What is she saying?
As we all know children will be forthright and honest and say what others fear to say. One certain nina said to my friend who arranged my trip to London and Spain, "I don't know what that lady is saying." The kid didn't stop there she went on to tag me with the truth: "Why doesn't she know Spanish?"
Who could blame her, she's seven or eight years old and she doesn't want to screw around with an idiot who can't speak HER language. But she soon discovered that I speak "kidspanol" and there's not a child on the face of the earth who can't understand it.
She's absolutely correct, there's no reason I should not have studied harder and learned more Spanish. There's no good excuse for only learning one language, as it's limiting in certain senses--geographically anyway. But I did study heavily the language of humans which is more generalized in certain senses.
Part of the reason children find me so alluring is that I can empathize and see thru their eyes. Notice the last sentence I used the abbreviation for the word "through." Language is changing rapidly and even young Spanish people know what LOL means. They say it like an acronym rather than an abbreviation but it has the same humorous connotation.
As usual, I was overwhelmed by the experience with the children-they got a little hyper on me, but then again, I let them, no regard for my own safety! LOL or my new laughing short cut: muy feliz! MF. LOL (so redundant)
Language is alive
So, are we setting up a universal language within the social networks like facebook and so forth? Most probably. It looks like it to me, and as I coin new phrases on my blogs, such as a word I created for the reporters of our local newspaper, The Kern Valley Sun: Misconscrewbulated. Good word. And this is the reason I say that language has taken on a life of it's own. I'm learning one hell of lesson here in Spain with language. It's one I will never forget.
I'll be talking more about how time is subjective and changes from...time to time. (Lo Siento) Also, language or our ability to communicate with others- how we do this- is a large issue we will watch take on it's own life on this blog. I'm sure that not everyone has noticed I actually went in to take a second look at some of my stories. I could take out the shit, but at this point, the shit for readers still offers me a look at myself--which is an important part of this endeavor.
America my home far away
This is going to sound strange, but we had a sing along and the music was American. "Bye, bye Miss American Pie"-- we all sang it out. However, I suddenly felt homesick. It's been a tough week. There is a certain feeling of isolation that one cannot deny when you don't make more sense than give me food or "yes."
It's humbling.
Out of the blue I suddenly FELT my patriotism on a level I have NEVER felt it before. America is the new world. This is the old world that still has many emotional ties to it's history/traditions which keep it stuck in "time." Noticably American's don't know shit. We don't know what happened to us yesterday let alone in 1776.
(BTW- I take liberties here in gross generalizations. These are just practice swings, so hang on for the real game)
In Spain, there is great regard for it's history, a pride that can't be deterred. But the people of Spain still have to deal with the universal issues the whole fucking world needs to understand.
First, we are trashing our living space with junk from Walmart. (another generalization, just hang with me) Whether that be in America or in Spain or anywhere else.
There has not been significant pollution here in Seville or London, but that isn't going to stay that way if we continue to use petrol based fuels. Unless of course, there is some way to invent around the by-products or filter the hell out of it.
The busses in London which take people back and forth to work, did not have the same lung choking effects that their American counterparts do have. I cannot even drive behind a bus due to choking on the deisel fumes.
Christopher Columbus
Here in Spain, my friend says they actually celebrate Chris Columbus the "bi-polar explorer" with some extensive partying. (They just love to party and I love them for it)
They are not concerned with the effects such as massive killing of indigenous peoples. They had a great explorer who graced other lands with their cultural influence. Looking around the area, I am surrounded by citrus- palm trees- cactus- marble- ceramic tile- it's fucking California.
The train station is filled with all types of people and many of them were wearing the shoes I attempted to buy before I left two weeks ago: Vans. Pronounced here more like, "Vons" I could not find these shoes at any store I tried.
Now, I'm not as bad ass as Chris Columbus, nor do I have the financial backing of Ferdinand and Isabella, but I'm also an explorer.
We are all explorers of our own lives. Some of us are just more dangerous about it. Such as us Bi-polar Americans.
Explorers use the influence of the homeland to bring such things as I described, such as food or types of wood, etc. But they also collect items to take back home. The same goes for me.
My business mind
I cannot bring myself to put my creativity up for sale. That's for another blog. But I do have a capitalist nature and none of the English or Spanish creations have been lost on me. Whether they originated here or not makes no difference to me as I'm only interested in selling them.
But since they have products I have not seen in California, it's time for some research. It's time to potentially put together a business which utilizes certain items I deem to be transferable.
Hey if the kids have my fucking shoes- Vans- then I'm going to concern myself with finding items in my explorations which could be marketed in America.
The Bi-polar Explorer
I've purchased a pair of cargo pants with straight legs which make me look skinny. That's the style here. In fact, I accidentally wore a pair of pants to London which were too damn tight--the pants were also skinny leg makers which I don't like.
A few moments in London and I realized this was their style. Also, a lot of anorexic women in Spain--too skinny. Muy mala.
The film students just made a rap today on their project, so I gave them my email address: Muymala@msn.com
One of them asked me if I had the address before I got here or if I knew what it meant. Fucking hell yeah! It's no secret to anyone around me that I am and live MUY MALA. Now, I get to say it! Awesome.
Spanish language sounds so musical and I love the throat sounds too.
I've promised when I come back to have built a bigger vocabulary so that we can communicate more complex ideas beyond my eating and sleep needs.
But for today I am truly a muy mala and proud of it. And now I get to say it and have others laugh that I can't speak a bit of real Spanish, yet my email address is in Espanol!
Go explore your life, your surroundings, and remember you both take and leave things in this life. Make it good. Laura Hart (Muy Mala!)
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
The Lioness she called me...
All in the family
The great part of this trip to Spain has to be the family that I have the grand opportunity to stay with in their home. They are so fantastic that they don't care that I can't fucking speak a single, intelligent word of Spanish, we are uniting in expressing ourselves with our hands- faces- and feelings.
A huge fight took place between a mother and daughter. How fucking standard is that? I could probably stay in a hut with Indians from remote areas of South America and a fight would break out between family members over something--not chewing your palm frawn properly or whatever. However, with the Spanish temper it certainly took on new dimensions, but it was so darn understandable that I was entertained.
I'm beginning to understand the relativity of this trip over here: there is nothing different except the language and that is beginning to wane as we have found other ways to communicate. If I stayed here long enough I would quickly learn the language. Being immersed in it is one way to "sink or swim" style of learning it.
An insomniac in Spain
I've been fucking sleeping like a baby. I'm so exhausted due to the constant issue of translating at all times that I pass out. However, there were sleep quarter issues which kept me awake all night. Grumpy, MUY MALA this morning. (Yes, I love to use those words I have longed to use.)
However, due to the custom of eating a large lunch and then taking a nap, I'm saved! I love this schedule, why it was made for me. I stay up late, eating and drinking all night, then wake up to the idea that I only have a few hours before a big meal and then I'm back to bed. Now most Spainards do not go to bed, they simply nap on the couch or in a chair. I'm taking true advantage of the schedule.
In fact this current post is cutting in on my sleep as we are going to have people over later tonight for food, drink and song, so I need to speed this up.
How I appear to them
It's an intense situation here and I love it as it is great for those who live in the moment. I can't leave the moment as the environment itself challenges me constantly.
But we had a conversation about my hair the other day. My friend and her aunt were discussing what to do about it, and I was lost in translation. Her aunt looked me over like a fish in the marketplace, scanning for a sign of what to do. My hair is seriously frizzed and it started in London. So my hair would not be changed but the funny part was when she descrided me as "the lioness."
I got the distinct impression she meant a lion's mane, but that was not important, it was too cool to have that monicker to utilize.
Last night after our afternoon naps, my friend's aunt and uncle took me for a stroll around the area to a point I could get a panoramic view of the cities. Seville is not too far off of this suburb known as San Paublo.
The air was filled with the smell of orange blossoms as the citruis trees are growing all throughout the city. My friend's uncle was translating to me that he feels "drunk" of the intense odor. It's spring in Spain much like California, same weather pattern.
While we were walking some of the teenagers I had met before, the one's who were not insane, followed us around. They waited until they found us standing on the hill under terraces of vines looking out over the vista.
They also apparently have a crush on me. My friends aunt and uncle got a kick out of my fans following me around. I'm much older than they think I am. Not 25 - as one of them guessed and changed it to 17. LOL
It's time for the lioness to lay down on the Serrenghetti and take a nap as the sun is hot.
Buenas Tardes amigos! Laura Hart The Bi-polar American in Spain continues...(when I wake up, of course)
The great part of this trip to Spain has to be the family that I have the grand opportunity to stay with in their home. They are so fantastic that they don't care that I can't fucking speak a single, intelligent word of Spanish, we are uniting in expressing ourselves with our hands- faces- and feelings.
A huge fight took place between a mother and daughter. How fucking standard is that? I could probably stay in a hut with Indians from remote areas of South America and a fight would break out between family members over something--not chewing your palm frawn properly or whatever. However, with the Spanish temper it certainly took on new dimensions, but it was so darn understandable that I was entertained.
I'm beginning to understand the relativity of this trip over here: there is nothing different except the language and that is beginning to wane as we have found other ways to communicate. If I stayed here long enough I would quickly learn the language. Being immersed in it is one way to "sink or swim" style of learning it.
An insomniac in Spain
I've been fucking sleeping like a baby. I'm so exhausted due to the constant issue of translating at all times that I pass out. However, there were sleep quarter issues which kept me awake all night. Grumpy, MUY MALA this morning. (Yes, I love to use those words I have longed to use.)
However, due to the custom of eating a large lunch and then taking a nap, I'm saved! I love this schedule, why it was made for me. I stay up late, eating and drinking all night, then wake up to the idea that I only have a few hours before a big meal and then I'm back to bed. Now most Spainards do not go to bed, they simply nap on the couch or in a chair. I'm taking true advantage of the schedule.
In fact this current post is cutting in on my sleep as we are going to have people over later tonight for food, drink and song, so I need to speed this up.
How I appear to them
It's an intense situation here and I love it as it is great for those who live in the moment. I can't leave the moment as the environment itself challenges me constantly.
But we had a conversation about my hair the other day. My friend and her aunt were discussing what to do about it, and I was lost in translation. Her aunt looked me over like a fish in the marketplace, scanning for a sign of what to do. My hair is seriously frizzed and it started in London. So my hair would not be changed but the funny part was when she descrided me as "the lioness."
I got the distinct impression she meant a lion's mane, but that was not important, it was too cool to have that monicker to utilize.
Last night after our afternoon naps, my friend's aunt and uncle took me for a stroll around the area to a point I could get a panoramic view of the cities. Seville is not too far off of this suburb known as San Paublo.
The air was filled with the smell of orange blossoms as the citruis trees are growing all throughout the city. My friend's uncle was translating to me that he feels "drunk" of the intense odor. It's spring in Spain much like California, same weather pattern.
While we were walking some of the teenagers I had met before, the one's who were not insane, followed us around. They waited until they found us standing on the hill under terraces of vines looking out over the vista.
They also apparently have a crush on me. My friends aunt and uncle got a kick out of my fans following me around. I'm much older than they think I am. Not 25 - as one of them guessed and changed it to 17. LOL
It's time for the lioness to lay down on the Serrenghetti and take a nap as the sun is hot.
Buenas Tardes amigos! Laura Hart The Bi-polar American in Spain continues...(when I wake up, of course)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
How to say "Bi-polar" in Espanol?
Welcome to Spain!
God help the Spainards as there is a bi-polar in town who knows no language except her own. The first day I had tons of enthusiasm and there was hardly anything which could stop me, including the language barrier. There seemed to be only similarities between people - families - arguing over typical problems.
Okay, I do have a "Rosetta Stone" with me as my friend was raised traveling back and forth from California to Spain over summers and holidays, so she can speak it, and even with an accent worthy of the local region.
But that's no fun, I wanted to know how it felt to be an English speaker among the natives. So, I launched my visit here by taking off with my friend's Aunt (tia) who spoke no English. We were quite the pair. She is so funny, so demonstrative, that I actually understood a good portion of what she was trying to convey to me.
There are no casual conversations as everything we try to communicate requires work. Mucho Trabajo! I do remember or know, some Spanish, hell we all know some Spanish as it's all around us. "Lave Las Manos," seen in every bathroom (banos) of every fast food joint in California.
The fucking Spanish rule the world, it's everywhere. I had no idea that I would find such a gold mine of Spanish in my brain. Okay, admittedly a gold mine for me consists of a lot of nouns (perro, gato, comida, etc) and several partially congugated verbs (Yo tengo, trabajo). Of course, greetings are rather well known; Hasta Luego - Buenos Noches - Adios fucking amigos...
It's just another manic Lunes...
The first few days were trying to fit my broken Spanish into conversations and a lot of playing with my hands and looking for things to point at. Hey, it's a truly humbling experience to be in a country where you do not speak the language. Americans are so fucked up in that we think it's okay to simply "force" our language upon those who visit or relocate to our country.
But it also brings up the fact that language is alive and kicking. We all really speak our own "brand" or "style" and it has a lot to do with the local region we speak to in our daily lives. My language skills or lack thereof, come from my life, my feelings and such. So do everyone else's. That is what I'm learning right now.
And body language is muy important as I have that to totally rely on in certain situations as occurred last night.
Going to a park, actually waiting for someone to return by train, I took the dog for a walk. By the way, that fucker doesn't understand me any better than anyone else. The dog is a brute, though afraid of the gatos, and apparently teenagers.
They were only kids but it said alot...
Last night I realized that it's about communicating beyond words when I was approached by a whole group of kids. The younger ones were studying English and found me a good sounding board for their practice. I didn't mind too much, but the teenages became a problem.
If you read this blog or know me, you will likely know I'm kind of partial to the company of young people, as I try to support them as they are going to take over the world some day.
Things got out of hand at the park as their were too many of them, approaching me, asking me to say their names in English. Before I could get a handle on them, they were in mass, too many at once. The teenagers stepped up to move out the younger crowd and then it got weird.
Since I was alone I had to be careful as these were someone's kids. Mostly teenage boys, who wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, and if I didn't they were offering themselves. I had no verbs or nouns for "I'm waiting for someone on the train" or even "fuck off I'm looking around and you're annoying me" I had nothing. That's when a teenage girl appeared. She had a lot of attitude and decided to try to one up me in front of the boys.
Well, the goddam dog pushed his head to her butt and knocked her around a bit. She came up angry. The only word I could think when I looked into her eyes was "impish." What the fuck good would that word do me as it was untranslatable at that moment. But it did tell me she was street smart, not much education unlike the younger kids, but she was intelligent no doubt. And she was angry too.
She made a mistake as she decided to fuck with me. I had not expected to have my first experience in Spain with a teenager to be one I did not know how to handle. A young, pretty, smart girl needed to do this? Jeezus.
Tug of war is "tug of war" in any country
I'm a fucking American, trying to modify my responses for other people is not going to change that fact. And having someone pull me or touch me isn't going to do much except piss me off. I'm not a big fan of being assailed by strangers, especially those who are cussing me out in another language.
She made fun of my Spanish as I tried to calm the situation. It was "Bull" the dog who started this, I decided after a whole night of reflection. But the girl made the choice to touch me. In fact, she pulled at my arm, rather strongly. I looked deep into her eyes, while sending the message you're a buzzkill, to let go immediately of my arm.
Without verbal language it all came down to understanding the rest of the signals. I stood down a mountain lion and that SOB wasn't speaking English either, so I had to deal with a young female Spainard with the same regard.
Much like with the mountain lion, I postured my body without thinking about it. My back straight, my eyes zoomed in on the girl, I made sure she got the idea to back off or try to wrangle me. But unlike the mountain lion who was a real dick too, this young girl did not understand the amount of self control I was using not to pick her up and throw her insolent ass into the fountain. She persisted and we ended up in a stand off.
Same situation - different country
My eyes scanned all of the teenagers, maybe ten or so at this point, and I realized they are in the same situation as any American kid, lack of opportunity, time on their hands, and the current human condition, I'll talk about more later.
Right now, I'm sitting around talking to some young film students from the university. We have had a lot of listening to my broken Spanish, now it's time to teach some fucking American. No, mutherfuckers, I don't speak English, I speak Bi-polar American.
My friend and I recalled last night about the phrase I coined some years ago: " Group hug mutherfuckers." That's what I'm teaching.
Adios blog readers! From the Bi-polar American currently in Spain!
God help the Spainards as there is a bi-polar in town who knows no language except her own. The first day I had tons of enthusiasm and there was hardly anything which could stop me, including the language barrier. There seemed to be only similarities between people - families - arguing over typical problems.
Okay, I do have a "Rosetta Stone" with me as my friend was raised traveling back and forth from California to Spain over summers and holidays, so she can speak it, and even with an accent worthy of the local region.
But that's no fun, I wanted to know how it felt to be an English speaker among the natives. So, I launched my visit here by taking off with my friend's Aunt (tia) who spoke no English. We were quite the pair. She is so funny, so demonstrative, that I actually understood a good portion of what she was trying to convey to me.
There are no casual conversations as everything we try to communicate requires work. Mucho Trabajo! I do remember or know, some Spanish, hell we all know some Spanish as it's all around us. "Lave Las Manos," seen in every bathroom (banos) of every fast food joint in California.
The fucking Spanish rule the world, it's everywhere. I had no idea that I would find such a gold mine of Spanish in my brain. Okay, admittedly a gold mine for me consists of a lot of nouns (perro, gato, comida, etc) and several partially congugated verbs (Yo tengo, trabajo). Of course, greetings are rather well known; Hasta Luego - Buenos Noches - Adios fucking amigos...
It's just another manic Lunes...
The first few days were trying to fit my broken Spanish into conversations and a lot of playing with my hands and looking for things to point at. Hey, it's a truly humbling experience to be in a country where you do not speak the language. Americans are so fucked up in that we think it's okay to simply "force" our language upon those who visit or relocate to our country.
But it also brings up the fact that language is alive and kicking. We all really speak our own "brand" or "style" and it has a lot to do with the local region we speak to in our daily lives. My language skills or lack thereof, come from my life, my feelings and such. So do everyone else's. That is what I'm learning right now.
And body language is muy important as I have that to totally rely on in certain situations as occurred last night.
Going to a park, actually waiting for someone to return by train, I took the dog for a walk. By the way, that fucker doesn't understand me any better than anyone else. The dog is a brute, though afraid of the gatos, and apparently teenagers.
They were only kids but it said alot...
Last night I realized that it's about communicating beyond words when I was approached by a whole group of kids. The younger ones were studying English and found me a good sounding board for their practice. I didn't mind too much, but the teenages became a problem.
If you read this blog or know me, you will likely know I'm kind of partial to the company of young people, as I try to support them as they are going to take over the world some day.
Things got out of hand at the park as their were too many of them, approaching me, asking me to say their names in English. Before I could get a handle on them, they were in mass, too many at once. The teenagers stepped up to move out the younger crowd and then it got weird.
Since I was alone I had to be careful as these were someone's kids. Mostly teenage boys, who wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, and if I didn't they were offering themselves. I had no verbs or nouns for "I'm waiting for someone on the train" or even "fuck off I'm looking around and you're annoying me" I had nothing. That's when a teenage girl appeared. She had a lot of attitude and decided to try to one up me in front of the boys.
Well, the goddam dog pushed his head to her butt and knocked her around a bit. She came up angry. The only word I could think when I looked into her eyes was "impish." What the fuck good would that word do me as it was untranslatable at that moment. But it did tell me she was street smart, not much education unlike the younger kids, but she was intelligent no doubt. And she was angry too.
She made a mistake as she decided to fuck with me. I had not expected to have my first experience in Spain with a teenager to be one I did not know how to handle. A young, pretty, smart girl needed to do this? Jeezus.
Tug of war is "tug of war" in any country
I'm a fucking American, trying to modify my responses for other people is not going to change that fact. And having someone pull me or touch me isn't going to do much except piss me off. I'm not a big fan of being assailed by strangers, especially those who are cussing me out in another language.
She made fun of my Spanish as I tried to calm the situation. It was "Bull" the dog who started this, I decided after a whole night of reflection. But the girl made the choice to touch me. In fact, she pulled at my arm, rather strongly. I looked deep into her eyes, while sending the message you're a buzzkill, to let go immediately of my arm.
Without verbal language it all came down to understanding the rest of the signals. I stood down a mountain lion and that SOB wasn't speaking English either, so I had to deal with a young female Spainard with the same regard.
Much like with the mountain lion, I postured my body without thinking about it. My back straight, my eyes zoomed in on the girl, I made sure she got the idea to back off or try to wrangle me. But unlike the mountain lion who was a real dick too, this young girl did not understand the amount of self control I was using not to pick her up and throw her insolent ass into the fountain. She persisted and we ended up in a stand off.
Same situation - different country
My eyes scanned all of the teenagers, maybe ten or so at this point, and I realized they are in the same situation as any American kid, lack of opportunity, time on their hands, and the current human condition, I'll talk about more later.
Right now, I'm sitting around talking to some young film students from the university. We have had a lot of listening to my broken Spanish, now it's time to teach some fucking American. No, mutherfuckers, I don't speak English, I speak Bi-polar American.
My friend and I recalled last night about the phrase I coined some years ago: " Group hug mutherfuckers." That's what I'm teaching.
Adios blog readers! From the Bi-polar American currently in Spain!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The Devil is in the details...
Life is a dream but you must live it daily
What a concept, and one I have been acquainting myself with recently. It seems I want to start the tale of my life since the day I remember waking up in jail last Thanksgiving. Though many of my friends would prefer I use a euphemism instead of the bare bones notion that I spent some time in lock down. LOL
It still makes me laugh when I think how uncomfortable people are about certain issues. I can laugh because I still suffer from being human on a regular basis. Why discomfort can be quite illuminating.
Since we have established the time frame, I will tell you that when I returned home I had issues with time. I could not conceive of time, was confused by it. There is still a digital clock sitting below the chair in my bedroom. I used this clock to come back into time. It was my little time machine, it was. (how many times can I use the word time, this time???)
This clock played games with my mind. If I didn't mention it before, everyone I spoke with for the first week, would be told prior to our conversation, what time was on the clock. I was riveted to this clock, amused by it, insecure without it.
At one point I had engaged in some activity that really didn't suit my mood. Time seemed to slow down. I'd turn my head to the clock, see 10:15, what would seem like hours would pass, then I'd check again and it would be 10:16. I would roar with laughter as if the universe was showing me something funny.
When I would be engaged in something that I enjoyed time would take off and I would be thinking of feeding my body again. "Wow, it took two hours to read that story."
There it was, the buzz kill. I had to take care of my body, so much time had passed and my body was again in need of nourishment, hydration. "Dammit!"
Oh, the simplicity of not having a body. But then there's the issue of what quality of life there would be with out a body. LOL
This is why I say the devil is in the details. We are incredible beings, so creative. And so enamored with our creations, such as time.
I have fond memories of playing with my time machine.
As I wrestled with my sleep issues one night, I woke up and quickly looked at the digital numbers as this was my security - the time. It was after 5 am and the sun would be rising in an hour. I was distraught and laid awake for...a long time. When suddenly I woke up, again, and it was 3 am.
"Oh shit!"
I traveled back in time. LOL
What I'm describing here is something that I had not considered to be funny or amusing before this episode. Let me tell you time is a riot, I've never laughed so much.
But when the "time comes" you must get up, do your damnedest and "put in a good life." C'mon, we are here for the fun of it. Watch the clock and see for yourself how "time" has a sense of humor.
And don't forget the devil is in the details. Okay, it's not the "devil" but it's the drudgery of life that we sometimes have to "mind" our bodies. LOL (I do love language and it is alive just like time)
Be here now in a timely fashion. Have a great day! Laura Hart (time immemorial)
What a concept, and one I have been acquainting myself with recently. It seems I want to start the tale of my life since the day I remember waking up in jail last Thanksgiving. Though many of my friends would prefer I use a euphemism instead of the bare bones notion that I spent some time in lock down. LOL
It still makes me laugh when I think how uncomfortable people are about certain issues. I can laugh because I still suffer from being human on a regular basis. Why discomfort can be quite illuminating.
Since we have established the time frame, I will tell you that when I returned home I had issues with time. I could not conceive of time, was confused by it. There is still a digital clock sitting below the chair in my bedroom. I used this clock to come back into time. It was my little time machine, it was. (how many times can I use the word time, this time???)
This clock played games with my mind. If I didn't mention it before, everyone I spoke with for the first week, would be told prior to our conversation, what time was on the clock. I was riveted to this clock, amused by it, insecure without it.
At one point I had engaged in some activity that really didn't suit my mood. Time seemed to slow down. I'd turn my head to the clock, see 10:15, what would seem like hours would pass, then I'd check again and it would be 10:16. I would roar with laughter as if the universe was showing me something funny.
When I would be engaged in something that I enjoyed time would take off and I would be thinking of feeding my body again. "Wow, it took two hours to read that story."
There it was, the buzz kill. I had to take care of my body, so much time had passed and my body was again in need of nourishment, hydration. "Dammit!"
Oh, the simplicity of not having a body. But then there's the issue of what quality of life there would be with out a body. LOL
This is why I say the devil is in the details. We are incredible beings, so creative. And so enamored with our creations, such as time.
I have fond memories of playing with my time machine.
As I wrestled with my sleep issues one night, I woke up and quickly looked at the digital numbers as this was my security - the time. It was after 5 am and the sun would be rising in an hour. I was distraught and laid awake for...a long time. When suddenly I woke up, again, and it was 3 am.
"Oh shit!"
I traveled back in time. LOL
What I'm describing here is something that I had not considered to be funny or amusing before this episode. Let me tell you time is a riot, I've never laughed so much.
But when the "time comes" you must get up, do your damnedest and "put in a good life." C'mon, we are here for the fun of it. Watch the clock and see for yourself how "time" has a sense of humor.
And don't forget the devil is in the details. Okay, it's not the "devil" but it's the drudgery of life that we sometimes have to "mind" our bodies. LOL (I do love language and it is alive just like time)
Be here now in a timely fashion. Have a great day! Laura Hart (time immemorial)
I know some will find this whole blog disturbing...at some point
That's the way it is...
I've reflected on the beginnings, the origins of this blog, remembering my brother asking me to "come out" as bi-polar so "he" could feel more comfortable in the world. It's funny, I do these things people ask of me without question.
Okay, I'll expose my whole life and garner a bunch of horrified responses as most of our people are not quite ready to see themselves with such "high def" vision.
It's incredibly painful some of this--emotionally so. I think the reader suffers also. And well you should. lol
I've had the opportunity to lay around listlessly today studying my life. Some may like to meditate, while us bi-polars prefer to vomit our way into good mental health.
In sickness and in health...
I have a construction of the mind that my head hurts, my stomach aches for attention and my viscera swirl with emotion. Ssshhh, don't tell anyone but being sick gives us the time to reflect and look inward. It's a social diversion.
There is still so much resistance to being set free. I guess we as a human race were enjoying being in a trance for eons. But there is definitely a swing in another direction. And thank Scooter, as I was getting really bored. lol
Since I choose not to disconnect from the social structures completely, I have to ride out episodes such as sickness to be allowed my time for deep thought/prayer. I've noted over the years, when I've been in a state of great change, that it disturbs others.
Hence, the title of this post--this will all be disturbing at some point. It is for me. And I graciously accept the challenge. The challenge of living among you who prefer a prefab existence to an actively creative one.
You want to "play your role" on this stage and get on with it. I don't. Yet, I apologize as I don't really mean to make people uncomfortable. Oh hell, it's fun to make people uncomfortable and really some of you have set yourselves up as easy targets. Almost anyone clinging to any sort of bible, Christian or otherwise, have not come to a point of living without a crutch.
If you are hoping that this deep sentiment will save you from discomfort, will enlighten you without having to strip down to your skivvies--then you haven't lived yet!
People who live in glass houses should watch out for my high notes as they will shatter the very foundation you have built your whole life on. lol
Ruff! Ruff!
There are still some people who enjoy the dogma, the rules of life created by others from another time. Okay, if you really need to go ahead and be miserable--have fun.
You won't find me telling you what to believe on this blog. I'll challenge your belief systems, but I won't give you another belief system to replace the old one.
How do you live like that?
Some people have thoroughly questioned my thinking and lifestyle and they appear to believe I have come up "short" somehow. I can feel the pain when others try to fit me into some partitioned box from the rest of the world. I don't fit snugly or neatly into any of your categories--except maybe F5. lol
Here let's be honest and let me tell you what people have labeled me in my life. This is just a partial list starting from my childhood: A brat-- Smart mouth--spoiled--stupid--too smart for my own good--looking for a slap on the mouth--troublemaker--princess--my behavior could "drive Christ down from the cross" (strictly a Catholic thing)--tomboy--I think I'm funny--slob--unreal--who do I think I am anyway--needs attention--a drop out--sickly--hell bent on destruction--gay--straight--different--pain in the ass--impulsive--train wreck--roller coaster--disaster waiting to happen!
There are so many labels that have come my way via the other people in my life. I have my own take on who I've been, but it is sometimes radically different than the way I'm perceived. But it also has to do with who is doing the perceiving.
You can see people have mostly been negative in their interpretations. But on the other side there are those who think of me in a more positive light--people who have accepted me and likely themselves.
Life is served...
No thank you is what I said when the roles were passed around. The roles I preferred to play were more outcast types of stints as I was really quite bored with the way others would think and live. Please understand this is nothing personal, I just like to live it my way. (Yes Frank Sinatra and I)
I'll never forget when my mother bought a picture and hung it on my wall, depicting young blonde, girl, who was somewhat masculine--dressed casually--and the caption read: "You do your thing and I'll do mine."
It seemed like a reasonable deal--I'm doing my thing while you have your freedom too. However, it has come to my attention in the past half a century of life, that rarely do people think that is a good trade. No, they would rather "you do their thing and they will too" and we will all live without fear or differences.
For me and my life, this has been a real challenge to try and maintain my own autonomy while allowing others to remain "comfortable." Now you know how this whole blog started. My sister would tell me that I'm just really co-dependent and need to a attend "meetings."
Fucking I don't care anymore, but you out there in the "other world" will soon. Life is about to challenge the people of this time, past the age of reason, to look at the slippery nature of reality. Woops, I thought I had it!
When language doesn't mean anything--when the signs are not directing you--when there is no trail to follow--no definitive role to play--you will be unsettled, unable to function. If you've thought you've done the "right things" with your life and you will somehow be compensated for your troubles in the afterlife: good luck.
Keep the faith...
I still would like to make that deal with the world, that I'm allowed to do my thing, and everyone else feel free to do yours. One exception: if it has to do with curtailing my choices.
Faith is a practice, an activity, that is employed in life. As many times as I discussed faith with other people or read about it, the true nature of faith is only known by allowing all of the world to be what it is.
I'm learning more and more about faith. Of course, I did ask about it--pray about it--constantly for almost 50 years. I suppose I should know something. Or at least I have some results to analyze.
It's an on-going practice. Let me tell you though, it feels so good--it still gives me chills--when I realize the difference between a construct known as logic and the lack of action that has to do with faith. When I suddenly in the middle of washing the dishes want to go call someone and they say, "wow, I was just thinking about you," I feel so in tune with it all.
No pain, no gain?
For someone so enamored with my painful experiences, it's likely you won't understand that I say it's with ease and comfort that the "faith-ful" go along in life--even when there's nothing comfortable about it. If that makes sense then you will likely not be one of the people who is disturbed by the contents of this blog.
Congratulations! Or not.
The Bi-polar American in London
Well, I didn't get far physically or as a tourist today, though the chemist sent my friend home with a few local remedies for the crud we "like" to get once in a while. However, I've enjoyed the hell out of today, drinking "liquids" as we call our drinks when we are ill, and flopped out on the bed-wondering-thinking-praying--and of course, laughing.
My friend made up a remedy for our crud. We sat in the bathroom with the shower running, some eucalyptus powder soothing our swollen sinuses-and then we added marijuana smoke to the mix and well...it was fun. I feel great, but then again, I accepted my state of mind and just enjoyed it anyway--remedy or not.
Yes, I've seen Westminster Abbey, I've ridden across the Tower and London bridges, taken in untold amounts of statues, but you know what sticks with me? The guy in the information booth directing people for the underground "tube" or subway.
"How's it going" I said the familiar phrase I use regularly when I'm home in California. This guy just stared at me. He wanted me to correct it and use the style he was used to hearing. It was a stand off. I knew I did not say it the way he was comfortable, but I thought maybe he would accommodate me.
Not for a second. He stared at me as if I were somehow an idiot, or at least an irritant, but I refused to back down by rephrasing my original greeting. He finally began talking and hardly cared what he was saying. I found my way out even without his help or approval of my language choices.
People are nothing but interesting to me.
Tomorrow we are to fly to Spain so there is another adventure on the way. I'll be back to talk about the things that kept me occupied today. And some old stories came up that are interesting so I'll make sure to post a blog just on bi-polar stories.
I've reflected on the beginnings, the origins of this blog, remembering my brother asking me to "come out" as bi-polar so "he" could feel more comfortable in the world. It's funny, I do these things people ask of me without question.
Okay, I'll expose my whole life and garner a bunch of horrified responses as most of our people are not quite ready to see themselves with such "high def" vision.
It's incredibly painful some of this--emotionally so. I think the reader suffers also. And well you should. lol
I've had the opportunity to lay around listlessly today studying my life. Some may like to meditate, while us bi-polars prefer to vomit our way into good mental health.
In sickness and in health...
I have a construction of the mind that my head hurts, my stomach aches for attention and my viscera swirl with emotion. Ssshhh, don't tell anyone but being sick gives us the time to reflect and look inward. It's a social diversion.
There is still so much resistance to being set free. I guess we as a human race were enjoying being in a trance for eons. But there is definitely a swing in another direction. And thank Scooter, as I was getting really bored. lol
Since I choose not to disconnect from the social structures completely, I have to ride out episodes such as sickness to be allowed my time for deep thought/prayer. I've noted over the years, when I've been in a state of great change, that it disturbs others.
Hence, the title of this post--this will all be disturbing at some point. It is for me. And I graciously accept the challenge. The challenge of living among you who prefer a prefab existence to an actively creative one.
You want to "play your role" on this stage and get on with it. I don't. Yet, I apologize as I don't really mean to make people uncomfortable. Oh hell, it's fun to make people uncomfortable and really some of you have set yourselves up as easy targets. Almost anyone clinging to any sort of bible, Christian or otherwise, have not come to a point of living without a crutch.
If you are hoping that this deep sentiment will save you from discomfort, will enlighten you without having to strip down to your skivvies--then you haven't lived yet!
People who live in glass houses should watch out for my high notes as they will shatter the very foundation you have built your whole life on. lol
Ruff! Ruff!
There are still some people who enjoy the dogma, the rules of life created by others from another time. Okay, if you really need to go ahead and be miserable--have fun.
You won't find me telling you what to believe on this blog. I'll challenge your belief systems, but I won't give you another belief system to replace the old one.
How do you live like that?
Some people have thoroughly questioned my thinking and lifestyle and they appear to believe I have come up "short" somehow. I can feel the pain when others try to fit me into some partitioned box from the rest of the world. I don't fit snugly or neatly into any of your categories--except maybe F5. lol
Here let's be honest and let me tell you what people have labeled me in my life. This is just a partial list starting from my childhood: A brat-- Smart mouth--spoiled--stupid--too smart for my own good--looking for a slap on the mouth--troublemaker--princess--my behavior could "drive Christ down from the cross" (strictly a Catholic thing)--tomboy--I think I'm funny--slob--unreal--who do I think I am anyway--needs attention--a drop out--sickly--hell bent on destruction--gay--straight--different--pain in the ass--impulsive--train wreck--roller coaster--disaster waiting to happen!
There are so many labels that have come my way via the other people in my life. I have my own take on who I've been, but it is sometimes radically different than the way I'm perceived. But it also has to do with who is doing the perceiving.
You can see people have mostly been negative in their interpretations. But on the other side there are those who think of me in a more positive light--people who have accepted me and likely themselves.
Life is served...
No thank you is what I said when the roles were passed around. The roles I preferred to play were more outcast types of stints as I was really quite bored with the way others would think and live. Please understand this is nothing personal, I just like to live it my way. (Yes Frank Sinatra and I)
I'll never forget when my mother bought a picture and hung it on my wall, depicting young blonde, girl, who was somewhat masculine--dressed casually--and the caption read: "You do your thing and I'll do mine."
It seemed like a reasonable deal--I'm doing my thing while you have your freedom too. However, it has come to my attention in the past half a century of life, that rarely do people think that is a good trade. No, they would rather "you do their thing and they will too" and we will all live without fear or differences.
For me and my life, this has been a real challenge to try and maintain my own autonomy while allowing others to remain "comfortable." Now you know how this whole blog started. My sister would tell me that I'm just really co-dependent and need to a attend "meetings."
Fucking I don't care anymore, but you out there in the "other world" will soon. Life is about to challenge the people of this time, past the age of reason, to look at the slippery nature of reality. Woops, I thought I had it!
When language doesn't mean anything--when the signs are not directing you--when there is no trail to follow--no definitive role to play--you will be unsettled, unable to function. If you've thought you've done the "right things" with your life and you will somehow be compensated for your troubles in the afterlife: good luck.
Keep the faith...
I still would like to make that deal with the world, that I'm allowed to do my thing, and everyone else feel free to do yours. One exception: if it has to do with curtailing my choices.
Faith is a practice, an activity, that is employed in life. As many times as I discussed faith with other people or read about it, the true nature of faith is only known by allowing all of the world to be what it is.
I'm learning more and more about faith. Of course, I did ask about it--pray about it--constantly for almost 50 years. I suppose I should know something. Or at least I have some results to analyze.
It's an on-going practice. Let me tell you though, it feels so good--it still gives me chills--when I realize the difference between a construct known as logic and the lack of action that has to do with faith. When I suddenly in the middle of washing the dishes want to go call someone and they say, "wow, I was just thinking about you," I feel so in tune with it all.
No pain, no gain?
For someone so enamored with my painful experiences, it's likely you won't understand that I say it's with ease and comfort that the "faith-ful" go along in life--even when there's nothing comfortable about it. If that makes sense then you will likely not be one of the people who is disturbed by the contents of this blog.
Congratulations! Or not.
The Bi-polar American in London
Well, I didn't get far physically or as a tourist today, though the chemist sent my friend home with a few local remedies for the crud we "like" to get once in a while. However, I've enjoyed the hell out of today, drinking "liquids" as we call our drinks when we are ill, and flopped out on the bed-wondering-thinking-praying--and of course, laughing.
My friend made up a remedy for our crud. We sat in the bathroom with the shower running, some eucalyptus powder soothing our swollen sinuses-and then we added marijuana smoke to the mix and well...it was fun. I feel great, but then again, I accepted my state of mind and just enjoyed it anyway--remedy or not.
Yes, I've seen Westminster Abbey, I've ridden across the Tower and London bridges, taken in untold amounts of statues, but you know what sticks with me? The guy in the information booth directing people for the underground "tube" or subway.
"How's it going" I said the familiar phrase I use regularly when I'm home in California. This guy just stared at me. He wanted me to correct it and use the style he was used to hearing. It was a stand off. I knew I did not say it the way he was comfortable, but I thought maybe he would accommodate me.
Not for a second. He stared at me as if I were somehow an idiot, or at least an irritant, but I refused to back down by rephrasing my original greeting. He finally began talking and hardly cared what he was saying. I found my way out even without his help or approval of my language choices.
People are nothing but interesting to me.
Tomorrow we are to fly to Spain so there is another adventure on the way. I'll be back to talk about the things that kept me occupied today. And some old stories came up that are interesting so I'll make sure to post a blog just on bi-polar stories.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Giving the demagogue my paper route money...
Ronald Reagan revival...
I keep hearing in the media a new trend of comparing current, modern American Republicans to the former President Ronald Reagan as if he has new "clout."
I'm really aghast to remember that I threw my support behind Reagan, the B-movie actor, union representative, all around funny guy, who basically changed the direction of the world.
He was hardly a man without controversy. The press made him out to be a "puppet," or stupid.
There are other words I would "now" use to describe him: ruthless, maybe? Controlling, arrogant, narcissistic, egocentric, etc. you get the idea.
My paper route...
When I was young, about 13, I had income, I had a newspaper route. I was not responsible at all and no one should have ever put me in charge of making sure fucking farmers in Greensburg, Indiana had there precious fucking newspaper every single morning at 5 am.
First of all, by this time, I hardly went to school, only if I wanted to or I woke up on time. So, expecting me to be awake and with newspaper by 5 am was ridiculous.
I had great expectations of making money so I did give this a try--for three years. However, there were no days off. Everyday of my young life was bound to this goddam paper route. Okay, this was hardly my point. Sorry, I'm suffering from a brutal hangover. I'm drinking water this morning, no Sprite. Err, afternoon I mean. Could be the evening. London is Portland with an accent. (If you can believe it, dehydrated as I am, I just made plans with a Londoner to have a few pints. Nice alcoholic life. LOL)
My family would suffer as well...
Since there was no chance I could "deliver" on this promise everyday, I did have to find a way out of this paper delivery nightmare. I trained my sister to be my stand in.
She was the only person insane enough to wake me up at 4 am daily. Really my sister deserves some credit as there are some who know the dangers of waking a bi-polar up early. (or late or at all) We would all haggle at 4 am about money, responsibility--there was a lot of yelling in our house in the wee hours. Usually it was just easier to provide free labor and deliver my papers than to argue with me.
Somehow I managed to eek a living, you know teenage living, ice cream, candy...(porn) that kind of thing.
Jeezus, where am I going with this?
Anyway, also on my list of priorities were political contributions apparently. So, somehow getting back to my initial point, I gave generously to Ronald Reagan for many years, since I was employed in the newspaper delivery business at age 12 to be exact.
Several dollar bills were turned into checks by the parents and sent off to the Reagan campaign. I was a serious voter, though I couldn't vote yet. But I did vote with my money.
I also voted for him as President, second term, my age was a year off the first election. Becoming 18 was for me the year I could become the powerful voter I had only dreamed of. (I know, weird) While others awaited the age to drink, I just wanted to take control of the White House. lol
Those parallels...
Now this part is ironic in some sense, as I had to collect for my route, I had to go to the customer and ask for money. This I did regularly and early.
Thus I discovered the magic potion for more money: ask for it.
What happened was I got caught in the same economic plight as did America under Ronald Reagan. I took money for services rendered in the uncertain future. I suggested, after one customer gave me a payment for six months, that all customers do this.
This way I would have all my money ahead of the game.
Unknowingly, I used "Reagonomics."
Not a good idea.
I learned the hard way when I spent all my money and had no way of getting more money after I set all my customers, or most, on the old six month plan...(not a great plan.)
Ronald Reagan was sort of doing the same thing.We had over extended credit in this country by a long shot. The American dream was being funded by plastic. And there was also egregious government overspending on the "cold war."
For those not familiar with the cold war (and I do not say this facetiously as people are selectively informed--there is far too much information-too many obstacles to knowing fucking everything. I don't remember the content of books I read 20 years ago. So, I'm not being sarcastic here, more understanding.) it was a money burner for this country.
Basically, the former Soviet Union and the United States had nuclear power, and a great weapons stash. We were in a competition, on paper really. Ideologically we had democracy visions versus communism/socialism which were not as diametrically opposed as we think they are. Corruption sees no differences in ideology.
The short version is that we spent money building weapons against each other, money in the trillions. Reagan had his own "Star Wars" plan to trump the Soviets by shooting their weapons out of the sky before they could hit American soil.
"We won!"
As much as I criticize...
I may tell you now that I'm embarrassed to have voted for him. But he played a role in history that needed to be played. He was a tough guy. Or he played the role of a tough guy as he was an actor. He was a great demagogue, he told us what we wanted to hear.
Once again, after WWII, Germany was split into two sides: East Germany and West Germany. There was even a wall to segregate the communists from the rest of the world. These people behind the "iron curtain" would often defect to what we fondly called "our side."
Actually, the truth is there were Americans who also changed their thinking and wanted to be communists. It's the polarities I always refer to. This could have also been called the "bi-polar war" too.
But the US and the media played it up big when a communist would want to leave their own country. We would take these people into our country just for saying they did not want to be a socialist, which is BTW, still a dirty word here in the US.
Compare that to our current immigration policy.
Oh the propaganda...
We lived this crazy ideology--but we did so happily as we used our credit to buy new things or do new things, which kept us distracted. We became overextended as we had no intention of working that hard to pay for all of this...at least now anyway.
Much like my six month plan going bust on me, these same economic, or even philosophical practices were failing the average American.
His focused strengths...
Reagan did hard line these Soviets and in 1989, the wall in Germany was razed to the ground and the country became one again. We gave credit to Reagan for taking down this "awful" government and ending the nuclear threat, as well as reuniting Germany.
But it went back and forth until the likes of Ronald Reagan arrived. This was his destiny to be the last of the Mohicans, a hard ass President who "smack talked" the Soviets to the point the people lost confidence in their government.
He was a bad ass and really did some crazy things to keep the American people enthralled in this competition so he could continue to spend our money on it. Also, keep in mind these were "nukes" we were pointing at each other. These were weapons to kill people and the whole planet.
This President played a critical role in the survival of our species. (hard to admit)
I had dreams...
When I was young I would have nightmares about nuclear weapons, it was a reoccurring thing. Duck and cover never worked in those dreams. The infamous mushroom cloud would rise up and then I'd awake in a sweat.
The things Ronald Reagan did to the Soviets to back them out of our 50 year competition were nothing short of brilliant. But I would not think they belong in this current "era."
I don't think many would think well of a President who was that single minded.
George W. Bush was emulating Reagan, and he fell short in every way. He did manage to spend as much as Reagan-trillions upon trillions though, that's the only comparison.
But Bush's war in Iraq, an unholy war, that never lead to anything good and decent, was so un-Reagan like. Bush never had the resolve of Reagan--the faith-the belief. Bush (whacked) played his role as we all do, but it was one we should be disturbed about and afraid to repeat.
Too long here, but my point is that we play a role in this world no matter who we are. To compare Reagan to anyone of recent is a waste of your breath and energy as there is no comparison.
I would not vote for him now, but yes, he was the answer then.
We as the awakened human race have an obligation to be what this world needs right now. This country would NOT do well under Reagan at this time.
This world definitely needs a real leader, just not one like Reagan. He had his time, he had his place, like everyone/thing else.
So, there you go.
I'm going to get back to hydrating as tomorrow I begin my "bus top" tour of London. And God knows tomorrow will be just another reason to slip into a pub and drink some beer. I'll be hitting the tourist circuit and I promise pictures.
Really, I'm so overwhelmed with everything, (being a fucking foreigner is just what I need, hell every American needs to be a foreigner, we are so damned xenophobic) that I just want to digest it as I go along. But while on the bus cruising around the open spaces, I'll make sure to grab the camera.
As is usual for me, I'm more interested in the people, their perspective, more so than the environment itself. I'll get to it though...
The Bi-polar American in London.
Note: The email version of this story went out before I was done writing it. I'll have to make sure not to hit the publish button before I'm done. So, this story may not be exactly like the other story. If you're really bored compare them.
I keep hearing in the media a new trend of comparing current, modern American Republicans to the former President Ronald Reagan as if he has new "clout."
I'm really aghast to remember that I threw my support behind Reagan, the B-movie actor, union representative, all around funny guy, who basically changed the direction of the world.
He was hardly a man without controversy. The press made him out to be a "puppet," or stupid.
There are other words I would "now" use to describe him: ruthless, maybe? Controlling, arrogant, narcissistic, egocentric, etc. you get the idea.
My paper route...
When I was young, about 13, I had income, I had a newspaper route. I was not responsible at all and no one should have ever put me in charge of making sure fucking farmers in Greensburg, Indiana had there precious fucking newspaper every single morning at 5 am.
First of all, by this time, I hardly went to school, only if I wanted to or I woke up on time. So, expecting me to be awake and with newspaper by 5 am was ridiculous.
I had great expectations of making money so I did give this a try--for three years. However, there were no days off. Everyday of my young life was bound to this goddam paper route. Okay, this was hardly my point. Sorry, I'm suffering from a brutal hangover. I'm drinking water this morning, no Sprite. Err, afternoon I mean. Could be the evening. London is Portland with an accent. (If you can believe it, dehydrated as I am, I just made plans with a Londoner to have a few pints. Nice alcoholic life. LOL)
My family would suffer as well...
Since there was no chance I could "deliver" on this promise everyday, I did have to find a way out of this paper delivery nightmare. I trained my sister to be my stand in.
She was the only person insane enough to wake me up at 4 am daily. Really my sister deserves some credit as there are some who know the dangers of waking a bi-polar up early. (or late or at all) We would all haggle at 4 am about money, responsibility--there was a lot of yelling in our house in the wee hours. Usually it was just easier to provide free labor and deliver my papers than to argue with me.
Somehow I managed to eek a living, you know teenage living, ice cream, candy...(porn) that kind of thing.
Jeezus, where am I going with this?
Anyway, also on my list of priorities were political contributions apparently. So, somehow getting back to my initial point, I gave generously to Ronald Reagan for many years, since I was employed in the newspaper delivery business at age 12 to be exact.
Several dollar bills were turned into checks by the parents and sent off to the Reagan campaign. I was a serious voter, though I couldn't vote yet. But I did vote with my money.
I also voted for him as President, second term, my age was a year off the first election. Becoming 18 was for me the year I could become the powerful voter I had only dreamed of. (I know, weird) While others awaited the age to drink, I just wanted to take control of the White House. lol
Those parallels...
Now this part is ironic in some sense, as I had to collect for my route, I had to go to the customer and ask for money. This I did regularly and early.
Thus I discovered the magic potion for more money: ask for it.
What happened was I got caught in the same economic plight as did America under Ronald Reagan. I took money for services rendered in the uncertain future. I suggested, after one customer gave me a payment for six months, that all customers do this.
This way I would have all my money ahead of the game.
Unknowingly, I used "Reagonomics."
Not a good idea.
I learned the hard way when I spent all my money and had no way of getting more money after I set all my customers, or most, on the old six month plan...(not a great plan.)
Ronald Reagan was sort of doing the same thing.We had over extended credit in this country by a long shot. The American dream was being funded by plastic. And there was also egregious government overspending on the "cold war."
For those not familiar with the cold war (and I do not say this facetiously as people are selectively informed--there is far too much information-too many obstacles to knowing fucking everything. I don't remember the content of books I read 20 years ago. So, I'm not being sarcastic here, more understanding.) it was a money burner for this country.
Basically, the former Soviet Union and the United States had nuclear power, and a great weapons stash. We were in a competition, on paper really. Ideologically we had democracy visions versus communism/socialism which were not as diametrically opposed as we think they are. Corruption sees no differences in ideology.
The short version is that we spent money building weapons against each other, money in the trillions. Reagan had his own "Star Wars" plan to trump the Soviets by shooting their weapons out of the sky before they could hit American soil.
"We won!"
As much as I criticize...
I may tell you now that I'm embarrassed to have voted for him. But he played a role in history that needed to be played. He was a tough guy. Or he played the role of a tough guy as he was an actor. He was a great demagogue, he told us what we wanted to hear.
Once again, after WWII, Germany was split into two sides: East Germany and West Germany. There was even a wall to segregate the communists from the rest of the world. These people behind the "iron curtain" would often defect to what we fondly called "our side."
Actually, the truth is there were Americans who also changed their thinking and wanted to be communists. It's the polarities I always refer to. This could have also been called the "bi-polar war" too.
But the US and the media played it up big when a communist would want to leave their own country. We would take these people into our country just for saying they did not want to be a socialist, which is BTW, still a dirty word here in the US.
Compare that to our current immigration policy.
Oh the propaganda...
We lived this crazy ideology--but we did so happily as we used our credit to buy new things or do new things, which kept us distracted. We became overextended as we had no intention of working that hard to pay for all of this...at least now anyway.
Much like my six month plan going bust on me, these same economic, or even philosophical practices were failing the average American.
His focused strengths...
Reagan did hard line these Soviets and in 1989, the wall in Germany was razed to the ground and the country became one again. We gave credit to Reagan for taking down this "awful" government and ending the nuclear threat, as well as reuniting Germany.
But it went back and forth until the likes of Ronald Reagan arrived. This was his destiny to be the last of the Mohicans, a hard ass President who "smack talked" the Soviets to the point the people lost confidence in their government.
He was a bad ass and really did some crazy things to keep the American people enthralled in this competition so he could continue to spend our money on it. Also, keep in mind these were "nukes" we were pointing at each other. These were weapons to kill people and the whole planet.
This President played a critical role in the survival of our species. (hard to admit)
I had dreams...
When I was young I would have nightmares about nuclear weapons, it was a reoccurring thing. Duck and cover never worked in those dreams. The infamous mushroom cloud would rise up and then I'd awake in a sweat.
The things Ronald Reagan did to the Soviets to back them out of our 50 year competition were nothing short of brilliant. But I would not think they belong in this current "era."
I don't think many would think well of a President who was that single minded.
George W. Bush was emulating Reagan, and he fell short in every way. He did manage to spend as much as Reagan-trillions upon trillions though, that's the only comparison.
But Bush's war in Iraq, an unholy war, that never lead to anything good and decent, was so un-Reagan like. Bush never had the resolve of Reagan--the faith-the belief. Bush (whacked) played his role as we all do, but it was one we should be disturbed about and afraid to repeat.
Too long here, but my point is that we play a role in this world no matter who we are. To compare Reagan to anyone of recent is a waste of your breath and energy as there is no comparison.
I would not vote for him now, but yes, he was the answer then.
We as the awakened human race have an obligation to be what this world needs right now. This country would NOT do well under Reagan at this time.
This world definitely needs a real leader, just not one like Reagan. He had his time, he had his place, like everyone/thing else.
So, there you go.
I'm going to get back to hydrating as tomorrow I begin my "bus top" tour of London. And God knows tomorrow will be just another reason to slip into a pub and drink some beer. I'll be hitting the tourist circuit and I promise pictures.
Really, I'm so overwhelmed with everything, (being a fucking foreigner is just what I need, hell every American needs to be a foreigner, we are so damned xenophobic) that I just want to digest it as I go along. But while on the bus cruising around the open spaces, I'll make sure to grab the camera.
As is usual for me, I'm more interested in the people, their perspective, more so than the environment itself. I'll get to it though...
The Bi-polar American in London.
Note: The email version of this story went out before I was done writing it. I'll have to make sure not to hit the publish button before I'm done. So, this story may not be exactly like the other story. If you're really bored compare them.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tripping to London
I sure know how to create anxiety...
Today, I woke up with a familiar friend I have not seen in a while: fear. It's really just some anxiety I created by lagging behind on getting ready for my trip to London...next week. (Gulp!)
After I finally settled into the fact that my sleep ended at 5:30 am and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it, I started thinking about my cousin.
She's in the middle of a situation, we like to call it in this family. A "situation" means we probably made a decision to go forward with an unpopular idea. In this case it is work related, therefore tied to her survival and scaring the hell out of her.
My cousin told me the other night that she and I are alike in that we believe in justice. I suppose that could be rephrased in that we believe in some loosely drawn concept we enjoy calling justice. It might be a balancing out of things that we are doing. Maybe just some OCD which could be cleared up with some Paxil. (massive sarcastic moment)
I thought I'd call you...
Because any regular reader of this blog knows I'm fucking obsessed with justice, even if I don't really believe in it in the strictest of senses, my cousin chose to call on me because of my mythology.
After finally committing to her task, getting past the fear, she stood up to an oppressor, let's call the situation. That's a great thing in my world. It's necessary to make the bi-polar world more in harmony. Oppression simply sucks. It maybe titillating for the person in charge to do unpleasant things to and around you expecting always your cooperation as you do want to feed your family and pay those bills every month.
I'm alone in this...
My cousin and I are pretty much alone in our view that this was the correct decision to make. Her husband is truly supportive, but the family has to put it's two cents in too. They made a visit last night probably making my cousin more nervous than necessary.
So, my cousin and I have a history it's been a good one. The problem started when I got Grave's disease and the insomnia began.
My cousin and I had been living together for a few years. We were used to each other to say the least. Recently we laughed about a fight we had when she tried to BBQ in the garage. It's a long story, it had to do with cats and fumes, but it ended in bi-polar fisticuffs. Nobody was hurt!
We had worked thru many fights over the years, but when I went "sleepless in Santa Maria" I was truly an unpleasant person. I was unable to convey to my cousin what was going on since I didn't know what was happening and only would be diagnosed a year later.
But I was a bitch, she was not happy I was leaving, so things got out of hand and she would not talk to me for ten years.
LOL.
Ten years, otherwise known as a decade, a tenth of a century, was the amount of time necessary for her to forgive me for my negativity and insanity. Though it was not at all personal to her, she felt it was and that's what happened.
I told her to make sure and tell me if I say anything extreme that may cause her to want to cease contact with me for another ten years. We laughed but it does show you how stubborn this person is. It's hilarious to me, but I really, really missed her.
I missed hearing her laugh, she's got a great--loud, wonderful laugh and for ten years I missed hearing it. So, when I finally wormed my way back into her life, I was so happy to hear that laugh again. I won't take any chances that I piss her off. LOL
Made a quick call...
As soon as it struck me that she is facing a meeting this Monday morning I called to make sure she was okay. I did not have a lot of advice to give, it's more I told her to stay in touch with how she feels about it. Tune into her power, her intuition.
One device to do this is to ask yourself "do I feel comfortable or good about this?" While she is meeting with the human resources department, I simply suggested she make sure all decisions are being made with the best possible contact with her own intuition. If she feels uncomfortable then she may want to think about any decision before she makes one.
We all should make sure we are siding with our own best decision making power which comes from intuitive types of practices like checking on your level of comfort. When people are lying, in discomfort, uneasy, it's simple to tell by looking at them. I recommended to my cousin to continue to remember the only "real" moments are in the now, the rest is the past or some uncreated future. And in the now it's easy to stay with the program and make decisions that flow with the moments.
"I'm not comfortable with that" is easy enough to say when you're feeling pressured into something that doesn't "sound right." In this case, she's meeting new people who are about to make a decision in her life that will change probably how she feels about herself, along with her financial security. So, there's some pressure here. That's why I made sure to call and act silly, to take her mind off the worst case scenario, and hope for a positive outcome.
As I told her and I tell myself, enjoy all the events of life. She can't take back her decision to move forward on the oppressor, but she can make the most of the ride!
My prayers, the prayers of a real ball busting bitch I might add, consist of that my cousin prevails and kicks some of the negative shit out so that life has a chance! Let in more light everyday and you won't be sorry.
Here's to the justice seekers: May you have a prosperous day and may you prevail! Laura Hart (kicks ass--takes no prisoners)
Back to packing for London. Geez! I have to pack two coats for the weather. I suppose I should take my "red coat." Ha ha.
Today, I woke up with a familiar friend I have not seen in a while: fear. It's really just some anxiety I created by lagging behind on getting ready for my trip to London...next week. (Gulp!)
After I finally settled into the fact that my sleep ended at 5:30 am and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it, I started thinking about my cousin.
She's in the middle of a situation, we like to call it in this family. A "situation" means we probably made a decision to go forward with an unpopular idea. In this case it is work related, therefore tied to her survival and scaring the hell out of her.
My cousin told me the other night that she and I are alike in that we believe in justice. I suppose that could be rephrased in that we believe in some loosely drawn concept we enjoy calling justice. It might be a balancing out of things that we are doing. Maybe just some OCD which could be cleared up with some Paxil. (massive sarcastic moment)
I thought I'd call you...
Because any regular reader of this blog knows I'm fucking obsessed with justice, even if I don't really believe in it in the strictest of senses, my cousin chose to call on me because of my mythology.
After finally committing to her task, getting past the fear, she stood up to an oppressor, let's call the situation. That's a great thing in my world. It's necessary to make the bi-polar world more in harmony. Oppression simply sucks. It maybe titillating for the person in charge to do unpleasant things to and around you expecting always your cooperation as you do want to feed your family and pay those bills every month.
I'm alone in this...
My cousin and I are pretty much alone in our view that this was the correct decision to make. Her husband is truly supportive, but the family has to put it's two cents in too. They made a visit last night probably making my cousin more nervous than necessary.
So, my cousin and I have a history it's been a good one. The problem started when I got Grave's disease and the insomnia began.
My cousin and I had been living together for a few years. We were used to each other to say the least. Recently we laughed about a fight we had when she tried to BBQ in the garage. It's a long story, it had to do with cats and fumes, but it ended in bi-polar fisticuffs. Nobody was hurt!
We had worked thru many fights over the years, but when I went "sleepless in Santa Maria" I was truly an unpleasant person. I was unable to convey to my cousin what was going on since I didn't know what was happening and only would be diagnosed a year later.
But I was a bitch, she was not happy I was leaving, so things got out of hand and she would not talk to me for ten years.
LOL.
Ten years, otherwise known as a decade, a tenth of a century, was the amount of time necessary for her to forgive me for my negativity and insanity. Though it was not at all personal to her, she felt it was and that's what happened.
I told her to make sure and tell me if I say anything extreme that may cause her to want to cease contact with me for another ten years. We laughed but it does show you how stubborn this person is. It's hilarious to me, but I really, really missed her.
I missed hearing her laugh, she's got a great--loud, wonderful laugh and for ten years I missed hearing it. So, when I finally wormed my way back into her life, I was so happy to hear that laugh again. I won't take any chances that I piss her off. LOL
Made a quick call...
As soon as it struck me that she is facing a meeting this Monday morning I called to make sure she was okay. I did not have a lot of advice to give, it's more I told her to stay in touch with how she feels about it. Tune into her power, her intuition.
One device to do this is to ask yourself "do I feel comfortable or good about this?" While she is meeting with the human resources department, I simply suggested she make sure all decisions are being made with the best possible contact with her own intuition. If she feels uncomfortable then she may want to think about any decision before she makes one.
We all should make sure we are siding with our own best decision making power which comes from intuitive types of practices like checking on your level of comfort. When people are lying, in discomfort, uneasy, it's simple to tell by looking at them. I recommended to my cousin to continue to remember the only "real" moments are in the now, the rest is the past or some uncreated future. And in the now it's easy to stay with the program and make decisions that flow with the moments.
"I'm not comfortable with that" is easy enough to say when you're feeling pressured into something that doesn't "sound right." In this case, she's meeting new people who are about to make a decision in her life that will change probably how she feels about herself, along with her financial security. So, there's some pressure here. That's why I made sure to call and act silly, to take her mind off the worst case scenario, and hope for a positive outcome.
As I told her and I tell myself, enjoy all the events of life. She can't take back her decision to move forward on the oppressor, but she can make the most of the ride!
My prayers, the prayers of a real ball busting bitch I might add, consist of that my cousin prevails and kicks some of the negative shit out so that life has a chance! Let in more light everyday and you won't be sorry.
Here's to the justice seekers: May you have a prosperous day and may you prevail! Laura Hart (kicks ass--takes no prisoners)
Back to packing for London. Geez! I have to pack two coats for the weather. I suppose I should take my "red coat." Ha ha.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Consuming the American dollar: Corporate greed...
For a few dollars more...
Corporate America seems to be successfully pilfering money from the American consumer while the consumer does not have much in the way of recourse against this type of practice.
Let me give you some personal examples of my dealings with utility and internet companies. It's not pretty, please remove all youngsters from the room.
We can start with the richest bastard company which began it's business life by stealing from others: Microsoft. I think it's now urban legend that the ugly stepbrother, Bill Gates, stole the holy grail from Apple founder, Steve Jobs.
Apple and Jobs began a rampage on the industry with the ipod and iphones, but were shortly criticized as they began manufacturing their much sought after products in China.
So, no one in this incredible technological corporate fiasco ever thought about us, the American consumer. Oh, maybe they thought of reducing the price so more children could have phones pressed to their ears and games on the go, and mommy needs a moment to reduce stress with "Angry Birds." But they were not thinking of how this throw away technology was going to effect the consumer or even the sacred "mother earth."
Microsoft successfully fought off anti-trust lawsuits, have monopolized the software industry, and continue to allow bugs in their programs while they offer new products rather than fix the old ones, such as my nemesis, MSN.
It was a stormy night...
I had finally gotten aboard our local what I call "higher speed than regular mail" internet service when I was suddenly called away. When I returned, I could not get the service, it was full, it was Mediacom. The cable company had sold too many slots and the internet was not running at "advertised speeds" and they therefore had to reduce their customer base, of which I was one.
However, during this time, Mediacom received a grant for 90 million dollars to bring a fiber optic cable linking our insular area to the rest of the world. It was supposed to be complete by 2011, now coming to you from early 2012. The last update I can see shows a vague plan and some promises of hearing back from Cal trans. Ninety million dollars later and I have to wonder.
So, there was little in the way of options out here in Weldon (or as I call it--Well done) California, and I went back to MSN dial up.
It was a dark day when I called to the "unknown source" or otherwise known as Microsoft customer service. I had hit an all time low, calling and asking them to resume my dial up service.
No jobs...
As I spoke to the woman with the thick Indian accent I realized that Microsoft had yanked jobs from this country, the country which allows this monopoly called Microsoft to carry on it's illegal operations, on a daily basis. In return we can expect inferior products, service, and an obvious disregard for our customer base.
Example: I began using MSN dial up in 2002, and was sort of happy with it way back when. If there was a problem, a customer service representative was quick to resolve the problem, and often would opt to give a free month for my trouble.
Compare that to the nightmare which took place in the last two years. First, MSN did not care that I had been a "long term" customer, since 2002.
They have no regard for the old idea of "return customers." While Bill Gates goes around flaunting his wealth and potentially his guilty conscience, with this philanthropic endeavor he and buddy, Bill Clinton are up to, we the consumer of his crappy products must endure long hours speaking to inferior customer service reps.
I wanted to kill them...
The craziness that ensued once I installed MSN onto my new laptop and a desk top was one I will never forget. There had to be a virus, I do believe that. And I do believe the virus was MSN itself. The software was flawed and ruining the reliability of all my computers.
The software crashed my blogs, my videos, and I lost days worth of work at a time.
I kept calling and each time they would try to find something to blame on me, rather than their own product, (yes, the problem was ALL the computers but not their software) so nothing was ever resolved.
And I went nuts. After so many calls I could no longer control myself and likely these foreign customer service reps did not know exactly what "mutherfuckingidiotmachine" really meant. It wasn't personal, at least on my end.
But I do take it personally that Bill Gates, Microsoft Corporation, allowed MSN to charge $13.95 a month and adding that to the psychological help required of someone so distraught, it was a costly ordeal.
The last ditch effort...
Recently, I contacted the corporate office of Microsoft and had the opportunity to chat with...the fucking operator. Great! Real fucking nice for her and me.
She gingerly tried to direct me to customer service and really, had she done this, I would have been on a fucking plane to Seattle. However, she was good at reading psychosis and simply told me I would have to WRITE to Microsoft via email and gave me the address.
Honestly, I have not had time to write to them, but this is what I'm going to ask for: I want my money back. And then I'll add: "You're a rich fucking corporation and not only did you sell me an inferior product, but you sold it for too much, it caused major problems on my computers, I lost time and work product, and I went fucking crazy!"
What do you think they will say?
Okay, I'm going to write and ask for my money back and report back as to what they say. But look at it this way, they took approximately $14 a month for two years, which amounts to $336.
If they manage to aggravate others like me and still get away with charging for it, they could have millions for nothing but shitty fucked up service. And that's the American way.
Microsoft isn't alone...
This big bully of corporate America is not alone in these scams to grab a few pennies more. If you're a company with millions of customers, such as another friend, Verizon (big story here, coming soon), and you charge a little extra without the customer's knowledge, why you have a scam.
Last year I happen to call Verizon to find out if they had a different phone package and what the cost would be. I had been on this particular package for eight years and I figured it was time to upgrade.
The Verizon Rep was friendly and in the middle of giving me all the options, she asks me if I still call Canada. I told her I never did call Canada, and why was she asking.
She quickly pulled up my account and said I would now save $5 a month by taking the Call Canada feature off the package. Of course, I thanked her for the consideration, but then questioned the whole deal.
"For eight years I've paid $5 a month to call Canada, which I don't call, and you are now telling me I'm SAVING money? How about giving me the money back you took for eight years?"
She laughed like I was joking or something. I told her I meant it, I wanted my money back. I'm not here to donate my fucking money to Verizon...are YOU?
Needless to say I never got a dime or a straight answer. But imagine that Verizon is making money for doing nothing but setting up services which are unnecessary and costly. This is no mistake my friends, this is corporate America and you will lose money daily if you don't watch out for these practices.
What can we do?
Aye, there's the rub, what can we do when a federal government, a state government are so impotent and weak they do not protect the consumer. Watchdogs have been euthanized as these corporations are allowed to nickel and dime us to death.
Look what is happening, no one cares if we are "returning customers" or "long time" customers, they take us all for granted.
In the case of Verizon where I have no other choice as to who is my phone carrier, they have an even greater leverage and do not have to do anything, such as provide me with the services I need at a fair rate. Is that not something I should expect?
Scams and more scams...
It's rampant, this lack of business sense, and it's causing businesses to believe they can do anything to the consumer with little recourse.
With the advent of corporations eating up other corporations, leaving consumers with little or no choices, such as with satellite TV. We now are down to two, (at least we have two I guess unlike with Microsoft) Directv and Dish. They cost approximately the same, they have pretty much the same programming, and God help those who try to get reparations or hold them to their side of the contracts they like tying us up in for a couple years.
I had them put my TV service on vacation hold as I was not watching any television and paying $75 a month. My preference is work over the boob tube, so I thought this would save me a few bucks. Six months later I called Directv to begin service again, and apparently they already had. Because I assumed it was off, I never tested it, and suddenly I had a bill for five months of service with the threat they would "cut me off."
They are fucking stupid really as I explained, I don't watch TV, and told them to "go ahead." I plan on never paying those bastards.
Why?
My normal attitude is to pay the bills and get it out of the way. In this case, Directv insisted they were right. I even asked for the "recording" of our phone call. I told them every time I call there's a threat that the call will be recorded, so I want to fucking hear it. No.
So, they record our calls for what reason?
As you can see there are problems for consumers and no solutions. Try your state agencies and see what happens.
Construction gone wild? Call the state and find out if the company has a license. If they do, well, there's no guarantee.
Small claims court...
Another place to take consumer complaints is your local small claims court. This is where you get to make your case in front of an objective party, a judge. Not a bad deal as consumers get a pretty much fair opportunity to explain what happened.
Where things get difficult is in the higher courts when attorneys are present. I'm not just going to rag on attorneys, but on the system that allows class action lawsuits which pretty much feed the lawyer but not the law. That could be reformed and fast in my opinion.
I'm sure if an attorney were so inclined they could trace some of these overcharges such as what Verizon did to me to other consumers and potentially bring about a lawsuit against this megagiant corporation. And this could very well happen some day as more and more complaints filter into the government agencies and small claims courts, that it catches the attention of hungry law firms.
That's no guarantee that we will never see a scam from Verizon, I am sure they will find a way to add a few more pennies to each bill and make some more profit. It's just the way it is, and we should accept it?
Rate payers group...
The state agency which is supposed to reflect the needs of the consumer in a Public Utilities Commission rate hike request, the rate payers group, did something interesting a few years ago when our local water company cried poor and in need of more money.
Cal Water company was able to garner a rate increase in a novel way: the hike was passed along to other consumers. The state rate payers group decided if Cal Water needed more money and the PUC was going to give it, they would somehow get this money, just not at the "expense" of only the local consumers.
The rate payers group allowed Cal Water to add a penny onto the bills of other customers outside the area which would be liable for the whole increase.
By the way, the cause of the increase was a federal law decreasing the amount of "allowable" arsenic in the water. Cal Water put the blame on the government for changing this percentage on them.
I personally told them at the public sham of a meeting about the increase, that they were the ones who decided to go into the water business. I didn't tell them to do it and the government made no promises either. So, why were there stockholders receiving dividends while their hands were out for literally what should be called "a local bail out."
In the end, there are pennies turning into millions, and I'm sure people out there are unaware of the way corporate America with the blessing of the government takes our money with no recourse each and every day.
Welcome to "Scamerica" land of the unholy dollar. Welcome to the United States of Corporate America. Be careful your hard earned dollars can and often do fall into the hands of unscrupulous businesses.
But since I never give up, I'll be hounding these dogs until I get my money back. Update soon....Have a great day and watch your pennies as they turn into corporate dollars. Laura Hart
Corporate America seems to be successfully pilfering money from the American consumer while the consumer does not have much in the way of recourse against this type of practice.
Let me give you some personal examples of my dealings with utility and internet companies. It's not pretty, please remove all youngsters from the room.
We can start with the richest bastard company which began it's business life by stealing from others: Microsoft. I think it's now urban legend that the ugly stepbrother, Bill Gates, stole the holy grail from Apple founder, Steve Jobs.
Apple and Jobs began a rampage on the industry with the ipod and iphones, but were shortly criticized as they began manufacturing their much sought after products in China.
So, no one in this incredible technological corporate fiasco ever thought about us, the American consumer. Oh, maybe they thought of reducing the price so more children could have phones pressed to their ears and games on the go, and mommy needs a moment to reduce stress with "Angry Birds." But they were not thinking of how this throw away technology was going to effect the consumer or even the sacred "mother earth."
Microsoft successfully fought off anti-trust lawsuits, have monopolized the software industry, and continue to allow bugs in their programs while they offer new products rather than fix the old ones, such as my nemesis, MSN.
It was a stormy night...
I had finally gotten aboard our local what I call "higher speed than regular mail" internet service when I was suddenly called away. When I returned, I could not get the service, it was full, it was Mediacom. The cable company had sold too many slots and the internet was not running at "advertised speeds" and they therefore had to reduce their customer base, of which I was one.
However, during this time, Mediacom received a grant for 90 million dollars to bring a fiber optic cable linking our insular area to the rest of the world. It was supposed to be complete by 2011, now coming to you from early 2012. The last update I can see shows a vague plan and some promises of hearing back from Cal trans. Ninety million dollars later and I have to wonder.
So, there was little in the way of options out here in Weldon (or as I call it--Well done) California, and I went back to MSN dial up.
It was a dark day when I called to the "unknown source" or otherwise known as Microsoft customer service. I had hit an all time low, calling and asking them to resume my dial up service.
No jobs...
As I spoke to the woman with the thick Indian accent I realized that Microsoft had yanked jobs from this country, the country which allows this monopoly called Microsoft to carry on it's illegal operations, on a daily basis. In return we can expect inferior products, service, and an obvious disregard for our customer base.
Example: I began using MSN dial up in 2002, and was sort of happy with it way back when. If there was a problem, a customer service representative was quick to resolve the problem, and often would opt to give a free month for my trouble.
Compare that to the nightmare which took place in the last two years. First, MSN did not care that I had been a "long term" customer, since 2002.
They have no regard for the old idea of "return customers." While Bill Gates goes around flaunting his wealth and potentially his guilty conscience, with this philanthropic endeavor he and buddy, Bill Clinton are up to, we the consumer of his crappy products must endure long hours speaking to inferior customer service reps.
I wanted to kill them...
The craziness that ensued once I installed MSN onto my new laptop and a desk top was one I will never forget. There had to be a virus, I do believe that. And I do believe the virus was MSN itself. The software was flawed and ruining the reliability of all my computers.
The software crashed my blogs, my videos, and I lost days worth of work at a time.
I kept calling and each time they would try to find something to blame on me, rather than their own product, (yes, the problem was ALL the computers but not their software) so nothing was ever resolved.
And I went nuts. After so many calls I could no longer control myself and likely these foreign customer service reps did not know exactly what "mutherfuckingidiotmachine" really meant. It wasn't personal, at least on my end.
But I do take it personally that Bill Gates, Microsoft Corporation, allowed MSN to charge $13.95 a month and adding that to the psychological help required of someone so distraught, it was a costly ordeal.
The last ditch effort...
Recently, I contacted the corporate office of Microsoft and had the opportunity to chat with...the fucking operator. Great! Real fucking nice for her and me.
She gingerly tried to direct me to customer service and really, had she done this, I would have been on a fucking plane to Seattle. However, she was good at reading psychosis and simply told me I would have to WRITE to Microsoft via email and gave me the address.
Honestly, I have not had time to write to them, but this is what I'm going to ask for: I want my money back. And then I'll add: "You're a rich fucking corporation and not only did you sell me an inferior product, but you sold it for too much, it caused major problems on my computers, I lost time and work product, and I went fucking crazy!"
What do you think they will say?
Okay, I'm going to write and ask for my money back and report back as to what they say. But look at it this way, they took approximately $14 a month for two years, which amounts to $336.
If they manage to aggravate others like me and still get away with charging for it, they could have millions for nothing but shitty fucked up service. And that's the American way.
Microsoft isn't alone...
This big bully of corporate America is not alone in these scams to grab a few pennies more. If you're a company with millions of customers, such as another friend, Verizon (big story here, coming soon), and you charge a little extra without the customer's knowledge, why you have a scam.
Last year I happen to call Verizon to find out if they had a different phone package and what the cost would be. I had been on this particular package for eight years and I figured it was time to upgrade.
The Verizon Rep was friendly and in the middle of giving me all the options, she asks me if I still call Canada. I told her I never did call Canada, and why was she asking.
She quickly pulled up my account and said I would now save $5 a month by taking the Call Canada feature off the package. Of course, I thanked her for the consideration, but then questioned the whole deal.
"For eight years I've paid $5 a month to call Canada, which I don't call, and you are now telling me I'm SAVING money? How about giving me the money back you took for eight years?"
She laughed like I was joking or something. I told her I meant it, I wanted my money back. I'm not here to donate my fucking money to Verizon...are YOU?
Needless to say I never got a dime or a straight answer. But imagine that Verizon is making money for doing nothing but setting up services which are unnecessary and costly. This is no mistake my friends, this is corporate America and you will lose money daily if you don't watch out for these practices.
What can we do?
Aye, there's the rub, what can we do when a federal government, a state government are so impotent and weak they do not protect the consumer. Watchdogs have been euthanized as these corporations are allowed to nickel and dime us to death.
Look what is happening, no one cares if we are "returning customers" or "long time" customers, they take us all for granted.
In the case of Verizon where I have no other choice as to who is my phone carrier, they have an even greater leverage and do not have to do anything, such as provide me with the services I need at a fair rate. Is that not something I should expect?
Scams and more scams...
It's rampant, this lack of business sense, and it's causing businesses to believe they can do anything to the consumer with little recourse.
With the advent of corporations eating up other corporations, leaving consumers with little or no choices, such as with satellite TV. We now are down to two, (at least we have two I guess unlike with Microsoft) Directv and Dish. They cost approximately the same, they have pretty much the same programming, and God help those who try to get reparations or hold them to their side of the contracts they like tying us up in for a couple years.
I had them put my TV service on vacation hold as I was not watching any television and paying $75 a month. My preference is work over the boob tube, so I thought this would save me a few bucks. Six months later I called Directv to begin service again, and apparently they already had. Because I assumed it was off, I never tested it, and suddenly I had a bill for five months of service with the threat they would "cut me off."
They are fucking stupid really as I explained, I don't watch TV, and told them to "go ahead." I plan on never paying those bastards.
Why?
My normal attitude is to pay the bills and get it out of the way. In this case, Directv insisted they were right. I even asked for the "recording" of our phone call. I told them every time I call there's a threat that the call will be recorded, so I want to fucking hear it. No.
So, they record our calls for what reason?
As you can see there are problems for consumers and no solutions. Try your state agencies and see what happens.
Construction gone wild? Call the state and find out if the company has a license. If they do, well, there's no guarantee.
Small claims court...
Another place to take consumer complaints is your local small claims court. This is where you get to make your case in front of an objective party, a judge. Not a bad deal as consumers get a pretty much fair opportunity to explain what happened.
Where things get difficult is in the higher courts when attorneys are present. I'm not just going to rag on attorneys, but on the system that allows class action lawsuits which pretty much feed the lawyer but not the law. That could be reformed and fast in my opinion.
I'm sure if an attorney were so inclined they could trace some of these overcharges such as what Verizon did to me to other consumers and potentially bring about a lawsuit against this megagiant corporation. And this could very well happen some day as more and more complaints filter into the government agencies and small claims courts, that it catches the attention of hungry law firms.
That's no guarantee that we will never see a scam from Verizon, I am sure they will find a way to add a few more pennies to each bill and make some more profit. It's just the way it is, and we should accept it?
Rate payers group...
The state agency which is supposed to reflect the needs of the consumer in a Public Utilities Commission rate hike request, the rate payers group, did something interesting a few years ago when our local water company cried poor and in need of more money.
Cal Water company was able to garner a rate increase in a novel way: the hike was passed along to other consumers. The state rate payers group decided if Cal Water needed more money and the PUC was going to give it, they would somehow get this money, just not at the "expense" of only the local consumers.
The rate payers group allowed Cal Water to add a penny onto the bills of other customers outside the area which would be liable for the whole increase.
By the way, the cause of the increase was a federal law decreasing the amount of "allowable" arsenic in the water. Cal Water put the blame on the government for changing this percentage on them.
I personally told them at the public sham of a meeting about the increase, that they were the ones who decided to go into the water business. I didn't tell them to do it and the government made no promises either. So, why were there stockholders receiving dividends while their hands were out for literally what should be called "a local bail out."
In the end, there are pennies turning into millions, and I'm sure people out there are unaware of the way corporate America with the blessing of the government takes our money with no recourse each and every day.
Welcome to "Scamerica" land of the unholy dollar. Welcome to the United States of Corporate America. Be careful your hard earned dollars can and often do fall into the hands of unscrupulous businesses.
But since I never give up, I'll be hounding these dogs until I get my money back. Update soon....Have a great day and watch your pennies as they turn into corporate dollars. Laura Hart
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Bi-Polar American in London...
We finally did it!
I was not in a good mood this morning at all. After a rough night of sleepless tossing and turning, I realized I was out of parrot mix. Well, there was a bit left, but with none of the goodies Sky enjoys. The dismal look on my parrot's face was enough to get me dressed and out the door.
I pulled into the parking lot and shock set in as I looked at the gas sign and the prices seemed to be, well, not real. Then one of the employees came out and was actually raising the prices right in front of me. It was like madness, the instant understanding that we are now really heading down this painful path, here in this country and around the world.
Not that any of this should really shock us, but I guess attempting to be in denial like others around me, those in the media, definitely government types, didn't last as I'm not really into watching my fellow American's suffer unnecessarily.
Yeah, real good mood, then thankfully, my good friend called, it was time to make the flight arrangements for my trip to Europe. For the sake of simplicity, I'm calling this trip, "A Bi-polar American in London."
We sorted out the dates, as my friend is thorough, a detail freak, and now I'm supposed to be making a copy of my passport for her and for me. Damn, too much to do. I now am on count down as it's just over two weeks until I depart.
This morning, I would have stormed out of my country, really despondent that I am watching America throw it's most vulnerable under the bus.
Now, I'm curious. I'm really interested in the perspective of being away from this country for a while. I will NEVER give up on this nation, I think all in all, there are really incredible people here. Some beautiful minds. Our culture, if you can call it that, has become one of competition and business. Everything is for sale here. Your principles, your honesty-self respect?
The American dream does not remain intact. Why? Because a decent person would be hard put to consider success something you do alone.
More on the trip and the ideas...Have a great day in spite of political folly and horrendous greed. Laura Hart
I was not in a good mood this morning at all. After a rough night of sleepless tossing and turning, I realized I was out of parrot mix. Well, there was a bit left, but with none of the goodies Sky enjoys. The dismal look on my parrot's face was enough to get me dressed and out the door.
I pulled into the parking lot and shock set in as I looked at the gas sign and the prices seemed to be, well, not real. Then one of the employees came out and was actually raising the prices right in front of me. It was like madness, the instant understanding that we are now really heading down this painful path, here in this country and around the world.
Not that any of this should really shock us, but I guess attempting to be in denial like others around me, those in the media, definitely government types, didn't last as I'm not really into watching my fellow American's suffer unnecessarily.
Yeah, real good mood, then thankfully, my good friend called, it was time to make the flight arrangements for my trip to Europe. For the sake of simplicity, I'm calling this trip, "A Bi-polar American in London."
We sorted out the dates, as my friend is thorough, a detail freak, and now I'm supposed to be making a copy of my passport for her and for me. Damn, too much to do. I now am on count down as it's just over two weeks until I depart.
This morning, I would have stormed out of my country, really despondent that I am watching America throw it's most vulnerable under the bus.
Now, I'm curious. I'm really interested in the perspective of being away from this country for a while. I will NEVER give up on this nation, I think all in all, there are really incredible people here. Some beautiful minds. Our culture, if you can call it that, has become one of competition and business. Everything is for sale here. Your principles, your honesty-self respect?
The American dream does not remain intact. Why? Because a decent person would be hard put to consider success something you do alone.
More on the trip and the ideas...Have a great day in spite of political folly and horrendous greed. Laura Hart
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Dogs of Whiskey Flats 2012: Walter and the "Flat dogs"
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| Walter is getting ready to go for a stroll through our annual "Whiskey Flat Days" in Kernville, CA. |
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| Two large Golden Retrievers are of interest to Walter who ignored most or all humans |
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| Walter has to have a close up with the Golden to make sure there is nothing wrong with him. Geez! |
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| A "hippy" weiner dog ignores us and quickly scoots past. |
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| This good dog handled Walter's rude overtures and allowed my dumb dog to get up close and personal. |
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| Walter found each and every dog interesting. Whether they liked it or not! |
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| hey Shorty, Walter loves the little dogs! Don't go so fast! |
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| A poodle in a purple stroller is something of a sight, but Walter decided to sniff... |
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| How confusing for Walter??? |
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| He's a big dog and I warned Walter he could get his ass kicked if he wasn't careful! |
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| Here's an old Boxer. Looks nothing like Walt, though kind of weird he had a nice attitude. |
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| This dog was showing off. He was beautiful. |
Friday, February 17, 2012
Future: Shock treatment for us all
There is something honorable about this generation of young people in that they are the bridge to a very uncertain future. But they have a spirit about them as they've learned to accept life's differences. The duality we all must contend with has been dished a real blow by this generation of people.
This generation didn't use fire in it's message, rather they quietly even passively undercut some of the biggest impediments to a good life, such as sexism, racism, any form of prejudice really has been questioned.
Part of this has been the technology, the new communication, the ways in which we communicate. If these general estimates are true that computing power is doubled every 18 months, then we truly have a shift on our hands.
This will be ground breaking causing as much havoc as a true earthquake. One day we have computers learning skills which can be used to pass IQ tests at around 150 score. This means in a year and a half, we will see them at 300. Now, just fucking go from there exponentially and you will see the future.
The next generation to come will be so different from it's counterparts by way of technology and the mental applications we create. How these changes will manifest in human physical appearance will be altered as well. The numbers say we are all getting obese, we all work away on these computers, then we play on them as well.
Fuck yeah, we're fat, we are the generation making fat folks.We are changing, not moving around quite as much, with our new lifestyles. Will it kill us all, or will evolution step in to say rev up our thyroids to burn more fat?
So, when you see a young person know this person will have to tackle far more, at a higher rate of change, for a longer period, than you ever will have seen. And people are wanting to stop progress by ignoring it. That won't do you much good either.
I digress, but I see some remarkable changes in the not so distant future. Much of what happens will depend on our ability to evolve here in the United States of America, home of a certain bi-polar American/reporter. I will be here for them, the generation which will have to manage the accelerated growth.
We can't depersonalize, disassociate ourselves with what will be a great challenge for all of us. This economic situation, the realities of the greed, thievery, horrendous violence by citizens and of governments perpetrating violence on their own citizens, all of this will have to mend to whatever degree for us to proceed into a prosperous future.
At this time there is more talk of the end of the world, and there are more like beginnings all the time, but we have a great tide of despair not being heard on this planet. Many people are unaware they have to catch up to the current time. It's not 1950 anymore than it's an hour ago or a minute ago. Things change rapidly, hang on if you want to keep up.
We can't be assholes and not acknowledge that we have gone too far one way and with the river of technology roaring we feel helpless to stop the onslaught. There are good people who are trying their best to bring about change and I am one of them.
Whether it's within myself I make the change, it has an effect that resonates for us all. Each time I see someone succeed in getting past their own limitations, their own walls, it gives me hope as I encounter my own obstacles. So, we all participate in this event, we can make it easier on each other by allowing what I call our personal freedom, and also by having compassion.
Compassion is a real asset as we now live in a time where people have friends and form bonds with people they have never met in person-cyber friends--facebook stuff. Contrast that with my life where only 22 years ago I stood in line at the AT&T store, which had branched off from megacorporation Ma Bell. There was a long line of impatient people, and when a man and woman asked if there was a phone they could "talk in and see each other," they were greeted with snickers and sarcastic remarks.
"What do you think this is Star Trek," one angry shopper heckled the man and woman who were only a few years ahead of their time.We have cameras everywhere and we certainly can talk into our computers and smart phones and see our friends.
This, of course, has accelerated the advent of awesome phone sex. I'm kidding and again I digress.
There are truly serious changes that must be made for the survival of the human species and every other one. I remember Jacques Cousteau, who roamed our oceans and seas for decades filming coral reefs and sadly seeing the demise of our ocean life. He warned us. We rolled over and went to sleep.
Our alarms should be going off about now. And in 18 months we will be past the ability to hit our snooze buttons.
Have a good day, and when you get a moment, check to see if you can get a glimpse of our potential futures. It's ours, it includes us all. How cool it will be, how much fun, depends on how we handle the everyday, every day. Laura Hart (time traveler)
This generation didn't use fire in it's message, rather they quietly even passively undercut some of the biggest impediments to a good life, such as sexism, racism, any form of prejudice really has been questioned.
Part of this has been the technology, the new communication, the ways in which we communicate. If these general estimates are true that computing power is doubled every 18 months, then we truly have a shift on our hands.
This will be ground breaking causing as much havoc as a true earthquake. One day we have computers learning skills which can be used to pass IQ tests at around 150 score. This means in a year and a half, we will see them at 300. Now, just fucking go from there exponentially and you will see the future.
The next generation to come will be so different from it's counterparts by way of technology and the mental applications we create. How these changes will manifest in human physical appearance will be altered as well. The numbers say we are all getting obese, we all work away on these computers, then we play on them as well.
Fuck yeah, we're fat, we are the generation making fat folks.We are changing, not moving around quite as much, with our new lifestyles. Will it kill us all, or will evolution step in to say rev up our thyroids to burn more fat?
So, when you see a young person know this person will have to tackle far more, at a higher rate of change, for a longer period, than you ever will have seen. And people are wanting to stop progress by ignoring it. That won't do you much good either.
I digress, but I see some remarkable changes in the not so distant future. Much of what happens will depend on our ability to evolve here in the United States of America, home of a certain bi-polar American/reporter. I will be here for them, the generation which will have to manage the accelerated growth.
We can't depersonalize, disassociate ourselves with what will be a great challenge for all of us. This economic situation, the realities of the greed, thievery, horrendous violence by citizens and of governments perpetrating violence on their own citizens, all of this will have to mend to whatever degree for us to proceed into a prosperous future.
At this time there is more talk of the end of the world, and there are more like beginnings all the time, but we have a great tide of despair not being heard on this planet. Many people are unaware they have to catch up to the current time. It's not 1950 anymore than it's an hour ago or a minute ago. Things change rapidly, hang on if you want to keep up.
We can't be assholes and not acknowledge that we have gone too far one way and with the river of technology roaring we feel helpless to stop the onslaught. There are good people who are trying their best to bring about change and I am one of them.
Whether it's within myself I make the change, it has an effect that resonates for us all. Each time I see someone succeed in getting past their own limitations, their own walls, it gives me hope as I encounter my own obstacles. So, we all participate in this event, we can make it easier on each other by allowing what I call our personal freedom, and also by having compassion.
Compassion is a real asset as we now live in a time where people have friends and form bonds with people they have never met in person-cyber friends--facebook stuff. Contrast that with my life where only 22 years ago I stood in line at the AT&T store, which had branched off from megacorporation Ma Bell. There was a long line of impatient people, and when a man and woman asked if there was a phone they could "talk in and see each other," they were greeted with snickers and sarcastic remarks.
"What do you think this is Star Trek," one angry shopper heckled the man and woman who were only a few years ahead of their time.We have cameras everywhere and we certainly can talk into our computers and smart phones and see our friends.
This, of course, has accelerated the advent of awesome phone sex. I'm kidding and again I digress.
There are truly serious changes that must be made for the survival of the human species and every other one. I remember Jacques Cousteau, who roamed our oceans and seas for decades filming coral reefs and sadly seeing the demise of our ocean life. He warned us. We rolled over and went to sleep.
Our alarms should be going off about now. And in 18 months we will be past the ability to hit our snooze buttons.
Have a good day, and when you get a moment, check to see if you can get a glimpse of our potential futures. It's ours, it includes us all. How cool it will be, how much fun, depends on how we handle the everyday, every day. Laura Hart (time traveler)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Bi-polar or waking up?
I was snoozing for a while...
After being home from what was obviously a very important episode in my life, which has changed me- my activities- my beliefs- my endeavors.
I've been curled up in bed this morning reviewing me for the past two months. Yesterday I had the really fun opportunity to interview the creator of the videos "Bi-polar or waking up." I had viewed them a couple weeks ago when I stumbled across two personally important websites for bi-polars: The Icarus Project and Bi-polar or waking up.
Particularly important to me was to find some answers as to what happened or what was the catalyst that finally changed my thinking that maybe I am okay. Maybe I do think or process information unlike most people. Can I live like this? Yes.
But can other people accept that I have opinions? Or should I be more quiet and reserved? (that'll be the day)
A friend of mine was telling me that it's sad that I would be condemned for simply telling the truth. Since that was one of the things I was compelled to do upon my strange return home from the "incident" we had to talk it out.
I agreed I had been far too open to my own detriment in fact. We lamented the loss or the impractical nature of being "truth teller Laura." I've wrapped that issue up. It's so freeing, less cumbersome, to simply tell the truth off the cuff as you don't even think about it.
I felt real...but I was very much disliked by most people. LOL
There is always a price to be paid for freedom.
What happened?
After chatting with Sean of Bi-polar or waking up, I asked about how his episode had felt as if he had died. I could seriously relate to that feeling. I felt exactly that: I had died and come back.
Not only did I feel I had died, but I felt I had returned, was here to look at the other side of myself, the side where I'm strong, effective, driven, and oh so fun-loving. I have flashes of memories, and also flashes of scenarios, or as some might call them delusions.
I know of their fantastical nature, these delusions, and I suppose I would have to believe in them for them to be "true" delusions, except I see them as dreams or maybe "creative scenarios." But I've been interested in some of the things I must have thought at some points while I was away for three weeks in the arms of law of enforcement and psychiatric care.
Still don't know...
As I've mentioned I still do not remember most of the three weeks I was away at "life camp." I got the lessons, but miss knowing how I learned the lessons. Mostly, I remember the beginning when I went to throw a bottle of vitamins into my bedroom and a paramedic stepped into the doorway at the exact moment.
Bing! He took the B-complex on the bridge of the nose. I was so shocked and then the reaction by law enforcement as if I had done this purposefully. I did make the point that I have hit a moving Boxer, named Walter, with a rock on the head, because I have a great throwing arm.
Had I wanted to hit someone with a bottle of vitamins and make it count, I most certainly could have. And because of my talent, I could have hit that paramedic even if he was running, zigging and zagging through my yard. That's not what happened. This was a formal date with destiny arranged via this crazy universe we live in. (Scooter, you rascal)
But this was the moment when my life changed. And my animals got a lesson too as their owner was dragged away kicking and screaming. I probably wasn't effective in getting my message across to my would be rescuers that day, but I had no one to care for my animals. My parrot learned about going without food for several days.
She now eats all her bird food mix, not just the goodies. That saves me some money thank you for her lesson too.
The consequences, results of these events have been primarily beneficial to me and my animals. Walter could not be happier running amok at the lake. If you can believe it, the only time in the three years I've owned him did he get to go to the lake, I stood smoking a cigarette, yelling at him to run around. Then I think I chased him with the car because he was annoying me.
Yeah, that's a drastic change for the better for our Walter.
That pussy cat, Patches, is nothing but fucking trouble, but you can't help but admire a cat. Nobody was really aware of her presence while I was gone, so she made her presence known. She introduced herself to the neighbor and now she is being looked out for.
She was feral really, so fear issues kept her from meeting people, even my friends sometimes. I'm proud to say she has made great strides that will benefit her life.
And she's doing this and she's supposedly a lowly soul, an animal. She's farther ahead of many people I know!
Home alone...
When I first arrived home, I could not operate the microwave, and I suddenly got the notion, that I did not know or was not feeding my cat by the instructions on the bag. This went for Walter too.
Next thing, I have measuring cups for their food. For a whole month I felt good about myself and fed my animals per the instructions on the bag. Can any of you imagine me doing this? No, I can't either. But it lasted for a month, four cups of Purina One for Walter, 3/4 cup of Naturals for Patches.
That was totally anal and I laugh at it now. They fucking eat whatever the hell they want...funny part is that it's about the same as what I had measured for them. What did it really matter?
My priorities are different.
This would be one of the important lessons about priorities. I told someone one time who was confused, that he needed to set priorities. He said, "I have no priorities." I responded, "yes, you do, by virtue of the order you do things."
Each morning I realize I set the priorities for the day. I make the choices that in turn create certain circumstances, some beneficial and some not.
But the main idea I kept getting is that I'm allowed to create. I'm allowed to choose. However, I must accept the results of my choices. I'm not great at creating success yet, but that is the ultimate goal.
You might ask yourself though what is success for you? For me, I would like to have people around me who can communicate with me, be supportive, forgiving definitely as I'm a fucking bi-polar lest we forget, and those who respect me. These are the people I bring in close.
That's success right there...for me.
Yes, I have bigger and "badder" ideas too, we'll talk on those later.
Letting go of the anger...
If I look at my priorities from last year, I see someone who was very angry. But very angry with myself. Allowing myself to be hurt by the local liars collective known as the hospital district was part one of the fury and frustration.
It's so true that I could have NOT stopped by KVHD ER on January 25, 2011 to see why my heart was pounding in an unusual way. I had not realized what a target I had made of myself. So, I have the responsibility for going there and not thinking it out.
But since I did go, I have the experience of great pain and suffering which serves me as well as complete avoidance of that experience. It's done, so therefore it "was meant to be." I employ that thought when I go about forgiving myself.
This has been one of many keys, forgiveness. I did not realize how strong a spirit I am. Most of my life I tended to focus on my weaknesses. I suffered from "victimitis" for a good portion of my life too.
Then I began to assess that I'm strong and this puts people off somehow. It also makes them easier to hurt. It is also too easy to do damage to others because I CAN see right through them. Sometimes I can be fooled, but in all likelihood, I'll figure you out eventually.
So, I see the new responsibility is to forgive others along with myself. It has become powerful medicine for my soul.
How to forgive...
The big question in my mind was how do I forgive? First, I recognize as I said above, "what is done is done." Step one: recognize it has happened and is now out of my control.
I can't go back in time to change the circumstance. I can accept the lesson of why it happened. "What...you don't dry your dog in the microwave?" Okay, I won't do that again.
Another more obvious lesson, Don't go to a hospital where everyone hates you and your politics, and your antics, as they may do something bad in response like Narcan you or send in a sadistic phlebotomist to destroy the veins in your arm. (Okay, I won't do that again!)
Honestly, I would not want to have been anyone of those people who dealt with me during all of these drama filled years. These are not my people. These are people of little courage, character or charisma. (Awesome, the three C's I like in people)
I imagined these people at home, plopped in front of the dumb box or TV, abusing alcohol, hiding behind a bible, hiding in a medical textbook as if it is the end all of answers, generally unknowing and uncaring of their effect on the world.
That's when I could forgive them. These people fell off the evolutionary cycle onto the dirt road of lost souls. Why would I hold this against them?
Yes, everyone should avoid them, but forgiveness is different.
If one of them had the character to come to me to say I'm sorry, then I would not have to feel bad for them, I would see that they had the ability to see what they had done and then take action to do something to change it. No forgiveness is required when a fellow human being attempts to honestly communicate with another person.
There are so many times when we don't get the opportunity to change things. So, when we do have this fleeting opportunity, we must take advantage of it. The worst feeling to have to heal, is NOT doing what you know you should have done. Also sometimes known as the "sins of omission."
Nothing like a missed opportunity to kill a good buzz.
That leads me back to the opportunity which arose out of very ugly circumstances last November. I honestly don't know whether I died or not, but the feeling has stayed with me. I do know that I survived to actually enjoy my "friends" from jail. That will always be something special to me. Actually, ALL OF IT was special, will never happen again, in the same way, and it helped me immensely see things I could not or would not see.
I'm learning, I'm healing, and today I made more progress as I realize I will be okay being me. I do like walking in my own shoes. I can forgive others and I definitely will forgive myself for the many things I cannot change. But friend, as the saying goes, I WILL change what I can change!
Wake up to more interviews...
Upcoming is my interview with the creator of bi-polar or waking up. I hope to contact others out there, and there are so many that I'm getting really excited, who can speak to the spiritual life, the steps, the meaning behind our bi-polar.
Really, the meaning behind our lives. I want you to meet these people and the best I can do is interview and transmit.
I'll take up more of my epiphanies soon, but next I want to bring this first interview home, to provoke some thought.
Wake up to a better world! Have a great day making it happen! Laura Hart
After being home from what was obviously a very important episode in my life, which has changed me- my activities- my beliefs- my endeavors.
I've been curled up in bed this morning reviewing me for the past two months. Yesterday I had the really fun opportunity to interview the creator of the videos "Bi-polar or waking up." I had viewed them a couple weeks ago when I stumbled across two personally important websites for bi-polars: The Icarus Project and Bi-polar or waking up.
Particularly important to me was to find some answers as to what happened or what was the catalyst that finally changed my thinking that maybe I am okay. Maybe I do think or process information unlike most people. Can I live like this? Yes.
But can other people accept that I have opinions? Or should I be more quiet and reserved? (that'll be the day)
A friend of mine was telling me that it's sad that I would be condemned for simply telling the truth. Since that was one of the things I was compelled to do upon my strange return home from the "incident" we had to talk it out.
I agreed I had been far too open to my own detriment in fact. We lamented the loss or the impractical nature of being "truth teller Laura." I've wrapped that issue up. It's so freeing, less cumbersome, to simply tell the truth off the cuff as you don't even think about it.
I felt real...but I was very much disliked by most people. LOL
There is always a price to be paid for freedom.
What happened?
After chatting with Sean of Bi-polar or waking up, I asked about how his episode had felt as if he had died. I could seriously relate to that feeling. I felt exactly that: I had died and come back.
Not only did I feel I had died, but I felt I had returned, was here to look at the other side of myself, the side where I'm strong, effective, driven, and oh so fun-loving. I have flashes of memories, and also flashes of scenarios, or as some might call them delusions.
I know of their fantastical nature, these delusions, and I suppose I would have to believe in them for them to be "true" delusions, except I see them as dreams or maybe "creative scenarios." But I've been interested in some of the things I must have thought at some points while I was away for three weeks in the arms of law of enforcement and psychiatric care.
Still don't know...
As I've mentioned I still do not remember most of the three weeks I was away at "life camp." I got the lessons, but miss knowing how I learned the lessons. Mostly, I remember the beginning when I went to throw a bottle of vitamins into my bedroom and a paramedic stepped into the doorway at the exact moment.
Bing! He took the B-complex on the bridge of the nose. I was so shocked and then the reaction by law enforcement as if I had done this purposefully. I did make the point that I have hit a moving Boxer, named Walter, with a rock on the head, because I have a great throwing arm.
Had I wanted to hit someone with a bottle of vitamins and make it count, I most certainly could have. And because of my talent, I could have hit that paramedic even if he was running, zigging and zagging through my yard. That's not what happened. This was a formal date with destiny arranged via this crazy universe we live in. (Scooter, you rascal)
But this was the moment when my life changed. And my animals got a lesson too as their owner was dragged away kicking and screaming. I probably wasn't effective in getting my message across to my would be rescuers that day, but I had no one to care for my animals. My parrot learned about going without food for several days.
She now eats all her bird food mix, not just the goodies. That saves me some money thank you for her lesson too.
The consequences, results of these events have been primarily beneficial to me and my animals. Walter could not be happier running amok at the lake. If you can believe it, the only time in the three years I've owned him did he get to go to the lake, I stood smoking a cigarette, yelling at him to run around. Then I think I chased him with the car because he was annoying me.
Yeah, that's a drastic change for the better for our Walter.
That pussy cat, Patches, is nothing but fucking trouble, but you can't help but admire a cat. Nobody was really aware of her presence while I was gone, so she made her presence known. She introduced herself to the neighbor and now she is being looked out for.
She was feral really, so fear issues kept her from meeting people, even my friends sometimes. I'm proud to say she has made great strides that will benefit her life.
And she's doing this and she's supposedly a lowly soul, an animal. She's farther ahead of many people I know!
Home alone...
When I first arrived home, I could not operate the microwave, and I suddenly got the notion, that I did not know or was not feeding my cat by the instructions on the bag. This went for Walter too.
Next thing, I have measuring cups for their food. For a whole month I felt good about myself and fed my animals per the instructions on the bag. Can any of you imagine me doing this? No, I can't either. But it lasted for a month, four cups of Purina One for Walter, 3/4 cup of Naturals for Patches.
That was totally anal and I laugh at it now. They fucking eat whatever the hell they want...funny part is that it's about the same as what I had measured for them. What did it really matter?
My priorities are different.
This would be one of the important lessons about priorities. I told someone one time who was confused, that he needed to set priorities. He said, "I have no priorities." I responded, "yes, you do, by virtue of the order you do things."
Each morning I realize I set the priorities for the day. I make the choices that in turn create certain circumstances, some beneficial and some not.
But the main idea I kept getting is that I'm allowed to create. I'm allowed to choose. However, I must accept the results of my choices. I'm not great at creating success yet, but that is the ultimate goal.
You might ask yourself though what is success for you? For me, I would like to have people around me who can communicate with me, be supportive, forgiving definitely as I'm a fucking bi-polar lest we forget, and those who respect me. These are the people I bring in close.
That's success right there...for me.
Yes, I have bigger and "badder" ideas too, we'll talk on those later.
Letting go of the anger...
If I look at my priorities from last year, I see someone who was very angry. But very angry with myself. Allowing myself to be hurt by the local liars collective known as the hospital district was part one of the fury and frustration.
It's so true that I could have NOT stopped by KVHD ER on January 25, 2011 to see why my heart was pounding in an unusual way. I had not realized what a target I had made of myself. So, I have the responsibility for going there and not thinking it out.
But since I did go, I have the experience of great pain and suffering which serves me as well as complete avoidance of that experience. It's done, so therefore it "was meant to be." I employ that thought when I go about forgiving myself.
This has been one of many keys, forgiveness. I did not realize how strong a spirit I am. Most of my life I tended to focus on my weaknesses. I suffered from "victimitis" for a good portion of my life too.
Then I began to assess that I'm strong and this puts people off somehow. It also makes them easier to hurt. It is also too easy to do damage to others because I CAN see right through them. Sometimes I can be fooled, but in all likelihood, I'll figure you out eventually.
So, I see the new responsibility is to forgive others along with myself. It has become powerful medicine for my soul.
How to forgive...
The big question in my mind was how do I forgive? First, I recognize as I said above, "what is done is done." Step one: recognize it has happened and is now out of my control.
I can't go back in time to change the circumstance. I can accept the lesson of why it happened. "What...you don't dry your dog in the microwave?" Okay, I won't do that again.
Another more obvious lesson, Don't go to a hospital where everyone hates you and your politics, and your antics, as they may do something bad in response like Narcan you or send in a sadistic phlebotomist to destroy the veins in your arm. (Okay, I won't do that again!)
Honestly, I would not want to have been anyone of those people who dealt with me during all of these drama filled years. These are not my people. These are people of little courage, character or charisma. (Awesome, the three C's I like in people)
I imagined these people at home, plopped in front of the dumb box or TV, abusing alcohol, hiding behind a bible, hiding in a medical textbook as if it is the end all of answers, generally unknowing and uncaring of their effect on the world.
That's when I could forgive them. These people fell off the evolutionary cycle onto the dirt road of lost souls. Why would I hold this against them?
Yes, everyone should avoid them, but forgiveness is different.
If one of them had the character to come to me to say I'm sorry, then I would not have to feel bad for them, I would see that they had the ability to see what they had done and then take action to do something to change it. No forgiveness is required when a fellow human being attempts to honestly communicate with another person.
There are so many times when we don't get the opportunity to change things. So, when we do have this fleeting opportunity, we must take advantage of it. The worst feeling to have to heal, is NOT doing what you know you should have done. Also sometimes known as the "sins of omission."
Nothing like a missed opportunity to kill a good buzz.
That leads me back to the opportunity which arose out of very ugly circumstances last November. I honestly don't know whether I died or not, but the feeling has stayed with me. I do know that I survived to actually enjoy my "friends" from jail. That will always be something special to me. Actually, ALL OF IT was special, will never happen again, in the same way, and it helped me immensely see things I could not or would not see.
I'm learning, I'm healing, and today I made more progress as I realize I will be okay being me. I do like walking in my own shoes. I can forgive others and I definitely will forgive myself for the many things I cannot change. But friend, as the saying goes, I WILL change what I can change!
Wake up to more interviews...
Upcoming is my interview with the creator of bi-polar or waking up. I hope to contact others out there, and there are so many that I'm getting really excited, who can speak to the spiritual life, the steps, the meaning behind our bi-polar.
Really, the meaning behind our lives. I want you to meet these people and the best I can do is interview and transmit.
I'll take up more of my epiphanies soon, but next I want to bring this first interview home, to provoke some thought.
Wake up to a better world! Have a great day making it happen! Laura Hart
Friday, February 3, 2012
a functional psychotic...
I am a functional psychotic. (at least I think so)
That's exactly where I fit in on the spectrum of mental health today. Nobody would deny my psychosis, but at the same time, we all seem to live within it's reality.
The things that have occurred in my life, and continue to occur have been nothing short of fantastical. I would guess most of it would rely on faith and the acknowledgement of the synchronicity of life.
I have had some time to think this out to a degree, where I know there was some sort of feeling as if death and I had met once again. Whether this is a fact or part of a fictional non linear, drama it really doesn't matter does it?
The outcome or overriding benefits to this state of mind are apparent, as I've managed to put on 35 pounds in two months. My first list of priorities was produced. I am working on many projects, my health being only one. Admittedly, I have blown out my left knee from running, and will now have to remain walking until it heals. But I wasn't or couldn't even conceive of running a few months ago.
I now have more than three months off of doctor dope and cigarettes. This includes benzo's and opiates. Going off of all the drugs cold turkey was fucking stupid as hell, don't get me wrong. The whole symmetry of the events could never be repeated. I was as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I mean, it's really that simple. Why do some people make more out of it-I have climbed out of a serious hole in my life-I'd like to enjoy it.
However, I do know that I've changed. I can see it and feel it in responses from those around me. Some have been great, while others are angry and won't speak to me. I'm not sure why, but there's not much I can do about it.
Since I want to enjoy life's small wonders, if I feel I can't do anything about something, have taken all reasonable steps toward that end-and even some unreasonable one's too-then it's time to let it go.
That is the change people see in me now, is that I'm really not that angry. I let much of that go for true survival reasons. It was far more detrimental to me than those who the anger was focused at. I have had to let go and let God.
I'm determined to enjoy each moment, slowly but surely savor all experiences, considered both good and bad. This is rather overwhelming as there are so many experiences to choose from.
But what I know at this time is that a great change has occurred within me and I'm now more free to decide on my life than I ever have been. It is about personal freedom for me.
Personal freedom may sound like a tampon commercial, but it's something I've been thinking on for a few days and I imagine it to be an important concept for the coming years of my life. I don't want the government interfering with my choices as to what makes me happy. I desire more freedom and will argue like hell to make it happen.
There are challenges for me in dealing with sleep issues and pain issues. The sleep issues are primary, whereas the pain issues come and go, and don't have an overall effect on my health and well being. Sleep, however, makes a big difference in how I function.
Since I am aware of the problem, I try my best to keep it in check. I can be a bit whiny in the morning, but once I'm up and at it, I'm good to go.
The posts I write are often a stream of consciousness endeavor. I don't have someone edit, I expect the flaws, and I even like them.
I like my own flaws and that of others. That is a great big change on my part. I think people are far more interesting when you take in the depth and complexity of the person. Someone I had known for a decade died recently and after his death I found out new facts about him I had never known. His childhood abuse, he had changed his name and had a secret life. How fucking cool was that?
I thought it was awesome to learn so much I never had any idea. Now I would love to talk to him again about this other, far more interesting life!
It cracks me up, since I'm cracked that's no surprise, that people are so willing to believe the worst about themselves. Me included. We are a work of art really. And we are so sly in our secret lives we keep from each other.
Maybe when we keep these secrets from ourselves is when we get lost or confused. My friend told me she has two journals: one for what others can see and one for her secrets.
I'm sure she's smart enough not to write the sordid truths on a public blog such as what I do. But she's comfortable doing it her way. I've seen her grow where she can be more herself in the last year. I'm sure at some point she will realize we all are exposed to these so-called dark secrets.
We all have perverse sexual fantasies. We all have lied out of convenience. We all have lied to ourselves.
We all think secretly we are worse and unacceptable.
I've had to stop telling the truth about everything. There are certain areas I have not even covered on this blog. I have touched on my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I refer to God as "Scooter." (That's Scooter with a capital "S" thank you very much!)
The reason for that was I needed God to be more reachable, more of a pal then a big, bad creator. It's allowed for more relaxed conversation and less bowing and fewer "Our Father's."
So, I would say that at some point I still have a lot of truth to tell...about me-and my life. At this moment, I'm happy to be a functional psychotic. It's good to be alive and kicking!
That's exactly where I fit in on the spectrum of mental health today. Nobody would deny my psychosis, but at the same time, we all seem to live within it's reality.
The things that have occurred in my life, and continue to occur have been nothing short of fantastical. I would guess most of it would rely on faith and the acknowledgement of the synchronicity of life.
I have had some time to think this out to a degree, where I know there was some sort of feeling as if death and I had met once again. Whether this is a fact or part of a fictional non linear, drama it really doesn't matter does it?
The outcome or overriding benefits to this state of mind are apparent, as I've managed to put on 35 pounds in two months. My first list of priorities was produced. I am working on many projects, my health being only one. Admittedly, I have blown out my left knee from running, and will now have to remain walking until it heals. But I wasn't or couldn't even conceive of running a few months ago.
I now have more than three months off of doctor dope and cigarettes. This includes benzo's and opiates. Going off of all the drugs cold turkey was fucking stupid as hell, don't get me wrong. The whole symmetry of the events could never be repeated. I was as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I mean, it's really that simple. Why do some people make more out of it-I have climbed out of a serious hole in my life-I'd like to enjoy it.
However, I do know that I've changed. I can see it and feel it in responses from those around me. Some have been great, while others are angry and won't speak to me. I'm not sure why, but there's not much I can do about it.
Since I want to enjoy life's small wonders, if I feel I can't do anything about something, have taken all reasonable steps toward that end-and even some unreasonable one's too-then it's time to let it go.
That is the change people see in me now, is that I'm really not that angry. I let much of that go for true survival reasons. It was far more detrimental to me than those who the anger was focused at. I have had to let go and let God.
I'm determined to enjoy each moment, slowly but surely savor all experiences, considered both good and bad. This is rather overwhelming as there are so many experiences to choose from.
But what I know at this time is that a great change has occurred within me and I'm now more free to decide on my life than I ever have been. It is about personal freedom for me.
Personal freedom may sound like a tampon commercial, but it's something I've been thinking on for a few days and I imagine it to be an important concept for the coming years of my life. I don't want the government interfering with my choices as to what makes me happy. I desire more freedom and will argue like hell to make it happen.
There are challenges for me in dealing with sleep issues and pain issues. The sleep issues are primary, whereas the pain issues come and go, and don't have an overall effect on my health and well being. Sleep, however, makes a big difference in how I function.
Since I am aware of the problem, I try my best to keep it in check. I can be a bit whiny in the morning, but once I'm up and at it, I'm good to go.
The posts I write are often a stream of consciousness endeavor. I don't have someone edit, I expect the flaws, and I even like them.
I like my own flaws and that of others. That is a great big change on my part. I think people are far more interesting when you take in the depth and complexity of the person. Someone I had known for a decade died recently and after his death I found out new facts about him I had never known. His childhood abuse, he had changed his name and had a secret life. How fucking cool was that?
I thought it was awesome to learn so much I never had any idea. Now I would love to talk to him again about this other, far more interesting life!
It cracks me up, since I'm cracked that's no surprise, that people are so willing to believe the worst about themselves. Me included. We are a work of art really. And we are so sly in our secret lives we keep from each other.
Maybe when we keep these secrets from ourselves is when we get lost or confused. My friend told me she has two journals: one for what others can see and one for her secrets.
I'm sure she's smart enough not to write the sordid truths on a public blog such as what I do. But she's comfortable doing it her way. I've seen her grow where she can be more herself in the last year. I'm sure at some point she will realize we all are exposed to these so-called dark secrets.
We all have perverse sexual fantasies. We all have lied out of convenience. We all have lied to ourselves.
We all think secretly we are worse and unacceptable.
I've had to stop telling the truth about everything. There are certain areas I have not even covered on this blog. I have touched on my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I refer to God as "Scooter." (That's Scooter with a capital "S" thank you very much!)
The reason for that was I needed God to be more reachable, more of a pal then a big, bad creator. It's allowed for more relaxed conversation and less bowing and fewer "Our Father's."
So, I would say that at some point I still have a lot of truth to tell...about me-and my life. At this moment, I'm happy to be a functional psychotic. It's good to be alive and kicking!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
My newest pet...a bi-polar pet
If you're one of the majority of people who hate spiders, this post is not for you. I happen to like them, and even feed them other insects.
This critter is a tunnel spider and during my "vacation" in November he moved into my bathroom and weaved his web around my Q-tips and saline spray. Needless to say those items remain in his web.(A friend of mine suggested I call the jail/psych ward incident, having been on vacation. Whatever!)
I'm sure it's not unusual to keep a pet spider. But I wanted to show you this beauty and he or she really is gorgeous. While laying in bed one morning, a fly buzzed me on the nose, irritating me as I am not a fan of houseflies. Somehow I managed to grab that dirty little fly while he was climbing around on Walter's back.
I took it in to Wolfy, (spider name) and tossed the fly into his web. He was right on it, but came out too quickly zooming right by it. He proceeded back into the tunnel, briefly, and hurried right back out and carried the fly off. Awesome!
I noticed yesterday that a new spider has moved into the neighborhood. It's a regular, garden variety spider, no cool tunnels, such as what Wolfy built. I initially thought I would capture the new spider and throw him in Wolfy's web. I'm not sure yet, he's big too.
If I decide to do it I will videotape it as the two spiders are rather large and burly. Might be a fight.
Feeding your dog or cat costs money, having a spider is free, as long as you can catch some grub for it once in a while.
Wolfy has free reign next to my Q-tips and Saline spray. I have to be careful when I fish out those Q-tips as the tunnel is constructed against the box, movement could cause a breach in the web.
It may sound strange, but I do enjoy these creatures and have for a long time. I don't know how long he can live, but I will continue to supply him if there's nothing available.
And maybe I'll throw the other spider in the web. It's not like he's an "owned" spider. More on this, with possible video. Instead of cage fighting it could be web fighting.
This is another world we often forget about or immediately want to destroy. I noticed that Wolfy has been getting used to the sound of my voice. He actually peaks out of his tunnel when I come in the bathroom. What if I could teach him things nobody would ever thought could happen? A spider who sits up, shakes and rolls over.
Don't think I can do it, eh?
Anything is possible...
This critter is a tunnel spider and during my "vacation" in November he moved into my bathroom and weaved his web around my Q-tips and saline spray. Needless to say those items remain in his web.(A friend of mine suggested I call the jail/psych ward incident, having been on vacation. Whatever!)
I'm sure it's not unusual to keep a pet spider. But I wanted to show you this beauty and he or she really is gorgeous. While laying in bed one morning, a fly buzzed me on the nose, irritating me as I am not a fan of houseflies. Somehow I managed to grab that dirty little fly while he was climbing around on Walter's back.
I took it in to Wolfy, (spider name) and tossed the fly into his web. He was right on it, but came out too quickly zooming right by it. He proceeded back into the tunnel, briefly, and hurried right back out and carried the fly off. Awesome!
If I decide to do it I will videotape it as the two spiders are rather large and burly. Might be a fight.
Feeding your dog or cat costs money, having a spider is free, as long as you can catch some grub for it once in a while.
It may sound strange, but I do enjoy these creatures and have for a long time. I don't know how long he can live, but I will continue to supply him if there's nothing available.
And maybe I'll throw the other spider in the web. It's not like he's an "owned" spider. More on this, with possible video. Instead of cage fighting it could be web fighting.
This is another world we often forget about or immediately want to destroy. I noticed that Wolfy has been getting used to the sound of my voice. He actually peaks out of his tunnel when I come in the bathroom. What if I could teach him things nobody would ever thought could happen? A spider who sits up, shakes and rolls over.
Don't think I can do it, eh?
Anything is possible...
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