The days are like years as I face my own fears...

The truth of it all

I've looked thru this blog and it shows someone who has been preparing all her life for the moment which is NOW!

Each night I sweat and writhe in pain sort of like my opiate or drug withdrawal, but it's different. It's a pain containing all my fear, regret and anger. I want it gone, goodbye! So, I won't run away or try to mask this remarkable experience with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or even my past friend marijuana.

I'm still SQUEAKY CLEAN and loving it!

If I were to be honest, which is the only thing I can count on, I would say I'm hooked on the "creator," the universe, the love that it has shown me. To have mercy on a fucking bitch like me had to come from GOD. (LOL) I have been a shithead, a big fucking baby, a rabid dog, a monster really, as my pain had built beyond my tolerance.

Then the incredible experience which took place with people who got angry and hurt me, and then helped, was too much! I will cry thinking of the cruelty and the compassion. I wish I could go back to jail and speak with the people I so enjoyed and they who would listen to a crazy looking character such as me! They showed great compassion.

(Umm, yes, they wanted me medicated, but hey, maybe now they understand I'm into this sober living. I'm also happy which doesn't account for the lack of drugs. I'm into the universe. I'm HIGH baby.)

My life didn't suck after all

I would not be me today if I had not experienced all of this and I mean ALL of this. I went willingly to the pain and came back, scarred and scared, and I would, yes, do it all over again. Oh my, did I change what I said before? Yes, and each day I am reborn into these incredible moments with you awesome people by my side. Even if you run from me, which many do, I still love you and want you to feel the freedom I feel right now.

I've learned so much from NA and AA, but I realize I learn from everything and everybody. My teachers are all around me and I'm so fucking lucky.

Losing my fear and anger has allowed me to fill myself with HOPE, CALM, and Belief that we are all here for a reason. Though my days and nights are long, they are the best! Thank GOD!!!

Take your life and love it! 

You have this moment, there are no other promises. You can't have safety, or security, this is life, it doesn't exist. You can't have success unless you are willing to fail. But you can have God or "Scooter" as I call it. Scooter was a name I created as God seemed so distant and not exactly loving. Trust me, I've never felt the mercy I feel now. What a fucked up human I am and God still has made me a light, a beacon for others.

And I am humbled before this great spirit. I am on my knees! I could have never have seen this before in my hell hole, in my contempt for myself. Until this horrible experience brought me to the light and the truth. (It's kind of uncomfortable to feel so truthful and constantly know there is nothing else.)

But I had asked for this experience for 48 years and now it's part of my daily life. I'm in no way reaching perfection: HELL NO! I'm basking in my imperfection, and laughing at it.

Don't try to be perfect...

You will hurt yourself trying to be perfect. Your body will get old, and Joan Rivers plastic surgeon has enough work holding this poor woman together. You can't do it for anyone else, you must, however, do it for yourself. If you have faith you will have total access to the abundance of life. 

I expect to be more kind and generous, though not in a way that is guilt ridden or manipulated. I always serve this world. I served when I went totally ballistic at the Kern Valley Healthcare District. That was my gift to show others the outrage of hurting people or killing them for horrifying reasons.

Now I forgive them. Those who were part of this will be in pain and try to escape the pain. They deserve compassion too for they knew not what they did. How could they? If they were believers they would have been on a beach in Maui with a Mai Tai and not holding down old women to give them shots of anti-psychotics.

What I'm saying is they would have been settled in themselves to SPEAK THE TRUTH! The only words you ever need to know.

Now get your butts out there and enjoy life whether or not you think you're a fuck up or not. You may have done something untrtuthful, now you are not...Love yourself, enjoy life, go with it, JUST FOR TODAY. Hey I learned that sober tool and it really works.

Take care and I would like to send out a blessing on this world: may we all begin to believe we are better than we thought and worse than we can imagine...LOL

Good luck or God Bless. Laura Hart

Just for Today!

I'm happy to report some sleep

I have awoken from another night, but this time with some sleep under my belt. I'm more relaxed and more understanding of what I want to be from now on.

Less angry for one, and more appreciative of each "day" I'm given to recover from not only drugs, but also the thoughts of being dead. Yes, I tried not just recently, but for my whole life to kill myself. I had taken an overdose, tried to hang myself, and in the end, I really don't want it to end.

It's kind of funny really to find that I am ready now to take the helm and live. I am confused to some degree as to how I do this, but somehow I think it will come to me. I have more faith this morning, and more understanding of how I have been the one to make a mockery of living.

Anger again is hurt and I have been hurt, but sadly I turned into a person who hurts others. Wow! I do not care to hear it, but I am totally aware of it now. It's not who I wanted to be, then again, I kept trying to kill me. I needed a reason such as "I'm terrible" and worth killing.

Truth be told, I'm really all right and not a candidate for killing. I'm just a child who didn't get much light and a lot of abuse to go with it. I must have confused this abuse with my own self worth and now what a tangle it is. But each day I wake up I'm going to be more and more confident that it is OK to be me. Whether I'm a lump one day and an action packed adventure the next, I will still be my own BEST FRIEND. I have to be as I am the only one who can put this into motion.

I can't wait to see what a day brings as I used to think, "oh no, what will the day do," and then expect it will never get better. I CAN and WILL make it better.

Things I would like to do today: Laugh, smile, and take a long hot shower. Oooh, just the shower itself makes me want to live. LOL

More to follow: The end of KVHD under Fire, Thank God