One thing never changes....

As I reflect back over a tumultuous lifetime on record, meaning I can remember or think I do anyway, I sometimes fall into this pit, rut, or nut up thinking about my current status.


Is it too hot?


Should I shower?


What will I eat?

What does that cost?


Then and as if I suddenly understand I could care less about these necessary evils, and the only thing keeping me ticking is that I feel at some point I will be able to carefully, considerately, compassionately deliver my message.


Clearly I cannot go forth and play the game of the world is right as rain, just a tough run. Bull to bologney, I will spread the truth as best I can, practicing every day.


I'm a mocking bird, and my words sting the whole hive when I hit these high notes. It's not a  matter of meaness. I regret having been mean, said a mean word, cast a bad thought. My whole core revolves around a happiness, improvement, and an ideal of hold firm to truth.


Problem is that language is one of the shackles. This verbal intent on my part is only going to scatter fire and hoping open hearts have room for some more of the pieces.


The language and the depth, ambiguity, are programs for living. And dying. And torturing, tormenting...but also tickling, laughing, owning, choosing, creating could be written.


Without a clear communication it would be quite unlikely we could become one tribe of creative generators, making this ghastly gamey shamebulls, into a new original vantage point, may take patience and understanding.


I had anger. Human hissing, foaming anger. Cruelty, is unpleasant in any form. I don't look away. I can't look away. But I have the same weapons and could employ them too. Never changes that I realize I am not going to nor do I forget the times I did use it.


I have so many vantage points that clearly I see every but what is under my own nose.


I'm also a diligent word warrior, or as I have described "Verbavoire." I don't have many average characteristics, I don't clean, or do windows, and I never look down on those who are down.


But My message is that I care to communicate and continue challenging those who take it less than seriously that there is a change on the herverizon. Many of us out here are charging up our souped up communications and the revving is causing some stir.


I note a fearful sense in and around me, but that is what happens when I fear what is possible or even probable. " A force that created a prison for me." And on the inside and out. Not clever, cool, or respectable, but a negative force, holding back it's power mongering.


Others display their pay check to actors union income, dual and more, but I do suffer to offer real critical information on this circus of the anti-matter. It hurts, it's a conditioned, amnesiatic lie machine on every level.


Sad, as I have so many better ideas, and meet people all the time beaming with potentials and have yet to bring it forward.


Where's the technology? Where's the fun? Where's the love?


Who de-created everything?


More questions than answers. And stomach discomfort because of the gaps.


My current "status" is "introspective." I want to know what is ticking me off and making me tick.


And making me sick....lol


But one thing never changes.................No unexamined life is worth living-Socrates

If only it would go away completely...there's much to do

I have an appointment next week with a doctor and a CEO, who I'm sure will love to have to collect all my records from 2003 to 2009 so we can discuss the health situation I am in.

Sometimes I find myself mumbling, "give me my thyroid back" and I catch myself knowing there's nothing I can do about it now.

Except, there is something I can do and that is make them figure this out for me. I can't take the synthetic or compounded thyroid supplement,and it has caused some of the worst depression I've had to deal with.

Admittedly, there's still the withdrawl from the pain killers for my neck and the overall pain break outs, but I know there is something wrong.

It's not going to be pretty next week, and I'm sure they know. But there is plenty they don't know which will make this even more interesting.

There has been a change in my life and I wish my health would catch up with it, but it's not exactly that simple. I pray to the creator daily asking for help and direction. I watch for the signals and they are always there. It's just that there is more to do than I feel I can get done. But i don't stop, and nobody should.

If you are on a path, the one with heart, according to Castaneda, it's always a good path. I know that now, though my progress has been slowed, and my lessons are pretty tough and very painful, there is little outside influence which can stop me.

But the inner workings, the body chemistry being so susceptible to being thrown off, I worry sometimes. And then there's a thing called depression.

Depression is like gangrene, it eats at good flesh killing it with it's negativity. I've had to watch my mind throw all sorts of things in the road at me. Why I kept asking would I want to harm myself?

I realize I'm not perfect, nor would I want to try to be. I know I'm just a beginner in life, learning to follow my heart and certainty. So far, I like the results.

What?

Yeah, I've taken it step by step all thru my life, being hit each step of the way. I am assuming that in some way I picked up the negative feelings of my family and others which I internalized into my own thinking: I'm not worthy.

We all have to feel worthy. As I've worked with different people different ages on creative projects, I've seen people who cannot even show you their work or anyone else. They hate everything about their work and themselves.

With my short fuse I'm not the greatest teacher, a much better doer, but I have seen how my attitude effects them.

Some have no problems with some criticism, while others have moved from the valley based on what I've said about their work.

They can't write as fast as me, they can't think of topics, they have one excuse after another to get things written. And when i see their disappointment in themselves, I do understand.

I have those same feelings, but I keep pushing past them as I know where I want to go.

But when I get the weight of my insecurity, my depression, my dislike for what I could of should of done in my life, I struggle. People around me get nervous that I may harm myself. But they also see that I am driven, and won't stop. I can't let anything or anyone get in my way at this juncture, so I don't.

It has caused some pain, but my friends are not out of touch with who I am. I'm their friend and they can count on me, whether or not they agree with me, or agree with my attitude. What i do is for us all though, not simply for me. It's the work I enjoy, it's outrunning fear to finish a goal, and it's about learning to enjoy the journey.

If it doesn't come to you at once, don't worry, keep your eyes set on what you want and it will happen. Creativity is an exercise, keep writing, painting, drawing, imagining, and you will draw the poison that stopped you from stretching out your life, and fill your heart with clean, pure, thoughts to transfer into magic.

Depression is not a struggle or you lose. I've been watching it ooze out my pours as each day has brought me a new lesson. I don't believe in negativity, it's not necessary for any of us.

Writers and artists are wonderfully sensitive, funny, people, and I thank everyone for their input, their pats on the back, and mostly for hanging with me. Now, let's get going here, it's getting fun....

The creative souls

"You have to learn to accept rejection and reject acceptance."

One of the ways to really allow yourself flights of fancy into creativity is not letting anything or anyone stop you. True Freedom comes from your ability to fail. So, many talented people stop themselves because they don't think that their vision or whatever you want to call it, is acceptable or lives up to the expectation of others.

If you're bi-polar you may find yourself feeling different and out of place, but there is a place for everyone. And all you have to do to find it, is look inside yourself. It's there.

I recognize the struggle we all go through on a day to day basis, but that's the only way to live is second to second, day to day, being aware of what you're doing and why.

There are those swept up into a chemical reality, I know I've seen it first hand in my own family.

And I've seen some of them come back. My cousin, who knew most of her life she was likely bi-polar, but now she is accepting the situation. She's made a lot of progress. she is now becoming more creative, thinking outside that suffocating box.

I've seen a lot of progress with my friends, their children, in spite of much struggle. It's amazing really.

You may get beaten up, but never allow yourself to be beaten down.