Sunday, May 18, 2014

Testing my own worth:The Bi-polar American

I guess it's been as far back or projected forward in my future plans, a glitch. That is that I don't seem to care much for myself. I'd rather not have to choose as there doesn't seem to be anything listed that I want.

There are core issues, what is me after losing all my belongings my house, my voting rights, my labels that appeared timeless, that I am sorting thru with a heavy heart.

Missing are the people I love so much, they are my top priority. But the only way is thru the wall into me. Into loving me, liking me.

It all seemed so useless, I have been told repeatedly that I have failed on some or another level. Nothing is quite right about me according to the world looking in at me. I jump the hoops and still don't make the mark.

Thirty years I didn't do drugs as I saw people become addicted and sad cases, so I avoided it. Then I try it and I'm labeled a felon now because I tried to see it for what it was.

It was not a problem I get bored with everything, but it was a choice to try it.

Judging myself was a full time job, as I never manage to get it where others see I should go. I have felt blind all my life, deaf to the call, but wild with hope that there would be better. Now I'm the one  who has to make me better.

How to do this is a true search for my own meaning here. I don't get it. But I'm looking for it. Me. I see that I really enjoy sharing with others tales of stupidity, success, the experiences. Writing or story telling would certainly be my bent.

Bards would tell their stories, histories, myths roaming from town to town. A renewal of this sort of personal sharing is part of what I yearn for.

I realize I haven't been able to even get my first podcast going...WTF? I have been waiting years to get the technology, but it was not available in Weldon, the former home of my former house. 

Maybe a new way, it's a new day. I'm creating the best I can, and outside of this, is more...

There are people who are afraid I may say something or do something out of the ordinary.


But that is what I do. It's time for break in the fast of those who choose to avoid those of us who are different and damn good reason. 

What am I worth, just money or what makes me a value? My humor in the face of fierce opposition to my fun and chocolate side. Laughter really does heal me.

But it's time to shore up to the money side of value as they are all included. Not much left, but I have untapped resources and talents.

First up though  is to put some dinner on the plates and tend to the pets.

More on my worth....

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Squatters and vandals...


It's been a while since I felt my fingers on a key board. It's been even longer since I have had a computer that has not been stolen from me.

Update is that I am out of the car style living, now into my completely destroyed home, where my parrot SKy and I live in squalor.

The team of Macaws and effects have been a moto-roost for a couple months now. Sky nutted up at the end, she's lonely. She has such good drug detecting qualities she could be used at an airport and I'm sure they would give her a cut. lol

Walter, Dukeskywalter, will hopefully be in our stead tomorrow. Then the three amigos will head toward the coast as the house is up for sale and claims to insurance are in order. Our next step I'm hoping for some times with good people, a new computer, and a room in a comfortable, creativity inspiring home.

I"m sure whatever needs to happen will be next. In the mean time, I keep going, Sky is resting her weary mobile bird head, and I go get our Boxer buddy from the desert.

More as the team returns together looking for another home on the coast with friends.