Writing from the heart...

Although this blog is about a lot of things, bi-polar disorder, creativity, sprituality, life, love, happiness and fighting of course, I thought I would start here to explain what I will be writing about on my other blog this week.

It's a personal story, and it's a real story, of rural health. My interest in writing it is to stave off the bad medicine which seems to happen at the Rural Health Clinic in Mt. Mesa, California.

When I say "bad medicine" that means a lot of different things. I think about how the fact that I am bi-polar has kept me from getting treated like a human being over there.

I left the place two months ago, and have been planning this story since the last day I spoke to my doctor over there. It's not like we spoke, we hit a wall, and he thought that was okay. (I carry a sledge hammer though and walls don't bother me much)

This story, I hope, will make better healthcare professionals out of these people. Not that I think it will happen overnight: they're not going to read it and suddenly understand what kind of fuck ups having been going on over there.

I'm sure they will be angry with me at first. I think what I will be saying in it's rawest form, will be at the very least uncomfortable, and at the most it will have them blowing smoke out of their ears.

But when we don't complain, when we don't tell the truth, things don't change and illness festers.

Walking away from a situation only to know others will follow that same path and may suffer the same mistakes you endured, is not fair.

Telling the truth, is what is fair. I'm going to tell it like it was. All of it.

The community here can accept it or reject it, it's truly up to them. But I will have the knowledge that I tried to make a change.

Healthcare reform has less to do with insurance as it has to do with how we treat people, and how we allow the pharmaceutical companies to remain in control of the medications, while insurance companies control their part of the money. It's a mess.

It doesn't have to be, but it is. I was going to go into insurance as some of my family wanted me to work with them. They thought i would be good at it. I did go to the point of taking the classes and getting the license, then realized, what kind of fucked up industry is this?

I did not like it or respect it, knowing that with a few changes, we all could have good insurance, doctors could be paid what they want, pharmaceuticals could still get their share, and insurance companies could simplify and have all the money they want.

I'll preview this as I intend to outline the whole plan on the other blog: Your government, your problem: an owner's manual.

But what if every single person in this country put in money to cover their insurance? If you take the population figures, and multiply by $5, then you would have a booming industry. Anyone who is not a resident would pay more, and those on vacation here would have to pay a healthcare tax before departing their plane.

Done. Everyone has insurance, and everyone is treated. Volume. (I stole that thought from a CFO)

It didn't take much to figure this out, but our government can't seem to get those hands out of their pockets long enough to do the right thing.

Obama's plan should scare us all. It was thrown together too quickly for one thing, and second, the beneficiaries of the plans are the insurance companies and pharma. Nothing changed, it was just spun.

Back to the story, I am only one, but everyone is one, and all of us can do something about the things that come across in our lives the one's that call to us, our call to duty.

This story is calling me...See you soon Rural Health Clinic

Take your own advice

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and that is that we as social creatures feel we need to help each other out. In the course of doing just that, we come up with some "good advice."

"I think you should slow down the pace, take time to look at things while you're relaxed, and then come up with an answer. Don't do it while you're in a bad state of mind"

Hey, that's some good advice.

We all know sometimes we're in a mood or under pressure and we make a decision we would not otherwise make, and if we had only waited and relaxed we could have seen more of the picture to make a wiser decision.

But we rarely take advice. Yes, we nod in agreement, "good thinking", and then go about following our out of control emotions.

And we never seem to take our own advice, which is what this blog is about. Each of us at some time or another gave out some great advice, something that dropped out of the heavens in fact. We were even proud that we could so clearly see what somebody else should do.

Then a week or so later, we, ourselves, the sagacious advice givers, find that we should have taken our own advice, but we didn't.

It was good enough for somebody else, but then when we need it, we totally forget what advice we created. Suddenly we're lost.

I love my friends. They hear the wisdom of my advice and so gently throw it back in my face when I'm not using it myself.

But what is advice? Well, it's a plan to deal with a situation which the person has blocked, been in denial about, or cannot see for some reason the practicality of the suggestion.

Advice is suggestion and there is different kinds of advice.

There's advice about an issue like your taxes, where you really don't know much about it and you have to pay to get advice as what to do, what is the best course of action.

Then there's suggestions from people who have been around you and observed you and know from experience what type of advice to give you. They probably have said it ten times before, but you weren't listening.

"Oh, that is really smart, why didn't you tell me that before?" (I did)

Selective hearing and selective understanding is an issue we deal with when someone is in a situation that isn't necessarily good for them and they don't want to face it.

You say, "I know the car means a lot to you, but it's not worth the money to fix it."

"But I have had that car since I was in high school (which isn't an argument, more of an emotional response); there are too many memories to just give it away."

Now you can't give advice based on logic and reason to someone who is basing all their actions on their emotions. So, now you have the opportunity to give emotional advice, which is different.

"Do you think passing that car along to your son the automechanic would be okay as he could fix it and it would still be in the family. He might let you drive it around."

"Hey, that's good advice."

Then there's the bad advice, the type given just to make the person seem stupid, ugly or to put them down or to manipulate them.

"You know if you lost 2o pounds you would look so much better and people wouldn't look at you and say you're fat. And then if you just dress differently you could cover up those rolls you're cooking around your waste."

That is not advice or is it being said because your best interest is in mind. This is called fake advice to make the other person feel superior.

"You know you could have done so many other things, I don't know why you continue to work in this field there's no money there."

Again, it's all negative, its not intended for anyone's benefit.

Also, if you notice, people who give negative "advice" are usually the one's who are insecure. Both the examples above could be coming from people who hate their jobs and stay for the security and money, and a person overly obsessed with the way they look therefore the way others look.

But when you hear yourself give a gem of advice to someone you care about, use it. You will probably need it yourself some day.

Don't say to someone stop smoking cigarettes, and then light up.

Don't tell your kids not to stay out late and come crawling in at dawn.

Advice is a powerful tool for yourself and the people you care about. Just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons and if you are, then take your own advice.

We often want the best for our friends before ourselves. But that same sage wisdom can be used by you.

It's amazing how smart we are if we are not so afraid as to speak up but even more so if we are able to listen to our own words and utilize them.

Advice which is proven is another thing too.

It falls into categories such as direction, education, and friendship.

"I got the stains out of the carpet with a glass of wine and battery acid."

(Thanks, I might try it or not)

But advice should never be forced upon someone, we all have our own ideas about how we want to live, and feelings of the direction we need to go in, and that's when advice should turn into support.

"I really like how happy you are these days with your new job. You seem to enjoy it and they seem to appreciate you. You made a good choice there. Glad to see you doing so well."

People sometimes have issues of jealousy, and instead of giving support, they turn it into competition.

Same scenario: "I haven't seen you at all since you got that job. Hope you're getting paid for all your hours. And do you really think that commute is worth it. It's your life, I'm just saying."

Now, putting both these scenarios together into supportive advice: "I'm so glad to see you happy these days and I think your new job has really changed you and given you confidence. The only drawback I see is the commute. Do you think you could use the train?"

We share advice with each other, and sometimes we need to understand what we are doing when we communicate in this manner.

Sometimes I'll be telling someone something and I'll realize that it applies to me too. So, we both benefit from the exchange.

If you find that people give you mostly negative advice, then you need to stop listening to them. Keep the people around you who will be honest, straightforward, not critical and jealous.

There are always going to be those who can't see you for the great person you are, because they can't see themselves that way either.

My advice is this: understand that people do have things to say that can assist you on your journey, and you also have experience, wisdom and compassion to pass along on your way too. However, there will be those who will not be capable of having your best interests at heart, and therefore you may want to take heed that advice coming from these types of people is usually very self centered.
But there is wisdom in everything, listen and look for it.

(Oh where did I put it?)

Kicking some bi-polar ass...getting past the depression...

"What did you say to him," a friend of mine asked me last week after I told her another friend was angry with me...again.

"Nothing, actually, it was all done with my hands."

So it seems I can make people angry even without uttering a single word. Wow, the power. (geez)

I apologized for doing whatever I did, which I'm not exactly sure of, but am sure that I was not happy at the time, and things can get misinterpretted very easily.

Sometimes people take things personally, which is the title, we have decided for the third book in the series, "The Chronicles of the Bi-polar Reporter." It has to do with a time that the medical establishment decided to give me some Paxil, and SSRI antidepressant, not meant for bi-polars.

I took one dose and went from depressive paralysis, to vigilante butt kicking, eradicating drugs from a whole city, maniac. None of it's true. Okay, I'm lying. Some of it is true. Well, most of it is true. People have not forgotten my bi-polar war on drugs. I'm thinking it should be called, "Tweekers versus Super Tweek." I don't care how much meth you consume, there will never be a rival to a bi-polar on antidepressants. That's what a whole city found out.

Anyway, I truly dislike it when my friends are more sensitive than I am insensitive, because I end up saying or doing something that brings them down.

Not knowing depression was on its way to my door step and into my mind, I was in what everyone around me likes to call a "mood." It was depression worming its way into my thinking and activities like a virus.

This is a serious subject as I know so many have suffered and even killed themselves because of the chemical breakdown which occurs during depressive phases of the bi=polar cycle.

I've said I would be honest and forthright on this blog, as an outlet for me, and a demonstration to the younger bi-polars, of how to handle these psychological challenges.

I wish I could say what happened this week was treated with my wisdom and experience, but it's not true. Depression hit like a rock against my head, and only now, more than a week later can I say that I feel...different. Nothing really happened except someone made me angry and it helped my mood.

Is that fucking crazy or what?

(I can hear the hissing of the hose filling again, and the mania on its way. )

What happened?

Sometimes nothing happens, and like someone told me this week, "what goes down, must come up," which is the only way to explain it.

There was an email on my computer last night that left me irritated. I didn't initially respond, because I didn't think this person was worth a mere sentence of rebuttal, but when I woke up this morning, I changed my mind.

I wrote back and made sure in four sentences to put this person quickly in her place, and left the sword hanging from her back. Felt pretty good actually.

But even as I did this, I recognized that my mood had changed, and stayed aware so I did not do more damage than was intended. I hit a target and left it at that. Pretty straightforward really.

Again, the game is this, keep aware of what you are thinking and doing at all times. It may seem a cumbersome task at first, but it is totally necessary to control the bi-polar.

This is not an easy life by any means, but it is interesting, never boring. I say always make it through the depression, don't let them be the defining moments. There are places our minds can go that others cannot follow or would be too afraid to follow. Its actually amazing if you can survive it.

I always have to remember that depression is a phase which will pass. And not to fuck everything up while I'm waiting.

Yes, I have tried many times to kill myself. So, I said it, even though it is difficult to admit.

The first attempt I was only 11 years old. After years of depression and a sudden onset of mania, I couldn't take it anymore. Obviously, it didn't work.

But try, try again. I attempted to kill myself in many ways, and was for some reason, always unsuccessful.

That is why this is such a serious subject and we should discuss it regularly. I've heard now, many young bi-polars talking about the "way out."

There is no way out, only a way through the mist kids. All of us at one time or another want to get out of the pain, but we have to, whether we like it or not, ride out the tidal wave of negative thinking. If I can do it, anyone can.

I'm no example to follow, and certainly no one to look up to. But I am someone who has done her best to not just stay alive, which is really nothing, but to create the best me I can create. When I go to sleep at night, I need to know I did my best, even if it didn't work too well. Your own life is your work of art. I'm a little abstract to say the least.

One of the funniest things said this week to me was when I related the manic rage incident from last week, where I tore myself up being angry over really nothing that couldn't be solved by a quieter mind. I was saying how stupid I was for getting so angry. I was simply told, "so what? You're human."

Now, generally speaking, people usually tell me in no uncertain terms that they agree I'm a dumbass, but to be told, I was human, well, that actually seemed okay.

Since a lot of us bi-polars feel like aliens from another planet most of the time, it was actually nice to have verification of my human status. That goes for all of you.

I'd like to apologize to everyone around me for my depressive attitude this week, and thank you all for understanding.

For some reason, when I get down, I bring everyone down with me. I hate that, and don't know exactly why it happens that way.

Now, the hose is filling again, by tomorrow a whole new outlook will replace the tattered remnants of the depression...so, let's kick some bi-polar ass...are you with me?

Emotional geography!

The bi-polar reporter on the loose, hunting big game, the former CEO of our local hospital, public healthcare district. And what a hunt its been.

I'd like to have an ending for my second book, and I'm getting anxious to see what it is. But like anything else I do, I have to get around my bi-polar to do it.

So, it started last night as I kept thinking that this white collar criminal is going to get away from a good public spanking. Nothing I could do about it, but say it on my other blog.

I've been trying to quit smoking, using Twizzlers as a substitute. Quite frankly I will never have another one after eating a pound of them last night. I don't even know what those damn things are, recycled plastic bottles with sugar and food coloring?

I knew I shouldn't have tried to eat that last one. I heard the rumble start in my stomach, and next thing I brought out my heating pad to try and stop the onslaught. I belched, turned green and fell asleep without setting the alarm.

At 7:15 I jumped out of bed, looking everywhere, confused, and suddenly realized I was running late.

Its not easy for me to get out of bed, but regardless of the Twizzler overdose and subsequent gas issues, and the regular pain of living, I hauled ass into the shower and raced to my destination.

Overdoing it comes natural to me apparently. My friend asked me how late I work. Well first I don't come alive until after 6 pm, so I do stay up late.
I then confessed that I work until the pain is too great and I can no longer see or feel my arms. Then I just pass out from there.

Her response was, "what the hell are you doing?" I wondered for a moment myself what I was doing, then realized, doing what I love.

So many people have watched me do the crazy things I do on my blogs, and they don't know where it comes from. I don't either, I'm just weird, and I get bored.

I can no longer do straight up news stories, I'm working out my own style and "spin."

And people have told me even though they "don't like me" or even what I write, they think its funny.

Absolutely, life is funny, that's my point. And there's a story in everything, I try to tell my writers, who are more frightened than I thought.

People seem to be frightened of me. I will never be able to get away with saying I'm a kind person again, after this fray with the healthcare district.

I know exactly how my parrot feels. I tell everyone she's just a sweet bird with a big beak. Then she freaks out one day and bites them on the face. She didn't mean it, she got too excited.

She's my bird, I've been bloodied by her on numerous occassions, but I'm crazy about that bad bird anyway. My friends have been chomped and pecked, and they forgive, me, I mean, her too.

I've bit the whole Kern River Valley on the face and they will always be watching for my beak forever more.

There is this wonderfully understanding and compassionate woman who works as an advocate for patients in nursing homes, and I told her I was bi-polar, and she pulled back on me for a minute or two.

Then she read the blog, the other one, the one with the guns, and she said, she had a son with ADHD, and worked with us different people in different capacities.

In her email she closed by saying, "I'm sure you are aware that in your "up phase" you have more energy than the average person, and that tends to overwhelm others. It's like a fire crew handling a high pressure fire hose. They have to keep a firm grip on it so that it doesn't become distructive."

Well, I relate this to the trials with my thyroid/bi-polar imbalance which ate up years of my life. Hell, that hose would fill, and I would be hanging on with both hands, trying to get a grip, then just as suddenly there would be nothing there.

Down I'd go. While I was dealing my new state of mind, the hose would start filling, I began to listen for the hissing sound, and off I'd go again.

These two very different states of mind can be confusing to get through, and certainly anyone with this disorder out of control, must realize that they are definitely a problem for others.

I've had more mania over the past six years than I can recall ever having to handle before. Yes, it was very bad during puberty, and then my twenties weren't so hot; okay, I'm stopping myself here, because it is difficult to compare these "eras" of bi-polar.

I do know one thing for certain, I learned a lot.

Today is one of dejavu days with flashbacks. In 2006 I had my best year in years. I was actually sleeping a few hours a night, I weighed almost 115 pounds, I was in an exercise class, I built up to writing several stories a week, the bi-polar was somewhat under control and I thought I was on my way back...again.

As the story goes that didn't happen, and within just two months I was suddenly missing 25 pounds, a rash began developing around my thyroid area, and I simply was on the way down.

The stress began to get to me, and by 2007, I was fully an out of control bi-polar. That hose was spraying everywhere. It didn't mean I was unable to recognize reality or had hallucinations, it meant I was so jacked up that I would wrestle constantly with irritation, adrenaline and emotions.

Nobody understood what the hell I was talking about, I tried to manage by myself staying what I call, "destimulated." meaning, reduce the stimulation, reduce the mania. A dark room for a few hours is what it takes sometimes.

As my health fell back apart, and the hope for some resolution to the problems always out of reach, I just held on for the rest of the ride. I white knuckled it. It was a roller coaster and the only way out was through it.

Then trauma after trauma hit in waves, one after the other until one day, I got the thyroid under control.

That was nine months ago, and I'm now the perfect person. Right. Anyway, survival of the fittest, you hang on and hang in, "beaten up, but never beaten down," and you will find your way.

Unfortunately, there is nobody who can help you but you. Great realization. Scary for some people. But its important to understand on a bi-polar level. Yes, if you fuck up, then apologize and hope for forgiveness. But recognize at all times what you are doing.

If your friends who know and understand you, tell you, hey, stay out of trouble for a few days, you know you've been bad bi-polar. If they are amused and you are productive, then that is another sign.

But we are responsible for our own behaviors, whether we are bi-polar or not. And no one else can get in that crazy head of yours that you're really all right, you just need to understand your current emotional geography.

Are you north pole or south pole? Well, my advice is always head for the equator. There is no GPS system for us. We have to do our own personal cartography.

Laura Hart, still bi-polar after all these years...