Where were we? Or where are we...where is me? The big challenge is on...

It's a new week and a set of new challenges. Not because I'm bi-polar but because I'm a freak of nature with health problems misunderstood by assholes like my former, abusive doctor Nadler, I wrote about recently and very openly, on the KVHD under fire blog.

But even in the new situation, my new doctor, things have gone wrong and now I face a challenge which I have to win or lose it all.

I've explained what thyroid levels do to us bi-polar sorts, it really messes with the emotions and the up and downs, depending on which way your thyroid is off, hypo or hyper.

I think I experienced them both, and now we are trying something new which isn't working, but they say it's working because I'm within normal limits.

Mutherfuckers I've never been within normal limits on anything, and if I say it's not right, it's not right. It's subjective, the numbers, and it's that simple.

But if you're me and every medication you take causes a reaction, there are issues doctors have with you. First, that you are taking up too much time for a pittance of money and second, that people tire of looking for their car keys, much less your hidden health problems.

I can't take medication. One medication I mentioned I can't take because of whatever reason is Vicodin. It makes me sick, sweaty, unable to sleep, and irritable.

After a year of pain, migraine headaches, neck and back pain, from the contest I had with a bathtub and my face, I needed to come down from the chronic pain.

I had taken some medication which was effective but wore off shortly after use, you get about two hours and then you're needing to stop the pain again, then again, and it takes up a whole day to pill pop.

So, it was an honest mistake, we changed three medications at once, and did not know which one was causing the problems, the change.

I asked recently if the new pain killer, Methadone, is related somehow to vicodin and was told yes. Well fucking great, I need to get off this shit and fast, which is what I'm doing.

Oh, and let me tell you this hurts so fucking much, I've never felt anything like it. My back, my head, my eyelash, it's horrifying. I'm like a junkie, well, I am a junkie, I'm kicking doctor dope. It's pure, it's fucked and I need to get off now.

The problem is that the medication itself is making me ill, combined with the thyroid, I have to say I've been very suicidal. I look at knives and think of driving a few into my chest or tracking my arteries with a paring knife.

So, I can't live on this stuff anymore, one of these days I'll crack and it will be over.

In an effort to take some sort of action to help myself without more medication, I'm kicking it, is the phrase.

Several weeks ago, I went from thirty milligrams a day to fifteen. It was unpleasant, but I survived.

Today, I took nothing until the pain had me in tears and I couldn't take it anymore and that was nine pm. I only took five milligrams at first. Then the pain diminished, but I cut a pill in four, which would be 2.5 milligrams, thus cutting my dosage in half again.

My sister is worried I will have a heart attack going down this fast, and I reassured her I would kill myself first if I don't get off of this fast.

I can hardly function sometimes, and I write my way thru the pain. Maybe that is my fate is to have to face the daily pain and just write it away. It's not like I have only a little to do, I've got lists to finish, goals to get to, and now a junkie habit to lose so I can do anything at all.

Let's see how much pain I can handle tomorrow. I feel less depressed just because I'm taking some action. In my world, less drugs, the better.

Bi-polars who see psychiatrists are often lab rats who are given all sorts of medications to test on people. Some people want to be medicated and if that is the case then you should. If you would rather be an "unmedicated bi-polar" is what I'm called it takes some time and experience. But when you won't medicate it is not looked at as a successful cognitive functioning bi-polar who has seen the dark side of it, trust me, and walked away on fire to the pool of water. For some reason it's always negative if you don't agree to be medicated.

"Doctor, she's giving us trouble she won't get sedated."

Fuck you.

is it an upswing, I sure hope so...

A week ago I could hardly speak, my mind had drifted off into the land of the lost. My condition had deteriorated to that point and it was quite unpleasant to say the least.

My chemistry again my nemesis and finally today, I felt a fog lift, only to see to my horror, that there is trouble everywhere. I'm surrounded. But I saw something else too.

The day was a strange one as I came out of my stupor. I feel a little like I've been gone for a time. I also sense that I had some issues to deal with that manifested into my health. (that's another blog. How my thinking, and I suppose it would be safe to say everyone's thinking, and our self perception creates illness and or health)
After speaking with my doctor who told me the endocrine system is responsible for all my hormones basically, and that it could take months to straighten out the thyroid while stopping the methadone painkillers.

But you know he didn't say it ominously, he said that rather matter of factly, which disturbs me a bit.

Only in the sense that my life has become a series of rounds of trying to catch myself before I fall, as my chemistry launches itself all over the place.

However, what he said was so non-judgmental and just the new facts of my life, I could hardly be saddened or angry for that matter.

So many others have used this against me, which is a theme I am exploring in the third book of the Chronicles of the bi-polar Reporter. I have to get this book done and I hope this upswing takes hold so I can begin to speed up my work. And clean it up too.

But today the other thing I saw is my destiny, it's not far away the mark I wanted to make, the goal to conquer. What I mean by that are the defining moments in our lives, the ones that make it real and special.

If we continue to define ourselves or describe ourselves by all the slights we have suffered in our lives, we will continue to be the little toe on the end of the foot all twisted and it keeps getting caught on the furniture. Ouch.

This is a special day and it defines me. Click. Save.

Even the struggle of the chemistry, the bipolar, the dark depression, are important aspects as much I realize the night is as important as the day. Different, but equally important.

A couple months ago I said something harsh to a friend of mine which made her cry. I didn't know at the time that it had effected her like that. I was just made aware of this today.

I offered no excuses for my behavior, as I'm the responsible one. But out of this sharp remark, the pain, the apology, has come the most amazing thing, everyone will soon hear about. Just not yet. And an amazing person doing amazing things which stokes my fire that I can get back up and follow my path, bi-polar or whatever.

And the last several months of being twisted from the medication changes were so strong that I was not sure I would live and could not even project myself into the future. Death and I guess serious lethargy got in the way of my visions.

I saw it today, the day I woke up. I've been sleep walking for a while, not realizing it. I'm awake now and I guess I follow the path to see where it goes...