bi-polar days we wonder if we can survive...

As I said in my last post, I'm now attempting to kick Doctor dope, methadone which I began four months ago. The said part is that my ability to tolerate any medications is getting worse and worse. If there's a side effect to be had, I'll have it.

The worst part is my thyroid and what it can do to me, mentally and emotionally. These days I am having a difficult time talking to anyone. I don't desire conversation.

But it's the combination I know of having a low thyroid levels, my pain levels are way up, and my ability to carry out many tasks is limited. I know I have to give up a couple weeks to get off the methadone, but on the other hand, I'm a polar and we don't like to wait. So, I've kept it down to the lowest dose and until the pain and discomfort brings on tears.

Then I have no choice but to feed my body a medication it needs. They say quitting smoking is like kicking opiates, I just quit smoking around x-mas, and it wasn't this bad. So, I don't know if you have any real comparison to make.

Smoking is will power. So, is this I guess too.

The game I'm playing with myself is that it doesn't matter anymore whether or not I like it, I'm in the middle of someplace I don't want to be. I don't want to open my eyes in the morning and dread the day. Dread the feeling of being completely and hopelessly lost and miserable.

Friends who are missing and calling me, don't. I don't want to hear from anyone until I can put this negative situation behind me or die from it. I've had to endure too much in the last few years and this is just not what I wanted to happen.

When the news came in that my thyroid medication was being discontinued I could feel the cold chill, trust me. I knew that the stupidest fucking thing they did to me was to take my thyroid. "We can control it easier from the other side."

I hear that over and over as the morbid depression has it's icy fucking claws around me. My doctor was so wrong, I was not knowledgable enough to counter that claim. Now I know.

I'm the person who can't take the synthetic thyroid without getting low t3 and t4 numbers, which are the levels that count. And the depression is beyond me, I haven't felt this since...never. I've never had to actually keep myself alive mentally as my mind wanders to only the final sleep, which I know will be boring.

I actually have to remind myself that death is boring.

This is why the bipolars have to stay away from doctors to survive. Your first steroid episode may be your last when you kill somebody as your chemistry gets out of cognitive control.

I've known something is wrong with me for months, but it took that long to convince my doctor there is something off. It was the thyroid, but it's also this methadone and then there was the lupus medication.

Yes, most people can keep their lupus under control with steroids and Plaquenil, and some pain management.

That's not going to be me. I'm going to have to accept my fate, that I'm screwed. Or blessed who the hell knows.

But for now, it's a day to day, minute to minute thing, and I keep writing. Focusing away from the distress is the desired effect, and we will see what happens. I do seem to get alot done though. Funny enough. Hilarious.

So, it's going to be a couple more weeks before I can drop off the dose and see what happens. And then it will be about the thyroid. I've got an idea, it's not going to be doctor accepted I'm sure, but I've got a plan. If I can make it through this then I can make it thru anything I'm sure.

If this is not the end of me, then I'm meant to go on and do "grandiose" things, or more so than before. We will see...

Doctor drugs, kicking the doctor dope, you don't have to take all prescriptions...

I have had some sign of improvement of my symptoms regarding the pain killer I was prescribed and am now scrambling off of as fast as I can, Methadone.

I knew nothing about this medication and never should have taken it. It's one of the opiates, but the artificial kind, where scientists play with the molecular structure trying to improve or change the drug for a specific purpose.

The withdrawl is odd and strange, but just using it causes some symptoms for me.

I feel like I'm being tested by the universe right now. Can I handle another round of this shit? Not really.

But I'm more prepared now to do it, as I don't intend to watch my health slip again, they are going to help me whether they like it or not.

KVHD is going to do what I need done. We have a meeting coming up and I told them they are going to help me get my health back, they health they took.

I'm doing my fucking part, I'm holding ground with the heaviest drugs I've ever been given. How long these symptoms last will tell the tale. I can only go so far with this morbid depression.

It would be cruel to make someone live with this type of chemical let down, hormones all scrambled, just trying to keep my head above water everyday for months.

I finally could talk in the last day, and told my friends that I've been lying to them, trying to play it off, but I can hear the cracking of the plaster walls. It's caused by the thyroid and the pain killer, so it's a double whammy, and I'm surprised I made it this far.

But instead of suffering, I'm going to insist that I'm getting what I need, which is less medicine and more "new" "fresh" ideas to work with. I don't want the old prescription pad treatment. I want things that may have "off label" uses.

Speaking of off label uses, I have to find the article which says that Abbot Laboratories was suggesting to doctors and nursing homes to use Depakote, off label, on geriatric patients. It will be an interesting blog for KVHD under fire as it could clear a doctor and a director of nursing.

I get so angry that I can't work longer and hope to hell with a huge push, I will get what I need to carry on the work.

I want to leave a legacy to the KRV they won't forget, and a small business some friends and young and aspiring people can use. Then there's books being pushed out like kittens.

It's the research that takes the time, though I do love it. And I have to decide how and who will be the next to deal with this bipolar reporter.

But first, I have to get help, I'm too fucked up to get done what I want and what I am committed to at this point. The frustration is incredible, but yet, I Just keep going.

Tomorrow another day. I pray that it is better than today...