Friday, August 21, 2009

To my brother: Please stop drinking, I love you so much

Brother, I know you didn't expect to see anything like this on the blog, but as I said, this blog is about real issues. Your drinking problem is real. My concern is real. Your fiance's feelings are real too.

I know that I can't make you stop drinking. But I'm not willing to accept all the excuses you've been giving lately as to why you are doing it, again.

You say you can't write music without it, I'm not biting on that. I write daily without a single sip of booze, because I'm not afraid. I write crap I don't like all the time. I fail, fall on my face, and sometimes embarrass myself in the process. It makes me feel human really.

Booze is the fear buster isn't it? Nobody drinks Colt45 for the taste, its an alcoholic's choice. Cheap, nauseating buzz. You're trying to escape something and I don't know what it is. Maybe you don't either.

You left my house one night and forgot several cans of this beverage, and I caught our dog, we both love, Walter, lapping up the beer. When I yelled at him, he ran off drunk with a beer can in his mouth. (I'm sure we are officially white trash over here)

It's reached a point where I cannot bare to see you with a bottle of cheap beer in a bag, revving up your bi-polar engine, and screwing up your chemistry.

This has gone on too long. I watched you torture yourself with drugs, all kinds and any drugs basically for years. I lost you. I couldn't get through to you. And I realize even now it may just be too late this time as well.

I know you don't have a father anymore, and our mother is a lost, barren, soul, but you have me and our sister. And as you know, you called me back here, when I lay dead on your bathroom floor.

You also saved my life just weeks before that too. So, something tells me I am alive today at the request of you.

You then asked me to come out as bi-polar, so you didn't have to hide your own issues in shame and misunderstanding, and I did that. You wanted to see if justice could happen and I'm working hard on that project. I'm sure you will be pleased with the results if you put down your beer fear long enough.

I've shown you many times how to not let the bumps in the road stop you from doing what you love to do. You are a musician, you were born playing, you were never taught, you just knew.

But you bumped into the competition, I'm not good enough, I'll fail, energy, and forgot about the love of playing music. Each time you hit this stupid energy, you think you need a drink.

Fall on your face and fail, its great I do it all the time. When you get up from it, yeah it's bit painful, but its good to know there are an infinite number of notes and lyrics, an abundance of power in the universe, for you to use to create.

Somehow you have to use your music to heal yourself. But as of the last few years, you have been creating some sort of distorted ego to compensate for your lack of self esteem.

You've heard me say it a million times, we are all fucked up in some way or another, you're no better and no worse. You think deep down inside, in the quiet hours, that you are somehow worse than the rest of us. How could that be?

In fact you are more sensitive than most others and you have to account for that. Don't build a facade to cover up what is most special about you, your heart, your caring nature, your empathy, and your music. Your music that only you can produce through your filter.

But let's get down to it here as I've always been direct with you whether you like it or not. Stop drinking now. No more for the rest of your life. Kick out the fucking fear. FEAR: false evidence appearing real.

Kick out the depression you have brought on by altering your chemistry with alcohol. Depression is a sneaky little thing isn't it? It creeps up on you, whispers all sorts of down trodden messages. If you listen to it, believe it, then you are bound to live it. Have another beer it says and it will get better. People will hear the "real" stuff about you and all your superior drunken opinions.

It's drunken gibberish, which diminishes your capacity to really express yourself. God help you just express it, get it out. But it has to be done sober.
Brother we have so many chemicals firing off in our brains, we don't need anything else.

Your life is at the edge right now. The woman you love, and who will be the love of your life, cannot go through this anymore. You can't do this to her. And if you really want children, which is a tremendous responsibility, you can't do it to them.

It's not just about sobering up, its about changing the way you operate and think about your place in this world.

You're not strong yet. You have a ways to go. And the door to the pub of your life is closing. You will either be locked in or out for good depending on what you do next.

When you read this today, after you eat some breakfast off a plate and not out of a can, know that I'm going to suffer with you. You will not be alone.

I've never really been a drug addict, so I don't have that experience to share.
But I do still smoke cigarettes, which in some way is an escape, so I quit. That's it. I'll face down whatever energy started this habit in the first place. I know what it was too. Maybe it scares me. It must.

You will also never see me drink again, because I don't want you to think that I can do something you can't. It's no big loss for me.

Let's do it together. You're not alone this morning, I will be over here wondering why the pen on the desk looks so much like a cigarette.

I'm with you brother and I wish I could do it for you, but I can't. But I will take the steps with you and stop smoking.

It's really the end of the line, the rock bottom, you don't want to lose everything and everybody who cares but cannot watch you do this to yourself.

If you really can't handle life, and don't recognize and appreciate the wonderful things you have, and the good people in your life, then you will just continue down the path of destruction. It's your choice.

Just because you have a thought doesn't mean you have to act on it. This has all been your choice to live in fear and in alcohol.

And if you truly want to do this and don't believe you can do it yourself, then get help. AA is one way, our sister is an expert in that area. Or there's other ways to change your way of thinking, which is likely the whole problem.

Call me this morning and talk to me after you read this. Tell me what you're going to do. I love you so much and pray that you will find a way to come out of this.

Stop drinking and create through the pain. Remember, you did that before? Use the pain, transform it into something special. Like you.

But this is it, and that's why we're on the blog. She's already talked to you, and now you've heard from me. So, which is more frightening, losing us, or losing booze? Let me know. Love Laura

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