I can hear the cracking in my brain, the rattling of old thoughts from the past, and I know now is the time to begin again.
After writing the post to the teens of the KRV and everywhere, I found myself uncomfortable with the subject of suicide.
I just reread what I wrote to the kids, and it sounded good, and had meaningful intention, but it didn't quite foretell what would happen to me two weeks ago. And my brother, swinging from his string, strung out on alcohol, is there too.
In a moment of pain and confusion, both physical and emotional, I convinced myself that my only option was to kill myself. Honestly, it is not the first time I've tried, and I knew the whole issue of the teens from the Kern Valley High School who committed suicide recently, was bothering me in a way I couldn't understand.
Listening to conversations amongst the kids about the suicides brought up my own fears and anxiety. I hadn't any idea how to talk about it with them, since I have never resolved my own issues.
In fact, I was so uncomfortable, becoming miserable even, because I have not rooted out the problems that still to this day make me a potential suicide.
At 11, I ate up a bottle of aspirin. My parents had divorced, and my new situation was far worse than the previous one, and I didn't have much in the way of desire to continue the farce that we were a family and this was simply how everyone lived.
I wasn't stupid enough not to look at other families and other people and realize that something was very wrong.
These issues still exist, I can't escape them, I can only face them. They are not mine really, they are the secrets of others. The ones I feel I can't even address in my own mind let alone a public blog.
But it's time.
Basically, I'll go through the list of things that got in my way that tormented me, that made me feel worthless, scared, out of touch, afraid to communicate my feelings, and finally, so full of angst I sought relief from attempting to kill it all, I guess. I wanted it all gone.
Sexual abuse: chronic feeling of shame that I couldn't stop it or stop it earlier; confusion of love and sex; feeling like I had no ability or right to have boundaries for myself; a need to hurt myself began early on, but unlike suicide, this was a self punishment type of thing, whereas suicide is an escape.
Physical abuse: post traumatic stress syndrome meaning I haven't and probably won't forget the fights. I already had so many issues with the sexual abuse, next came the new feelings of being hit, bruised and bleeding. But there was also the new me, who began to fight back. I had forged a fire in my soul by this time, and no one was going to beat on me without a response. Yeah, I responded all right, and the fights were over the top, as I was angry with me, with the world, and I hated alcoholics. I was just telling a friend, that I used to drink to get along with the drunks, that I never really liked to drink, it was a defensive mechanism.
Emotional abuse: I think of all that happened it was the emotional abuse that did the most damage. A fist can cause a black eye, but consistently telling a child they are worthless, will cause blindness. I am blind to my own worth. The messages were confusing, and I was confused as to why I was under attack. It was much later in life that I was even able to understand that the people who did this, were and still are, very much insecure and intimidated even by a child.
I wasn't an average child, I am and was bi-polar. My chemistry changed early, I could give a crap what all the experts say, it came right along with all the strain of living a life of pain and confusion.
Built to fight
It became apparent the world was not a safe or honest place, and it is still not. There are liars and bullies everywhere, and they still bother me, and I still fight back.
I'm becoming tired of seeing a world of deluded people who have nothing to give, only a sense of false hope.
I have hope, I believe in the unbelievable, mostly because I lived it. I tried at least six times to seriously escape this mess we call life. Each time something happened which kept me alive another day. The rope broke. My mother kept me awake and made me eat, not knowing I had taken all my grandmothers sleeping pills and was hallucinating wildly. The gun jammed. My brother and sister drove six hours to find me after I was attacked, packed with pills and alcohol.
Why I'm alive is really a big question.
Now, my brother, on the edge for years and years, does not want to die, he just refuses to live. He is afraid.
Embarrassingly, I made an attempt two weeks ago, when I was spun around by hopelessness, and found myself staring my brother in the eyes. I told him, let's do it together. I let him know his drinking himself to death is no different.
In that moment, I saw his fear, and he saw my intention to die. It scared us both.
I knew he would go off the deep end, but then he needed to. Now, after two crazy bi-polar nights, he is going to a doctor.
Hold on...that subject is on its way, but there is a reason we are doing this.
There is NO place for someone without money to DETOX. Yes, Governor Brown, you can cut that budget for mental health even more, as you spend twice as much on people who have no outlet for help...from alcohol.
Legal and advertised, booze, parties, yes, it's all right until it ruins your whole life and health. Add some tweek or crack, and you've got a person who is costing more than a DETOX bed.
But we have discussed that we will detox him at home, or a daily ER visit, then use another drug called "antibuse." Apparently, this drug will make my brother very sick if he tries to drink again. His will power is gone, like many these days, and he decided this would be the route that might be successful.
We're on our way to be judged and then drugged.
But we must talk now, all of us, the order of the bi-polar disorder, as mental health budgets are missing all around the country. People are killing themselves and others and its time to find a way to deal with all of this.
I'll be back with the rest of the story, as there is a lot to tell.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Friday, November 26, 2010
Kern River Valley teens I want to talk to you about suicide
"The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
Jack London
Resuming the Bi-Polar American
There have been so many things going on in my life, inside and out, of recent, but when I saw the reports of two young teenagers, 15 and 16, killing themselves, I couldn't help being effected.
I've met so many young kids in this town, some have jobs, do well in school, have ambition, know where they are going, but these are very much the minority.
Most of what I see have been teenagers completely out of touch with the world around them, parents equally out of touch or even out of reach. Nobody to turn to, except friends, drugs or alcohol.
It's not a pretty picture, teenagers with no self esteem, no skills, no security whatsoever, hiding their pain, just trying to survive.
Life is what we make it or how much we can take it
Who the hell just wants to survive out there, raise your hands? Not me. Doesn't sound like a great future, simply surviving.
And I'm not talking about how much money you have, your car, your hair color, skin color, your boobs, your dicks, I'm talking about how you think and what you create with those thoughts.
Now who wants to learn what you really are? I know any teenager faced with that question thinks they would rather not know who they really are because it's going to be bad news. They are going to be told of a terrible nature they wish they could avoid hearing about.
Knowing what you are and being judged have to be clarified to get this point.
Judgment, good or bad, as they say, is simply a way of defining things. It's also a way of causing separation, division, miscommunication, all really cool things too. Sometimes though it can be described as a decision making process but is nevertheless inferior to understanding and acceptance.
Understanding means a willingness to go past the cover of the book and really get inside and find out what is going on. It's not a necessarily unpleasant task, it means you take more into consideration whereas judging you narrow the field.
When we were all young, tiny ones, we crawled around, finding things, tasting them, touching them, spitting some out, and experiencing the world. It was fun, dangerous, great. There were no parameters at this juncture, and the world was incredible. Television...ooo...now we have 9000 channels and nothing to watch. At one some juncture you probably found a different type of grass interesting, the tiny stalks called a lawn.
Remember looking up in the sky and seeing the vastness, watching the blinking, the stars, the color, the moon, it was all part of the universe, a big, big, big universe with variety, sanity, chaos, God; we were in heaven. Our minds and spirits were open and the world was abundant in every way.
We had our keepers, our parents or whomever loved us enough to care for us, in most cases, we were kept from danger as we began the journey.
It's all still here, and you have to find it, believe in it, and have faith that everything is the way it is supposed to be.
What I notice with teenagers is the beginning of "losing yourself" which is necessary to beginning the bigger journey finding yourself in everything else.
You're moving through a process
Then comes fear, it's the time of life where we have to look at the dangerous side, as unlike the stage of exploration and adventure which some of us were allowed early on, we start looking for absolutes.
These absolutes are to protect us as we have swung on the pendulum from gas to brakes. It is a stage, that hopefully we can break through, where we have our "rebellion."
We need to be told how to be ourselves for some odd reason at this point of life, I don't understand, but it comes along with the fear stage.
Seeking a structure to live in our minds and hearts begins to appear. Sometimes this is where I notice many people must get caught in their lives. The need for a "rule book" or a set of instructions comes from that fear the feeling of separation which is a natural course if you follow it through.
When you begin thinking for yourself, you will learn that we are all thinking the same things. So, you think you're so smart? You are.
The rebellion
You start out on a course of adventure, there is nothing to fear. You move to the next stage where everything should be feared. Spiders are no longer friends to follow across the fence. They are dangerous man eating, poisonous, deadly creatures which must be eliminated for your survival.
At this point I think we all begin to understand our adventure could be over if we decide to swim in the pool and don't know how to swim.
Eventually, we delineate what is dangerous in our opinion, and what is an acceptable risk. Balancing it out. The world is all bi-polar from the north pole to the south pole.
Then we begin to question everything, and we don't really like the answers we are getting as young adults. Our parents didn't tell us everything did they? How could your mother tell you about the time she and her pals drank until they puked and slept with her cousin or something?
Communication breaks down as parents try to remain in control as they see more danger than a teenager who simply hasn't had that much experience. But at this point, we all must break free of our parents/society/family/ and begin the fun part of being responsible for our own actions.
Again, we go the other way and learn that our parents weren't as stupid or even, were worse than we thought.
Now you think for yourself
I can't help wondering how these two particular teens made the decision to go to the extreme of suicide.
There are always multitudes of answers for problems, but one answer that has no return receipt is suicide.
These very young people made a serious decision. There had to be a problem that they believed this was an answer to use. We don't know what it was necessarily, but we see they did not communicate with anyone to warn them of this potential decision.
I wonder myself these days and especially now why I thought suicide was an option for me.
Suicide doesn't have to be a sudden death, it can be a lifetime of self abuse, it can be killing your spirit, denying your knowledge of being part of it all, letting yourself be used by others to the point of not knowing your own worth. No, I think suicide is a way of thinking.
We at any point must start thinking for ourselves, as I spoke of understanding and acceptance.
As a teen you are still working under the boss, your keepers, your teachers, your family hierarchy, but if you are not communicating or able to be close and truthful, learning trust, you may find yourself feeling alienated and alone.
Often these are the fuels which lead to the desire to consider death as an alternative to life. We have been given that option, there is a way to override any instinct for continued existence.
Understand you are okay no matter if you were the one who spilled the Kool aid on the carpet, the one who is labeled "always in trouble," the fat kid, the red haired kid, the youngest, oldest, whatever, it really is okay and so are you.
Now what are you going to do with this? You're going to open your mouth and talk to someone if you feel like you need to talk. Some people want to tell you what to do and that makes them feel important. Sometimes they are more correct than you and that's okay too.
Just talk...Don't go down the road of suicide or even long term suicide, there are many answers and just as many people with ideas, so seek them out. If you find you have no one, you are not looking hard enough. It's right there, it's called prayer in certain circles and meditation and focus, these are all states of mind.
You are never "alone." It's sometimes a matter of reaching out and developing a trust in the universe, but for those who like absolutes, you are never alone. The universe is so close you may not even see it. It's there always.
It's only in how you choose to percieve it does it change into either loneliness for some, freedom for others, time to think for some, and moments with our attention toward God.
I've been working with kids all my life, as I've been passing along what I have learned, I find I am the one doing the learning. Thank you. I've gained so much from talking with these kids many of you walk by or judge. They have helped me learn about what happened to me in my life while often times brightening my day with their whispy ways.
My basic message is that you the next generation, are all right. You have a challenge ahead of you as you have seen what greed, war, racism, sexism, genocide, did to this world over the ages. You also have new tools and new dreams for the future.
But first you have to get through today. If it's too tough, as it sometimes is, don't make it worse, you have the power to make it better: you think it better. (no band aid required)
Stay alive and create miracles
First thing I want to make sure is that nobody judges these children who committed suicide as them being any more flawed than the rest of us. They weren't weak, they weren't inferior, they were simply human. They made a decisions that is all.
We are the ones who should learn.
They are in God's arms, safe and secure, and we are here to talk about what other options there are in this challenging world around us.
Let me tell you there is so much out there you need to go back and start over and begin your journey everyday.
You are flawed, but perfectly so. Enjoy it, laugh at it, and remember that you have been given all you will ever need. We are all going to die eventually, but now is the time you've been given to live.
What are you doing with it? Right now...Each moment you have a choice.
Jack London
Resuming the Bi-Polar American
There have been so many things going on in my life, inside and out, of recent, but when I saw the reports of two young teenagers, 15 and 16, killing themselves, I couldn't help being effected.
I've met so many young kids in this town, some have jobs, do well in school, have ambition, know where they are going, but these are very much the minority.
Most of what I see have been teenagers completely out of touch with the world around them, parents equally out of touch or even out of reach. Nobody to turn to, except friends, drugs or alcohol.
It's not a pretty picture, teenagers with no self esteem, no skills, no security whatsoever, hiding their pain, just trying to survive.
Life is what we make it or how much we can take it
Who the hell just wants to survive out there, raise your hands? Not me. Doesn't sound like a great future, simply surviving.
And I'm not talking about how much money you have, your car, your hair color, skin color, your boobs, your dicks, I'm talking about how you think and what you create with those thoughts.
Now who wants to learn what you really are? I know any teenager faced with that question thinks they would rather not know who they really are because it's going to be bad news. They are going to be told of a terrible nature they wish they could avoid hearing about.
Knowing what you are and being judged have to be clarified to get this point.
Judgment, good or bad, as they say, is simply a way of defining things. It's also a way of causing separation, division, miscommunication, all really cool things too. Sometimes though it can be described as a decision making process but is nevertheless inferior to understanding and acceptance.
Understanding means a willingness to go past the cover of the book and really get inside and find out what is going on. It's not a necessarily unpleasant task, it means you take more into consideration whereas judging you narrow the field.
When we were all young, tiny ones, we crawled around, finding things, tasting them, touching them, spitting some out, and experiencing the world. It was fun, dangerous, great. There were no parameters at this juncture, and the world was incredible. Television...ooo...now we have 9000 channels and nothing to watch. At one some juncture you probably found a different type of grass interesting, the tiny stalks called a lawn.
Remember looking up in the sky and seeing the vastness, watching the blinking, the stars, the color, the moon, it was all part of the universe, a big, big, big universe with variety, sanity, chaos, God; we were in heaven. Our minds and spirits were open and the world was abundant in every way.
We had our keepers, our parents or whomever loved us enough to care for us, in most cases, we were kept from danger as we began the journey.
It's all still here, and you have to find it, believe in it, and have faith that everything is the way it is supposed to be.
What I notice with teenagers is the beginning of "losing yourself" which is necessary to beginning the bigger journey finding yourself in everything else.
You're moving through a process
Then comes fear, it's the time of life where we have to look at the dangerous side, as unlike the stage of exploration and adventure which some of us were allowed early on, we start looking for absolutes.
These absolutes are to protect us as we have swung on the pendulum from gas to brakes. It is a stage, that hopefully we can break through, where we have our "rebellion."
We need to be told how to be ourselves for some odd reason at this point of life, I don't understand, but it comes along with the fear stage.
Seeking a structure to live in our minds and hearts begins to appear. Sometimes this is where I notice many people must get caught in their lives. The need for a "rule book" or a set of instructions comes from that fear the feeling of separation which is a natural course if you follow it through.
When you begin thinking for yourself, you will learn that we are all thinking the same things. So, you think you're so smart? You are.
The rebellion
You start out on a course of adventure, there is nothing to fear. You move to the next stage where everything should be feared. Spiders are no longer friends to follow across the fence. They are dangerous man eating, poisonous, deadly creatures which must be eliminated for your survival.
At this point I think we all begin to understand our adventure could be over if we decide to swim in the pool and don't know how to swim.
Eventually, we delineate what is dangerous in our opinion, and what is an acceptable risk. Balancing it out. The world is all bi-polar from the north pole to the south pole.
Then we begin to question everything, and we don't really like the answers we are getting as young adults. Our parents didn't tell us everything did they? How could your mother tell you about the time she and her pals drank until they puked and slept with her cousin or something?
Communication breaks down as parents try to remain in control as they see more danger than a teenager who simply hasn't had that much experience. But at this point, we all must break free of our parents/society/family/ and begin the fun part of being responsible for our own actions.
Again, we go the other way and learn that our parents weren't as stupid or even, were worse than we thought.
Now you think for yourself
I can't help wondering how these two particular teens made the decision to go to the extreme of suicide.
There are always multitudes of answers for problems, but one answer that has no return receipt is suicide.
These very young people made a serious decision. There had to be a problem that they believed this was an answer to use. We don't know what it was necessarily, but we see they did not communicate with anyone to warn them of this potential decision.
I wonder myself these days and especially now why I thought suicide was an option for me.
Suicide doesn't have to be a sudden death, it can be a lifetime of self abuse, it can be killing your spirit, denying your knowledge of being part of it all, letting yourself be used by others to the point of not knowing your own worth. No, I think suicide is a way of thinking.
We at any point must start thinking for ourselves, as I spoke of understanding and acceptance.
As a teen you are still working under the boss, your keepers, your teachers, your family hierarchy, but if you are not communicating or able to be close and truthful, learning trust, you may find yourself feeling alienated and alone.
Often these are the fuels which lead to the desire to consider death as an alternative to life. We have been given that option, there is a way to override any instinct for continued existence.
Understand you are okay no matter if you were the one who spilled the Kool aid on the carpet, the one who is labeled "always in trouble," the fat kid, the red haired kid, the youngest, oldest, whatever, it really is okay and so are you.
Now what are you going to do with this? You're going to open your mouth and talk to someone if you feel like you need to talk. Some people want to tell you what to do and that makes them feel important. Sometimes they are more correct than you and that's okay too.
Just talk...Don't go down the road of suicide or even long term suicide, there are many answers and just as many people with ideas, so seek them out. If you find you have no one, you are not looking hard enough. It's right there, it's called prayer in certain circles and meditation and focus, these are all states of mind.
You are never "alone." It's sometimes a matter of reaching out and developing a trust in the universe, but for those who like absolutes, you are never alone. The universe is so close you may not even see it. It's there always.
It's only in how you choose to percieve it does it change into either loneliness for some, freedom for others, time to think for some, and moments with our attention toward God.
I've been working with kids all my life, as I've been passing along what I have learned, I find I am the one doing the learning. Thank you. I've gained so much from talking with these kids many of you walk by or judge. They have helped me learn about what happened to me in my life while often times brightening my day with their whispy ways.
My basic message is that you the next generation, are all right. You have a challenge ahead of you as you have seen what greed, war, racism, sexism, genocide, did to this world over the ages. You also have new tools and new dreams for the future.
But first you have to get through today. If it's too tough, as it sometimes is, don't make it worse, you have the power to make it better: you think it better. (no band aid required)
Stay alive and create miracles
First thing I want to make sure is that nobody judges these children who committed suicide as them being any more flawed than the rest of us. They weren't weak, they weren't inferior, they were simply human. They made a decisions that is all.
We are the ones who should learn.
They are in God's arms, safe and secure, and we are here to talk about what other options there are in this challenging world around us.
Let me tell you there is so much out there you need to go back and start over and begin your journey everyday.
You are flawed, but perfectly so. Enjoy it, laugh at it, and remember that you have been given all you will ever need. We are all going to die eventually, but now is the time you've been given to live.
What are you doing with it? Right now...Each moment you have a choice.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Kicking some bi-polar ass...getting past the depression...
"What did you say to him," a friend of mine asked me last week after I told her another friend was angry with me...again.
"Nothing, actually, it was all done with my hands."
So it seems I can make people angry even without uttering a single word. Wow, the power. (geez)
I apologized for doing whatever I did, which I'm not exactly sure of, but am sure that I was not happy at the time, and things can get misinterpretted very easily.
Sometimes people take things personally, which is the title, we have decided for the third book in the series, "The Chronicles of the Bi-polar Reporter." It has to do with a time that the medical establishment decided to give me some Paxil, and SSRI antidepressant, not meant for bi-polars.
I took one dose and went from depressive paralysis, to vigilante butt kicking, eradicating drugs from a whole city, maniac. None of it's true. Okay, I'm lying. Some of it is true. Well, most of it is true. People have not forgotten my bi-polar war on drugs. I'm thinking it should be called, "Tweekers versus Super Tweek." I don't care how much meth you consume, there will never be a rival to a bi-polar on antidepressants. That's what a whole city found out.
Anyway, I truly dislike it when my friends are more sensitive than I am insensitive, because I end up saying or doing something that brings them down.
Not knowing depression was on its way to my door step and into my mind, I was in what everyone around me likes to call a "mood." It was depression worming its way into my thinking and activities like a virus.
This is a serious subject as I know so many have suffered and even killed themselves because of the chemical breakdown which occurs during depressive phases of the bi=polar cycle.
I've said I would be honest and forthright on this blog, as an outlet for me, and a demonstration to the younger bi-polars, of how to handle these psychological challenges.
I wish I could say what happened this week was treated with my wisdom and experience, but it's not true. Depression hit like a rock against my head, and only now, more than a week later can I say that I feel...different. Nothing really happened except someone made me angry and it helped my mood.
Is that fucking crazy or what?
(I can hear the hissing of the hose filling again, and the mania on its way. )
What happened?
Sometimes nothing happens, and like someone told me this week, "what goes down, must come up," which is the only way to explain it.
There was an email on my computer last night that left me irritated. I didn't initially respond, because I didn't think this person was worth a mere sentence of rebuttal, but when I woke up this morning, I changed my mind.
I wrote back and made sure in four sentences to put this person quickly in her place, and left the sword hanging from her back. Felt pretty good actually.
But even as I did this, I recognized that my mood had changed, and stayed aware so I did not do more damage than was intended. I hit a target and left it at that. Pretty straightforward really.
Again, the game is this, keep aware of what you are thinking and doing at all times. It may seem a cumbersome task at first, but it is totally necessary to control the bi-polar.
This is not an easy life by any means, but it is interesting, never boring. I say always make it through the depression, don't let them be the defining moments. There are places our minds can go that others cannot follow or would be too afraid to follow. Its actually amazing if you can survive it.
I always have to remember that depression is a phase which will pass. And not to fuck everything up while I'm waiting.
Yes, I have tried many times to kill myself. So, I said it, even though it is difficult to admit.
The first attempt I was only 11 years old. After years of depression and a sudden onset of mania, I couldn't take it anymore. Obviously, it didn't work.
But try, try again. I attempted to kill myself in many ways, and was for some reason, always unsuccessful.
That is why this is such a serious subject and we should discuss it regularly. I've heard now, many young bi-polars talking about the "way out."
There is no way out, only a way through the mist kids. All of us at one time or another want to get out of the pain, but we have to, whether we like it or not, ride out the tidal wave of negative thinking. If I can do it, anyone can.
I'm no example to follow, and certainly no one to look up to. But I am someone who has done her best to not just stay alive, which is really nothing, but to create the best me I can create. When I go to sleep at night, I need to know I did my best, even if it didn't work too well. Your own life is your work of art. I'm a little abstract to say the least.
One of the funniest things said this week to me was when I related the manic rage incident from last week, where I tore myself up being angry over really nothing that couldn't be solved by a quieter mind. I was saying how stupid I was for getting so angry. I was simply told, "so what? You're human."
Now, generally speaking, people usually tell me in no uncertain terms that they agree I'm a dumbass, but to be told, I was human, well, that actually seemed okay.
Since a lot of us bi-polars feel like aliens from another planet most of the time, it was actually nice to have verification of my human status. That goes for all of you.
I'd like to apologize to everyone around me for my depressive attitude this week, and thank you all for understanding.
For some reason, when I get down, I bring everyone down with me. I hate that, and don't know exactly why it happens that way.
Now, the hose is filling again, by tomorrow a whole new outlook will replace the tattered remnants of the depression...so, let's kick some bi-polar ass...are you with me?
"Nothing, actually, it was all done with my hands."
So it seems I can make people angry even without uttering a single word. Wow, the power. (geez)
I apologized for doing whatever I did, which I'm not exactly sure of, but am sure that I was not happy at the time, and things can get misinterpretted very easily.
Sometimes people take things personally, which is the title, we have decided for the third book in the series, "The Chronicles of the Bi-polar Reporter." It has to do with a time that the medical establishment decided to give me some Paxil, and SSRI antidepressant, not meant for bi-polars.
I took one dose and went from depressive paralysis, to vigilante butt kicking, eradicating drugs from a whole city, maniac. None of it's true. Okay, I'm lying. Some of it is true. Well, most of it is true. People have not forgotten my bi-polar war on drugs. I'm thinking it should be called, "Tweekers versus Super Tweek." I don't care how much meth you consume, there will never be a rival to a bi-polar on antidepressants. That's what a whole city found out.
Anyway, I truly dislike it when my friends are more sensitive than I am insensitive, because I end up saying or doing something that brings them down.
Not knowing depression was on its way to my door step and into my mind, I was in what everyone around me likes to call a "mood." It was depression worming its way into my thinking and activities like a virus.
This is a serious subject as I know so many have suffered and even killed themselves because of the chemical breakdown which occurs during depressive phases of the bi=polar cycle.
I've said I would be honest and forthright on this blog, as an outlet for me, and a demonstration to the younger bi-polars, of how to handle these psychological challenges.
I wish I could say what happened this week was treated with my wisdom and experience, but it's not true. Depression hit like a rock against my head, and only now, more than a week later can I say that I feel...different. Nothing really happened except someone made me angry and it helped my mood.
Is that fucking crazy or what?
(I can hear the hissing of the hose filling again, and the mania on its way. )
What happened?
Sometimes nothing happens, and like someone told me this week, "what goes down, must come up," which is the only way to explain it.
There was an email on my computer last night that left me irritated. I didn't initially respond, because I didn't think this person was worth a mere sentence of rebuttal, but when I woke up this morning, I changed my mind.
I wrote back and made sure in four sentences to put this person quickly in her place, and left the sword hanging from her back. Felt pretty good actually.
But even as I did this, I recognized that my mood had changed, and stayed aware so I did not do more damage than was intended. I hit a target and left it at that. Pretty straightforward really.
Again, the game is this, keep aware of what you are thinking and doing at all times. It may seem a cumbersome task at first, but it is totally necessary to control the bi-polar.
This is not an easy life by any means, but it is interesting, never boring. I say always make it through the depression, don't let them be the defining moments. There are places our minds can go that others cannot follow or would be too afraid to follow. Its actually amazing if you can survive it.
I always have to remember that depression is a phase which will pass. And not to fuck everything up while I'm waiting.
Yes, I have tried many times to kill myself. So, I said it, even though it is difficult to admit.
The first attempt I was only 11 years old. After years of depression and a sudden onset of mania, I couldn't take it anymore. Obviously, it didn't work.
But try, try again. I attempted to kill myself in many ways, and was for some reason, always unsuccessful.
That is why this is such a serious subject and we should discuss it regularly. I've heard now, many young bi-polars talking about the "way out."
There is no way out, only a way through the mist kids. All of us at one time or another want to get out of the pain, but we have to, whether we like it or not, ride out the tidal wave of negative thinking. If I can do it, anyone can.
I'm no example to follow, and certainly no one to look up to. But I am someone who has done her best to not just stay alive, which is really nothing, but to create the best me I can create. When I go to sleep at night, I need to know I did my best, even if it didn't work too well. Your own life is your work of art. I'm a little abstract to say the least.
One of the funniest things said this week to me was when I related the manic rage incident from last week, where I tore myself up being angry over really nothing that couldn't be solved by a quieter mind. I was saying how stupid I was for getting so angry. I was simply told, "so what? You're human."
Now, generally speaking, people usually tell me in no uncertain terms that they agree I'm a dumbass, but to be told, I was human, well, that actually seemed okay.
Since a lot of us bi-polars feel like aliens from another planet most of the time, it was actually nice to have verification of my human status. That goes for all of you.
I'd like to apologize to everyone around me for my depressive attitude this week, and thank you all for understanding.
For some reason, when I get down, I bring everyone down with me. I hate that, and don't know exactly why it happens that way.
Now, the hose is filling again, by tomorrow a whole new outlook will replace the tattered remnants of the depression...so, let's kick some bi-polar ass...are you with me?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
"Unforgettable, that's what you are..." The first time
There has been much said about how the age of onset in bi-polars, as the old school claimed a range in the late teens for many years, and didn't consider really how young it can start.
I endured a lot of stress early in life, and began to exhibit symptoms of both mania and depression before ten years old. An overwhelming amount of stress can be the very thing that causes the onset.
Stress can be both internal and external. Illness, hormonal imbalances, and other physical problems can cause stress within the body and thus begins the chemical reaction called bi-polar.
Depression being one of the worst mindsets tends to last for long periods of time. And sometimes leads to suicidal thoughts or even suicide attempts.
I remember an incident when I was maybe six or seven which was another part of the variety of dark emotions: out of control rage. It tended to be associated with bouts of depression.
My parents, who were my adopted parents didn't carry the genetics I had, nor did they understand it. So, when I tried to tell them I couldn't stop wanting to rip, shred, throw, break, something, they had no real perspective of what to do.
They were as helpless as me. With no information out there, no internet, no talk of ADD, teenage depression, and, at the time it was called, "manic/depression," which is misleading.
That term or even bi-polar doesn't even begin to describe the varying moods and degrees of emotions, one experiences.
A lot of my earliest experiences were of very negative emotions, powerlessness, confusion, anger, and a lot of fear.
I was interestingly both shy and outgoing, two extremes of course.
But when I met with the chemical reaction that I'm sure drug addicts seek, which is a euphoric mania, it would be something I wouldn't understand for years to come.
You tend to like it and not notice that its bothering everyone else. What bothers them is the idea that someone could feel so free and happy without any concern for the feelings of others. It's strange how people react to it.
But when I was ten, I remember it so well, vividly, I had my first full fledged manic episode.
The stress at my house was overwhelming and I had no outlet to deal with the problems. My parents were getting a divorce and I would have to live with my mother, who was part of my stress.
That morning I woke up laughing at everything. Everything seemed bright, the colors, the sky, and all the noises which before seemed cacophonous, were separate and understandable, sublime.
I went to school that day, in that condition which wasn't at all bad at that point, and found myself under attack.
Speaking out in class was nothing unusual for me, but this I guess went too far. I had the giggles and really thought everything was funny.
The teacher thought I was drunk, he told me that at recess while I was eating an orange. I retorted back, well maybe someone spiked my orange. (I really said that, my sarcastic nature started early)
To the "principles" office and home.
I was far too happy for the world that day, I guess. I remember it well. It was unforgettable.
But there is a price to pay with this kind of feeling; it's depression that follows when mania is allowed to go on unchecked.
It took a long time to discover this unfortunate truth, but mania isn't all it's "cracked up" to be. It's definitely better than crack, but not that much different.
I endured a lot of stress early in life, and began to exhibit symptoms of both mania and depression before ten years old. An overwhelming amount of stress can be the very thing that causes the onset.
Stress can be both internal and external. Illness, hormonal imbalances, and other physical problems can cause stress within the body and thus begins the chemical reaction called bi-polar.
Depression being one of the worst mindsets tends to last for long periods of time. And sometimes leads to suicidal thoughts or even suicide attempts.
I remember an incident when I was maybe six or seven which was another part of the variety of dark emotions: out of control rage. It tended to be associated with bouts of depression.
My parents, who were my adopted parents didn't carry the genetics I had, nor did they understand it. So, when I tried to tell them I couldn't stop wanting to rip, shred, throw, break, something, they had no real perspective of what to do.
They were as helpless as me. With no information out there, no internet, no talk of ADD, teenage depression, and, at the time it was called, "manic/depression," which is misleading.
That term or even bi-polar doesn't even begin to describe the varying moods and degrees of emotions, one experiences.
A lot of my earliest experiences were of very negative emotions, powerlessness, confusion, anger, and a lot of fear.
I was interestingly both shy and outgoing, two extremes of course.
But when I met with the chemical reaction that I'm sure drug addicts seek, which is a euphoric mania, it would be something I wouldn't understand for years to come.
You tend to like it and not notice that its bothering everyone else. What bothers them is the idea that someone could feel so free and happy without any concern for the feelings of others. It's strange how people react to it.
But when I was ten, I remember it so well, vividly, I had my first full fledged manic episode.
The stress at my house was overwhelming and I had no outlet to deal with the problems. My parents were getting a divorce and I would have to live with my mother, who was part of my stress.
That morning I woke up laughing at everything. Everything seemed bright, the colors, the sky, and all the noises which before seemed cacophonous, were separate and understandable, sublime.
I went to school that day, in that condition which wasn't at all bad at that point, and found myself under attack.
Speaking out in class was nothing unusual for me, but this I guess went too far. I had the giggles and really thought everything was funny.
The teacher thought I was drunk, he told me that at recess while I was eating an orange. I retorted back, well maybe someone spiked my orange. (I really said that, my sarcastic nature started early)
To the "principles" office and home.
I was far too happy for the world that day, I guess. I remember it well. It was unforgettable.
But there is a price to pay with this kind of feeling; it's depression that follows when mania is allowed to go on unchecked.
It took a long time to discover this unfortunate truth, but mania isn't all it's "cracked up" to be. It's definitely better than crack, but not that much different.
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