Awash in a sea of confusion...

I remember some dumb poems I used to write when I couldn't or wouldn't be able to express my emotions in a direct and honest manner.

I've changed that entirely as I now wish to express my emotions, when and where I like. Here on the bipolar American is even better. For my friends and fellow bipolar american's this growth period is for you.

What does it represent? What does the bipolar do that is significantly different than other people?

Damn good questions, but now for the answer: balance.

The polarity which is life, we've got a north pole and a south pole, making the world bi-polar.

Being ill has been the toughest experience for me of late. I'm sure it therefore contains the most information I need to carry on, so I have to face the situation with complete honesty like a surgeon's blade cutting through years of defense mechanisms, negative characterizations of myself, family luggage tossed my way to carry, and the force which holds it all together: fear.

I no longer believe that a doctor can help me with this illness, I think I'm the only one.

Right now there is so much energy around me that is from the past, that is depressing and negative, but then I realize that I called it out, and now must put it away and to rest.

I sure don't want to stay in this atmosphere I've created for very long, and I can't imagine how I intended to live through this.

For some reason I was thinking about an old friend of mine who used drugs since she was a pre-teen and now she's over 50 and still using drugs. I saw her last year as I stayed at the house, she still lives at home, her father is quite old and an old friend too.

But she refused to change anything, she apparently wanted and continues to want to be intoxicated at all times, on anything from alcohol to psychiatric medications. Yes, it's a serious lifetime of decay going on.

Yet, she's a really nice person, but could never love herself enough to get through all the shit.

I see it now with kids I know here who are really struggling. One particular kid attempted to get into the military and was refused because of the practice of "cutting."

Now, he's either going to believe that there is something wrong with him, and allow this experience to verify that supposition, or he's going to believe that there's something wrong with them, and point the finger their way.

Here comes balance once again, the teacher.

There is something he's not being honest with himself about, something causing great amounts of pain which bring him to a point of consciously inflicting pain and altering his body.

Likely he will internalize this as more evidence of his failures and his feelings of being different and misunderstood.

What can change this?

Learning from it. What could he possibly learn from being thrown out of the military for cutting.

He could begin to ask himself why he's cutting. Not judge cutting as right or wrong, like the military did. They don't cut, they kill.

He also could realize that he almost went somewhere that he could have been killed or worse maimed. He may have had to kill other people, and really, likely, as sensitive a nature as he actually has, that may have been worse than being hurt himself.

The basic element to all of this, is balance. Not having the balance to look at each situation individually. And judging is not necessarily the same as using good judgement, so he needs to begin to understand that just to get to the surface to take a deep breath of fresh air.

We can never do exactly the same thing twice. That is an illusion. Because you cannot put together the exact time and circumstances it stands to reason you cannot do the same thing twice.

So, every single thing you do, is unique and good for one ride only. You might want to make it good.

But there are those who are caught up in the illusion of repetition, we all have believed it at some point, as we learn the vitality of each moment, of the here and now.

I refuse to struggle against all this old energy that has been churned up on the storm waves of my life. I can see and feel it all there, depression, anger, hopelessness, swirling around me, yet there is no clear and present danger to account for the onslaught.

I've been watching it for a few days not knowing what it all meant. Then I refused to be a part of what needs to be naturally molted, sloughed off, so that a new shinier skin can appear.

So, I'm not interested in wrestling with it, talking about it, or judging it, I'm ready to let it go.

I think healing is the letting go process. And I believe now that this current storm is directly related to my "illness."

When I focus on what I want and not what I don't want, I usually get it. When I'm in fear of not having something I want, then the consequences are exactly what I asked for. I asked that the universe verify for me that I will not get what I want by having fear.

I feel more fear right now than I have in a long time. In fact, it's been overwhelming. That's what gave this all away to me, I'm in far too much fear for it to be totally created here in the present time, this comes from way back.

As I've changed my beliefs, it has altered my actions, and therefore my energy.

Faith is something I am beginning to understand in a way I may even be able to casually explain it. It's such a powerful system to live by that we don't even recognize it's simplicity.

I like the fact that many geniuses such as Albert Einstein, have recognized the obvious evidence of the creator. The role of a "creator" has often been criticized and argued by those confusing religion, a series of rituals and dogmas which we are to adhere to if we are to move on to a "better place," missing the whole point.

(really religion is a manifestation to deal with the fear of death or death of the ego, as in old age.)

We are all made of the same stuff, whether you're an earthworm or a government employee.

And we are here. This is your destination.

Knowing that every single thing that happens or has happened has been in your best interest, for us to learn to turn something unpleasant into something better is emotional alchemy. Learning not to turn everything into a negative is another handy tool for the life kit.

When I know that I am from the same creator as everyone else, I am compassionate.

When I know that everything that is happening to me will be to my benefit, I am safe to learn from my mistakes.

When I know in my heart that my life is my service to this whole world, to the whole source, than I know I am a co-creator in life and take that responsibility seriously.

When I change my energy and create a positive flow, a truth, whatever we want to call it, I am powerful.

When I realize I don't have to change the negative energy, that I only have to create the positive energy; it requires no ingredients at all, except to have the awareness to put it into action.

I got these words of wisdom sometime last year from a friend of mine, and it made a difference in how I would soon be looking at my world.
"Get in touch with joy. Any idiot can be happy cause their life is going well. A Superior person aspires to be happy in spite of their fucked life! That's how optimists think. Love you lots. Forgive yourself every day."

No truer words could be said. Create happiness, it doesn't happen, it's a state of mind.

And forgive yourself everyday. I didn't know what that meant for a while, since I am more masochistic and prefer to crucify myself everyday, so I had to ponder that whole idea.

"What? let me off the hook for being stupid, I don't think so."

Then it became a reality that some of my physical difficulties are manifesting from my own brutal treatment of myself. Which I should acknowledge was borrowed from those around me who "loved" me.

As I realize forgiving myself is as important as forgiving others. Treating other people with more compassion than yourself, is what?

Not in balance.

I'm in the middle of a shit storm, and moments from now I may again get caught in the layers of stripping paint. Just when you think you found the bare wood, you find that a lot of layers can be painted over the long years. Although you maybe tempted to paint over the peeling layers, it won't work. It will all just strip away. All your work gone.

When you do get to the bare wood, sand it, and look at it like it's the first time, you may decide not to paint it. You may like it and just finish it, blemishes and all.

I lived in Greensburg, Indiana for a few years, in an old Victorian home, two staircases, years of wallpapering and paint, and we didn't know what was underneath.

Our entry moulding, staircase and railings were covered in carpet and paint. One day I was doing what kids do, racing up and down the stairs, and I tore the carpet.

After a great big family argument about how irresponsible, immature, and so on, I was for doing this damage, we realized that there was some really nice old, solid oak.

So, we pulled all the carpet, removed paint of various colors and shades, and found a beautiful 100 plus, year old, staircase. We, I actually did most of the work, finished it and it turned out to be a showpiece really.

How many of us are hiding under years of paint and wallpaper? I know I have been, and make a sincere promise that is not what I am doing anymore.

There's been a shift, moving a large tectonic plate, the rumble has been felt and heard. Real change is associated with resistance from the other side, the side that is used to you being a certain way.

I've never acted in a vulnerable manner, which makes me wonder how strong I really am. I have changed that now, and I can feel the shift, the shaky ground, and it's scary.

But that's where faith balances that fear.

(Just to let you know, so you feel better today, it works this way whether you're labeled bipolar or not. It's life.)

I'll be riding my own creation of the bucking, stubborn mule that I am. I'm sure it will be fun and full of kicks in the teeth.

Hope on hold

So, another blood test, another doctor, another long drive I cannot make anymore without serious side effects, such as pain.

I got home last night without much luster, it was late, and my cousin had left a couple messages. First one supportive and inquiring as to what happened at the doctor; the second, crying and cursing her bi-polar condition.

Not that I wasn't already depressed, but I empathized with her message, it is fucking unreal dealing with these mood swings. Its not just the swinging, its the actions you take, decisions you make as well as what screwed up things come out of your mouth.

Yes, it does suck. But only some of the time.

I'm wrangling with a whole debate in my head if I can even live like this, in my physical condition anymore. Part of me has totally given up, which leads to thoughts such as "I can't do it" "I'm not strong enough" "I've been given an overdose of life."

Then the other side kicks in, with the words of wisdom. "Find it, the solution, the answers are there" "It is worth it" "Do this for yourself" and then I'm back.

I dragged out of the bed this morning, unable to make an appointment I had made with someone, and then ended up at my doctor, who is great, and had him give me shots in my neck and back, the trigger points.

Currently, icing and heating, as we speak.

However, I'm up, and now, my hand is not as numb, so I'm at least doing some writing. Progress, as best as I can do it.

I'm not disabled, I'm as abled as I can be. Fuck that shit, it sounded hokey when I wrote, yeah, I'm fucking disabled, but do the best I can to not waste the time I have here.

Even though I'm taking a day off, which I hate, I'll be planning and plotting the whole time.

I am noticing that everyone around me is going through some major changes in their lives and their way of thinking too. A shift in consciousness.

My sister is going through huge emotional changes and she is doing it, but its a tough time.

We all pray a lot around here. Most of the people I know, realize that I call God, Scooter, and whatever you want to call the core intelligence of the universe, prime mover unmoved, we often forget our part in this "big production" called life.

With my sister in her tumultuous existence right now, I get a chance to see how other people are progressing and making the world better as they or we get better on an individual basis.

I watched a friend of mine last night in a series of pain days which lead her to be very up-settable, and it reminded me of what the people around me have to hear about and deal with regularly.

When I looked at her last night, I could see the struggle, the energy she was dealing with, and I spoke to her about it. I then watched that energy just change.

Her color in her face changed, her demeanor changed, and I could see she had learned something from what was happening to her. Cool. And it manifests physically. So, the thoughts are causes of physical problems. Hmm, interesting.

After having spent several hours on their porch staring out over the horizon like a zombie, I went home. My friends are used to my behaviors: I come over and spend the whole time outside thinking. How fun am I?

A prayer for all who are in the middle of becoming the people we should be.

Scooter, its all really fun here thanks for everything. You piss us all off, you make us cry, and then you suddenly fill our candy dishes with candy. Just put out good energy for my friends and family, and my extended family, the human race, that we make it through the trials you so lovingly set up so we can learn. Make us all believe in the powers of the universe so vast and incredible that we fear it. Today, we will all have faith and believe in something greater than our little selves and petty problems. Make it good, Scooter, you know how I get bored.

And there's your prayer for the day.
That is how I talk to the universe. Yes, I'm just as sarcastic with God as I am with everybody else. And as a product of God, I feel at liberty to do so.

Have a good day...