Dr Quantum - quantum physics simplified!

The Power of Observation to change the outcome...

The Bi-Polar American in London...

We finally did it!

I was not in a good mood this morning at all. After a rough night of sleepless tossing and turning, I realized I was out of parrot mix. Well, there was a bit left, but with none of the goodies Sky enjoys. The dismal look on my parrot's face was enough to get me dressed and out the door.

I pulled into the parking lot and shock set in as I looked at the gas sign and the prices seemed to be, well, not real. Then one of the employees came out and was actually raising the prices right in front of me. It was like madness, the instant understanding that we are now really heading down this painful path, here in this country and around the world.

Not that any of this should really shock us, but I guess attempting to be in denial like others around me, those in the media, definitely government types, didn't last as I'm not really into watching my fellow American's suffer unnecessarily.

Yeah, real good mood, then thankfully, my good friend called, it was time to make the flight arrangements for my trip to Europe. For the sake of simplicity, I'm calling this trip, "A Bi-polar American in London."

We sorted out the dates, as my friend is thorough, a detail freak, and now I'm supposed to be making a copy of my passport for her and for me. Damn, too much to do. I now am on count down as it's just over two weeks until I depart.

This  morning, I would have stormed out of my country, really despondent that I am watching America throw it's most vulnerable under the bus.

Now, I'm curious. I'm really interested in the perspective of being away from this country for a while. I will NEVER give up on this nation, I think all in all, there are really incredible people here. Some beautiful minds. Our culture, if you can call it that, has become one of competition and business. Everything is for sale here. Your principles, your honesty-self respect?

The American dream does not remain intact. Why? Because a decent person would be hard put to consider success something you do alone.

More on the trip and the ideas...Have a great day in spite of political folly and horrendous greed. Laura Hart

The Dogs of Whiskey Flats 2012: Walter and the "Flat dogs"

Walter is getting ready to go for a stroll through our annual "Whiskey Flat Days" in Kernville, CA.

Two large Golden Retrievers are of interest to Walter who ignored most or all humans 

Walter has to have a close up with the Golden to make sure there is nothing wrong with him. Geez!

A "hippy" weiner dog ignores us and quickly scoots past.

This good dog handled Walter's rude overtures and allowed my dumb dog to get up close and personal.

Walter found each and every dog interesting. Whether they liked it or not!

hey Shorty, Walter loves the little dogs! Don't go so fast!

A poodle in a purple stroller is something of a sight, but Walter decided to sniff...

How confusing for Walter???

He's a big dog and I warned Walter he could get his ass kicked if he wasn't careful!

Here's an old Boxer. Looks nothing like Walt, though kind of weird he had a nice attitude.

This dog was showing off. He was beautiful. 

Future: Shock treatment for us all

There is something honorable about this generation of young people in that they are the bridge to a very uncertain future. But they have a spirit about them as they've learned to accept life's differences. The duality we all must contend with has been dished a real blow by this generation of people.

This generation didn't use fire in it's message, rather they quietly even passively undercut some of the biggest impediments to a good life, such as sexism, racism, any form of prejudice really has been questioned.

Part of this has been the technology, the new communication, the ways in which we communicate. If these general estimates are true that computing power is doubled every 18 months, then we truly have a shift on our hands.

This will be ground breaking causing as much havoc as a true earthquake. One day we have computers learning skills which can be used to pass IQ tests at around 150 score. This means in a year and a half, we will see them at 300. Now, just fucking go from there exponentially and you will see the future.

The next generation to come will be so different from it's counterparts by way of technology and the mental applications we create. How these changes will manifest in human physical appearance will be altered as well. The numbers say we are all getting obese, we all work away on these computers, then we play on them as well.

Fuck yeah, we're fat, we are the generation making fat folks.We are changing, not moving around quite as much, with our new lifestyles. Will it kill us all, or will evolution step in to say rev up our thyroids to burn more fat?

So, when you see a young person know this person will have to tackle far more, at a higher rate of change, for a longer period, than you ever will have seen. And people are wanting to stop progress by ignoring it. That won't do you much good either.

I digress, but I see some remarkable changes in the not so distant future. Much of what happens will depend on our ability to evolve here in the United States of America, home of a certain bi-polar American/reporter. I will be here for them, the generation which will have to manage the accelerated growth.

We can't depersonalize, disassociate ourselves with what will be a great challenge for all of us. This economic situation, the realities of the greed, thievery, horrendous violence by citizens and of governments perpetrating violence on their own citizens, all of this will have to mend to whatever degree for us to proceed into a prosperous future.

At this time there is more talk of the end of the world, and there are more like beginnings all the time, but we have a great tide of despair not being heard on this planet. Many people are unaware they have to catch up to the current time. It's not 1950 anymore than it's an hour ago or a minute ago. Things change rapidly, hang on if you want to keep up.

We can't be assholes and not acknowledge that we have gone too far one way and with the river of technology roaring we feel helpless to stop the onslaught. There are good people who are trying their best to bring about change and I am one of them.

Whether it's within myself I make the change, it has an effect that resonates for us all. Each time I see someone succeed in getting past their own limitations, their own walls, it gives me hope as I encounter my own obstacles. So, we all participate in this event, we can make it easier on each other by allowing what I call our personal freedom, and also by having compassion.

Compassion is a real asset as we now live in a time where people have friends and form bonds with people they have never met in person-cyber friends--facebook stuff. Contrast that with my life where only 22 years ago I stood in line at the AT&T store, which had branched off from megacorporation Ma Bell. There was a long line of impatient people, and when a man and woman asked if there was a phone they could "talk in and see each other," they were greeted with snickers and sarcastic remarks.

"What do you think this is Star Trek," one angry shopper heckled the man and woman who were only a few years ahead of their time.We have cameras everywhere and we certainly can talk into our computers and smart phones and see our friends.

This, of course, has accelerated the advent of awesome phone sex. I'm kidding and again I digress.

There are truly serious changes that must be made for the survival of the human species and every other one. I remember Jacques Cousteau, who roamed our oceans and seas for decades filming coral reefs and sadly seeing the demise of our ocean life. He warned us. We rolled over and went to sleep.

Our alarms should be going off about now. And in 18 months we will be past the ability to hit our snooze buttons.

Have a good day, and when you get a moment, check to see if you can get a glimpse of our potential futures. It's ours, it includes us all. How cool it will be, how much fun, depends on how we handle the everyday, every day. Laura Hart (time traveler)

Bi-polar or waking up?

I was snoozing for a while...

After being home from what was obviously a very important episode in my life, which has changed me- my activities- my beliefs- my endeavors.

I've been curled up in bed this morning reviewing me for the past two months. Yesterday I had the really fun opportunity to interview the creator of the videos "Bi-polar or waking up." I had viewed them a couple weeks ago when I stumbled across two personally important websites for bi-polars: The Icarus Project and Bi-polar or waking up.

Particularly important to me was to find some answers as to what happened or what was the catalyst that finally changed my thinking that maybe I am okay. Maybe I do think or process information unlike most people. Can I live like this? Yes.

But can other people accept that I have opinions? Or should I be more quiet and reserved? (that'll be the day)

A friend of mine was telling me that it's sad that I would be condemned for simply telling the truth. Since that was one of the things I was compelled to do upon my strange return home from the "incident" we had to talk it out.

I agreed I had been far too open to my own detriment in fact. We lamented the loss or the impractical nature of being "truth teller Laura." I've wrapped that issue up. It's so freeing, less cumbersome, to simply tell the truth off the cuff as you don't even think about it.

I felt real...but I was very much disliked by most people. LOL

There is always a price to be paid for freedom. 

What happened?

After chatting with Sean of Bi-polar or waking up, I asked about how his episode had felt as if he had died. I could seriously relate to that feeling. I felt exactly that: I had died and come back.

Not only did I feel I had died, but I felt I had returned, was here to look at the other side of myself, the side where I'm strong, effective, driven, and oh so fun-loving. I have flashes of memories, and also flashes of scenarios, or as some might call them delusions.

I know of their fantastical nature, these delusions, and I suppose I would have to believe in them for them to be "true" delusions, except I see them as dreams or maybe "creative scenarios." But I've been interested in some of the things I must have thought at some points while I was away for three weeks in the arms of law of enforcement and psychiatric care.


Still don't know...

As I've mentioned I still do not remember most of the three weeks I was away at "life camp." I got the lessons, but miss knowing how I learned the lessons. Mostly, I remember the beginning when I went to throw a bottle of vitamins into my bedroom and a paramedic stepped into the doorway at the exact moment.

Bing! He took the B-complex on the bridge of the nose. I was so shocked and then the reaction by law enforcement as if I had done this purposefully. I did make the point that I have hit a moving Boxer, named Walter, with a rock on the head, because I have a great throwing arm.

Had I wanted to hit someone with a bottle of vitamins and make it count, I most certainly could have. And because of my talent, I could have hit that paramedic even if he was running, zigging and zagging through my yard. That's not what happened. This was a formal date with destiny arranged via this crazy universe we live in. (Scooter, you rascal)

But this was the moment when my life changed. And my animals got a lesson too as their owner was dragged away kicking and screaming. I probably wasn't effective in getting my message across to my would be rescuers that day, but I had no one to care for my animals. My parrot learned about going without food for several days.

She now eats all her bird food mix, not just the goodies. That saves me some money thank you for her lesson too.

The consequences, results of these events have been primarily beneficial to me and my animals. Walter could not be happier running amok at the lake. If you can believe it, the only time in the three years I've owned him did he get to go to the lake, I stood smoking a cigarette, yelling at him to run around. Then I think I chased him with the car because he was annoying me.

Yeah, that's a drastic change for the better for our Walter.

That pussy cat, Patches, is nothing but fucking trouble, but you can't help but admire a cat. Nobody was really aware of her presence while I was gone, so she made her presence known. She introduced herself to the neighbor and now she is being looked out for.

She was feral really, so fear issues kept her from meeting people, even my friends sometimes. I'm proud to say she has made great strides that will benefit her life.

And she's doing this and she's supposedly a lowly soul, an animal. She's farther ahead of many people I know!


Home alone...

When I first arrived home, I could not operate the microwave, and I suddenly got the notion, that I did not know or was not feeding my cat by the instructions on the bag. This went for Walter too.


Next thing, I have measuring cups for their food. For a whole month I felt good about myself and fed my animals per the instructions on the bag. Can any of you imagine me doing this? No, I can't either. But it lasted for a month, four cups of Purina One for Walter, 3/4 cup of Naturals for Patches.

That was totally anal and I laugh at it now. They fucking eat whatever the hell they want...funny part is that it's about the same as what I had measured for them. What did it really matter?


My priorities are different.

This would be one of the important lessons about priorities. I told someone one time who was confused, that he needed to set priorities. He said, "I have no priorities." I responded, "yes, you do, by virtue of the order you do things."

Each  morning I realize I set the priorities for the day. I make the choices that in turn create certain circumstances, some beneficial and some not.

But the main idea I kept getting is that I'm allowed to create. I'm allowed to choose. However, I must accept the results of my choices. I'm not great at creating success yet, but that is the ultimate goal.

You might ask yourself though what is success for you? For me, I would like to have people around me who can communicate with me, be supportive, forgiving definitely as I'm a fucking bi-polar lest we forget, and those who respect me. These are the people I bring in close.

That's success right there...for me.

Yes, I have bigger and "badder" ideas too, we'll talk on those later.

Letting go of the anger...

If I look at my priorities from last year, I see someone who was very angry. But very angry with myself. Allowing myself to be hurt by the local liars collective known as the hospital district was part one of the fury and frustration.

It's so true that I could have NOT stopped by KVHD ER on January 25, 2011 to see why my heart was pounding in an unusual way. I had not realized what a target I had made of myself. So, I have the responsibility for going there and not thinking it out.

But since I did go, I have the experience of great pain and suffering which serves me as well as complete avoidance of that experience. It's done, so therefore it "was meant to be." I employ that thought when I go about forgiving myself.

This has been one of many keys, forgiveness. I did not realize how strong a spirit I am. Most of my life I tended to focus on my weaknesses. I suffered from "victimitis" for a good portion of my life too.

Then I began to assess that I'm strong and this puts people off somehow. It also makes them easier to hurt. It is also too easy to do damage to others because I CAN see right through them. Sometimes I can be fooled, but in all likelihood, I'll figure you out eventually.

So, I see the new responsibility is to forgive others along with myself. It has become powerful medicine for my soul.

How to forgive...

The big question in my mind was how do I forgive? First, I recognize as I said above, "what is done is done." Step one: recognize it has happened and is now out of my control.

I can't go back in time to change the circumstance. I can accept the lesson of why it happened. "What...you don't dry your dog in the microwave?" Okay, I won't do that again.

Another more obvious lesson, Don't go to a hospital where everyone hates you and your politics, and your antics, as they may do something bad in response like Narcan you or send in a sadistic phlebotomist to destroy the veins in your arm. (Okay, I won't do that again!)

Honestly, I would not want to have been anyone of those people who dealt with me during all of these drama filled years. These are not my people. These are people of little courage, character or charisma.  (Awesome, the three C's I like in people)

I imagined these people at home, plopped in front of the dumb box or TV, abusing alcohol, hiding behind a bible, hiding in a medical textbook as if it is the end all of answers, generally unknowing and uncaring of their effect on the world.

That's when I could forgive them. These people fell off the evolutionary cycle onto the dirt road of lost souls. Why would I hold this against them?

Yes, everyone should avoid them, but forgiveness is different.

If one of them had the character to come to me to say I'm sorry, then I would not have to feel bad for them, I would see that they had the ability to see what they had done and then take action to do something to change it. No forgiveness is required when a fellow human being attempts to honestly communicate with another person.

There are so many times when we don't get the opportunity to change things. So, when we do have this fleeting opportunity, we must take advantage of it. The worst feeling to have to heal, is NOT doing what you know you should have done. Also sometimes known as the "sins of omission."

Nothing like a missed opportunity to kill a good buzz.

That leads me back to the opportunity which arose out of very ugly circumstances last November. I honestly don't know whether I died or not, but the feeling has stayed with me. I do know that I survived to actually enjoy my "friends" from jail. That will always be something special to me. Actually, ALL OF IT was special, will never happen again, in the same way, and it helped me immensely see things I could not or would not see.

I'm learning, I'm healing, and today I made more progress as I realize I will be okay being me. I do like walking in my own shoes. I can forgive others and I definitely will forgive myself for the many things I cannot change. But friend, as the saying goes, I WILL change what I can change!


Wake up to more interviews...

Upcoming is my interview with the creator of bi-polar or waking up. I hope to contact others out there, and there are so many that I'm getting really excited, who can speak to the spiritual life, the steps, the meaning behind our bi-polar.

Really, the meaning behind our lives. I want you to meet these people and the best I can do is interview and transmit.

I'll take up more of my epiphanies soon, but next I want to bring this first interview home, to provoke some thought.

Wake up to a better world! Have a great day making it happen! Laura Hart

a functional psychotic...

I am a functional psychotic. (at least I think so)

That's exactly where I fit in on the spectrum of mental health today. Nobody would deny my psychosis, but at the same time, we all seem to live within it's reality.

The things that have occurred in my life, and continue to occur have been nothing short of fantastical. I would guess most of it would rely on faith and the acknowledgement of the synchronicity of life.

I have had some time to think this out to a degree, where I know there was some sort of feeling as if death and I had met once again. Whether this is a fact or part of a fictional non linear, drama it really doesn't matter does it?

The outcome or overriding benefits to this state of mind are apparent, as I've managed to put on 35 pounds in two months. My first list of priorities was produced. I am working on many projects, my health being only one. Admittedly, I have blown out my left knee from running, and will now have to remain walking until it heals. But I wasn't or couldn't even conceive of running a few months ago. 

I now have more than three months off of doctor dope and cigarettes. This includes benzo's and opiates. Going off of all the drugs cold turkey was fucking stupid as hell, don't get me wrong. The whole symmetry of the events could never be repeated. I was as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I mean, it's really that simple. Why do some people make more out of it-I have climbed out of a serious hole in my life-I'd like to enjoy it.

However, I do know that I've changed. I can see it and feel it in responses from those around me. Some have been great, while others are angry and won't speak to me. I'm not sure why, but there's not much I can do about it.

Since I want to enjoy life's small wonders, if I feel I can't do anything about something, have taken all reasonable steps toward that end-and even some unreasonable one's too-then it's time to let it go.

That is the change people see in me now, is that I'm really not that angry. I let much of that go for true survival reasons. It was far more detrimental to me than those who the anger was focused at. I have had to let go and let God.

I'm determined to enjoy each moment, slowly but surely savor all experiences, considered both good and bad. This is rather overwhelming as there are so many experiences to choose from.

But what I know at this time is that a great change has occurred within me and I'm now more free to decide on my life than I ever have been. It is about personal freedom for me.

Personal freedom may sound like a tampon commercial, but it's something I've been thinking on for a few days and I imagine it to be an important concept for the coming years of my life. I don't want the government interfering with my choices as to what makes me happy. I desire more freedom and will argue like hell to make it happen.

There are challenges for me in dealing with sleep issues and pain issues. The sleep issues are primary, whereas the pain issues come and go, and don't have an overall effect on my health and well being. Sleep, however, makes a big difference in how I function.

Since I am aware of the problem, I try my best to keep it in check. I can be a bit whiny in the morning, but once I'm up and at it, I'm good to go.

The posts I write are often a stream of consciousness endeavor. I don't have someone edit, I expect the flaws, and I even like them.

I like my own flaws and that of others. That is a great big change on my part. I think people are far more interesting when you take in the depth and complexity of the person. Someone I had known for a decade died recently and after his death I found out new facts about him I had never known. His childhood abuse, he had changed his name and had a secret life. How fucking cool was that?

I thought it was awesome to learn so much I never had any idea. Now I would love to talk to him again about this other, far more interesting life!

It cracks me up, since I'm cracked that's no surprise, that people are so willing to believe the worst about themselves. Me included. We are a work of art really. And we are so sly in our secret lives we keep from each other.

Maybe when we keep these secrets from ourselves is when we get lost or confused. My friend told me she has two journals: one for what others can see and one for her secrets.

I'm sure she's smart enough not to write the sordid truths on a public blog such as what I do. But she's comfortable doing it her way. I've seen her grow where she can be more herself in the last year. I'm sure at some point she will realize we all are exposed to these so-called dark secrets.

We all have perverse sexual fantasies. We all have lied out of convenience. We all have lied to ourselves.

We all think secretly we are worse and unacceptable.

I've had to stop telling the truth about everything. There are certain areas I have not even covered on this blog. I have touched on my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I refer to God as "Scooter." (That's Scooter with a capital "S" thank you very much!)

The reason for that was I needed God to be more reachable, more of a pal then a big, bad creator. It's allowed for more relaxed conversation and less bowing and fewer "Our Father's."

So, I would say that at some point I still have a lot of truth to tell...about me-and my life. At this moment, I'm happy to be a functional psychotic. It's good to be alive and kicking!

My newest pet...a bi-polar pet

If you're one of the majority of people who hate spiders, this post is not for you. I happen to like them, and even feed them other insects.

This critter is a tunnel spider and during my "vacation" in November he moved into my bathroom and weaved his web around my Q-tips and saline spray. Needless to say those items remain in his web.(A friend of mine suggested I call the jail/psych ward incident, having been on vacation. Whatever!) 

I'm sure it's not unusual to keep a pet spider. But I wanted to show you this beauty and he or she really is gorgeous. While laying in bed one morning, a fly buzzed me on the nose, irritating me as I am not a fan of houseflies. Somehow I managed to grab that dirty little fly while he was climbing around on Walter's back.

I took it in to Wolfy, (spider name) and tossed the fly into his web. He was right on it, but came out too quickly zooming right by it. He proceeded back into the tunnel, briefly, and hurried right back out and carried the fly off. Awesome!

I noticed yesterday that a new spider has moved into the neighborhood. It's a regular, garden variety spider, no cool tunnels, such as what Wolfy built. I initially thought I would capture the new spider and throw him in Wolfy's web. I'm not sure yet, he's big too.

If I decide to do it I will videotape it as the two spiders are rather large and burly. Might be a fight.

Feeding your dog or cat costs money, having a spider is free, as long as you can catch some grub for it once in a while.

Wolfy has free reign next to my Q-tips and Saline spray. I have to be careful when I fish out those Q-tips as the tunnel is constructed against the box, movement could cause a breach in the web.

It may sound strange, but I do enjoy these creatures and have for a long time. I don't know how long he can live, but I will continue to supply him if there's nothing available.

And maybe I'll throw the other spider in the web. It's not like he's an "owned" spider. More on this, with possible video. Instead of cage fighting it could be web fighting.

This is another world we often forget about or immediately want to destroy. I noticed that Wolfy has been getting used to the sound of my voice. He actually peaks out of his tunnel when I come in the bathroom. What if I could teach him things nobody would ever thought could happen? A spider who sits up, shakes and rolls over.

Don't think I can do it, eh?

Anything is possible...

Bi-polar by the lake..."The Boxer Rebellion"

 

Bi-polar by the lake...

What a beautiful weekend we had here in the Kern River Valley above the smog in Bakersfield, and next to Lake Isabella.

We had a great time getting out, stretching, after the in-climate weather passed us by. Nothing but sunny skies as Walter and his new buddy ran wild and free!

 

This is our spot to walk or run as is the case with Walter. We enjoy our lake side sprints, but this weekend, Walter had a friend to play with and they enjoyed the hell out of it!

His owner and I took a stroll and watched the two dumb asses play and get in the water...and also knock me down.

Yes, that was something I learned this weekend, that Walter may just be intentionally knocking me down. The very first time we came out to the lake and met another dog/owner, Walter sped around and the dogs knocked me down.

We went out one evening and Walter had to run after another dog who was minding his own business and his owner. Walter was told not to go and bother them, but apparently he overrode my command and got this poor dog all stirred up.

A teenage girl and her mother were just ambling along when Walter started the commotion. They were really nice about it, but Walter was getting their Australian Shepherd all worked up by jumping on the girl whom this dog was trying to protect.

And that asshole Walter seemed to be doing this on purpose. As he and this dog ran, somehow I got knocked down three times! Nobody else was knocked down...Hmmm?

I had only started filming Walter and company this weekend, when I was suddenly jettisoned off my feet, and  I fell to the ground protecting the camera.

I have two videos clearly showing this bad dog Walter intentionally knocking me down. He's a passive aggressive asshole...and I love him for it!

This is the first picture post but I will try to put up the "bad dog" video showing Walter trying to knock his own caring, thoughtful owner, (me) to the dirt. What a bastard!

The dogs chased not only those crazy "sea gulls" or "land gulls" but went after a Raven. According to Avian literature, Raven's are one of the smartest birds on the planet. However, I was shocked to find this bird, as well as another, eating cow shit.

He took a bite and then flew away. I am wondering if they choose to eat shit or they have nothing else? (That same question could be asked of people I know too...)

Now that I'm with camera again, it's time to bring some photos to the blog, making it more real. After Walter and I enjoyed our long walk with friends, we took off and played some basketball at the park.

Good thing I don't embarrass easily as Walter made an "ass" of me chasing me and biting my butt while I dribbled the basketball up and down the court.

There were a group of young teens watching and laughing as Walter and I were playing Dog/Human basketball. That SOB was pretty good keeping the ball himself, he just can't shoot the thing. We will be playing again tomorrow with another friend so maybe...now just maybe as it was embarrassing, I'll get some pictures or video.

That depends on my level of self esteem tomorrow. Walter is not helping!

Have a great day with your dogs...but don't trust them!  Laura Hart (a bad dog herself)

Mad pride...

We can even like our bi-polar?

I guess I have some of it too, what they call "mad pride." I'm happy to be a bi-polar even when I'm depressed, honestly, I do not desire to be anything but what I am. This is my life, I do- do what I want.

I'm not a victim, though it would have seemed that way had I listened to all the doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and, of course, my parents. Luckily I have a short attention span and dumped the lesson that I have no control over my destiny for a feeling of mad pride.

To this day, there are people who would LOVE that I was chemically restrained. They would love that I admit that my thoughts are inferior to their superior, sane, thoughts.

Thank God, we the peculiar have made great strides going beyond the limitations society wishes to put on us, collectively, that is. Enough people are now of the mind set that the label insanity, or severe mental illness, imposes a judgment which diminishes our experiences. Therefore we are free to enjoy the ride! Explore the terrain such as LSD or other "hallucinogenics" provided to people looking for their answers, spiritual and otherwise.

To argue about this would be stupid and a big time waster, we are all fucking nuts and we know it. Now there are times we need SUPPORT. That's a different animal. Depression, lack of self esteem, feeling isolated and different, they all require some comfort from the outside as we often just need the acceptance of our personal plight.

Then you have the mania. Oh good Lord, the people I have angered when I've been "too happy." I do have a great resource of enthusiasm about life, that helps me sail past depression or crisis on a regular basis. My sister upon picking me up from jail last month, after not being able to bail me out, or know my condition stated: It looks like you've done it again...come out all right.

Since I was a teenager, I took medication of sorts for my anger.  I chose marijuana as my drug of choice for my surly self. My new mindset, however, wants to remove the barrier between me and my emotions...so no to anything which suppresses this information. And yes to anger as it's part of the life experience.

And yes to everything that has to do with life. I cannot really conceive of what others might label me as and I guess I don't care. The more I make people uncomfortable the better my understanding that "IT'S NOT ME." I'm not in charge of anyone's reaction, but my own. That doesn't mean I may not encounter consequences, we all do.

It's exciting to see people steer away from labeling themselves mental and more aptly creating an understanding and acceptance of their personal situation.

One organization very much dedicated to looking at mental illness as potentially a "dangerous gift" is called "The Icarus Project." They have created an outlet for many people formerly known as "crazy" now known as "fucking crazy, but cool anyway." LOL

Check out the site: http://theicarusproject.net/about-us/2011-miscellaneous-member-reportbacks

The Bi-polar American is a lifestyle, a way of thinking, an attitude! And hopefully even a beacon for others to consider in terms of thriving and not just surviving. There is nothing about this way of thinking in terms of bi-polar that should stop anyone from having a damn good time with life. And thankfully, it doesn't matter the circumstances of your life, a Bi-polar American can create heaven where there is only hell and vise-a-verse. 


And we do it...Our way!

Best wishes. Laura Hart

NEW INFO! "Good Morning KRV: I made it thru the night, now it's your turn to suffer me"

Found this post in the editor: This is a blog that came from the November 2011 suicide/kicking doctor dope episode. On November 8th, I began my tour of the "rabbit hole" as I stopped all my pain killers and even my sleeping medication, Xanax. 


The sudden cessation caused some turbulence in the force as you may notice in this post. I was actually really scared to stop the drugs. I had no notion of what would happen. Then God granted me quite the wild ride. 


The posts clearly show my meltdown from November 8th, 2011, where I lose total control of my senses as I try to get off the doctor merry-go-round. The doctors had given me lots of good dope to use, but I was now in the mood for less dope, and in a hurry to get out of their control. Addicts keep coming back, and that's another office call -or two- if I run low early!


I had a new PA who had made me sign a contract that I didn't read. She really had a lot of nerve, but did it to the wrong person. I was so pissed it made me want to be off of all drugs. And cigarettes too! 


However, I ended up in jail, and a psych ward, for all my trouble. I really enjoyed it though. I was a fugitive from justice as local folklore says I attacked hospital personnel and ran to a church for safe harbor. But the church had no faith and dropped me into the lap of law enforcement who cuffed me and took me to my pen for a rest.

I still have amnesia as I cannot remember at least two weeks of jail and fun. I've had blackouts where I lost a night, but not this sort of thing. I have snippets but that is about all.

So, as part of my effort to be true to myself and also my readers, I am posting this sweet gem. It also fills in the gap of where I was mentally in the course of this great adventure.

I write what I'm feeling, no right or wrong, just information for me to use. And God help us all that I was taken away before I called the lightening from the sky to smite all the healthcare providers in this town. 

This is part of the record of my life. The crazy bi-polar American that I am! 

Relax and enjoy...the anger of it all!   (This post created on November 9, 2011)

It was intense but I am alive and "kicking" this morning as I told you last night, these doctors of ill repute have given me a challenge: I love a challenge.

Though my face broke out, my limbs twitched all night, I didn't really care. I did however really have fun plans for today if I made it. And I did, in full armor, manic rage!

Good morning muther fuckers I'm still here and you, well, you may want to reconsider as I am about to show you exactly what happens to me without these medicines. I guess it was more important to judge me than to listen.

Now I'm your doctor, yes, let's play fucked healthcare together.

Oh, I'm into experimentation, that means, that I am about to experiment with them. I retrieved the drugs from the garbage this morning, because that would have been a mistake.

I can hear it now: "Oh yeah, sure you did." (throw them away) Well, here it is right here and I'm going to be bringing them to you today. I'm considering the delivery via pelting you with these pills, hopefully, you will be smart enough to turn your head and not get a Xanx bb in your eye.

Or would you care for some "limitless" cytomel? Oh, that's right, my friend another PA who doesn't like women doctors anymore than I do this morning, says they are prescribing improperly. In fact, God help us all, as I haven't even finished my other fight.

Good thing that withdrawal brings out the fucked part of me, and that is what you get for causing me this trouble. I've been this way long enough to know when I'm gone over the edge, and I am, to an extent, whereas, I didn't really expect to be here, except one woman, had to test it out.

Fools ye be.

Let's see I'm going to use all the things that are legal and available, such as those healthy cigarettes being sold everywhere.

Smoking' and loving it. Thanks America for being the fools you are and the hypocrites who sell this shit, that kill people daily, costs millions in Medicare dollars, but then no, don't take care of my health problems, take care of your mental problems. AT LEAST I ADMIT IT

Everything legal and sold over the counter today. Alcohol, why not a friend to the bi-polar, or those in direct contact with a drunk,  manic, angry bi-polar, it is legal to do. And I plan on trying out the finest of beers, and ride those Budweiser ponies.

What will happen? By now you should know that I don't even know. But then there are those who are so stupid...so stupid. I feel bad that they were given a brain incapable of an original thought, but I have unique thoughts everyday.

They want to chemically restrain me and allow their own folly to run free. I don't think so.

I'll be getting these drugs to you today, please await my arrival. I have to get a beer, and of course, as all these doctors say, "I don't eat enough."

How about a few humans on the menu today, will that help me gain weight?

No, I've had it, and now I've had a whole night of suffering and pain, and fear, but I only lovingly thought of you people who have helped me realize you are the ones in need of help.

Putting a contract under a partially blind person and pretending the contract was about something else, then making me sign it? I can't really believe it, but then you get what you give. In fact, one call late last night was for more information, I need to have an offense, and a defense.

The drugs are only part of this experiment as I said you sneaky bitch, you are the problem. I am your doctor, please tell me what I can do to help you fucking straighten your errant thinking and behavior.

I guess it's time...

Eyes wide open...listening to bi-polar stories

They were wide eyed when I finished the story...

I must say people who listen to my stories tend to be sort of shocked. I recently recounted the month of December in 2007. My cousin and her husband had not heard about the events of this wicked month, so I sort of went into the whole dramatic tale.

I suppose some background is in order, but that was the year I died on the bath tub and decided to come back. Yes, I discovered death's secret!

The first part of December, 2007, I had been attacked by my biological mother's friend, let's call him. He caught me off my guard one night, and a struggle which would last five hours took place. I wasn't in the best of shape, I was maybe 90 pounds, and emotionally drained dealing with my mother's breakdown.

This dude had some idea that he would overpower me and possibly rape me. I had the notion that there would be a fight before that happened...and there was. I'm not saying that I didn't get beat up, I had my head cracked against the dresser, but then that's my head, harder than fucking wood!

We fought and fought and finally he got up and said the famous words: "You're stronger than you look."

Indeed, mutherfucker!

The stress of that event would set off a drinking binge which would end with my sister and brother finding me in the house ingesting pills, ghostly white, and half dead. They were my rescue squad.

Earlier in the day I had tried to find this asshole to fuck him up. For some reason he wasn't home when I came calling. I took it personally and got very drunk.


My siblings took my sorry ass back to my brother's house where they waited to see if I could emotionally recover from the fight. My sister stayed with me too and we three bi-polars came together to survive another ordeal.


The book wrote itself...

Weird things happened when we the three bi-polars stayed together that week. My brother's father had died of a heart attack at the house only a month earlier.

The whole thing shook the stability of us all as his father had become sort of a stabilizing agent for us grown up kids! His loss was felt by the order of the bi-polar disorder, but my brother was deeply distraught and started drinking heavily every night. I honestly thought I would go insane myself from all the pressure.

Trying to stave off madness, I had my sister and brother hook up my computer and I started to write..the first book in the series, "The Chronicles of the Bi-polar Reporter." My mind was locked into the book, the imaginary story running through me without any effort.

I remember looking out at the people around me, but I could not hear them. I could see them talking, laughing, but I was inside the book. I was writing and I became the characters. I became the events of the story and I got lost there. 

No sleep for the weary only death...

After my book was complete, my sister had left, it was my brother, his booze, and the bird. It was tough as he kept the music playing, mostly Pink Floyd's "The Wall," all night. Then one night I woke up and realized he had passed out.

I was so happy I had to pee. Actually, I had to pee anyway, and tried to be quiet...that didn't work out too well. LOL

Hazy from the sleep, I quickly headed to the bathroom. I wasn't quite awake and kind of confused his house for my house, so when I entered the bathroom I tried to flip the light switch into the up position. Too bad for me as the switch was side to side. Ooops!

I had moved too quickly, the darkness grabbed me, and I fell forward. 

I was falling and had no idea where I would land. Time slowed down- my hands reaching for something, anything, to catch me.

The next thing I remember was a sound so loud it woke the dead, or my drunken brother in the other room. He said it was so loud he knew something terrible had happened.

It was a matter of inches...

We live and die within inches, and had I been standing four inches back I would have missed the pleasure of mutilating myself on the side of a tub. 

Quick point here is that I had been in the tub area earlier in the day getting it ready for my parrot, Sky, to take a bath. However, the tub was disgusting and I did not want my parrot in there. But I had done something which probably saved me from plastic surgery: I left the glass tub doors open.

Lazy ass that I am left those doors open and thankfully so, or I would be a face full of scars. 

Had the glass door been shut I would have hit that and likely had severe lacerations. As it was I hit the metal rail leaving a dent in it that fits my head!

Shit, some psychic's bend spoons, I bend metal rails with my fucking head. This metal rail has been examined by many people and each one is more amazed as the metal is solid with no give.(I'll show you a picture soon)

A bloody mess...

It wasn't a pretty scene, my brother said my blood sprayed the whole bathroom.

I remember hitting the tub, then drifting off above my body lying on the floor. I could see my spirit breaking into pieces, disassembling itself for the afterlife. It was eerily quiet except for the pleading voice of my brother: "Don't die!" 

Jesus Christ, that SOB, my brother, would not stop saying that.

Here I was in the presence of the creator, ready to bow out of my performance, and yet I could not because this sorry ass could not stop trying to save me. 

I knew I had a choice to die or not to die. "Oh shit!" I thought as I realized death would be boring and I would want to come back right away to avoid this boredom. New revelation! We do reincarnate for a reason.

In a moment, I resumed my life and I sat straight up. "Shut up!" I yelled at my pathetic, sobbing, brother. Yes, my first words back were shut up and I'm sure more cuss words.

It's not a theme I had expected. Near death did not contain any religious figures, any fan fare, only the stark realization that all we  have is here and now. Those fucking Bhuddists were not kidding.

My brother seemed satisfied that he had done his work and I would live. Fuck him! But I do love his tenacity, raising the dead takes some real balls!

Take me to the hospital, I ordered...

At the hospital, I was alert and covered in blood. Two nurses worked to clean the blood which was still bleeding from the wounds. Once they had cleared my face, they jumped back from me and said, "It's the reporter!."

Great.

Just what I needed upon my return from death was to be recognized at the hospital which loves to hate me. I didn't say much to them, but did not get much treatment either. No stitches, only a cleaning and some band aids.

There were two cuts in my forehead which match the rails on the tub. Then there was skin torn off between my eyes which should have solved the problem of my "uni-brow." However, the malignant hairs somehow grew back.

Then there was the damage to my left nostril. The hospital released me with continued bleeding, no stitches, and I had to contend with a severe cut inside my nose.

As I worked on myself at home in front of the mirror, a piece of my nose, cut like a watermelon wedge, fell out in my hand. I was kind of taken aback but decided it was too big a piece to just throw away. So, I found the wound and stuck the damn thing back in! I held pressure on it until it started to regrow back into the area it fell out of...Awesome!


It was a long night of mopping up the blood. I waited to be seen the next day by my regular doctor who did nothing. In fact, he told me that the tub rail had to be aluminum or I would have been dead from the accident. Well, I was dead, he had that part correct.

I never got one stitch but the clinic doctor said he would owe me some plastic surgery instead. Right. Yeah. 

I like my scars, they remind me of my brush with death. And death reminds me I'm alive right now, so fucking enjoy it!

Ten days after the fall I would have a stroke and be jettisoned into a portal in the hospital ER...LOL. That's another story for another time.


My cousin just gasped...

So, my cousin and her husband listened to the story, well they gasped mostly. At one or two points I heard, "oh my God!" And I do believe they had big wide eyes.

The issue of dying has caused more than some disagreement among people who have heard this story. I know what happened to me. I have a tub rail sitting on my deck with my head imprinted in it. I remember it all!

These things happened to me in month's time. There really is so much to learn in this life...I can hardly wrap my head around it! LOL

Have a great day and I hope you create stories that could raise the eyebrow of a bi-polar! Go get 'em!

Laura Hart (bored with death)

Zen and the art of bi-polar

Keeping it real...

Knowing that my bi-polar chemistry has great potential for misuse, LOL, as with any other drug or chemical that alters your thinking, you must be aware of what is happening at all times.

I know I've drifted in and out of depression a few times in the last two weeks. There was a low then a gradual rise in energy to meet the day. I did not stay in the low, I was aware of it, saw the cause then removed the problem.

Each time I encounter a problem it becomes an immediate issue to remove it so I can enjoy myself. I choose not to become involved in each and every mood swing. And I choose to be happy in this moment. I'm also well aware I have no other moments, but right fucking now! That simplifies things for me...

Thank God for stretch denim...

I've noticed that everyone has an eating disorder of some sort. At first I thought it was me, but NOOOO all of us has one of these eating disorder thingies.

I get the fun disorder where you eat and everyone cheers you on! I'm too skinny, doesn't that suck?

As I pointed out at our NA meeting the other night, if I were fat and had bought a roll of cookie dough- tore the package open with my teeth- squeezed the dough out a hole as I drove home- someone would not have thought it was so cute. But that was me a week ago. 

These are the unfortunate and sad realities of judgmental thinking. I happen to be underweight-or I used to be-now my stomach hangs out further than my boobs or butt! That's where stretch denim is both handy and comfortable.

Everyone has a weight issue, so we need to put it aside long enough to enjoy life! 

Still underweight according to US statistics...

It would be difficult to continue this kind of eating binge. Every two hours it's food, food, food. At night I can't sleep with out food. But I could still use more weight for my height! Likely, this binge will end on its own and I will adopt new habits.

I can feel the food whether it reacts to the needs of my body. There seems to be a way to know "how to eat." This is part of my mission.

Right now, it's me as a child, eating whatever crap I remember as good. Hot tamales, the candy not the Mexican dish, happen to be a favorite for moments of anxiety. I like the jelly bean like candy sticking to my teeth. I know that must be wrong somehow, but I do! I love it!

I think I'll mellow out on the food as soon as I satisfy this beast within. I'll write, "Feed me Seymour" on this growth I used to call my abs!

I guess we will see what weight is best. I have bigger plans for me than just weight gain. I plan on making this body work like a top...for it's age anyway.

Suspend your judgment...

Now that I've told you that everyone has an eating disorder are you going to watch how you eat? What if you find yourself thinking you may just have an eating problem? That's your new mission to figure out the problem then fucking get rid of it. Not that easy when it comes to food.

Question yourself: "how does this food make me feel?" The whole point is we truly do react to our food. And not just the content of the food. Also the preparation. Was it really made with love? Or did a pubescent throw it together on a grill? Taking care of our food does make it better!

Today we all endeavor to know how we are eating and what it is doing to us. Whether we think we're heavy, underweight, slim, bulky, droopy, phat, robust, humungous, misshapen-(you get the message)-we can agree that our disorder needs balance. The key to all bi-polar is balance. Start there. Have a great day! Laura Hart (hungry)

The sensitive bi-polar...

Yes we can be sensitive...

As I wrote the definition of being a bi-polar American, BPA, I realized I had not touched on the more sensitive side to our kind. We are a mutant species, most likely, with the ability to see both sides, the up and down, left to right, and so on. We live it daily.

Sometimes we can be mistaken for people who don't care. It's quite the contrary though, we care far too much. In my case it's been a problem as I get angry when people are hurt, taken advantage of, harmed in any way. I care about the whole world, which makes for some long days.

People know they can count on me. They know that I will likely be by their side through the most difficult of times. I will be supportive or I'll do the dirty work, whichever is necessary.


Don't tell me it's not tough...

Caring about people is the toughest thing you'll love to do. When you don't care is when the problem starts and life gets twisted.

The whole process of caring starts with the idea that we are important and that life is important. Well, it is and it isn't. In some ways the only thing that makes life tolerable is the love and kindness of others. I try to make sure to be kind whenever I can.

I enjoy being kind, it's really not a problem. People don't always care if I'm kind or not, but I put it out there, allow my enthusiasm, sense of humor, compassion, to be in the forefront.

I'm not kind because I have to be...

Some people pretend to be kind. They do it so that others will accept them, they try to avoid judgment, and they lose their whole life doing this.

Be kind because it's fun to be kind. It's nice to make someone smile. And it's infectious. Spread the kindness around.

When kindness doesn't work...

What happens when you're kind and caring, and others are the opposite? That's where we have to take into consideration the why of it all. Why did she do that? Why is he doing this? Well, if you're honest then you realize that everyone has problems and sometimes they cannot see beyond those problems to smile back at your happy ass.

And there are times when you SHOULD be bold and tell the truth above all else rather than"play" kind. Sometimes there are wake up calls other people should be hearing. This does not mean we are better or worse than anyone else. It simply means we have a vantage point to look at that someone may have blinded themselves to.

When I was young, yesterday, I thought I was the worst piece of shit on this planet. I assumed no one else could be as bad or ridiculous as I am. I still battle these feelings. But as I've gotten older I've had to put them aside and listen to the wisdom of the universe. It's ridiculous to think I'm the worst. And when you get in touch with the universe you too will realize how much we are the "best."

We are incredible, but then everything is incredible. I enjoy each moment. I'm amazed at it all.

You can't always be kind...

Sometimes kindness doesn't pan out and it's time to use other methods of getting your point across. In some cases where you see people drifting into negativity or they are being harmful, it's time to use bigger guns. We all have the ability to speak up and stand up for something.

We may not think we have the courage, but we do have it, and we can use it to make changes. If you believe you are strong enough to challenge those who are harmful, then you are. It's all that simple yet we don't see it that way.

The universe stands behind those with the courage to be strong, humble and kind. You will have back up from this creator in whatever you do when you follow these small steps. Expect miracles as they are here for the taking.

Create a great day...

For today, don't be afraid to be kind to those who need kindness. This could be anyone, your friend, loved one, co-worker, boss, neighbor, customer service rep, or whomever. And equally don't be afraid to tell someone the truth when they need to hear it.

The great things we can do and the excitement we can add to our lives when we actually live it, is amazing. Go forth and make this life something special. Laura Hart (creative type)

The last thing I wanted to do...so I did it!

Crawling under the house...

I thought I would never crawl under my house, I would hire someone, or remove the house first. But as we know Murphy's law always wins when you "NEVER" want to do something.

My dog Walter and I were working in the yard when we heard the hissing sound. "Shit," was my first reaction as I saw the water collecting underneath this old fucking house. I also did not want to deal with a plumber or some facsimile thereof. I've done plumbing and it's not rocket science.

So, a friend kind of motivated me to go under the house. It was more like, "do it" but it got me under there. I ended up crawling several times, slithering under the pipes, finding the leak.

Some crazy mutherfuckers did my plumbing, landscaping and everything to do with this money pit. It was an odd concoction I found under the house. I went ahead and replaced it or I would have had to replace the plumbing...which I will eventually.

It felt really good to do this. I say that without my usual sarcasm. I fixed the leak, and am now motivated to change the leaky faucets inside the house too!

Doing what needs to be done...

I am finding myself doing things I have not done in a very long time. I have loads of work, not including the daily maintenance which is my house, animals, and me, the slob. Picking up after myself is a full time job!

It's a new day with all new POTENTIAL meaning I can find something awesome in anything, at anytime. I resisted doing the plumbing due to the fact that I had to crawl under a dirty house, with God knows what underneath there. It was not so bad. It was fine in fact, which opens up the possibility for more work, and accomplishing things I had closed off with my thinking that I would not crawl under my house.

So, the message for the day would be: don't close off your thinking! I know that if I can crawl under my house, get the creepy crawly feeling too, then we all can open up doors and walk through them. I'm going to open doors today and see where I can find more possibility! Hope you knock on some doors too. Laura Hart (ready for more)