Depression and the void of laughter...

Well, I guess I blew all my good chemicals out my ears, as I'm in the middle of severe depression. The kind you don't really want to talk about.

After a family meltdown, and additional craziness that keeps me from trying to recover, I started to think about what the hell I can learn from this.

Yes, I can spin anything, even my own dark thoughts.

I've come to a point where its tough to admit, or talk about, but I think I hate myself. I think there has been a build up of dissappointment internally, and it plagues me.

When I get into this awful state of mind, I realize there is nothing anyone can do for me. It's all about me doing what I can to try to do to change this energy.

I've had all the helpful advice I can take, I just want to be left alone. And I've been verbally attacked, diminished, which didn't help either. Funny enough I'm too depressed to be angry about it at this point.

My energy is so bad, I can feel it, I don't know what it is all about, but if I plan on continuing my life, I better find out soon.

Hurting myself the other day made matters worse, as pain is not a friend, its an impediment. It's adding to the despondency.

All I can say to you people who have to suffer through this shit, is to not use your brain to figure it out. It's like submission, just accepting it, and praying the answers will come.

I've wrangled with depression all my life, but found myself intellectualizing it all. I could list all the reasonable things to do about it, but I didn't know how to utilize them.

When I can't laugh its like a void as it is my emotional tool.

Since everyone involved whirled right in behind me when I hit manic rage, they were affected which always makes me feel terrible.

So, now we're all depressed. And everyone is wondering what I'm doing. They have to call and check in.

I'll tell you I'm just trying to get through it that's all. Apparently, I've got to deal with these demons on some level so that I can find my way back from being lost.

Don't fight it, see it, and find out what happened to lead to the darkness.

I'll get back to you on that...

The creative souls

"You have to learn to accept rejection and reject acceptance."

One of the ways to really allow yourself flights of fancy into creativity is not letting anything or anyone stop you. True Freedom comes from your ability to fail. So, many talented people stop themselves because they don't think that their vision or whatever you want to call it, is acceptable or lives up to the expectation of others.

If you're bi-polar you may find yourself feeling different and out of place, but there is a place for everyone. And all you have to do to find it, is look inside yourself. It's there.

I recognize the struggle we all go through on a day to day basis, but that's the only way to live is second to second, day to day, being aware of what you're doing and why.

There are those swept up into a chemical reality, I know I've seen it first hand in my own family.

And I've seen some of them come back. My cousin, who knew most of her life she was likely bi-polar, but now she is accepting the situation. She's made a lot of progress. she is now becoming more creative, thinking outside that suffocating box.

I've seen a lot of progress with my friends, their children, in spite of much struggle. It's amazing really.

You may get beaten up, but never allow yourself to be beaten down.