all the money they want.

I'll preview this as I intend to outline the whole plan on the other blog: Your government, your problem: an owner's manual.

But what if every single person in this country put in money to cover their insurance? If you take the population figures, and multiply by $5, then you would have a booming industry. Anyone who is not a resident would pay more, and those on vacation here would have to pay a healthcare tax before departing their plane.

Done. Everyone has insurance, and everyone is treated. Volume. (I stole that thought from a CFO)

It didn't take much to figure this out, but our government can't seem to get those hands out of their pockets long enough to do the right thing.

Obama's plan should scare us all. It was thrown together too quickly for one thing, and second, the beneficiaries of the plans are the insurance companies and pharma. Nothing changed, it was just spun.

Back to the story, I am only one, but everyone is one, and all of us can do something about the things that come across in our lives the one's that call to us, our call to duty.

This story is calling me...See you soon Rural Health Clinic

Take your own advice

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and that is that we as social creatures feel we need to help each other out. In the course of doing just that, we come up with some "good advice."

"I think you should slow down the pace, take time to look at things while you're relaxed, and then come up with an answer. Don't do it while you're in a bad state of mind"

Hey, that's some good advice.

We all know sometimes we're in a mood or under pressure and we make a decision we would not otherwise make, and if we had only waited and relaxed we could have seen more of the picture to make a wiser decision.

But we rarely take advice. Yes, we nod in agreement, "good thinking", and then go about following our out of control emotions.

And we never seem to take our own advice, which is what this blog is about. Each of us at some time or another gave out some great advice, something that dropped out of the heavens in fact. We were even proud that we could so clearly see what somebody else should do.

Then a week or so later, we, ourselves, the sagacious advice givers, find that we should have taken our own advice, but we didn't.

It was good enough for somebody else, but then when we need it, we totally forget what advice we created. Suddenly we're lost.

I love my friends. They hear the wisdom of my advice and so gently throw it back in my face when I'm not using it myself.

But what is advice? Well, it's a plan to deal with a situation which the person has blocked, been in denial about, or cannot see for some reason the practicality of the suggestion.

Advice is suggestion and there is different kinds of advice.

There's advice about an issue like your taxes, where you really don't know much about it and you have to pay to get advice as what to do, what is the best course of action.

Then there's suggestions from people who have been around you and observed you and know from experience what type of advice to give you. They probably have said it ten times before, but you weren't listening.

"Oh, that is really smart, why didn't you tell me that before?" (I did)

Selective hearing and selective understanding is an issue we deal with when someone is in a situation that isn't necessarily good for them and they don't want to face it.

You say, "I know the car means a lot to you, but it's not worth the money to fix it."

"But I have had that car since I was in high school (which isn't an argument, more of an emotional response); there are too many memories to just give it away."

Now you can't give advice based on logic and reason to someone who is basing all their actions on their emotions. So, now you have the opportunity to give emotional advice, which is different.

"Do you think passing that car along to your son the automechanic would be okay as he could fix it and it would still be in the family. He might let you drive it around."

"Hey, that's good advice."

Then there's the bad advice, the type given just to make the person seem stupid, ugly or to put them down or to manipulate them.

"You know if you lost 2o pounds you would look so much better and people wouldn't look at you and say you're fat. And then if you just dress differently you could cover up those rolls you're cooking around your waste."

That is not advice or is it being said because your best interest is in mind. This is called fake advice to make the other person feel superior.

"You know you could have done so many other things, I don't know why you continue to work in this field there's no money there."

Again, it's all negative, its not intended for anyone's benefit.

Also, if you notice, people who give negative "advice" are usually the one's who are insecure. Both the examples above could be coming from people who hate their jobs and stay for the security and money, and a person overly obsessed with the way they look therefore the way others look.

But when you hear yourself give a gem of advice to someone you care about, use it. You will probably need it yourself some day.

Don't say to someone stop smoking cigarettes, and then light up.

Don't tell your kids not to stay out late and come crawling in at dawn.

Advice is a powerful tool for yourself and the people you care about. Just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons and if you are, then take your own advice.

We often want the best for our friends before ourselves. But that same sage wisdom can be used by you.

It's amazing how smart we are if we are not so afraid as to speak up but even more so if we are able to listen to our own words and utilize them.

Advice which is proven is another thing too.

It falls into categories such as direction, education, and friendship.

"I got the stains out of the carpet with a glass of wine and battery acid."

(Thanks, I might try it or not)

But advice should never be forced upon someone, we all have our own ideas about how we want to live, and feelings of the direction we need to go in, and that's when advice should turn into support.

"I really like how happy you are these days with your new job. You seem to enjoy it and they seem to appreciate you. You made a good choice there. Glad to see you doing so well."

People sometimes have issues of jealousy, and instead of giving support, they turn it into competition.

Same scenario: "I haven't seen you at all since you got that job. Hope you're getting paid for all your hours. And do you really think that commute is worth it. It's your life, I'm just saying."

Now, putting both these scenarios together into supportive advice: "I'm so glad to see you happy these days and I think your new job has really changed you and given you confidence. The only drawback I see is the commute. Do you think you could use the train?"

We share advice with each other, and sometimes we need to understand what we are doing when we communicate in this manner.

Sometimes I'll be telling someone something and I'll realize that it applies to me too. So, we both benefit from the exchange.

If you find that people give you mostly negative advice, then you need to stop listening to them. Keep the people around you who will be honest, straightforward, not critical and jealous.

There are always going to be those who can't see you for the great person you are, because they can't see themselves that way either.

My advice is this: understand that people do have things to say that can assist you on your journey, and you also have experience, wisdom and compassion to pass along on your way too. However, there will be those who will not be capable of having your best interests at heart, and therefore you may want to take heed that advice coming from these types of people is usually very self centered.
But there is wisdom in everything, listen and look for it.

(Oh where did I put it?)