Thank God, I have another blog where I can come to and write what's on my mind. This has been a crazy, emotional week, beginning to even describe it will be difficult.
After so long, being ill, stressed out, and generally disagreeable, I've kind of hit the floor again. Crying; lots of it this week.
I guess I'm growing up whether I like it or not.
People are fucked, the system is fucked, and why I ever thought it wasn't supposed to be that way is beyond me. I guess parents, teachers, government, religion, philosophy, psychology, theologies, had me thinking that there could be some intelligence, fairness in this world.
Stupidly, I thought people were real and authentic, and that deep down they really cared. What I've learned is deep down they are really scared.
Scared to be who they are and frightened to death that they might slip and be normal, fuck ups like the rest of us already know we are.
I know I have some fantasy world I live, not live in, but actually live. It's the one where people are more like me: not afraid to tell the truth, unembarrassed to be themselves, trying to be better and learn. Willing to admit to the truth, and more than anything else to stick to the truth, whether its painful or not.
Yeah, the great Pollyanna. The hero complex and all the rest.
I tried to live my ideals. Then I found out that by doing this, by being free to be me, I have upset the apple cart.
It's been a lifetime's worth of "I really respect you and like you," but could you change this long list of things about yourself so you don't scare me so much.
My early life was all about lies and deceit. Whether anyone in my family will ever admit to their own complicity and denial, is really unlikely. It's hard to watch people do the same things year after year until they fucking die.
But because I have some weird issue about the truth, I spent my life arguing, debating and fighting. Gee, things have really changed.
I remember the gossip mills from my childhood. Hell it was right there in my own house. Grossly flawed people judging other people about their race, religion, jobs, weight, height, color of their hair, the way they spoke, it didn't seem to matter, they just wanted to feel better about themselves by taking down others. (loserville)
I watched this for years. So, in my tiny child mind, I deduced that I didn't particularly care for this sort of mindset, and set out about finding my own. But I had to fight through the morass to get to my own situation, which is far from good, but the best I could do.
The past never goes away, we all have so many things that hurt us, and we think, "oh, if I don't think about it, it will be all right." And others who won't stop thinking about the past events yet will never do anything to actively try to change it.
Bitching and complaining, but no ovaries/balls to do anything about it.
I can't help but remember a short term job I had in an office situation. For one looonnnnngggg year, I heard everyone talking about all the negative issues within the office. My hours suck; my desk is in a corner, the boss is an idiot, the managers treat us like children, the system is inconvenient and on and on.
Not thinking I would be there very long, I didn't engage these things, and just made the best of my situation. Which tended to piss everyone off. Yes, I can have fun doing anything, pretty much.
Then the day came when they asked me to join them in a meeting with upper management. These weaklings sat there in front of the top dog, and put their noses between there paws and didn't say a thing.
The room was full of fear. The manager sensed it and began to placate everyone rather than actually problem solve.
Immediately I became irritated with the situation. Suddenly, I was talking, and giving it a good go. There's not too many who could have kept up with me in an argument in my younger days. And this day would be no exception.
After I castrated the managers for two hours, we all left the meeting. Like a flock of frightened fowl, these employees, circled around me, eyes agog, and said, "wow."
I dissed all of them. I said I have been listening to all of you cry and moan about your situations, and when you had the chance to share your opinion and have your voice heard, you sat there.
They said, yeah, but you did great. I left the job immediately, these were not the people I mesh with.
Honestly, I don't know who I mesh with. I have very good friends who have known me for years, and they had to learn to accept me, for all that I am and am not.
This week I am a wreck. Emotionally twisted into a ball. Conflicted in every way.
Why, because I do believe if you fight for right, you will win. That's plain idiocy. Justice is a roll of the dice. It won't balance out in the end.
That's what I have to learn. I'm involved in a situation where a lot of people were hurt, including myself. What people don't know about me except my close friends, is that I'm really a kind person who only wants to do the right thing.
Other people from the outside see me as "cocky" "smartass" who thinks she knows it all.
Let me let you in on my side of that widespread opinion. I am my worst critic. I will give everyone else a break before I will take mine, if I ever do.
And recently, I decided to pray in public, which apparently caused alarm amongst the audience who heard it. So, I'm assuming my reputation has escalated to the "devil" herself.
Fuck you all for thinking I'm not in constant contact with God. I ask for guidance in all matters. I realize I know nothing, and that anything I do seem to know comes from the creator of this life.
I don't think I'm better than anybody else. Quite frankly, I often think that I am somehow lower than everyone else. But I've worked on that self esteem issue and try to realize my place in this world.
Self esteem, that's another interesting thing I've learned about with other people this week. Sadly, I see wonderful people who don't know how great they are hiding in the background of life. You can't convince people they are very important to the universe, each of us has to find that place on our own.
Then the others I most likely will fight with, are the people who are so weak on the inside that they have to put up a huge front and they are rather aggressive when you touch those tender buttons. They will lie to protect their facade, attack to keep you out of their weak areas, and everything they say will just be a reaction. Not an action, of the will. A response like a single celled organism.
My other blog is full of sarcasm, humor, showmanship, but that is a tool, it is not me. I learned it well though.
It's my invisible sword. Words are my missiles, and they have hit many targets. Some of it was friendly fire, regrettably so, but we can all learn from what makes us tick or freak.
A friend of mine asked me a question and that was, "are you happy." I had recently arrived home from another horrific medical experience and couldn't remember anything else she said.
While I took my respite to heal up, I realized I was angry about the question. Then I thought I was angry with my friend. When I stopped resisting the feelings, suddenly the answer came.
"Yes, this is what makes me happy." I called her to tell her about my answer, she hadn't really thought about it again, but I did.
We got into a long discussion about happiness, and I realized, not just intellectualized, I knew that I am becoming what I was supposed to become. What was on the back of my seed packet. "Needs partial sunlight, water and feed regularly."
Happiness is the underlying acceptance that it comes from within, not from outside sources. So many people can't or won't let themselves be happy until they have enough money, look better on the outside, have a great job, or whatever needs we use to put off being happy.
I think its more of an acceptance of all of life.
At this moment, I accept that there's a battle about to ensue, and that I will do my best to take it on. I'll do it by God's direction, and whatever happens will be what was meant to happen.
I'm learning. I'm mad at the world, but that is the stupid part, as I am my world.
Well that was wild rant. Fuck yeah. I'm afraid for my readers, because I'm wound up now. I'll try to post a warning: Rant in progress. Maybe not, you can figure it out for yourselves.
Trust is the next issue. I'm so conflicted in that area right now. It could be my lifelong issue in fact. I suppose we all go through it. But I'm sitting on documents for court and I don't know what to do but kick a chair or slam things around.
I've not been crying for myself this week, I've cried for others. Prayed that they make good decisions, that they learn, and that when the dust settles we will all come out of this thing stronger than ever before.
Good luck to us all.