(This blog is new and under construction and creation at all times. Guest writers are the core part of the reason for this outlet. To both share with everyone, bi-polar or not, and learn for themselves by opening up and getting this out. The revelations, the torment, the hilarity: there are no boundaries, no restrictions. )
now I understand
i had a conversation with my fiance about how she always says dont leave me.i said now i would never leave you for another woman.she said thats not what she means ,shes found me drenched in my own blood when i slashed my wrist to the bone,to the bone she repeated......im worried your going to leave me that way.
now how i missed that all this time...when i consider my self an empath that read peoples feeelings pretty fuckin good.cause i knew she didnt feel i would cheat,but i felt she was honestly worried about me leaving her.now i know
Move forward, or go back to what I believe I know? True uncertainty or false familiarity? Is the pain all in my mind? Is the pain worth the prize? Am I just a fool? Am I strong enough to play the fool at any cost, including having my own worst fears come to light before my very eyes? Could my spirit truly take another blow like the one I have suffered?
I am confused; The questions are endless, the torment is endless. I am stuck in the middle. I am without inertia, perpetually still. I am in an ocean of thick, black nothingness; a void so dense and without remorse it takes of my essense greedily and mocks me while doing so. I am drowning in such unrelenting sorrow that even the violins weep at my song.
Clarity is what I seek; to conclude a journey of pain endured through loss of naivity and innocence and of which wisdom may be forged; to see at last what it is that eluded my sight for so long; to open my weary eyes and let me see unclouded that which basks in mystery and hides from a careworn, persistent heart.
I long to be free from the chains that enslave my soul and eclipse the now broken, uneven light I once shared. There are no victims, and there is no blame; only choices, and the struggles and triumphs that ensue. The choice I made some time ago, be it for the better or worse...was to remain ignorant no longer.
The Birth of a Dream:
The Birth of a Dream Like all things in creation it begins small; an idea, a feeling...a faint beat from a place distant and unknown. It is fragile, fleeting, and uncertain but if you listen close - not with your ears but with your heart - a crescendo of its rhythm emerges slowly and becomes more defined until it is clear that this beat you hear deep down inside...is already a part of you.
However, your heart can be reluctant and perhaps you hesitate to listen. You cannot hide from the doubt you feel but the beat cares not. It calls out undeniably to be brought forth to light and its song heard and so you begin to toy with the idea...and to question it. "Could I if I truly wanted to?" you ask yourself doubtfully. It seems silly at first, almost absurd, and you don't take any of it very seriously...yet the beat remains steady, true, and waits patiently to be answered. "What if?"...
The questions grow in number and frequency but soon small barriers you once struggled with are overcome and triumphs of immeasurable depth and purpose are achieved until at last one day you truly hear the song. Even if others cannot hear it, you can, and the chords it strikes reverberate deep within and stir you unlike anything before. Nobody believes it's there. Nobody cares. But you do. It is no longer silly to you; it is no longer questionable; it has become a thing of meaning, beauty, and inspiration and it is yours.
Your heart now beats in steady rhythm with it and it has become the most powerful song you have ever heard or felt. This compels you and at long last the time has come to answer its call because you now understand what it is you must do. And you shall never be the same again; this was a transitional journey of the heart, mind, and soul that all began as a tiny piece of who you are...and grew into something extraordinary and more amazing than you ever imagined possible...simply because you learned to listen with your heart and in doing so witnessed...the birth of a dream.