Following the trail: back up the rabbit hole...

hello, I'm Laura and I'm a drug addict, alcoholic, sex addict, food freak, etc if you will...

I have to get used to the "outside" again, as I was incarcerated recently, not for long, as I'm not one to settle in anywhere. But new information about what happened on November 11, 2011, the day my bi-polar became seriously out of control, has come to the surface as I have to retrace my missteps from this past month.
I'm clean of it all, the drugs are gone...but then so was I.
Can you imagine watching someone kick opiates and benzo's all at once?
God it must have been terrible for those around me, and I must apologize, because that is what bi-polar American's do when they fuck up royally.
I want to not only make amends, as I could have escaped this pain by simply reducing medications over the course of some months and then gone on my way, I want to be better because of it.

BUT NO...
Being bi-polar means knowing what you are and what you are not. I'm not sane all the time, and I'm not able to handle the drugs I was taking. It was awful for All of us, not just me.
Oh my it hurt to writhe in agony, but I will never forget, and that is something that may save us all from another bad trip. I'm the one in charge, so whatever goes wrong is my responsibility.

I love the truth
As I've spent the last week at home working on the house of pain, the house of dirt, and disaster, I can see clearly that I was not in a state of mind that was conducive to living a clean and easy life. I like things the hard way.
If it can't be done, then I would do it. I would put all my personal issues aside to take on anything, even a dare. That is nothing new, it's been a whole life of putting my own needs on hold while I whip up a tornado and go out and do damage.
Now, I'm more interested in doing things that I know have at the least a seed of truth. I love the truth, and I'm irritated by people who bullshit. Oh yeah, and I'm a great bullshitter if I may say so myself. But the difference is only that I want and need to hear about my issues so I can change them. However, don't bull shit a bullshitter as I will know.

I'm working hard to come back and be all that I can be, and that includes dealing with my issues and they are numerous. You have no idea the kind of anger I have been carrying around...

Well, some out there got a taste of the personality we call the "bi-polar reporter" the one who makes sure that there are no people who are hurt or taken advantage of. How realistic is that? Not at all, therefore, this alter ego has spent years hounding others and threatening their very existence.


What can I do with all my anger?
I decided I had to come to terms with this or go over the edge and now it's a daily thing, making a bed, raking leaves, cooking stew, and having FAITH.
Thank you God or Scooter as I call it, the universe, for the breakdown, which was necessary for true change to occur. I want the truth, and I will find it, and be okay with it, as I was drunk, on opiates, freaking out, and now I'm into the moment, the only thing that counts.
I can no longer stuff this down. I kind of wish I could as the constant need for truth telling is getting on the nerves of others around me who would prefer to just package it all and call it a day.

Not bi-polar American's

We bi-polar's are all over it, the truth, the reason for our malady, and with the truth comes real change so it must not be feared.
It would be nice if I could stop telling everyone the truth, but I don't feel it's good for me or them to lie or couch the truth. It's a real skin peeler to take off all these layers of deceit. Maybe I will find that I'm still lying after all of this, but I won't worry about it, as it will do what it's going to do whether or not I actually do anything.

We are so extreme

I should say that I'm extremely angry at a lot of things, but that is not my focus. I want to take control of my mind, thoughts, life, and the only way is thru my "anger management." 

My therapist was told that she could not let the bi-polar reporter run the therapy, and I was not manic when I last saw her, which made a huge difference. 
I'm not my anger, but then what am I? I guess I'm a lot of things, too caring, too much of a pussy who constantly gives chances to others but sadly not myself. 


This is my first blog back and I want to say that my "authority complex" has gotten even more complex as I found friends in my guards at jail. They not only watched me kick opiates, including herion, which I used three times this year, and benzo's I relied upon for self control, but they were KIND. 


The last part I did not expect. They were on my bi-polar radar as the "bad guys" and I guess that made me a good guy, sort of, but now they are truly appreciated. 


I want the Sheriff's department to know that they are supported by the insane, unkempt, types like me, the bi-polars. I'm sure they are thrilled but they should be as I don't take to just anyone, I'm kind of picky, so they must be extremely cool! 


Thank you all for your support, I plan on making this work, and will get back with my progress. Right now it's white knuckle time, trying to be an adult. Oh, didn't I tell you, I'm like born yesterday or something. 


When I left the jail I had no idea what I would face here at home, but I was hoping that it would be easy. NOT. It's been arduous and tough, like a bi-polar likes it I know, but also it's a learning experience, like I like it. 


I'll continue to let you know what I'm learning. And if the Sheriff's hear this message, please know I am sincere, and would like to make good on my promise. Walter and I tried to get there, but we ended up crying and buying a cell phone...(Don't ask) which is fun and awesome, I love it! 


Thanks to the people who care about me, you are so stupid, yet I love you....


More to follow: Indeed

Some things going on in our Comunity

Well it's been a couple of weeks since a post here and I'm a guest author today November 28 2011.

 I and my significant other were arrested in 2003 for sales of marijuana and won our case in 2004. After that we decided to celebrate the win with a big party just for Medical Marijuana Patients, their caregivers and families. We camp out and have a big BBQ dinner Saturday night and a band and pretty much all the good bud you can consume. It runs from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon and is just a really good good time.

The second weekend of this month we had our big party again. After the first one we had to make it a twice a year tradition. Full Moon in June and Harvest Fest times for are our parties and we've had 7 harvests and 8 June parties.

Every party a wrench gets thrown into the storm that is planning for a party to feed 100 people and this last Harvest party was no exception, except, that the wrench thrown was not a printer going out or running out of ink or such, but the sudden snap of my very bipolar best friend. Yeah, she up and decided that she wasn't going to take anymore medicine; period. None of it!

This was not a good thing. My friend was on heavy narcotics, Xanax, and she had to take thyroid meds as hers didn't work anymore. For those of you out there who don't know the significance of needing thyroid replacement medicine; the thyroid controls the heart rate and other vital processes. Without thyroid hormones you die.

It was weird how I was able to watch the SNAP of my friend's mind. I've flipped out before but had never seen it. And once she snapped... It was like all of the sudden she was enraged and there were no words to calm her. I had to ride that rage all the way home. Ahhhh! 

 I was instantly angry too! How dare she do this to me three days before my big party! So now not only do I have to worry if I got everything for this party but I have to worry if my friend is going to kill herself. She said she wanted to die.  NOT ON MY WATCH!

So this is Tuesday before the party when she flips. She drops me off at home and I'm freaked and look it. She goes on home too, she thinks to die. NOT ON MY WATCH.

The next morning another couple of friends went to check on her at my request. They took food and were hoping to talk her back to compliance. However, she was not having any of it. So they went to the fire department up the street and reported her as an attempted suicide. The cops came and she threatened them and then had a seizure. They ended up taking her to the local ER where she attacked a nurse and ran away. The cops found her at a church, curled up in a ball on the floor crying. They took her back in and she went to jail.

Now, I thought she went to 3-B at KMC or something like that. I did not know they just took her to jail.

So, we have our party, and it goes off without a hitch. It's Monday and I get word that my friend is in jail not a hospital. OH NO! So I make the call to the jail and tell them I have information about an inmate and I need to talk to medical or they could have another death in custody! I get transferred and am able to tell the nurse what's up with my friend and that she wants to die. She transfers me to the mental health nurse, who I again tell, and she thanks me, and I feel better. I know now that she will get the attention she needs.

The next morning I get a call from a lady, identifying herself as my friends case manager at KMC's 3-B ward. She tells me that my friend is there and her thyroid condition had been diagnosed and treated
and she was after a little history. I was happy to oblige. I was even able to give them the name of her endocrinologist which the manager knew. After we were done she told me I probably saved my friends life. Ha! She's not suiciding on my watch! In Jail or not!

My question is; Why was she sent to jail without life sustaining medications? It's not like she wasn't brought in as a psychiatric patient in the first place. But somehow after she assaulted the nurse and made her escape, her psych problem got forgotten, along with the rest of her medical history, including the thyroid. So she went to jail with nothing. Will there be any lasting damage to her heart or other organs from being without her thyroid meds for almost a week? I guess we will see.

Right now my friend feels great! Newly off the narcotics she's riding the high of sobriety. I am newly off morphine so I kinda know the feeling of having that weight lifted off. I just hope she doesn't crash. I didn't, but I'm hot as radically bipolar as my friend. I just hope she's ok from now on. No more wanting to die.