I guess it's been as far back or projected forward in my future plans, a glitch. That is that I don't seem to care much for myself. I'd rather not have to choose as there doesn't seem to be anything listed that I want.
There are core issues, what is me after losing all my belongings my house, my voting rights, my labels that appeared timeless, that I am sorting thru with a heavy heart.
Missing are the people I love so much, they are my top priority. But the only way is thru the wall into me. Into loving me, liking me.
It all seemed so useless, I have been told repeatedly that I have failed on some or another level. Nothing is quite right about me according to the world looking in at me. I jump the hoops and still don't make the mark.
Thirty years I didn't do drugs as I saw people become addicted and sad cases, so I avoided it. Then I try it and I'm labeled a felon now because I tried to see it for what it was.
It was not a problem I get bored with everything, but it was a choice to try it.
Judging myself was a full time job, as I never manage to get it where others see I should go. I have felt blind all my life, deaf to the call, but wild with hope that there would be better. Now I'm the one who has to make me better.
How to do this is a true search for my own meaning here. I don't get it. But I'm looking for it. Me. I see that I really enjoy sharing with others tales of stupidity, success, the experiences. Writing or story telling would certainly be my bent.
Bards would tell their stories, histories, myths roaming from town to town. A renewal of this sort of personal sharing is part of what I yearn for.
I realize I haven't been able to even get my first podcast going...WTF? I have been waiting years to get the technology, but it was not available in Weldon, the former home of my former house.
Maybe a new way, it's a new day. I'm creating the best I can, and outside of this, is more...
There are people who are afraid I may say something or do something out of the ordinary.
But that is what I do. It's time for break in the fast of those who choose to avoid those of us who are different and damn good reason.
What am I worth, just money or what makes me a value? My humor in the face of fierce opposition to my fun and chocolate side. Laughter really does heal me.
But it's time to shore up to the money side of value as they are all included. Not much left, but I have untapped resources and talents.
First up though is to put some dinner on the plates and tend to the pets.
More on my worth....