Ahh, I feel better after getting that out...now back to work
Though I am a crappy writer and my sentence structure weak, I still want to get to work and finish my books. I also have other unfinished business with certain types in the god awful Kern River Valley.
Having made the decision: Yuck, this town sucks, I need to leave, now I'm ready to conclude my business.
Yes, it was a tough day, all brutally angry about nothing. Also scared of the dark and all my childhood dreads. Screw it! That's over and now I'm ready to get on with it.
Some may say I'm moving too fast, but they may not be sober and reliable. Sadly, I may lose friends because I've decided to be sober and to do what I want to do. It is not easy but I can't have my friends who may not even realize they have their own problems, tell me to take psych meds!
Good God did she really say that?
She did and I in turn dished some truth back at her which didn't sit well. I had at least two people hang up the phone on me yesterday as, BABY, THE TRUTH HURTS!
I'm a bi-polar, not an idiot, thank you. And life has it's ups and downs along the way. So fucking what? You don't have to be a manic/depressive, as people use to call us, to have these different levels of living. I'm sure you, fair reader, must experience some MADNESS too.
Oh, there are those who won't admit to this and like to try and change us. FUCK YOU FRAIDY CAT!
I'm a bit manic, but not out of control!
Just when you think to count us out, and I mean us, the bi-polar reporter too, you will be surprised. The reporter wants to correct everything. Not that I will let her. I have more control now that I realize what characters I have created.
Today offers a new chance to use the reporter for the good. Yesterday I thought I may have to use drugs to control my unknown anger...but I didn't. I attacked but did not do damage. AWESOME! I am proud I leashed the "seek and destroy" character as it really doesn't have much relevance in my life to destroy for the sake of some crazy anger.
Now the reporter surfaced later in the day and we corrected a problem with our neighbor. He left his dog run our neighborhood for too long. I chased the dog home in my car and his owner, the nitwit, waved at me indicating he was thankful for the return of his dog.
I bit my tongue, and signaled with my hand that he needed to come to my car to hear more. He really didn't want to but obliged as I waited. First, let me say, that I don't like him. Why? Because again sometimes people are a pain. This contractor, religious, woman hating, type ditched my Father and I several years ago when we needed a roof put on.
Now he cannot even think that we don't want his fucking dog in our trash at night or opening the gates. This dumb dog, not his fault, aggressed my pooch Walter. I don't like it! Nobody fucks with Walter the most awesome dog in the land. But it's the owner, not the dog, I take issue with.
This dumb ass says, "call animal control," and I quickly respond, "I already did." But I had to tell him you're being a rude neighbor by allowing this. We have all tried to be nice. Fuck nice! It doesn't work as this guy eventually said we need to secure our gates as his doggy gets out sometimes and it is out of his control.
Listen he actually has a dog run. Yet, we the victims of his unneutered male, pissing machine, must secure our gates. I don't think so, and animal control will be called so he gets a ticket a week if necessary. Hopefully, this freak will get the message. I like his dog, I think he's a dick.
The Animal Control officer did call me back and suggested that I continue to call them and make complaints, until this irresponsible owner makes sure his dog, and not my fence, stays closed. I WILL!
Don't bother others unless they want you to...
I can't make people do anything. I may see routes of action but people have to do their part. I'm doing mine by staying sober, focusing on my interests, goals, and when I interfere I may make others unhappy.
It's tough to listen to the same story about how someone hurt, bullied and eventually took financial advantage of my friends. They constantly fear this or they are making threats. But dammit, they never follow through. I can't listen to it anymore. It's that simple.
Now I see it! As the song goes, "I was blind but now I see."
What I need and want is a good editor. If only a person existed who believed in this writer, but I'll find him or her eventually. I do believe in me, heck I'm my biggest, and maybe only fan! Hooray for me, as I'm free to do what I want.
Oh, Scooter, tell me again: what do I want? I'm kidding, somewhere deep down, I know EXACTLY what I want. And I am on track to getting it.
I feel scared that my friends seem to be upset with me. But I have to face they may only be fair weather friends. New friends who can accept me are in order. I'll know soon enough who can stand me and all my personalities. (She's so crazy and we are not...LOL)
So, think of me when you fuck up today, and know I do it all the time, and goddammit, I enjoy it! Tell someone off and create a better space for yourself, and the bi-polar reporter will rest easy that she doesn't have to work on your behalf.
I've got animals who need attention and a house to clean. Good luck to all with anger and pain...God it's great! Laura Hart (yeah, it's me)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Please do no damage...
Since I went back to sleep
Okay, the garbageman must be suicidal as he has not left my street and the very sound of his truck is irritating me. One more time and he will be stuffed in my trash can for good!
This is what I'm dealing with this morning: the worst of my worst. It's irritated, wants to hurt someone, and when it does I will definitely want to hurt myself. The circle of life. I hurt someone, or myself, then feel guilty, then I begin to believe with certainty I don't deserve to live.
It all started with wanting to cry
I could not cry this morning. Or I felt it would be whiny and weak to cry. Next thing I know this set upon me: pain and misery. I guess I never felt permission to cry ever in my life. I had to cover it up.
Well, this is what you get after too long a time of not crying normally: a maniac of unknown proportion. I know this feeling it's overwhelming. It has sarcasm the reporter could not or would not even like. I feel terrible that this is here. I'm already guilty and all I did so far is go after a loser counselor. Just adding the word loser means I'm still in this.
If I cry it seems so futile. Like there's a whole lake of tears I have not shed. How could I possibly remedy or satisfy the blood lust of this thing? God, I don't know. I'm afraid to go out. I would rather have the flu or pretend I do. I know in the past I would make excuses and not go or do anything. But today is my new day and I don't want this anymore.
How they hell do I get rid of it?
That's the biggest question of them all. If I were not into this sobriety thing I would hit this fucker with some big drugs. I would not use alcohol...no fucking way! I would likely smoke pot and feel great. It would take this down and fast.
Then I would never know what this is would I? I have to try and endure this somehow and figure out what it needs so it can be dealt with. Sleep didn't help, in fact it hurt. I'm in pain from head to toe because I had previously not slept. And this thing is loose. It wants blood and revenge.
Okay, stop, think, and what?
Maybe I should hit this with drugs...woops I have no drugs. Not that I could not get them. Okay, I resolve to resolve this without drugs. Oh no, it's going to be bad. I'm scared to death. I have no control over this one. I would even think the reporter would be a better bet than this.
One thing not to do: go anywhere I'm triggered. I have to HALT and remain calm in this storm of storms. I would like anesthesia or something. This is my fucking PAIN! And it wants out and about.
Not on my watch!
No more tragedy and hurt. I can't let this go on anymore and it has to be within my power. Right now my dog psychiatrist is laying on the couch ready to be beaten or at least yelled at. He knows this thing. And the bird who started to bitch, shut up quickly, as I shouted at her. The cat is out, she's a little shit.
Now, I have to get something done today. I have to do something, but I really feel so out of it, I'm not sure what that is. I do know that a meeting of AA would be a great place to become inflamed and disliked immediately. These people do not want to see this. They have their own addict behaviors they have not dealt with.
For some reason these NA and AA folks think that sobriety is the only game in town. It is to a degree, but then there's the horrible reality that you have MUCH MORE SHIT going on than drug use. The real work is under that sober exterior. That is why I can't be just an addict. I'm also addicted to the pain.
Letting go of the pain for the day...
Hmm, maybe if I could just let this go for the day, I wonder what that would do? Or I could just endure biting my tongue. Or I could call and complain about this idiot counselor, which again would do no good. I have other targets in mind to hit with my scathing sarcastic, smart bombs, who have eyes of their own. I could definitely hurt anyone right now.
But the goal for today...keep it in check. Then later return for another peek and hope I can turn it from destructive to constructive.
Nobody call me, I'm not a good person right now. I will hurt you then turn and hurt me. I must write to my Father and tell him NOT to call. I might again begin to threaten them all. Or I might tell the truth which would be equally as alarming. I can't help that his former wife, my mother, and the crazy old bitch who raised her, were child molesters in their own right. Then there were others as my life became out of control sexually.
Not just a drug addict, as I said in other posts, a sex addict and food addict. Right now I hate all food other than mine. I was a freak about how my food was prepared and by whom. And I had to live off of ice cream. I really want some ice cream right now.
Good luck to me. I hope I learn a lot today. I want to deal with the biggest mess: my fucked up emotions. They are truly fucked up and know no bounds. I'm hurt, I felt abandoned by my Father, angry at the bitches, hate my judgmental stepmother, and now it extends to anyone who has ever slighted me.
This is fun. If you can't call, which you shouldn't, please just pray for me. I have 50 years of pain to deal with, and I should have just cried...maybe it would not be as bad. Oh yes it would!
Have a fucked day and make it better. Or just a nice day, mutherfuckers. Oh shit, I'm sorry. Have a great day from the misery of me...Laura Hart (?)
Okay, the garbageman must be suicidal as he has not left my street and the very sound of his truck is irritating me. One more time and he will be stuffed in my trash can for good!
This is what I'm dealing with this morning: the worst of my worst. It's irritated, wants to hurt someone, and when it does I will definitely want to hurt myself. The circle of life. I hurt someone, or myself, then feel guilty, then I begin to believe with certainty I don't deserve to live.
It all started with wanting to cry
I could not cry this morning. Or I felt it would be whiny and weak to cry. Next thing I know this set upon me: pain and misery. I guess I never felt permission to cry ever in my life. I had to cover it up.
Well, this is what you get after too long a time of not crying normally: a maniac of unknown proportion. I know this feeling it's overwhelming. It has sarcasm the reporter could not or would not even like. I feel terrible that this is here. I'm already guilty and all I did so far is go after a loser counselor. Just adding the word loser means I'm still in this.
If I cry it seems so futile. Like there's a whole lake of tears I have not shed. How could I possibly remedy or satisfy the blood lust of this thing? God, I don't know. I'm afraid to go out. I would rather have the flu or pretend I do. I know in the past I would make excuses and not go or do anything. But today is my new day and I don't want this anymore.
How they hell do I get rid of it?
That's the biggest question of them all. If I were not into this sobriety thing I would hit this fucker with some big drugs. I would not use alcohol...no fucking way! I would likely smoke pot and feel great. It would take this down and fast.
Then I would never know what this is would I? I have to try and endure this somehow and figure out what it needs so it can be dealt with. Sleep didn't help, in fact it hurt. I'm in pain from head to toe because I had previously not slept. And this thing is loose. It wants blood and revenge.
Okay, stop, think, and what?
Maybe I should hit this with drugs...woops I have no drugs. Not that I could not get them. Okay, I resolve to resolve this without drugs. Oh no, it's going to be bad. I'm scared to death. I have no control over this one. I would even think the reporter would be a better bet than this.
One thing not to do: go anywhere I'm triggered. I have to HALT and remain calm in this storm of storms. I would like anesthesia or something. This is my fucking PAIN! And it wants out and about.
Not on my watch!
No more tragedy and hurt. I can't let this go on anymore and it has to be within my power. Right now my dog psychiatrist is laying on the couch ready to be beaten or at least yelled at. He knows this thing. And the bird who started to bitch, shut up quickly, as I shouted at her. The cat is out, she's a little shit.
Now, I have to get something done today. I have to do something, but I really feel so out of it, I'm not sure what that is. I do know that a meeting of AA would be a great place to become inflamed and disliked immediately. These people do not want to see this. They have their own addict behaviors they have not dealt with.
For some reason these NA and AA folks think that sobriety is the only game in town. It is to a degree, but then there's the horrible reality that you have MUCH MORE SHIT going on than drug use. The real work is under that sober exterior. That is why I can't be just an addict. I'm also addicted to the pain.
Letting go of the pain for the day...
Hmm, maybe if I could just let this go for the day, I wonder what that would do? Or I could just endure biting my tongue. Or I could call and complain about this idiot counselor, which again would do no good. I have other targets in mind to hit with my scathing sarcastic, smart bombs, who have eyes of their own. I could definitely hurt anyone right now.
But the goal for today...keep it in check. Then later return for another peek and hope I can turn it from destructive to constructive.
Nobody call me, I'm not a good person right now. I will hurt you then turn and hurt me. I must write to my Father and tell him NOT to call. I might again begin to threaten them all. Or I might tell the truth which would be equally as alarming. I can't help that his former wife, my mother, and the crazy old bitch who raised her, were child molesters in their own right. Then there were others as my life became out of control sexually.
Not just a drug addict, as I said in other posts, a sex addict and food addict. Right now I hate all food other than mine. I was a freak about how my food was prepared and by whom. And I had to live off of ice cream. I really want some ice cream right now.
Good luck to me. I hope I learn a lot today. I want to deal with the biggest mess: my fucked up emotions. They are truly fucked up and know no bounds. I'm hurt, I felt abandoned by my Father, angry at the bitches, hate my judgmental stepmother, and now it extends to anyone who has ever slighted me.
This is fun. If you can't call, which you shouldn't, please just pray for me. I have 50 years of pain to deal with, and I should have just cried...maybe it would not be as bad. Oh yes it would!
Have a fucked day and make it better. Or just a nice day, mutherfuckers. Oh shit, I'm sorry. Have a great day from the misery of me...Laura Hart (?)
Split pea soup...
Angry in the morning
I guess I have another angry personality, if you even want to call it that. It's raw anger set upon hurting me and hurting others. I thought the reporter was bad, this is really bad. It's the destruction.
Here's how the night went: I got some fucking sleep. I don't know how but I slept for a while, and it actually hurts more now. When I woke up I wanted to cry. Then I stopped immediately! I thought of this crisis counselor I've had the displeasure of speaking with and he had been on the phone while I was crying. He gave me some shit about my crying so I ASSUMED he was somehow against crying. My Father did not care about me when I would cry. That would be too much.
Plus my Mother or whatever she was, cried only to manipulate. She had an agenda for her tears. I was simply thinking crying would be better than the other which is damage and ruin. I guess I'm right. But I had to have this experience so I would know there's another one of us, hurt, pissed off, and ready to destroy everything and everyone in her path. Fuck him! I called to see if this B grade counselor or whatever his is was available. Fuck if he didn't answer. I told him thanks for the fucked up advice about crying. He insists all that he said was what good was crying going to do.
Hmm, let's see, it will keep me from dealing with the angry fuck that's about to tell you off. Then I told him off. He's an idiot. A fuckhead who thinks his volunteer work with the crisis hotline is somehow a SUCCESS. Ha ha, ha, ha ha, you are the most idiotic person I have ever met...today. Okay, he did say that I could cry, but got on about why. He said that "I don't know" is an excuse. I know that fucking piss ant. I can't quite tell you why I want to cry other than I have a storehouse of pain. Is that enough you D student with an attitude? He's not of course ever going to read this so I don't know why I even wrote it.
I told him what a jerk he was about telling me to create a "life plan." Oh my God does he actually believe this himself? I wonder what his plan looks like. Here's an example: 1. Talk to idiots on the phone and tell them to create a life plan and they might believe it.
This bonehead started up again about it. How can you live your life without a plan? Okay, I've lived for almost 50 years and no plan. Not that it's gotten me anywhere. Okay, I can stop now, I'm beginning to look stupider than usual.
I'm not a rage monster
This part of myself scares me. I could do really bad things. I remember so many times waking up to this horror. I remember I went to court with this personality once and was almost arrested for talking to the judge like he was an idiot. The public defender stepped in before I could do too much damage. Thank God.
Yes, if it weren't for God, this personality would have ruined my life. And it's not the reporter who has an agenda of truth and justice, the only thing this one wants is pain for us all. There are and were holes all over the house. I or it or whatever kicked them, punched them, and tore the house down.
What do I do with this thing? It's a real problem for me. I remember the pain of hitting my hands up against the walls, my head, my feet, until I bled.
No more, I have to face this thing down before it gets loose. I guess if I need to cry I need to cry. It's better than this. And even if I don't really know why I'm crying the personality that cries for help is better than the one that runs off everything good in my life.
I think I'll call this one: Destruction or maybe Seek and Destroy. It's a painful wound that wants attention and nobody knows how much pain this thing is carrying around. It's intense. I'm already willing to go back to sleep and try to start over. If I cry at least it will be honest.
With this shit said, hope you have a good day. Hope you don't cross my path. (kidding) No, I'm not letting this pit bull out of the yard, I have the gates closed. At least now I can identify the characters in my head.
Great...hope all is good in the world...Laura Hart
I guess I have another angry personality, if you even want to call it that. It's raw anger set upon hurting me and hurting others. I thought the reporter was bad, this is really bad. It's the destruction.
Here's how the night went: I got some fucking sleep. I don't know how but I slept for a while, and it actually hurts more now. When I woke up I wanted to cry. Then I stopped immediately! I thought of this crisis counselor I've had the displeasure of speaking with and he had been on the phone while I was crying. He gave me some shit about my crying so I ASSUMED he was somehow against crying. My Father did not care about me when I would cry. That would be too much.
Plus my Mother or whatever she was, cried only to manipulate. She had an agenda for her tears. I was simply thinking crying would be better than the other which is damage and ruin. I guess I'm right. But I had to have this experience so I would know there's another one of us, hurt, pissed off, and ready to destroy everything and everyone in her path. Fuck him! I called to see if this B grade counselor or whatever his is was available. Fuck if he didn't answer. I told him thanks for the fucked up advice about crying. He insists all that he said was what good was crying going to do.
Hmm, let's see, it will keep me from dealing with the angry fuck that's about to tell you off. Then I told him off. He's an idiot. A fuckhead who thinks his volunteer work with the crisis hotline is somehow a SUCCESS. Ha ha, ha, ha ha, you are the most idiotic person I have ever met...today. Okay, he did say that I could cry, but got on about why. He said that "I don't know" is an excuse. I know that fucking piss ant. I can't quite tell you why I want to cry other than I have a storehouse of pain. Is that enough you D student with an attitude? He's not of course ever going to read this so I don't know why I even wrote it.
I told him what a jerk he was about telling me to create a "life plan." Oh my God does he actually believe this himself? I wonder what his plan looks like. Here's an example: 1. Talk to idiots on the phone and tell them to create a life plan and they might believe it.
This bonehead started up again about it. How can you live your life without a plan? Okay, I've lived for almost 50 years and no plan. Not that it's gotten me anywhere. Okay, I can stop now, I'm beginning to look stupider than usual.
I'm not a rage monster
This part of myself scares me. I could do really bad things. I remember so many times waking up to this horror. I remember I went to court with this personality once and was almost arrested for talking to the judge like he was an idiot. The public defender stepped in before I could do too much damage. Thank God.
Yes, if it weren't for God, this personality would have ruined my life. And it's not the reporter who has an agenda of truth and justice, the only thing this one wants is pain for us all. There are and were holes all over the house. I or it or whatever kicked them, punched them, and tore the house down.
What do I do with this thing? It's a real problem for me. I remember the pain of hitting my hands up against the walls, my head, my feet, until I bled.
No more, I have to face this thing down before it gets loose. I guess if I need to cry I need to cry. It's better than this. And even if I don't really know why I'm crying the personality that cries for help is better than the one that runs off everything good in my life.
I think I'll call this one: Destruction or maybe Seek and Destroy. It's a painful wound that wants attention and nobody knows how much pain this thing is carrying around. It's intense. I'm already willing to go back to sleep and try to start over. If I cry at least it will be honest.
With this shit said, hope you have a good day. Hope you don't cross my path. (kidding) No, I'm not letting this pit bull out of the yard, I have the gates closed. At least now I can identify the characters in my head.
Great...hope all is good in the world...Laura Hart
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Ouch it hurts...
Dream the impossible dream
I suppose I will begin the latest post with, "why in the hell am I trying to fix me when I can't be fixed," or at least it seems that way.
For a moment I was happy, then I recognize how demented I am, now I'm completely freaked out.
Went to my therapist
Triggering me these days requires almost nothing except the WILLINGNESS to be triggered which apparently I have. If I don't get these feelings out there is almost no hope I will be integrated and enjoy a good life. The feelings surface whether or not I want them to. So, let them.
It's ugly and I'm confused, tired, (oh right HALT you dumb ass bi-polar before you attack something other than yourself) and don't know what to do with it all. I woke up again, dammit, and again I remember...they would not leave me alone.
Year after year, day after day, I kept up the ruse that we were all right. I turned 35 and that was the finale except it was not: I was damaged. And it was not something a band aid and juice would fix. Rather it's substantial and I'm finally doing my part because the results have scared me too!
This is me or not me, umm, who am I?
I feebly figured out I'm not my anger, but I'm also not the baby, or the others either. (This is getting spooky and weird) Maybe there is some division among me or I'm simply a damaged product you send off to be sold for a 1/3 of the price.
If I could tell you I would, but it appears I'm clean of all drugs and alcohol, but not clean of mind. My mind spins thinking of why all of this is happening. When I awake from sleep there is pain and memories to be stuffed back down...or they would be if I didn't bring them to surface for rethinking.
Stop, think and do something different constitutes a whole day for me. I am upset about what happened with me, the local ER, and possibly other parts I don't clearly remember. Maybe I'm wrong, but should I have been in jail or somewhere that would help me deal with my regular death ritual?
That's in the past
I do want to make the past the past, but how can I if I can't remember it? Or if I remember and it's painful? Starting today I will hope that I can make it through these events one after another until the issues become clear.
Writing will likely help but when the bi-polar reporter steps up to the plate we ALL need to run. I have only so much control over my character so I want her on a flat, one dimensional page, so she won't hurt any of us. She has a blood lust for truth and fairness.
Those are nice things I agree, but they are also completely unreasonable and no human being will EVER live up to it. Please God, tell me now that I was not ripped off last week as they will know her wrath. She will make them better by being the catalyst or bringer of rain upon their lousy business practices. I hope they are ready, I'm not.
I may have some control, but I fear there will be cussing and disturbance before it's over. I want peace and that is also unreasonable. If only I could put me back together like Humpty Dumpty, I cracked a very long time ago.
Each day is a choice
Here and now is what I face, and I will rise to the occasion. But who am I in all this? It's scary to note that there are things that I cannot change and no wisdom to go with it. Maybe I'll just pray for a break and hope that it will come. That is all the power I seem to have over this split in myself.
The reporter is another one of us, the worst, not the worst, that's the depression. Both are equally disabling and then there's me...who am I?
Some of you may find this sudden schism scary...so do I.
Another night and I wonder if I can even go out. There is an AA meeting I would like to attend, but is it too much for one day? Probably...............
Talk later...Laura Hart (or whomever I am)
I suppose I will begin the latest post with, "why in the hell am I trying to fix me when I can't be fixed," or at least it seems that way.
For a moment I was happy, then I recognize how demented I am, now I'm completely freaked out.
Went to my therapist
Triggering me these days requires almost nothing except the WILLINGNESS to be triggered which apparently I have. If I don't get these feelings out there is almost no hope I will be integrated and enjoy a good life. The feelings surface whether or not I want them to. So, let them.
It's ugly and I'm confused, tired, (oh right HALT you dumb ass bi-polar before you attack something other than yourself) and don't know what to do with it all. I woke up again, dammit, and again I remember...they would not leave me alone.
Year after year, day after day, I kept up the ruse that we were all right. I turned 35 and that was the finale except it was not: I was damaged. And it was not something a band aid and juice would fix. Rather it's substantial and I'm finally doing my part because the results have scared me too!
This is me or not me, umm, who am I?
I feebly figured out I'm not my anger, but I'm also not the baby, or the others either. (This is getting spooky and weird) Maybe there is some division among me or I'm simply a damaged product you send off to be sold for a 1/3 of the price.
If I could tell you I would, but it appears I'm clean of all drugs and alcohol, but not clean of mind. My mind spins thinking of why all of this is happening. When I awake from sleep there is pain and memories to be stuffed back down...or they would be if I didn't bring them to surface for rethinking.
Stop, think and do something different constitutes a whole day for me. I am upset about what happened with me, the local ER, and possibly other parts I don't clearly remember. Maybe I'm wrong, but should I have been in jail or somewhere that would help me deal with my regular death ritual?
That's in the past
I do want to make the past the past, but how can I if I can't remember it? Or if I remember and it's painful? Starting today I will hope that I can make it through these events one after another until the issues become clear.
Writing will likely help but when the bi-polar reporter steps up to the plate we ALL need to run. I have only so much control over my character so I want her on a flat, one dimensional page, so she won't hurt any of us. She has a blood lust for truth and fairness.
Those are nice things I agree, but they are also completely unreasonable and no human being will EVER live up to it. Please God, tell me now that I was not ripped off last week as they will know her wrath. She will make them better by being the catalyst or bringer of rain upon their lousy business practices. I hope they are ready, I'm not.
I may have some control, but I fear there will be cussing and disturbance before it's over. I want peace and that is also unreasonable. If only I could put me back together like Humpty Dumpty, I cracked a very long time ago.
Each day is a choice
Here and now is what I face, and I will rise to the occasion. But who am I in all this? It's scary to note that there are things that I cannot change and no wisdom to go with it. Maybe I'll just pray for a break and hope that it will come. That is all the power I seem to have over this split in myself.
The reporter is another one of us, the worst, not the worst, that's the depression. Both are equally disabling and then there's me...who am I?
Some of you may find this sudden schism scary...so do I.
Another night and I wonder if I can even go out. There is an AA meeting I would like to attend, but is it too much for one day? Probably...............
Talk later...Laura Hart (or whomever I am)
I remember and you had better too!
Dead again: How many times is this now?
It's not as if I haven't been dead before, but I had the dream last night, after two weeks home...And I know that others know this too: I died and came right back...again.
Now, if you don't remember then hear me out.
I had taken morphine and drank some beer and likely added other drugs too. But according to the ER report, I was a handful of venom, thrashing and attacking. But also, clearly, a suicide as I directly asked to be shot by police, LOL. Remember I spoke about the fact that I had been hit with Narcan early in the year without any warning and I was scared....
Many of you don't think I'm scared or get scared, but just am a hard ass who has some serious "psych" problems. Well, I do get scared as I apparently ran to a church across from the hospital ER and sat crying while freaking out the Pastor and church members. This information came from my friend who came to pick me up.
I didn't get picked up, but I was sent down the mountain with a Sheriff watching me: to jail. If you read the guest post from my friend who gave me the head's up about what lead to this recent attempt, she makes a point of why was I sent to jail. And why there were no medical records sent with me. ???
They didn't have all the information, only their own prejudice
I've said it before, I say it again, the medical field is full of prejudice and they don't like complicated people. They did a drug screen, which I have not seen, so I cannot comment, but there must have been some really good stuff swarming through my veins that day.
I remember taking most of it. Black outs come with heavy drugs and alcohol, so it's no surprise I don't remember it "word for word" or maybe "drug by drug."
Death has it's own feeling: and I felt it. I have experience trying to be dead along with being dead on the tub four years prior. It's not the big deal we all make it to be, my assessment is that it would be boring, and that is why I keep coming back for MORE.
I kicked and kicked and they all fell down
I put on a show as I must have been a mess from hell, pissing, shitting, throwing up, but getting off ALL that doctor dope. Being the crazy bi-polar, it had to be all at one time. How very dramatic of me.
But give me a break guys, I was scared of you. You had previously breached my trust by hurting me with the Narcan. If people don't know, Narcan is given in situations where a patient is about to die from an opiate overdose. I was not dying that day, I simply had palpitations and wanted to confirm my heart was okay.
Instead, I got a blast of this opiate antagonizer and I screamed like a baby! I was chock full of opiates at the time and all I could do was scream. Well, the scream was more like the word "FUCK" going on for an hour, I don't know. The nurse who gave this swell drug to me never alerted me and I was sent on a long trip from hell.
It was my wake up call though
You can never say that things don't happen for a reason. It was terrible in the sense that I was hurt to a degree that even my family would not talk to me. I could not clearly understand why when I was wide awake I was given this drug. And we know from both these experiences, that KVHD does not want to take their own responsibility.
Don't do this to another person or I will be angry
I'm a different type of person as you all have figured out. I have fight and grit. There are others who are simply suicidal and they would cave under the pressure. I ask KVHD staff right now to rethink what they did to me, realize the prejudice, and make sure it doesn't happen to someone else, less willing to come back from the dead.
I'm here and alive!!!
The best part of this story is how it ends, or begins, as it's a new day. I'll be working on the story of the Kern River Valley, it's healthcare, it's politics, called "The Valley of Fear." A sneak preview of the book is on this site under the label: the bi-polar reporter. Read it and know that you who were a part of any of these exciting adventures will be contained in the pages.
I've got things to do, dogs to walk, a cat to harass, and a bird to wake up. But you too have something to learn even from a "crazy person" which is what the paramedics and police initially thought.
Now they think, the bitch has a few brain cells left, and she did kick all her drugs...hmm, maybe this is something to think about.
You bet!
Don't do what I do which is either dismiss me or take it too seriously, but we all played our role in this adventure. And here's the rub: I like you and I also like me. So, I won't take sides. LOL
Have a great day and thanks again for letting me die so that I may LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH and spit on you (oh my there's the vinegar, use it on your salad...fuck you!). I'm going to make things better and in some cases worse, but it's an adventure I never want to miss!
Take care and prosper...be back later with more...Laura Hart
It's not as if I haven't been dead before, but I had the dream last night, after two weeks home...And I know that others know this too: I died and came right back...again.
Now, if you don't remember then hear me out.
I had taken morphine and drank some beer and likely added other drugs too. But according to the ER report, I was a handful of venom, thrashing and attacking. But also, clearly, a suicide as I directly asked to be shot by police, LOL. Remember I spoke about the fact that I had been hit with Narcan early in the year without any warning and I was scared....
Many of you don't think I'm scared or get scared, but just am a hard ass who has some serious "psych" problems. Well, I do get scared as I apparently ran to a church across from the hospital ER and sat crying while freaking out the Pastor and church members. This information came from my friend who came to pick me up.
I didn't get picked up, but I was sent down the mountain with a Sheriff watching me: to jail. If you read the guest post from my friend who gave me the head's up about what lead to this recent attempt, she makes a point of why was I sent to jail. And why there were no medical records sent with me. ???
They didn't have all the information, only their own prejudice
I've said it before, I say it again, the medical field is full of prejudice and they don't like complicated people. They did a drug screen, which I have not seen, so I cannot comment, but there must have been some really good stuff swarming through my veins that day.
I remember taking most of it. Black outs come with heavy drugs and alcohol, so it's no surprise I don't remember it "word for word" or maybe "drug by drug."
Death has it's own feeling: and I felt it. I have experience trying to be dead along with being dead on the tub four years prior. It's not the big deal we all make it to be, my assessment is that it would be boring, and that is why I keep coming back for MORE.
I kicked and kicked and they all fell down
I put on a show as I must have been a mess from hell, pissing, shitting, throwing up, but getting off ALL that doctor dope. Being the crazy bi-polar, it had to be all at one time. How very dramatic of me.
But give me a break guys, I was scared of you. You had previously breached my trust by hurting me with the Narcan. If people don't know, Narcan is given in situations where a patient is about to die from an opiate overdose. I was not dying that day, I simply had palpitations and wanted to confirm my heart was okay.
Instead, I got a blast of this opiate antagonizer and I screamed like a baby! I was chock full of opiates at the time and all I could do was scream. Well, the scream was more like the word "FUCK" going on for an hour, I don't know. The nurse who gave this swell drug to me never alerted me and I was sent on a long trip from hell.
It was my wake up call though
You can never say that things don't happen for a reason. It was terrible in the sense that I was hurt to a degree that even my family would not talk to me. I could not clearly understand why when I was wide awake I was given this drug. And we know from both these experiences, that KVHD does not want to take their own responsibility.
Don't do this to another person or I will be angry
I'm a different type of person as you all have figured out. I have fight and grit. There are others who are simply suicidal and they would cave under the pressure. I ask KVHD staff right now to rethink what they did to me, realize the prejudice, and make sure it doesn't happen to someone else, less willing to come back from the dead.
I'm here and alive!!!
The best part of this story is how it ends, or begins, as it's a new day. I'll be working on the story of the Kern River Valley, it's healthcare, it's politics, called "The Valley of Fear." A sneak preview of the book is on this site under the label: the bi-polar reporter. Read it and know that you who were a part of any of these exciting adventures will be contained in the pages.
I've got things to do, dogs to walk, a cat to harass, and a bird to wake up. But you too have something to learn even from a "crazy person" which is what the paramedics and police initially thought.
Now they think, the bitch has a few brain cells left, and she did kick all her drugs...hmm, maybe this is something to think about.
You bet!
Don't do what I do which is either dismiss me or take it too seriously, but we all played our role in this adventure. And here's the rub: I like you and I also like me. So, I won't take sides. LOL
Have a great day and thanks again for letting me die so that I may LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH and spit on you (oh my there's the vinegar, use it on your salad...fuck you!). I'm going to make things better and in some cases worse, but it's an adventure I never want to miss!
Take care and prosper...be back later with more...Laura Hart
Monday, December 12, 2011
What a day...oh gosh it's only 10:30 am
I've got a full plate
This has been one hell of a morning with the excitement of a scary movie and the hope of a new day. I have some serious issues and that is now apparent to me. What in the hell happened? Honestly if I never know it would fine, except to say that I do know, and it's not fine. Things are different now and I plan on things being very much changed.
I'm not angry but I woke up crying like a baby. The next step: Depression. I will not indulge that either as I really only have today. I could use drugs but then as they say in NA one would be too much and a thousand not enough.
I'll continue to go with the plan that if I work each day, clean of drugs that keep me from my own pain, (I guess we all have our own pain) then I will eventually work through it all. I can't again stop the past from entering my mind. I can enjoy the day.
And I've learned that planning is not all it's cracked up to be. I try to plan but then there are things that just come up.
One more thing I have said all morning long which I corrected a friend about: "I don't know." I will find out what is below the surface of this excuse which keeps me from moving forward. Again for some unknown reason I like the truth.
Damn it hurts though. I'll be fine. Let's all be fine and good to each other today. (Yeah right, nice thought though)
But one thing I can do is to quit hurting myself. It's a cycle and I need to break it. I know I fucked up nobody needs to tell me as I put myself up on the cross already. Now I need to remove the nails from my hands and proceed to the kitchen...because I like food! (And candy too...fuck you)
Well this is the site I can cuss on, so sorry for the fuck you, but again, fuck you just because I can say it and feels good. Now don't take it personally as I'm talking to myself only and I don't mean it.
My real message is this: I'm going to make it and have a good day. My dog, bird and cat are awesome, I love them all. And in turn I will learn to like myself. I never have taken to compliments from other people, so don't be surprised when I pretend not to hear it. I maybe just okay, which is better than hurting myself.
I WANT TO LIVE but LIVE WELL. I've done nothing but hurt me over and over. I think I may owe myself an apology...I'm sorry. That is weird, but then I never said I wasn't weird.
Please have a good day. I think we may just be worth it. I think...LOL
This has been one hell of a morning with the excitement of a scary movie and the hope of a new day. I have some serious issues and that is now apparent to me. What in the hell happened? Honestly if I never know it would fine, except to say that I do know, and it's not fine. Things are different now and I plan on things being very much changed.
I'm not angry but I woke up crying like a baby. The next step: Depression. I will not indulge that either as I really only have today. I could use drugs but then as they say in NA one would be too much and a thousand not enough.
I'll continue to go with the plan that if I work each day, clean of drugs that keep me from my own pain, (I guess we all have our own pain) then I will eventually work through it all. I can't again stop the past from entering my mind. I can enjoy the day.
And I've learned that planning is not all it's cracked up to be. I try to plan but then there are things that just come up.
One more thing I have said all morning long which I corrected a friend about: "I don't know." I will find out what is below the surface of this excuse which keeps me from moving forward. Again for some unknown reason I like the truth.
Damn it hurts though. I'll be fine. Let's all be fine and good to each other today. (Yeah right, nice thought though)
But one thing I can do is to quit hurting myself. It's a cycle and I need to break it. I know I fucked up nobody needs to tell me as I put myself up on the cross already. Now I need to remove the nails from my hands and proceed to the kitchen...because I like food! (And candy too...fuck you)
Well this is the site I can cuss on, so sorry for the fuck you, but again, fuck you just because I can say it and feels good. Now don't take it personally as I'm talking to myself only and I don't mean it.
My real message is this: I'm going to make it and have a good day. My dog, bird and cat are awesome, I love them all. And in turn I will learn to like myself. I never have taken to compliments from other people, so don't be surprised when I pretend not to hear it. I maybe just okay, which is better than hurting myself.
I WANT TO LIVE but LIVE WELL. I've done nothing but hurt me over and over. I think I may owe myself an apology...I'm sorry. That is weird, but then I never said I wasn't weird.
Please have a good day. I think we may just be worth it. I think...LOL
The past needs to be the past
What a morning, full of memories I really would rather leave behind. I've been crying but that isn't pleasant either. I fucked up a whole lifetime I realize and now I have today.
It's such a little word, today, but it's so powerful I can even feel it. And I have attempted to not feel anything. So, with that said, I would like to leave the past behind and create my future...today.
They were not good and then I was not either
I was discussing the sad fact that I did not have children, had abortions instead, because I was afraid I would be abusive. I did not get this way without being abused myself so I was probably right. Considering how abusive I have been with other people, allowing my anger to run amok, I can imagine it would have been the same for my potential children.
You have no idea how sorry I am for all of it. If there was some magical way to make a clean start I would require that the world do it, but I know there isn't. I can only start now.
I can blame them all, but mostly I blame myself. What good has it done? Nothing apparently. After almost 50 years of life I still tried to kill myself. One attempt after another, year after year, hating me more and more. I felt like a failure who couldn't even kill herself properly.
But what if I'm not as bad as I think I am? That would require that I have faith and live. What a tall order. It's been a fucked up life, with me allowing the anger to run everything, and when that doesn't work, falling into deep, dark depression. Then wrapping it up with a dramatic attempt to kill or severely wound myself.
They were abusers and I was a victim, which I HATE to admit. But then I became an abuser as it seemed a better situation. Good God, it is terrible to even conceive of such a stupid notion. I had to be a child when I thought that one through. I'm not a child anymore, but I do have a child like personality. And it's hurt, bad. And the anger wants it's day.
But they're dead and I am slightly dead from it all. I can't take revenge and never could. Why in the world would it be okay to hurt a child like they hurt me, I don't know. Maybe they didn't know. Whatever the reason I can't begin to unravel what happened and still am so embarrassed about all of it.
One minute of sleep and it all came pouring out last night. No wonder I don't want to sleep. I woke up with a choice to be angry, cry, or move on with today. I CHOOSE TO MOVE ON and LIVE. It's the hardest choice, the unfamiliar one, the one that I haven't up to this point actually chosen. But I do. I want the truth and this is it.
If I could take back the last 50 years would I? YES! Fuck YES! But now I have to wrap it up in a day. Wow, that's something. They who did this will face their own shit and I cannot do anything to make that happen or make it worse for them, which is the anger again.
I was physically and sexually breached, repeatedly, and now I am not...so why do I persist in repeating it all? That is a question for myself. But again now I have a choice, when I was child I did not. My childhood is over, THANK GOD.
But my life is here and I have to greet it and like myself. I can't say I like myself yet, but maybe for today, I can at least accept myself. I'm a fucking flawed human, and I want to live life in joy and spontaneity. I hope that we all have a good day and do the best we can with it.
I'm again so sorry for all that has come from this, but I have to, for me to survive, put this behind me. And for me to move on, I need to pay attention to the moment. God grant me the wisdom to do all this. And you too!
Take care and have a great day...Laura
It's such a little word, today, but it's so powerful I can even feel it. And I have attempted to not feel anything. So, with that said, I would like to leave the past behind and create my future...today.
They were not good and then I was not either
I was discussing the sad fact that I did not have children, had abortions instead, because I was afraid I would be abusive. I did not get this way without being abused myself so I was probably right. Considering how abusive I have been with other people, allowing my anger to run amok, I can imagine it would have been the same for my potential children.
You have no idea how sorry I am for all of it. If there was some magical way to make a clean start I would require that the world do it, but I know there isn't. I can only start now.
I can blame them all, but mostly I blame myself. What good has it done? Nothing apparently. After almost 50 years of life I still tried to kill myself. One attempt after another, year after year, hating me more and more. I felt like a failure who couldn't even kill herself properly.
But what if I'm not as bad as I think I am? That would require that I have faith and live. What a tall order. It's been a fucked up life, with me allowing the anger to run everything, and when that doesn't work, falling into deep, dark depression. Then wrapping it up with a dramatic attempt to kill or severely wound myself.
They were abusers and I was a victim, which I HATE to admit. But then I became an abuser as it seemed a better situation. Good God, it is terrible to even conceive of such a stupid notion. I had to be a child when I thought that one through. I'm not a child anymore, but I do have a child like personality. And it's hurt, bad. And the anger wants it's day.
But they're dead and I am slightly dead from it all. I can't take revenge and never could. Why in the world would it be okay to hurt a child like they hurt me, I don't know. Maybe they didn't know. Whatever the reason I can't begin to unravel what happened and still am so embarrassed about all of it.
One minute of sleep and it all came pouring out last night. No wonder I don't want to sleep. I woke up with a choice to be angry, cry, or move on with today. I CHOOSE TO MOVE ON and LIVE. It's the hardest choice, the unfamiliar one, the one that I haven't up to this point actually chosen. But I do. I want the truth and this is it.
If I could take back the last 50 years would I? YES! Fuck YES! But now I have to wrap it up in a day. Wow, that's something. They who did this will face their own shit and I cannot do anything to make that happen or make it worse for them, which is the anger again.
I was physically and sexually breached, repeatedly, and now I am not...so why do I persist in repeating it all? That is a question for myself. But again now I have a choice, when I was child I did not. My childhood is over, THANK GOD.
But my life is here and I have to greet it and like myself. I can't say I like myself yet, but maybe for today, I can at least accept myself. I'm a fucking flawed human, and I want to live life in joy and spontaneity. I hope that we all have a good day and do the best we can with it.
I'm again so sorry for all that has come from this, but I have to, for me to survive, put this behind me. And for me to move on, I need to pay attention to the moment. God grant me the wisdom to do all this. And you too!
Take care and have a great day...Laura
Sunday, December 11, 2011
What a beautiful morning...please open the door
The news didn't surprise me
First thing this morning I was told that my "former" arch nemesis the Kern Valley Health care District is on the brink of facing severe cuts from the state. There is little to do to push this crisis center over the edge and this would likely be the death blow.
Not that I want it to close, but I want to point out it's NOT my problem. I have done and alerted everything and everybody, but it was ignored. Five years of this and now I'm really not the driven to help. Now if someone asks for my help, I'll likely be there, but nobody has and I'm free to do what I want.
I had stopped the insanity and wrote a goodbye post, but I did have to tell people who are now waking up to what they could be losing, such as their jobs and homes even, what to do about it. Take action you who have to live without a hospital. I can't and frankly won't do it for you. I have too much to live for and time to enjoy my friends who are left with me after all the drama, and my devoted animals who have seen the worst.
We walked into the sun
It was blinding as we headed up the trail this morning, my silly dog pulling and spinning on his leash. I was with two veteran walkers of the neighborhood and they had two dogs who were the focus of my Boxer, Walter.
Now let me say that Walter has an excuse: an absentee mother. I used to hike and climb but I forgot who I was. I had become a smoker and I had forgotten how wonderful it is to be out and about. It was great to see the sun in my face, though it hurt my sleepless eyes, I will want to do this again.
I have to build muscle that I let go over the years and that will take time. But I still can enjoy the morning with a brisk walk with my untrained dog who will eventually get the message. He's an awesome dog, you should see him walk or trot like a horse. He's beautiful and I am taking advantage of my time to do things I sure as shit could've done before.
Clean and mean
All right I'm kidding, but I'm still squeaky clean and feeling the pain of daily living. I'm more honest about this now as I had hidden my drug addiction from everyone including myself. Now I desire truth and honesty with myself and the willingness to accept myself.
I really thought last night before my NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting that I was the worst person on the planet. I'm not.
The second worse. Not really. I just have to come to terms with all the "hurt" not so much anger, but what is fueling the anger. I've been a real baby when it has to do with telling others how I really feel. Lately though I cannot stop telling the truth. I guess I would rather have something in the middle but I accept myself today.
If I have hurt anyone by telling them what I think I'll apologize and try to do better. I get the feeling that others are not so committed to the truth and I have to have more compassion rather than judging them. I cannot live without knowing who I really am. However, other people want to sleep walk thru life. I did it with pain killers for two years.
I had been in a state of "love" which is not my natural state. I was hurt in that relationship and I hurt back. It sucks because I am not going to say I don't still have feelings, but I'm going to say that I have more feelings for myself now. When I try to make things right I only try: now I WILL make things right.
I can't change a whole society who would allow the killing of people in a local skilled nursing facility and then BLAME THE MESSENGER. I was the messenger and blamed for many things I had nothing to do with. All that energy expended could well have served me, but I can't change the past I simply need to accept it. I fucked up...Gosh I do it all the time. Should I be punished again and again? Well, that's up to me as I'm my worst critic. I hate me. Or I should say I "hated" me up until this morning.
What is there to like?
Well, other than being a mongrel, I'm kind, funny, funny looking, a serious asshole sometimes, but basically okay and part of the human race. Others often compete with me, which I don't understand exactly. They think I'm SMART. Yes, a smart ass, but smart would not be me. I'm intuitive but less to take every book at it's word. Those books have only made me separate from the rest and I need to be a part instead of standing alone.
It's been a long life of making stands where I'm the only one there. As I've pointed out about KVHD, the people I worked with to gain understanding of the problems didn't acknowledge me. My own relationship turned out to make me invisible as well.
No go anymore. If you know me, then fucking say you know me or piss off. Nothing angry or personal, I'm simply tired of it and would rather walk my dog then talk to people who will deny me. Yes, I'm a bit crazy too. So what, do you think there is one single person on this entire planet, or even off this planet, who is a perfect specimen?
In fact, we all need to crash and burn so we can see the light...I love the light.
Even as my door knob became problematic this morning straight after the religious experience which was my walk, I could not help appreciate how funny and awesome everything is: I am so grateful for this time! Thank you Scooter (God) for all of this...
Take care and have a great day doing whatever it is you love to do. Life is short: get some balls people. Be a true bi-polar American!
First thing this morning I was told that my "former" arch nemesis the Kern Valley Health care District is on the brink of facing severe cuts from the state. There is little to do to push this crisis center over the edge and this would likely be the death blow.
Not that I want it to close, but I want to point out it's NOT my problem. I have done and alerted everything and everybody, but it was ignored. Five years of this and now I'm really not the driven to help. Now if someone asks for my help, I'll likely be there, but nobody has and I'm free to do what I want.
I had stopped the insanity and wrote a goodbye post, but I did have to tell people who are now waking up to what they could be losing, such as their jobs and homes even, what to do about it. Take action you who have to live without a hospital. I can't and frankly won't do it for you. I have too much to live for and time to enjoy my friends who are left with me after all the drama, and my devoted animals who have seen the worst.
We walked into the sun
It was blinding as we headed up the trail this morning, my silly dog pulling and spinning on his leash. I was with two veteran walkers of the neighborhood and they had two dogs who were the focus of my Boxer, Walter.
Now let me say that Walter has an excuse: an absentee mother. I used to hike and climb but I forgot who I was. I had become a smoker and I had forgotten how wonderful it is to be out and about. It was great to see the sun in my face, though it hurt my sleepless eyes, I will want to do this again.
I have to build muscle that I let go over the years and that will take time. But I still can enjoy the morning with a brisk walk with my untrained dog who will eventually get the message. He's an awesome dog, you should see him walk or trot like a horse. He's beautiful and I am taking advantage of my time to do things I sure as shit could've done before.
Clean and mean
All right I'm kidding, but I'm still squeaky clean and feeling the pain of daily living. I'm more honest about this now as I had hidden my drug addiction from everyone including myself. Now I desire truth and honesty with myself and the willingness to accept myself.
I really thought last night before my NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting that I was the worst person on the planet. I'm not.
The second worse. Not really. I just have to come to terms with all the "hurt" not so much anger, but what is fueling the anger. I've been a real baby when it has to do with telling others how I really feel. Lately though I cannot stop telling the truth. I guess I would rather have something in the middle but I accept myself today.
If I have hurt anyone by telling them what I think I'll apologize and try to do better. I get the feeling that others are not so committed to the truth and I have to have more compassion rather than judging them. I cannot live without knowing who I really am. However, other people want to sleep walk thru life. I did it with pain killers for two years.
I had been in a state of "love" which is not my natural state. I was hurt in that relationship and I hurt back. It sucks because I am not going to say I don't still have feelings, but I'm going to say that I have more feelings for myself now. When I try to make things right I only try: now I WILL make things right.
I can't change a whole society who would allow the killing of people in a local skilled nursing facility and then BLAME THE MESSENGER. I was the messenger and blamed for many things I had nothing to do with. All that energy expended could well have served me, but I can't change the past I simply need to accept it. I fucked up...Gosh I do it all the time. Should I be punished again and again? Well, that's up to me as I'm my worst critic. I hate me. Or I should say I "hated" me up until this morning.
What is there to like?
Well, other than being a mongrel, I'm kind, funny, funny looking, a serious asshole sometimes, but basically okay and part of the human race. Others often compete with me, which I don't understand exactly. They think I'm SMART. Yes, a smart ass, but smart would not be me. I'm intuitive but less to take every book at it's word. Those books have only made me separate from the rest and I need to be a part instead of standing alone.
It's been a long life of making stands where I'm the only one there. As I've pointed out about KVHD, the people I worked with to gain understanding of the problems didn't acknowledge me. My own relationship turned out to make me invisible as well.
No go anymore. If you know me, then fucking say you know me or piss off. Nothing angry or personal, I'm simply tired of it and would rather walk my dog then talk to people who will deny me. Yes, I'm a bit crazy too. So what, do you think there is one single person on this entire planet, or even off this planet, who is a perfect specimen?
In fact, we all need to crash and burn so we can see the light...I love the light.
Even as my door knob became problematic this morning straight after the religious experience which was my walk, I could not help appreciate how funny and awesome everything is: I am so grateful for this time! Thank you Scooter (God) for all of this...
Take care and have a great day doing whatever it is you love to do. Life is short: get some balls people. Be a true bi-polar American!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Just for Today!
I'm happy to report some sleep
I have awoken from another night, but this time with some sleep under my belt. I'm more relaxed and more understanding of what I want to be from now on.
Less angry for one, and more appreciative of each "day" I'm given to recover from not only drugs, but also the thoughts of being dead. Yes, I tried not just recently, but for my whole life to kill myself. I had taken an overdose, tried to hang myself, and in the end, I really don't want it to end.
It's kind of funny really to find that I am ready now to take the helm and live. I am confused to some degree as to how I do this, but somehow I think it will come to me. I have more faith this morning, and more understanding of how I have been the one to make a mockery of living.
Anger again is hurt and I have been hurt, but sadly I turned into a person who hurts others. Wow! I do not care to hear it, but I am totally aware of it now. It's not who I wanted to be, then again, I kept trying to kill me. I needed a reason such as "I'm terrible" and worth killing.
Truth be told, I'm really all right and not a candidate for killing. I'm just a child who didn't get much light and a lot of abuse to go with it. I must have confused this abuse with my own self worth and now what a tangle it is. But each day I wake up I'm going to be more and more confident that it is OK to be me. Whether I'm a lump one day and an action packed adventure the next, I will still be my own BEST FRIEND. I have to be as I am the only one who can put this into motion.
I can't wait to see what a day brings as I used to think, "oh no, what will the day do," and then expect it will never get better. I CAN and WILL make it better.
Things I would like to do today: Laugh, smile, and take a long hot shower. Oooh, just the shower itself makes me want to live. LOL
More to follow: The end of KVHD under Fire, Thank God
I have awoken from another night, but this time with some sleep under my belt. I'm more relaxed and more understanding of what I want to be from now on.
Less angry for one, and more appreciative of each "day" I'm given to recover from not only drugs, but also the thoughts of being dead. Yes, I tried not just recently, but for my whole life to kill myself. I had taken an overdose, tried to hang myself, and in the end, I really don't want it to end.
It's kind of funny really to find that I am ready now to take the helm and live. I am confused to some degree as to how I do this, but somehow I think it will come to me. I have more faith this morning, and more understanding of how I have been the one to make a mockery of living.
Anger again is hurt and I have been hurt, but sadly I turned into a person who hurts others. Wow! I do not care to hear it, but I am totally aware of it now. It's not who I wanted to be, then again, I kept trying to kill me. I needed a reason such as "I'm terrible" and worth killing.
Truth be told, I'm really all right and not a candidate for killing. I'm just a child who didn't get much light and a lot of abuse to go with it. I must have confused this abuse with my own self worth and now what a tangle it is. But each day I wake up I'm going to be more and more confident that it is OK to be me. Whether I'm a lump one day and an action packed adventure the next, I will still be my own BEST FRIEND. I have to be as I am the only one who can put this into motion.
I can't wait to see what a day brings as I used to think, "oh no, what will the day do," and then expect it will never get better. I CAN and WILL make it better.
Things I would like to do today: Laugh, smile, and take a long hot shower. Oooh, just the shower itself makes me want to live. LOL
More to follow: The end of KVHD under Fire, Thank God
Friday, December 9, 2011
HALT: Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired
Beware of bi-polars in this condition
I was just explaining to my sister that I had a morning trying to get food and I ended up having to deal with my anger all of a sudden. She simply said "halt" and I said "what," and it turns out to be something to learn...once again.
The acronym basically says it all, stop before you explode and make sure to be fed. Yum, I love food right now in a way that's undeniable, but not having it made me angry.
You won't like me when I'm mad
People in general don't like to hear about how much they suck, and that is what I can do, make people feel bad. I don't like it, and don't purposefully go about doing this, but I have the responsibility when I go off so I must prepare myself.
Now HALT is what I could have done and then regrouped, but I had to learn again about anger issues which suddenly took me back in time. We have a local clinic which I have railed against for years, and the focus of attention in one of my books: what a shit hole.
Okay, I had not been there for years, but I was attending an NA meeting today. Sadly, I was in rough shape, and cried thru the 5 minute long meeting lead by former TWEEKERS. I never liked the drug nor did I choose to do that one. Oh yeah, I did all others including heroin, but somehow this was below me.
Good God.
They were trying to get their kids back and had an early bus, so I was especially enraged just for the occasion. After they left, I headed for the car and hit the steering wheel while contemplating screeching my tires down the whole street leaving track marks so black nobody would ever not feed a bi-polar again.
I walked into the receptionist with my "Sprite" bottle held high, as it was not allowed, and told her what a dump she worked at. Yes, I did.
Then I went back to the car, cried, took a time out, and reentered the building without a soda, and spoke to a nurse. She was nice and easy to speak with. I had my hand over my mouth as the only thing coming out was a stream of cuss words and a lot of judgment.
She told me that I do indeed need to sleep and was nice enough to NOT recommend their lack of services. I am not impressed with them, but I can't not like individuals who are compassionate and take in an angry bi-polar they don't even know. How brave.
In this small conversation she said things which have stuck with me all the way home, like the fact that anger is usually about being hurt. I told her something I had not told anyone in my life and like a priest she received the information without a bunch of crap. She didn't judge me as I was judging her and the rest of the world at that point.
My sister and her wisdom
I called on my sister early on this evening as I am making GOOD FOOD for me and it smells awesome, and she told me to HALT and now we know what that means.
God help us all that a bi-polar is reduced to ashes with only missing food, or at least good food, and then to be able to stop the behavior is the best part of the story. I'm not angry anymore, but I am interested in why it got so out of hand.
When I do have these conditions listed in the title, I need to be aware and stop the behavior. Okay, it was close and a few people had been called "fuckheads" and "assholes" but less than usual...
I'm living and learning the sober way, meaning I am facing the truth, and it's a bit uncomfortable. But I got my absorbent underwear and my sheet cover and hopefully will be tamer tomorrow after some sleep.
Need to eat. Have a good night.
I was just explaining to my sister that I had a morning trying to get food and I ended up having to deal with my anger all of a sudden. She simply said "halt" and I said "what," and it turns out to be something to learn...once again.
The acronym basically says it all, stop before you explode and make sure to be fed. Yum, I love food right now in a way that's undeniable, but not having it made me angry.
You won't like me when I'm mad
People in general don't like to hear about how much they suck, and that is what I can do, make people feel bad. I don't like it, and don't purposefully go about doing this, but I have the responsibility when I go off so I must prepare myself.
Now HALT is what I could have done and then regrouped, but I had to learn again about anger issues which suddenly took me back in time. We have a local clinic which I have railed against for years, and the focus of attention in one of my books: what a shit hole.
Okay, I had not been there for years, but I was attending an NA meeting today. Sadly, I was in rough shape, and cried thru the 5 minute long meeting lead by former TWEEKERS. I never liked the drug nor did I choose to do that one. Oh yeah, I did all others including heroin, but somehow this was below me.
Good God.
They were trying to get their kids back and had an early bus, so I was especially enraged just for the occasion. After they left, I headed for the car and hit the steering wheel while contemplating screeching my tires down the whole street leaving track marks so black nobody would ever not feed a bi-polar again.
I walked into the receptionist with my "Sprite" bottle held high, as it was not allowed, and told her what a dump she worked at. Yes, I did.
Then I went back to the car, cried, took a time out, and reentered the building without a soda, and spoke to a nurse. She was nice and easy to speak with. I had my hand over my mouth as the only thing coming out was a stream of cuss words and a lot of judgment.
She told me that I do indeed need to sleep and was nice enough to NOT recommend their lack of services. I am not impressed with them, but I can't not like individuals who are compassionate and take in an angry bi-polar they don't even know. How brave.
In this small conversation she said things which have stuck with me all the way home, like the fact that anger is usually about being hurt. I told her something I had not told anyone in my life and like a priest she received the information without a bunch of crap. She didn't judge me as I was judging her and the rest of the world at that point.
My sister and her wisdom
I called on my sister early on this evening as I am making GOOD FOOD for me and it smells awesome, and she told me to HALT and now we know what that means.
God help us all that a bi-polar is reduced to ashes with only missing food, or at least good food, and then to be able to stop the behavior is the best part of the story. I'm not angry anymore, but I am interested in why it got so out of hand.
When I do have these conditions listed in the title, I need to be aware and stop the behavior. Okay, it was close and a few people had been called "fuckheads" and "assholes" but less than usual...
I'm living and learning the sober way, meaning I am facing the truth, and it's a bit uncomfortable. But I got my absorbent underwear and my sheet cover and hopefully will be tamer tomorrow after some sleep.
Need to eat. Have a good night.
Potty training the bi-polar and more household tips
Oh, I do know what the sleep problem is...Oh, piss on it.
Considering that I have been staying up all night and writing and fighting like a crazy person, it should be no surprise that I cannot sleep. But what is most surprising is why.
I'm afraid I will lose control and piss or shit the bed. Yeah, it isn't nice or a pretty reason such as simple insomnia, or something cool like narcolepsy, it's a fear of relaxing to a point of losing control.
What control is there left to lose?
First, I have kicked opiates, benzodiazapines, and cigaretters, throw on my concern about marijuana and you have a fucking squeaky clean bi-polar here. But during the process of letting go of these drugs I seemed to have lost control of my digestive system.
I had been sleeping in an opium haze and somehow managed to avoid this pitfall but now I'm faced with the fact I need some "Depends" or a plastic sheet. Oh, yeah, it's humility, being humble before God and others that makes me write this publicly. I would never had admitted this as I was before.
Hell, I would not admit I was an addict either. I had all the excuses and all the right ailments to make sure my drugs were prescribed. This is the most dangerous of all the addictions: Faking an ailment to get drugs. I was initially not faking anything, but them I got hooked.
NA and AA can and will help: if you want help that is
I do want help, in fact, I made two meetings so far, not that I haven't had some problems getting there and finding a way to fit it all into that one day we all have that precious one single day. I like being sober, I must admit, but it's not just that, I like the truth.
I'm peeling the layers as a good friend verified to me last night, but it's also that I want this, a true awakening. Wow, it's been real let me tell you. Sitting with other addicts and continuing to remind myself as much as I want to be "special" I'm just another addict trying to stay clean of drugs and addictive behaviors for another day.
What a tall order that I try to follow, and the bi-polar in me wants it in huge chunks, so it's rather agonizing to go thru this. But I cannot manage to pretend that I didn't almost fall asleep in the car, twice. I am sleep deprived to the point my eyes hurt and the body needs it's rest.
Until, I get that rest I will spin. So, I hope for today: a plastic sheet and some really absorbent underwear. You don't think this is humbling? It sure Fucking is. I'm humbly asking God right now for just that.
I'll be back and sober and hopefully tomorrow, with some sleep in sight. Good night, sweet dreams, may you not pee your own bed...as things get scary down the rabbit hole.
Upcoming: the two trash cans I need for my fucking mess and a new job too...Oh GOD!
Considering that I have been staying up all night and writing and fighting like a crazy person, it should be no surprise that I cannot sleep. But what is most surprising is why.
I'm afraid I will lose control and piss or shit the bed. Yeah, it isn't nice or a pretty reason such as simple insomnia, or something cool like narcolepsy, it's a fear of relaxing to a point of losing control.
What control is there left to lose?
First, I have kicked opiates, benzodiazapines, and cigaretters, throw on my concern about marijuana and you have a fucking squeaky clean bi-polar here. But during the process of letting go of these drugs I seemed to have lost control of my digestive system.
I had been sleeping in an opium haze and somehow managed to avoid this pitfall but now I'm faced with the fact I need some "Depends" or a plastic sheet. Oh, yeah, it's humility, being humble before God and others that makes me write this publicly. I would never had admitted this as I was before.
Hell, I would not admit I was an addict either. I had all the excuses and all the right ailments to make sure my drugs were prescribed. This is the most dangerous of all the addictions: Faking an ailment to get drugs. I was initially not faking anything, but them I got hooked.
NA and AA can and will help: if you want help that is
I do want help, in fact, I made two meetings so far, not that I haven't had some problems getting there and finding a way to fit it all into that one day we all have that precious one single day. I like being sober, I must admit, but it's not just that, I like the truth.
I'm peeling the layers as a good friend verified to me last night, but it's also that I want this, a true awakening. Wow, it's been real let me tell you. Sitting with other addicts and continuing to remind myself as much as I want to be "special" I'm just another addict trying to stay clean of drugs and addictive behaviors for another day.
What a tall order that I try to follow, and the bi-polar in me wants it in huge chunks, so it's rather agonizing to go thru this. But I cannot manage to pretend that I didn't almost fall asleep in the car, twice. I am sleep deprived to the point my eyes hurt and the body needs it's rest.
Until, I get that rest I will spin. So, I hope for today: a plastic sheet and some really absorbent underwear. You don't think this is humbling? It sure Fucking is. I'm humbly asking God right now for just that.
I'll be back and sober and hopefully tomorrow, with some sleep in sight. Good night, sweet dreams, may you not pee your own bed...as things get scary down the rabbit hole.
Upcoming: the two trash cans I need for my fucking mess and a new job too...Oh GOD!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Good morning from Laura Hart
It's a rough morning, but I have the faith that it will also be a rough afternoon...Trying to be funny, but I do want to make things work so I will endure.
I also want to make money and that is on my mind as I have been considering the prospect of going back to work, be it writing my books I so enjoyed, or making it in a job situation.
Yes, it's a good idea to have somewhere to go and making commitments, which really makes me sick to my stomach, but knowing that I have a job would be nice.
I must be trustworthy to do this, so I must make all the progress I can before I just simply dive in. Good thing the people around me are more serious than I have been.
Long nights and longer days have lead to my new perspective on things. I'll make sure that I am in good shape and ready to go for this new adventure. I want to sleep at night, but it appears that I have been holding back the sleep myself.
I can't believe I'm saying it, but I appear to be afraid to sleep. I can catch an hour here and there, but when I do finally get to sleep I hallucinate or something odd like that. Now I can and will find out what is going on, just hang with me, I have to follow thru...the toughest part.
More to follow: the hunt for a job and to write the books and screenplay
I also want to make money and that is on my mind as I have been considering the prospect of going back to work, be it writing my books I so enjoyed, or making it in a job situation.
Yes, it's a good idea to have somewhere to go and making commitments, which really makes me sick to my stomach, but knowing that I have a job would be nice.
I must be trustworthy to do this, so I must make all the progress I can before I just simply dive in. Good thing the people around me are more serious than I have been.
Long nights and longer days have lead to my new perspective on things. I'll make sure that I am in good shape and ready to go for this new adventure. I want to sleep at night, but it appears that I have been holding back the sleep myself.
I can't believe I'm saying it, but I appear to be afraid to sleep. I can catch an hour here and there, but when I do finally get to sleep I hallucinate or something odd like that. Now I can and will find out what is going on, just hang with me, I have to follow thru...the toughest part.
More to follow: the hunt for a job and to write the books and screenplay
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Following the trail: back up the rabbit hole...
hello, I'm Laura and I'm a drug addict, alcoholic, sex addict, food freak, etc if you will...
I have to get used to the "outside" again, as I was incarcerated recently, not for long, as I'm not one to settle in anywhere. But new information about what happened on November 11, 2011, the day my bi-polar became seriously out of control, has come to the surface as I have to retrace my missteps from this past month.
I'm clean of it all, the drugs are gone...but then so was I.
Can you imagine watching someone kick opiates and benzo's all at once?
God it must have been terrible for those around me, and I must apologize, because that is what bi-polar American's do when they fuck up royally.
I want to not only make amends, as I could have escaped this pain by simply reducing medications over the course of some months and then gone on my way, I want to be better because of it.
BUT NO...
Being bi-polar means knowing what you are and what you are not. I'm not sane all the time, and I'm not able to handle the drugs I was taking. It was awful for All of us, not just me.
Oh my it hurt to writhe in agony, but I will never forget, and that is something that may save us all from another bad trip. I'm the one in charge, so whatever goes wrong is my responsibility.
I love the truth
As I've spent the last week at home working on the house of pain, the house of dirt, and disaster, I can see clearly that I was not in a state of mind that was conducive to living a clean and easy life. I like things the hard way.
If it can't be done, then I would do it. I would put all my personal issues aside to take on anything, even a dare. That is nothing new, it's been a whole life of putting my own needs on hold while I whip up a tornado and go out and do damage.
Now, I'm more interested in doing things that I know have at the least a seed of truth. I love the truth, and I'm irritated by people who bullshit. Oh yeah, and I'm a great bullshitter if I may say so myself. But the difference is only that I want and need to hear about my issues so I can change them. However, don't bull shit a bullshitter as I will know.
I'm working hard to come back and be all that I can be, and that includes dealing with my issues and they are numerous. You have no idea the kind of anger I have been carrying around...
Well, some out there got a taste of the personality we call the "bi-polar reporter" the one who makes sure that there are no people who are hurt or taken advantage of. How realistic is that? Not at all, therefore, this alter ego has spent years hounding others and threatening their very existence.
What can I do with all my anger?
I decided I had to come to terms with this or go over the edge and now it's a daily thing, making a bed, raking leaves, cooking stew, and having FAITH.
Thank you God or Scooter as I call it, the universe, for the breakdown, which was necessary for true change to occur. I want the truth, and I will find it, and be okay with it, as I was drunk, on opiates, freaking out, and now I'm into the moment, the only thing that counts.
I can no longer stuff this down. I kind of wish I could as the constant need for truth telling is getting on the nerves of others around me who would prefer to just package it all and call it a day.
Not bi-polar American's
We bi-polar's are all over it, the truth, the reason for our malady, and with the truth comes real change so it must not be feared.
It would be nice if I could stop telling everyone the truth, but I don't feel it's good for me or them to lie or couch the truth. It's a real skin peeler to take off all these layers of deceit. Maybe I will find that I'm still lying after all of this, but I won't worry about it, as it will do what it's going to do whether or not I actually do anything.
We are so extreme
I should say that I'm extremely angry at a lot of things, but that is not my focus. I want to take control of my mind, thoughts, life, and the only way is thru my "anger management."
My therapist was told that she could not let the bi-polar reporter run the therapy, and I was not manic when I last saw her, which made a huge difference.
I'm not my anger, but then what am I? I guess I'm a lot of things, too caring, too much of a pussy who constantly gives chances to others but sadly not myself.
This is my first blog back and I want to say that my "authority complex" has gotten even more complex as I found friends in my guards at jail. They not only watched me kick opiates, including herion, which I used three times this year, and benzo's I relied upon for self control, but they were KIND.
The last part I did not expect. They were on my bi-polar radar as the "bad guys" and I guess that made me a good guy, sort of, but now they are truly appreciated.
I want the Sheriff's department to know that they are supported by the insane, unkempt, types like me, the bi-polars. I'm sure they are thrilled but they should be as I don't take to just anyone, I'm kind of picky, so they must be extremely cool!
Thank you all for your support, I plan on making this work, and will get back with my progress. Right now it's white knuckle time, trying to be an adult. Oh, didn't I tell you, I'm like born yesterday or something.
When I left the jail I had no idea what I would face here at home, but I was hoping that it would be easy. NOT. It's been arduous and tough, like a bi-polar likes it I know, but also it's a learning experience, like I like it.
I'll continue to let you know what I'm learning. And if the Sheriff's hear this message, please know I am sincere, and would like to make good on my promise. Walter and I tried to get there, but we ended up crying and buying a cell phone...(Don't ask) which is fun and awesome, I love it!
Thanks to the people who care about me, you are so stupid, yet I love you....
More to follow: Indeed
I have to get used to the "outside" again, as I was incarcerated recently, not for long, as I'm not one to settle in anywhere. But new information about what happened on November 11, 2011, the day my bi-polar became seriously out of control, has come to the surface as I have to retrace my missteps from this past month.
I'm clean of it all, the drugs are gone...but then so was I.
Can you imagine watching someone kick opiates and benzo's all at once?
God it must have been terrible for those around me, and I must apologize, because that is what bi-polar American's do when they fuck up royally.
I want to not only make amends, as I could have escaped this pain by simply reducing medications over the course of some months and then gone on my way, I want to be better because of it.
BUT NO...
Being bi-polar means knowing what you are and what you are not. I'm not sane all the time, and I'm not able to handle the drugs I was taking. It was awful for All of us, not just me.
Oh my it hurt to writhe in agony, but I will never forget, and that is something that may save us all from another bad trip. I'm the one in charge, so whatever goes wrong is my responsibility.
I love the truth
As I've spent the last week at home working on the house of pain, the house of dirt, and disaster, I can see clearly that I was not in a state of mind that was conducive to living a clean and easy life. I like things the hard way.
If it can't be done, then I would do it. I would put all my personal issues aside to take on anything, even a dare. That is nothing new, it's been a whole life of putting my own needs on hold while I whip up a tornado and go out and do damage.
Now, I'm more interested in doing things that I know have at the least a seed of truth. I love the truth, and I'm irritated by people who bullshit. Oh yeah, and I'm a great bullshitter if I may say so myself. But the difference is only that I want and need to hear about my issues so I can change them. However, don't bull shit a bullshitter as I will know.
I'm working hard to come back and be all that I can be, and that includes dealing with my issues and they are numerous. You have no idea the kind of anger I have been carrying around...
Well, some out there got a taste of the personality we call the "bi-polar reporter" the one who makes sure that there are no people who are hurt or taken advantage of. How realistic is that? Not at all, therefore, this alter ego has spent years hounding others and threatening their very existence.
What can I do with all my anger?
I decided I had to come to terms with this or go over the edge and now it's a daily thing, making a bed, raking leaves, cooking stew, and having FAITH.
Thank you God or Scooter as I call it, the universe, for the breakdown, which was necessary for true change to occur. I want the truth, and I will find it, and be okay with it, as I was drunk, on opiates, freaking out, and now I'm into the moment, the only thing that counts.
I can no longer stuff this down. I kind of wish I could as the constant need for truth telling is getting on the nerves of others around me who would prefer to just package it all and call it a day.
Not bi-polar American's
We bi-polar's are all over it, the truth, the reason for our malady, and with the truth comes real change so it must not be feared.
It would be nice if I could stop telling everyone the truth, but I don't feel it's good for me or them to lie or couch the truth. It's a real skin peeler to take off all these layers of deceit. Maybe I will find that I'm still lying after all of this, but I won't worry about it, as it will do what it's going to do whether or not I actually do anything.
We are so extreme
I should say that I'm extremely angry at a lot of things, but that is not my focus. I want to take control of my mind, thoughts, life, and the only way is thru my "anger management."
My therapist was told that she could not let the bi-polar reporter run the therapy, and I was not manic when I last saw her, which made a huge difference.
I'm not my anger, but then what am I? I guess I'm a lot of things, too caring, too much of a pussy who constantly gives chances to others but sadly not myself.
This is my first blog back and I want to say that my "authority complex" has gotten even more complex as I found friends in my guards at jail. They not only watched me kick opiates, including herion, which I used three times this year, and benzo's I relied upon for self control, but they were KIND.
The last part I did not expect. They were on my bi-polar radar as the "bad guys" and I guess that made me a good guy, sort of, but now they are truly appreciated.
I want the Sheriff's department to know that they are supported by the insane, unkempt, types like me, the bi-polars. I'm sure they are thrilled but they should be as I don't take to just anyone, I'm kind of picky, so they must be extremely cool!
Thank you all for your support, I plan on making this work, and will get back with my progress. Right now it's white knuckle time, trying to be an adult. Oh, didn't I tell you, I'm like born yesterday or something.
When I left the jail I had no idea what I would face here at home, but I was hoping that it would be easy. NOT. It's been arduous and tough, like a bi-polar likes it I know, but also it's a learning experience, like I like it.
I'll continue to let you know what I'm learning. And if the Sheriff's hear this message, please know I am sincere, and would like to make good on my promise. Walter and I tried to get there, but we ended up crying and buying a cell phone...(Don't ask) which is fun and awesome, I love it!
Thanks to the people who care about me, you are so stupid, yet I love you....
More to follow: Indeed
Monday, November 28, 2011
Some things going on in our Comunity
Well it's been a couple of weeks since a post here and I'm a guest author today November 28 2011.
I and my significant other were arrested in 2003 for sales of marijuana and won our case in 2004. After that we decided to celebrate the win with a big party just for Medical Marijuana Patients, their caregivers and families. We camp out and have a big BBQ dinner Saturday night and a band and pretty much all the good bud you can consume. It runs from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon and is just a really good good time.
The second weekend of this month we had our big party again. After the first one we had to make it a twice a year tradition. Full Moon in June and Harvest Fest times for are our parties and we've had 7 harvests and 8 June parties.
Every party a wrench gets thrown into the storm that is planning for a party to feed 100 people and this last Harvest party was no exception, except, that the wrench thrown was not a printer going out or running out of ink or such, but the sudden snap of my very bipolar best friend. Yeah, she up and decided that she wasn't going to take anymore medicine; period. None of it!
This was not a good thing. My friend was on heavy narcotics, Xanax, and she had to take thyroid meds as hers didn't work anymore. For those of you out there who don't know the significance of needing thyroid replacement medicine; the thyroid controls the heart rate and other vital processes. Without thyroid hormones you die.
It was weird how I was able to watch the SNAP of my friend's mind. I've flipped out before but had never seen it. And once she snapped... It was like all of the sudden she was enraged and there were no words to calm her. I had to ride that rage all the way home. Ahhhh!
I was instantly angry too! How dare she do this to me three days before my big party! So now not only do I have to worry if I got everything for this party but I have to worry if my friend is going to kill herself. She said she wanted to die. NOT ON MY WATCH!
So this is Tuesday before the party when she flips. She drops me off at home and I'm freaked and look it. She goes on home too, she thinks to die. NOT ON MY WATCH.
The next morning another couple of friends went to check on her at my request. They took food and were hoping to talk her back to compliance. However, she was not having any of it. So they went to the fire department up the street and reported her as an attempted suicide. The cops came and she threatened them and then had a seizure. They ended up taking her to the local ER where she attacked a nurse and ran away. The cops found her at a church, curled up in a ball on the floor crying. They took her back in and she went to jail.
Now, I thought she went to 3-B at KMC or something like that. I did not know they just took her to jail.
So, we have our party, and it goes off without a hitch. It's Monday and I get word that my friend is in jail not a hospital. OH NO! So I make the call to the jail and tell them I have information about an inmate and I need to talk to medical or they could have another death in custody! I get transferred and am able to tell the nurse what's up with my friend and that she wants to die. She transfers me to the mental health nurse, who I again tell, and she thanks me, and I feel better. I know now that she will get the attention she needs.
The next morning I get a call from a lady, identifying herself as my friends case manager at KMC's 3-B ward. She tells me that my friend is there and her thyroid condition had been diagnosed and treated
and she was after a little history. I was happy to oblige. I was even able to give them the name of her endocrinologist which the manager knew. After we were done she told me I probably saved my friends life. Ha! She's not suiciding on my watch! In Jail or not!
My question is; Why was she sent to jail without life sustaining medications? It's not like she wasn't brought in as a psychiatric patient in the first place. But somehow after she assaulted the nurse and made her escape, her psych problem got forgotten, along with the rest of her medical history, including the thyroid. So she went to jail with nothing. Will there be any lasting damage to her heart or other organs from being without her thyroid meds for almost a week? I guess we will see.
Right now my friend feels great! Newly off the narcotics she's riding the high of sobriety. I am newly off morphine so I kinda know the feeling of having that weight lifted off. I just hope she doesn't crash. I didn't, but I'm hot as radically bipolar as my friend. I just hope she's ok from now on. No more wanting to die.
I and my significant other were arrested in 2003 for sales of marijuana and won our case in 2004. After that we decided to celebrate the win with a big party just for Medical Marijuana Patients, their caregivers and families. We camp out and have a big BBQ dinner Saturday night and a band and pretty much all the good bud you can consume. It runs from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon and is just a really good good time.
The second weekend of this month we had our big party again. After the first one we had to make it a twice a year tradition. Full Moon in June and Harvest Fest times for are our parties and we've had 7 harvests and 8 June parties.
Every party a wrench gets thrown into the storm that is planning for a party to feed 100 people and this last Harvest party was no exception, except, that the wrench thrown was not a printer going out or running out of ink or such, but the sudden snap of my very bipolar best friend. Yeah, she up and decided that she wasn't going to take anymore medicine; period. None of it!
This was not a good thing. My friend was on heavy narcotics, Xanax, and she had to take thyroid meds as hers didn't work anymore. For those of you out there who don't know the significance of needing thyroid replacement medicine; the thyroid controls the heart rate and other vital processes. Without thyroid hormones you die.
It was weird how I was able to watch the SNAP of my friend's mind. I've flipped out before but had never seen it. And once she snapped... It was like all of the sudden she was enraged and there were no words to calm her. I had to ride that rage all the way home. Ahhhh!
I was instantly angry too! How dare she do this to me three days before my big party! So now not only do I have to worry if I got everything for this party but I have to worry if my friend is going to kill herself. She said she wanted to die. NOT ON MY WATCH!
So this is Tuesday before the party when she flips. She drops me off at home and I'm freaked and look it. She goes on home too, she thinks to die. NOT ON MY WATCH.
The next morning another couple of friends went to check on her at my request. They took food and were hoping to talk her back to compliance. However, she was not having any of it. So they went to the fire department up the street and reported her as an attempted suicide. The cops came and she threatened them and then had a seizure. They ended up taking her to the local ER where she attacked a nurse and ran away. The cops found her at a church, curled up in a ball on the floor crying. They took her back in and she went to jail.
Now, I thought she went to 3-B at KMC or something like that. I did not know they just took her to jail.
So, we have our party, and it goes off without a hitch. It's Monday and I get word that my friend is in jail not a hospital. OH NO! So I make the call to the jail and tell them I have information about an inmate and I need to talk to medical or they could have another death in custody! I get transferred and am able to tell the nurse what's up with my friend and that she wants to die. She transfers me to the mental health nurse, who I again tell, and she thanks me, and I feel better. I know now that she will get the attention she needs.
The next morning I get a call from a lady, identifying herself as my friends case manager at KMC's 3-B ward. She tells me that my friend is there and her thyroid condition had been diagnosed and treated
and she was after a little history. I was happy to oblige. I was even able to give them the name of her endocrinologist which the manager knew. After we were done she told me I probably saved my friends life. Ha! She's not suiciding on my watch! In Jail or not!
My question is; Why was she sent to jail without life sustaining medications? It's not like she wasn't brought in as a psychiatric patient in the first place. But somehow after she assaulted the nurse and made her escape, her psych problem got forgotten, along with the rest of her medical history, including the thyroid. So she went to jail with nothing. Will there be any lasting damage to her heart or other organs from being without her thyroid meds for almost a week? I guess we will see.
Right now my friend feels great! Newly off the narcotics she's riding the high of sobriety. I am newly off morphine so I kinda know the feeling of having that weight lifted off. I just hope she doesn't crash. I didn't, but I'm hot as radically bipolar as my friend. I just hope she's ok from now on. No more wanting to die.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
As I walk thru your valley of darkness I shall not fear: Here's your drugs assholes
I'm in full mania right now, on the verge of attack, raging, roaring and ready to fucking do what I should have done a long time ago: show them how good their drugs fucking work when I don't use them.
Here's the deal, another mediocre mind of medicine has struck the right cord. I can feel it, it's a nasty one, and it needs to be dealt with now.
Oh drug seeker, we are going to put a contract under your nose you can't see and then mess with your medications. Take your list, that you try to keep, such as health goals, drug changes, whatever the hell I wrote.
I made a mistake, I think I put it up somewhere, but let me say, with no knowledge tonight, most likely tomorrow the rockets red glare, I am doing what my insane mother did and that is to get angry and stop taking all my medications, ALL OF THEM.
Moments from now they will be in the trash, and likely so will I. I really don't know, and have too much fear to ignore. If I seizure fuck it then I do. If I have pain and am angry, that's not a problem for me either. What is a problem is having my physical problems ignored by the ignorant.
So, can we get on with it? My fucking healthcare now that I've removed all your fucking drugs? I'm not seeking, and I don't want your comfort or the leash that goes with seeing doctors.
I'm done with this shit. In fact, I'm about to show you how done with it I am. I'm not only embarrassed that I have to explain this all the time, but do NOT take Xanax, or pain killers, if you want treatment for things other than the judgement of others...who have nothing to judge.
My recent mistaken PA, lied to me. She is a real winner, I cannot even believe this gal. She has no personality, which I could've lived with, but she has nothing really to give. No openness which she obviously has missed out on in her own life.
Just a stone cold one. Okay, you win, I'm done. Good for you.
Here's the deal, another mediocre mind of medicine has struck the right cord. I can feel it, it's a nasty one, and it needs to be dealt with now.
Oh drug seeker, we are going to put a contract under your nose you can't see and then mess with your medications. Take your list, that you try to keep, such as health goals, drug changes, whatever the hell I wrote.
I made a mistake, I think I put it up somewhere, but let me say, with no knowledge tonight, most likely tomorrow the rockets red glare, I am doing what my insane mother did and that is to get angry and stop taking all my medications, ALL OF THEM.
Moments from now they will be in the trash, and likely so will I. I really don't know, and have too much fear to ignore. If I seizure fuck it then I do. If I have pain and am angry, that's not a problem for me either. What is a problem is having my physical problems ignored by the ignorant.
So, can we get on with it? My fucking healthcare now that I've removed all your fucking drugs? I'm not seeking, and I don't want your comfort or the leash that goes with seeing doctors.
I'm done with this shit. In fact, I'm about to show you how done with it I am. I'm not only embarrassed that I have to explain this all the time, but do NOT take Xanax, or pain killers, if you want treatment for things other than the judgement of others...who have nothing to judge.
My recent mistaken PA, lied to me. She is a real winner, I cannot even believe this gal. She has no personality, which I could've lived with, but she has nothing really to give. No openness which she obviously has missed out on in her own life.
Just a stone cold one. Okay, you win, I'm done. Good for you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)