"The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
Jack London
Resuming the Bi-Polar American
There have been so many things going on in my life, inside and out, of recent, but when I saw the reports of two young teenagers, 15 and 16, killing themselves, I couldn't help being effected.
I've met so many young kids in this town, some have jobs, do well in school, have ambition, know where they are going, but these are very much the minority.
Most of what I see have been teenagers completely out of touch with the world around them, parents equally out of touch or even out of reach. Nobody to turn to, except friends, drugs or alcohol.
It's not a pretty picture, teenagers with no self esteem, no skills, no security whatsoever, hiding their pain, just trying to survive.
Life is what we make it or how much we can take it
Who the hell just wants to survive out there, raise your hands? Not me. Doesn't sound like a great future, simply surviving.
And I'm not talking about how much money you have, your car, your hair color, skin color, your boobs, your dicks, I'm talking about how you think and what you create with those thoughts.
Now who wants to learn what you really are? I know any teenager faced with that question thinks they would rather not know who they really are because it's going to be bad news. They are going to be told of a terrible nature they wish they could avoid hearing about.
Knowing what you are and being judged have to be clarified to get this point.
Judgment, good or bad, as they say, is simply a way of defining things. It's also a way of causing separation, division, miscommunication, all really cool things too. Sometimes though it can be described as a decision making process but is nevertheless inferior to understanding and acceptance.
Understanding means a willingness to go past the cover of the book and really get inside and find out what is going on. It's not a necessarily unpleasant task, it means you take more into consideration whereas judging you narrow the field.
When we were all young, tiny ones, we crawled around, finding things, tasting them, touching them, spitting some out, and experiencing the world. It was fun, dangerous, great. There were no parameters at this juncture, and the world was incredible. Television...ooo...now we have 9000 channels and nothing to watch. At one some juncture you probably found a different type of grass interesting, the tiny stalks called a lawn.
Remember looking up in the sky and seeing the vastness, watching the blinking, the stars, the color, the moon, it was all part of the universe, a big, big, big universe with variety, sanity, chaos, God; we were in heaven. Our minds and spirits were open and the world was abundant in every way.
We had our keepers, our parents or whomever loved us enough to care for us, in most cases, we were kept from danger as we began the journey.
It's all still here, and you have to find it, believe in it, and have faith that everything is the way it is supposed to be.
What I notice with teenagers is the beginning of "losing yourself" which is necessary to beginning the bigger journey finding yourself in everything else.
You're moving through a process
Then comes fear, it's the time of life where we have to look at the dangerous side, as unlike the stage of exploration and adventure which some of us were allowed early on, we start looking for absolutes.
These absolutes are to protect us as we have swung on the pendulum from gas to brakes. It is a stage, that hopefully we can break through, where we have our "rebellion."
We need to be told how to be ourselves for some odd reason at this point of life, I don't understand, but it comes along with the fear stage.
Seeking a structure to live in our minds and hearts begins to appear. Sometimes this is where I notice many people must get caught in their lives. The need for a "rule book" or a set of instructions comes from that fear the feeling of separation which is a natural course if you follow it through.
When you begin thinking for yourself, you will learn that we are all thinking the same things. So, you think you're so smart? You are.
The rebellion
You start out on a course of adventure, there is nothing to fear. You move to the next stage where everything should be feared. Spiders are no longer friends to follow across the fence. They are dangerous man eating, poisonous, deadly creatures which must be eliminated for your survival.
At this point I think we all begin to understand our adventure could be over if we decide to swim in the pool and don't know how to swim.
Eventually, we delineate what is dangerous in our opinion, and what is an acceptable risk. Balancing it out. The world is all bi-polar from the north pole to the south pole.
Then we begin to question everything, and we don't really like the answers we are getting as young adults. Our parents didn't tell us everything did they? How could your mother tell you about the time she and her pals drank until they puked and slept with her cousin or something?
Communication breaks down as parents try to remain in control as they see more danger than a teenager who simply hasn't had that much experience. But at this point, we all must break free of our parents/society/family/ and begin the fun part of being responsible for our own actions.
Again, we go the other way and learn that our parents weren't as stupid or even, were worse than we thought.
Now you think for yourself
I can't help wondering how these two particular teens made the decision to go to the extreme of suicide.
There are always multitudes of answers for problems, but one answer that has no return receipt is suicide.
These very young people made a serious decision. There had to be a problem that they believed this was an answer to use. We don't know what it was necessarily, but we see they did not communicate with anyone to warn them of this potential decision.
I wonder myself these days and especially now why I thought suicide was an option for me.
Suicide doesn't have to be a sudden death, it can be a lifetime of self abuse, it can be killing your spirit, denying your knowledge of being part of it all, letting yourself be used by others to the point of not knowing your own worth. No, I think suicide is a way of thinking.
We at any point must start thinking for ourselves, as I spoke of understanding and acceptance.
As a teen you are still working under the boss, your keepers, your teachers, your family hierarchy, but if you are not communicating or able to be close and truthful, learning trust, you may find yourself feeling alienated and alone.
Often these are the fuels which lead to the desire to consider death as an alternative to life. We have been given that option, there is a way to override any instinct for continued existence.
Understand you are okay no matter if you were the one who spilled the Kool aid on the carpet, the one who is labeled "always in trouble," the fat kid, the red haired kid, the youngest, oldest, whatever, it really is okay and so are you.
Now what are you going to do with this? You're going to open your mouth and talk to someone if you feel like you need to talk. Some people want to tell you what to do and that makes them feel important. Sometimes they are more correct than you and that's okay too.
Just talk...Don't go down the road of suicide or even long term suicide, there are many answers and just as many people with ideas, so seek them out. If you find you have no one, you are not looking hard enough. It's right there, it's called prayer in certain circles and meditation and focus, these are all states of mind.
You are never "alone." It's sometimes a matter of reaching out and developing a trust in the universe, but for those who like absolutes, you are never alone. The universe is so close you may not even see it. It's there always.
It's only in how you choose to percieve it does it change into either loneliness for some, freedom for others, time to think for some, and moments with our attention toward God.
I've been working with kids all my life, as I've been passing along what I have learned, I find I am the one doing the learning. Thank you. I've gained so much from talking with these kids many of you walk by or judge. They have helped me learn about what happened to me in my life while often times brightening my day with their whispy ways.
My basic message is that you the next generation, are all right. You have a challenge ahead of you as you have seen what greed, war, racism, sexism, genocide, did to this world over the ages. You also have new tools and new dreams for the future.
But first you have to get through today. If it's too tough, as it sometimes is, don't make it worse, you have the power to make it better: you think it better. (no band aid required)
Stay alive and create miracles
First thing I want to make sure is that nobody judges these children who committed suicide as them being any more flawed than the rest of us. They weren't weak, they weren't inferior, they were simply human. They made a decisions that is all.
We are the ones who should learn.
They are in God's arms, safe and secure, and we are here to talk about what other options there are in this challenging world around us.
Let me tell you there is so much out there you need to go back and start over and begin your journey everyday.
You are flawed, but perfectly so. Enjoy it, laugh at it, and remember that you have been given all you will ever need. We are all going to die eventually, but now is the time you've been given to live.
What are you doing with it? Right now...Each moment you have a choice.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Resuming the Bi-Polar American
I'm back, for all it's worth, but I felt I had to discuss more of the issues of bi-polar as there's now more to tell.
After many years living as a bi-polar I now have realized that I have the ability to control or to abuse the use of the chemicals which live in my brain. Or rather are produced in my brain.
As I've said before we are a factory of chemical combinations which can create havoc, negativity, rage, self loathing, and on the other side, incredible physical strength and "High Times" like euphoria, if you're lucky.
I've always tended to lean towards the more hypomanic side, which I knew from an early age how to create without the use of anything other than a few less hours of sleep. Can you imagine what the junkies would do with my brain and my chemicals?
We often abuse them in the sense that what goes up must come down, there is much to be learned about the ability to rise and fall, like the sun and the moon, and I don't know at this point if I can actually master this.
After Graves disease set in there have been issues in my own thinking that I either learned from or would have been killed by them. I've never experienced my bi-polar the way I do now.
The comment regarding the suspicion that Grave's and or thyroid related disorders can achieve the same sorts of chemical changes in us, is in my opinion very much an avenue to research. I've seen much alteration in personality in people who have this hormone off balance.
But thyroid controls so many things that it is even more so a threat as well as a challenge for physicians to understand thyroid in all patients not only bi-polar types.
I've read much regarding the "personality" and physical changes in people who have a thyroid disorder and they can begin to react like a bi-polar without ever having experienced any of the bi-polar seasons.
So, I would agree if you see any changes in your friends or family that have not been there before, you may be dealing with the Chief of the hormones, thyroid.
The thyroid can alter other hormones, male and female, can cause weight gain or weight loss, can actually kill you without it in your body and kill you if you have too much or lead into what they describe as "thyroid storm."
Thyroid storm is when there is far too much of the chemical in your body and generally cardiac arrest occurs which cannot be treated.
Personally speaking, the thyroid issue is so complicated when mixed with the bi-polar personality and things have and still are out of my control.
For instance, this last month has been the most physically challenging month of my life, I would say on every level. Not that I've defeated it, I just keep going. I try to learn from everything that happens.
I don't fear death, I am however sometimes offended by life. I simply don't think it's all that fun or interesting if the world turns on it's own axis and there is a bi-polar world which has no awareness of it's condition.
Staying aware of your states of mind is imperative to us chemically improved, bionic brains which don't turn off sometimes even after they are unplugged. It must be somehow that we get the luxury of being frightening to others who only wish they could muster an original thought.
Or those who think we are somehow "disabled."
Are race car drivers disabled? No, they just drive faster than those stuck on the LA freeways at midday.
If an average person tries to understand the many challenges (I'm using this word as it makes use of the action necessary to deal with or understanding your unique chemical make up) of having to stay on top of the emotional and physical at all times, they would tire of it quickly.
The world is made up of many kinds of people, labeling is, well, stupid. So, the first people are the stupid people. Stupid means they are too frightened to open the doors of perception and let in ideas and accept their own individuality. That's all it is, as the usage of people being derived of some lesser quality is only a false idea. Everyone has something to give to this world.
Ignorance is bliss for some and honestly I am jealous as I can't really remain "ignoring" things that are trying to improve me, as sandpaper smoothes the wood and brings out the grain. Each issue I run up against is a chance, an opportunity to learn something new.
Remaining ignorant that bi-polar like issues are strictly for those of us given the label or title like in a movie, means that people will be clueless to their own reactions to experiences, other people, and their place in this universe.
We can all conjure up a chemistry that is unlike others, hence coffee in the morning.
Oh, yeah, give me a cup of coffee and I will talk for two days while swinging from a chandelier.
People want a "pick me up" and don't realize it's right there in your brain, pick it up. You don't have to drink it, eat it or smoke it, you just think it.
So, people go out to be on drugs possibly as they have not mastered or even begun to see what they are made of.
Alcohol, the nemesis of the bi-polar, the pain killer, the legal substance killing so many, it's suicide. Suicide doesn't mean you kill yourself instantly, it means you kill yourself and your spirit little by little until the parts waste away and death is your savior.
Well, I'm here again to tell you that I have experienced death and chose to return. Why?
First, I was grateful for the experience, but it wasn't what you think it might be. No, there was no angles or demons or bright lights, and Jesus, Buddha, Allah were all missing, there was only one word there spoken, and that word, was "death" with a question mark on the end.
It's really not all that exciting it's more of a release back to the security we all seek here on earth but can't have and the security we want to slough off when we get there. I knew if I died I would be bored.
Yes, death is boring, life is what we seek. But with balance we seek both and at times which seem to be on our own clock.
And our destiny, what is that about? I have begun to realize that I have experienced many types of people and situations in my life, and maybe they all have had a reason.
I sure hope so as I have been wondering lately if my time is not nearing, if I have learned all I came to learn, or if it's death in the figurative sense that I'm ready to make great changes in my thinking which will spill out in my actions and ability to relate to the world.
Many times I feel isolated as I do it to myself when I can't understand the ridiculous world people want to live in and like. We have been always under the guidance of this universe, we are part of the stardust that made everything including the things you and I may not like.
Judging the world is also a hiding place as we are not good or bad, we are both, and they are merely judgments. Good things happen that seem good but decay. Bad things grow up and around, but have a meaning too.
I happen to believe in God and that is what keeps me going as I struggle through so many challenges I feel overwhelmed much of the time. But I can't complain as I pray for these lessons, I think I may need to pray for "kinder and gentler" lessons.
But then again...I may enjoy this kind of life where I believe with certainty that everything happens for a reason and it is within each of these tiny events a rope dangling from the universe to grab onto.
After this last month, I just didn't quite get it together after I slammed my car door on my face. Yes, I know, it's ridiculous. Then I've now had oral surgery and my first tooth removed in my life, but lingering pain occurs, and another tooth has been harmed.
Why me? Because I deserve bad things or that I hit some ice in the road or I'm somehow a bad person. Probably not, those are judgmental ideas which don't create any sort of productive outcome.
"I think therefore I am," means more to me than probably the philosopher Descartes who is attributed with that famous quote.
My mind clears and it fogs over where I can hardly see. Depends on my thinking.
What is thinking and how do you do it? That is something nobody wants to admit, but what you think is a form of energy which can be used for many different things and take on many different tones or colors. It can also manifest in other ways such as illness or what I call physical pockets of lies we accepted and continue to hold onto.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own cognitive process which leads to the creation of many different types of actions and reactions.
When I react it's more unconscious than anything else. I want to improve and be more active than reactive.
And the kinds of actions I engage in have changed and I do want that.
But there is much to discuss and maybe time to do it. Today is your day, whoever, and whatever you label yourself as. If things happen you did not want to face, than it's time to face it. Why let things overwhelm you?
Everyone of us is here on this planet, this dirt and water balloon, hanging in space, and we each have choices.
Choices are like money, how do you want to spend it? Do you choose to stay happy as often as not? Or are your thoughts more trying to avoid a possible danger and cling to security?
You will have your security back the day you die. (And by the way your credit is cleared too)
But right now I'm going through a stretch which I could not begin to explain except that I prayed for healing for my health or more so not asking, doing. Now my body is doing some very strange things and I am talking to my body directly as to what it needs and wants to heal.
I've accepted this will be the time in my life where I clear out much Karma, or as I interpret it, things that have lingered too long in my life, fears and falsehoods I've accepted about life.
Next up: someone asked me about my "fighting" life and I know that it is something I must address to carry on. It's been a long life and I'm fighting against something I fought as a child: the twisted people who had me carrying around their lies and cruelty for far too long.
And this experience made me a lie detector too, which isn't always pleasant to know you are being told things that are not exactly real or true, but solely for the benefit of people who don't want or can't face themselves.
I've made a decision to face forward myself. Meaning I want to know what it is that drives me and no longer fear what I am. It's not an easy process and it is one I must do on my own as there are few who can even begin to understand my intentions.
And the energy I can conjure is something of a storm, so I try to keep it away from people who cannot understand or will be hurt even if that is not my intent.
I've lied to myself too, and that is where I begin my search for the core issues which drive me and my life. I've got conflict written all over me and negativity coming at me like missiles. I have people refusing to believe; people who have no hope; and those who are attacking me for reasons they don't even know.
Having experienced this before, in my childhood, I realize this current situation relates directly to the beginning, "my big bang" when this personality was born. And it's time to rebuild the foundation whatever the outcome.
Painful decisions have been made to remove certain people from my life as I go through it, and I only want them to know I do it for them, not me. I know I've told many of you to stay away from me for now, but it's for your own good. I have many deep seated, wounds that must be dealt with now or they never will be done again in this setting called my current life.
We will talk again...have a sunny day and remember you still have to deal with the darkness too, it's part of the cycle...of life. And it's not just us bi-polars.
After many years living as a bi-polar I now have realized that I have the ability to control or to abuse the use of the chemicals which live in my brain. Or rather are produced in my brain.
As I've said before we are a factory of chemical combinations which can create havoc, negativity, rage, self loathing, and on the other side, incredible physical strength and "High Times" like euphoria, if you're lucky.
I've always tended to lean towards the more hypomanic side, which I knew from an early age how to create without the use of anything other than a few less hours of sleep. Can you imagine what the junkies would do with my brain and my chemicals?
We often abuse them in the sense that what goes up must come down, there is much to be learned about the ability to rise and fall, like the sun and the moon, and I don't know at this point if I can actually master this.
After Graves disease set in there have been issues in my own thinking that I either learned from or would have been killed by them. I've never experienced my bi-polar the way I do now.
The comment regarding the suspicion that Grave's and or thyroid related disorders can achieve the same sorts of chemical changes in us, is in my opinion very much an avenue to research. I've seen much alteration in personality in people who have this hormone off balance.
But thyroid controls so many things that it is even more so a threat as well as a challenge for physicians to understand thyroid in all patients not only bi-polar types.
I've read much regarding the "personality" and physical changes in people who have a thyroid disorder and they can begin to react like a bi-polar without ever having experienced any of the bi-polar seasons.
So, I would agree if you see any changes in your friends or family that have not been there before, you may be dealing with the Chief of the hormones, thyroid.
The thyroid can alter other hormones, male and female, can cause weight gain or weight loss, can actually kill you without it in your body and kill you if you have too much or lead into what they describe as "thyroid storm."
Thyroid storm is when there is far too much of the chemical in your body and generally cardiac arrest occurs which cannot be treated.
Personally speaking, the thyroid issue is so complicated when mixed with the bi-polar personality and things have and still are out of my control.
For instance, this last month has been the most physically challenging month of my life, I would say on every level. Not that I've defeated it, I just keep going. I try to learn from everything that happens.
I don't fear death, I am however sometimes offended by life. I simply don't think it's all that fun or interesting if the world turns on it's own axis and there is a bi-polar world which has no awareness of it's condition.
Staying aware of your states of mind is imperative to us chemically improved, bionic brains which don't turn off sometimes even after they are unplugged. It must be somehow that we get the luxury of being frightening to others who only wish they could muster an original thought.
Or those who think we are somehow "disabled."
Are race car drivers disabled? No, they just drive faster than those stuck on the LA freeways at midday.
If an average person tries to understand the many challenges (I'm using this word as it makes use of the action necessary to deal with or understanding your unique chemical make up) of having to stay on top of the emotional and physical at all times, they would tire of it quickly.
The world is made up of many kinds of people, labeling is, well, stupid. So, the first people are the stupid people. Stupid means they are too frightened to open the doors of perception and let in ideas and accept their own individuality. That's all it is, as the usage of people being derived of some lesser quality is only a false idea. Everyone has something to give to this world.
Ignorance is bliss for some and honestly I am jealous as I can't really remain "ignoring" things that are trying to improve me, as sandpaper smoothes the wood and brings out the grain. Each issue I run up against is a chance, an opportunity to learn something new.
Remaining ignorant that bi-polar like issues are strictly for those of us given the label or title like in a movie, means that people will be clueless to their own reactions to experiences, other people, and their place in this universe.
We can all conjure up a chemistry that is unlike others, hence coffee in the morning.
Oh, yeah, give me a cup of coffee and I will talk for two days while swinging from a chandelier.
People want a "pick me up" and don't realize it's right there in your brain, pick it up. You don't have to drink it, eat it or smoke it, you just think it.
So, people go out to be on drugs possibly as they have not mastered or even begun to see what they are made of.
Alcohol, the nemesis of the bi-polar, the pain killer, the legal substance killing so many, it's suicide. Suicide doesn't mean you kill yourself instantly, it means you kill yourself and your spirit little by little until the parts waste away and death is your savior.
Well, I'm here again to tell you that I have experienced death and chose to return. Why?
First, I was grateful for the experience, but it wasn't what you think it might be. No, there was no angles or demons or bright lights, and Jesus, Buddha, Allah were all missing, there was only one word there spoken, and that word, was "death" with a question mark on the end.
It's really not all that exciting it's more of a release back to the security we all seek here on earth but can't have and the security we want to slough off when we get there. I knew if I died I would be bored.
Yes, death is boring, life is what we seek. But with balance we seek both and at times which seem to be on our own clock.
And our destiny, what is that about? I have begun to realize that I have experienced many types of people and situations in my life, and maybe they all have had a reason.
I sure hope so as I have been wondering lately if my time is not nearing, if I have learned all I came to learn, or if it's death in the figurative sense that I'm ready to make great changes in my thinking which will spill out in my actions and ability to relate to the world.
Many times I feel isolated as I do it to myself when I can't understand the ridiculous world people want to live in and like. We have been always under the guidance of this universe, we are part of the stardust that made everything including the things you and I may not like.
Judging the world is also a hiding place as we are not good or bad, we are both, and they are merely judgments. Good things happen that seem good but decay. Bad things grow up and around, but have a meaning too.
I happen to believe in God and that is what keeps me going as I struggle through so many challenges I feel overwhelmed much of the time. But I can't complain as I pray for these lessons, I think I may need to pray for "kinder and gentler" lessons.
But then again...I may enjoy this kind of life where I believe with certainty that everything happens for a reason and it is within each of these tiny events a rope dangling from the universe to grab onto.
After this last month, I just didn't quite get it together after I slammed my car door on my face. Yes, I know, it's ridiculous. Then I've now had oral surgery and my first tooth removed in my life, but lingering pain occurs, and another tooth has been harmed.
Why me? Because I deserve bad things or that I hit some ice in the road or I'm somehow a bad person. Probably not, those are judgmental ideas which don't create any sort of productive outcome.
"I think therefore I am," means more to me than probably the philosopher Descartes who is attributed with that famous quote.
My mind clears and it fogs over where I can hardly see. Depends on my thinking.
What is thinking and how do you do it? That is something nobody wants to admit, but what you think is a form of energy which can be used for many different things and take on many different tones or colors. It can also manifest in other ways such as illness or what I call physical pockets of lies we accepted and continue to hold onto.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own cognitive process which leads to the creation of many different types of actions and reactions.
When I react it's more unconscious than anything else. I want to improve and be more active than reactive.
And the kinds of actions I engage in have changed and I do want that.
But there is much to discuss and maybe time to do it. Today is your day, whoever, and whatever you label yourself as. If things happen you did not want to face, than it's time to face it. Why let things overwhelm you?
Everyone of us is here on this planet, this dirt and water balloon, hanging in space, and we each have choices.
Choices are like money, how do you want to spend it? Do you choose to stay happy as often as not? Or are your thoughts more trying to avoid a possible danger and cling to security?
You will have your security back the day you die. (And by the way your credit is cleared too)
But right now I'm going through a stretch which I could not begin to explain except that I prayed for healing for my health or more so not asking, doing. Now my body is doing some very strange things and I am talking to my body directly as to what it needs and wants to heal.
I've accepted this will be the time in my life where I clear out much Karma, or as I interpret it, things that have lingered too long in my life, fears and falsehoods I've accepted about life.
Next up: someone asked me about my "fighting" life and I know that it is something I must address to carry on. It's been a long life and I'm fighting against something I fought as a child: the twisted people who had me carrying around their lies and cruelty for far too long.
And this experience made me a lie detector too, which isn't always pleasant to know you are being told things that are not exactly real or true, but solely for the benefit of people who don't want or can't face themselves.
I've made a decision to face forward myself. Meaning I want to know what it is that drives me and no longer fear what I am. It's not an easy process and it is one I must do on my own as there are few who can even begin to understand my intentions.
And the energy I can conjure is something of a storm, so I try to keep it away from people who cannot understand or will be hurt even if that is not my intent.
I've lied to myself too, and that is where I begin my search for the core issues which drive me and my life. I've got conflict written all over me and negativity coming at me like missiles. I have people refusing to believe; people who have no hope; and those who are attacking me for reasons they don't even know.
Having experienced this before, in my childhood, I realize this current situation relates directly to the beginning, "my big bang" when this personality was born. And it's time to rebuild the foundation whatever the outcome.
Painful decisions have been made to remove certain people from my life as I go through it, and I only want them to know I do it for them, not me. I know I've told many of you to stay away from me for now, but it's for your own good. I have many deep seated, wounds that must be dealt with now or they never will be done again in this setting called my current life.
We will talk again...have a sunny day and remember you still have to deal with the darkness too, it's part of the cycle...of life. And it's not just us bi-polars.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Spiritual Warrior against fighting...
I used to think that the only way to live and be strong was to fight. Sometimes it didn't matter what i fought for or against, it was a way to live. Or was it?
Things have changed dramatically for me, mostly because I inisist that they do.
Somehow I need to know who and why I am, and it doesn't go away. It's been there all my life. I went to every church looking for God or something God like, and what I kept finding was dissappointment. I needed information about who I am and where I am supposed to be going.
God seemed like the first place to look. Then it was people, I was always interested in the way people think and why they do what they do. But I seemed to gain nothing but a sad underlying world.
People were never happy with themselves and even more so they were less happy with those who might think it's okay to just be okay. I was like that, okay to do what I felt like doing.
But then the this personal happiness was challenged regularly with the help of those around me. It seemed I was not allowed to be happy and accept things for what they are and were.
I carried my childhood around like an anchor for years. I dragged it everywhere, telling the story over and over in my head, in writing, drunk on the front lawn.
Then came the time I had to tell the truth to myself, that it no longer mattered what had happened. The thought itself seemed to diminish me but it was true. It helped me become sick. I know that illness doesn't come from bacteria and viruses, recently anyway.
What I didn't realize was that it was okay to be me all along and that is was also okay to have been fooled into thinking of myself as less important than anything else on this planet or off it. It was a lesson learned. A tough lesson fought as I decided to say what I felt no matter how it was interpretted.
But no, I never had the incling to be "right." It was not about being right, it was about the level of wrongness, the things that could be changed if one were to set a course in that direction.
I've tried to do that, it doesn't always work, but I have more soul to me than I ever have. I see the levels of thinking, the trust I had wanted to have in others is actually in me, and that is where I got side tracked.
I started fighting.
I would say if I took a guess that the person I have the most problems dealing with is me. It's not about what others do, that can be solved generally with some focus on that outcome. But it is about what I do. And that is why I'm here on this planet with the rest of you.
You can't dodge it anymore than I can. Today I feel like I don't have all the much time in this particular drama left, and there are a few things I would like to do before that happens.
One is to forgive myself completely for not being what somebody talked me into thinking is a perfect life. I didn't and don't really think I ever wanted a standard life. I can let go of the things which are bad for me and hang on to the wisdom of the universe.
I may never fight again, or I may tear up the land with my claws, it doesn't matter, either way I will have to forgive myself, and let things that don't work go, and hold tightly to the map and compass which have been made for me.
It's again time for a change, as I've shared with some of you, I no longer want to live the life I've been living. I saw the core, the problem, and it's in me. It's a painful world, hard and tough for many, and it's easy going for others. Oddly, those two examples, the painful world, could be a Senator on Capitol Hill who only wanted to help, but had to see that he couldn't. Others who take the easy route, they avoid risks, confrontation, trouble, believing hot means hurt.
What do I want now?
Either my dollar bill back out of the machine or some candy...
Thus ends the bipolar American, but the end is always a beginning.
Things have changed dramatically for me, mostly because I inisist that they do.
Somehow I need to know who and why I am, and it doesn't go away. It's been there all my life. I went to every church looking for God or something God like, and what I kept finding was dissappointment. I needed information about who I am and where I am supposed to be going.
God seemed like the first place to look. Then it was people, I was always interested in the way people think and why they do what they do. But I seemed to gain nothing but a sad underlying world.
People were never happy with themselves and even more so they were less happy with those who might think it's okay to just be okay. I was like that, okay to do what I felt like doing.
But then the this personal happiness was challenged regularly with the help of those around me. It seemed I was not allowed to be happy and accept things for what they are and were.
I carried my childhood around like an anchor for years. I dragged it everywhere, telling the story over and over in my head, in writing, drunk on the front lawn.
Then came the time I had to tell the truth to myself, that it no longer mattered what had happened. The thought itself seemed to diminish me but it was true. It helped me become sick. I know that illness doesn't come from bacteria and viruses, recently anyway.
What I didn't realize was that it was okay to be me all along and that is was also okay to have been fooled into thinking of myself as less important than anything else on this planet or off it. It was a lesson learned. A tough lesson fought as I decided to say what I felt no matter how it was interpretted.
But no, I never had the incling to be "right." It was not about being right, it was about the level of wrongness, the things that could be changed if one were to set a course in that direction.
I've tried to do that, it doesn't always work, but I have more soul to me than I ever have. I see the levels of thinking, the trust I had wanted to have in others is actually in me, and that is where I got side tracked.
I started fighting.
I would say if I took a guess that the person I have the most problems dealing with is me. It's not about what others do, that can be solved generally with some focus on that outcome. But it is about what I do. And that is why I'm here on this planet with the rest of you.
You can't dodge it anymore than I can. Today I feel like I don't have all the much time in this particular drama left, and there are a few things I would like to do before that happens.
One is to forgive myself completely for not being what somebody talked me into thinking is a perfect life. I didn't and don't really think I ever wanted a standard life. I can let go of the things which are bad for me and hang on to the wisdom of the universe.
I may never fight again, or I may tear up the land with my claws, it doesn't matter, either way I will have to forgive myself, and let things that don't work go, and hold tightly to the map and compass which have been made for me.
It's again time for a change, as I've shared with some of you, I no longer want to live the life I've been living. I saw the core, the problem, and it's in me. It's a painful world, hard and tough for many, and it's easy going for others. Oddly, those two examples, the painful world, could be a Senator on Capitol Hill who only wanted to help, but had to see that he couldn't. Others who take the easy route, they avoid risks, confrontation, trouble, believing hot means hurt.
What do I want now?
Either my dollar bill back out of the machine or some candy...
Thus ends the bipolar American, but the end is always a beginning.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Are you a victim? Really, I'm asking, are you a victim?
I suppose I would call myself a free thinker in that I am not afraid to think for myself and accept that there will be people highly fearful that I do that.
Some people need to feel validated by other people agreeing with them. It's about as important as milk to an infant.
When we come to this website, we are willing to label ourselves bi-polar. But that label is for simple ease of communication like calling your dog, rover instead of small, short legged, curr. It is not to diminish, limit, or separate ourselves from the rest of the world. It could be bi-polar or even pie-bowler, who cares, it's just a name.
I've seen so many outstanding people who are bi-polar, incredibly intelligent, compassionate, and creative. It's exciting to listen to the hum which is the motor of their minds.
These people are my heroes. They are willing to be who they are and not only that but to cut through the phoniness which is the thicket the rest of society hides behind.
And I am my own hero.
None of us is sick, we are not adjusted completely to our systems which run different from that of others. We have in common a need to express our emotions directly. Not an attack, but an expression.
No victims, that is where I see a need to start with many of the teenagers and young adults I have met.
Being a victim is a hiding place that grows nothing more than solitude.
Hey, I've nothing against solitude and enjoy it quite a lot, but there is the balance issue again.
We are heroes, the unlikely heroes, who have been given a gift to think for ourselves. It is a tough place as we are constantly being questioned as to our motives, our thinking, we tend to get the average person talking about how we over think. Yes, it's God's balancing those who under think.
But this is the lesson for the week: you are not a victim unless you put your energy towards being one, believing in one, and thus often times you build it and it will come.
Well why do only the things I don't want to happen, always happen? I get asked that alot from teenagers who are in the most horribly insecure portion of their lives and cannot stop thinking about how "bad" things are and more is going to happen.
And then it does happen. It was psychic; no it was the devil; no it was my bad childhood. It was the scary movie I watched.
It all boils down to thinking you have no control and you are a victim. You can believe nothing happens that is supposed to happen. There are victims everywhere and they want to talk and discuss this chronic condition, victimitis, over and over.
The torment and torture, that the victim cannot change anything itself. Nothing good will happen and if it does, it means something worse than that will happen.
Where do we get these ideas? It's certainly not just bipolars. It's a widespread social problem which incorporates, psychology, medicine, pharmacology, and finally dodging responsibility.
We, and I mean the kids and friends and family who have come together over a particularly meaningful period of time in my life, where I had to decide whether to challenge what I thought was horribly wrong or simply move on.
Most who know me now and have known me in the past, could tell you that this may take years to resolve, because I believe if something is worth fighting for, then it's worth waiting to get it done right.
Each of us is worth fighting for, we must fight for ourselves. We must learn that life isn't sweet and mild, people are cruel and self serving whether we have been nice to them or not.
Inner confidence doesn't have to come from karate, meditation, high SAT scores, it comes from knowing that you're doing the best you can and you continue even when you fall, you get back up.
As I've said, we will produce many creative projects out of our bi-polar talent pool on these sites and on film. It will help us all feel included in the world which is what we all want anyway: is to feel loved and appreciated. And you thought you'd have to take physics to understand what turns out to be a simple answer to what really drives us.
But the twist there is that we have to "love ourselves and appreciate ourselves." It is an incredible answer to life's quiz show.
You can't lose when you know you are sharing in the creation. So, what you didn't come out exactly like a perfect person, well, Mein Kamph to you. And black is beautiful. Most people don't see that there is beauty in everything and everywhere. They are blind, aesthetically.
(I like that aesthetic blindness, I think I'll use it again.)
We focus on what it is that we want, what it is that would generally best serve us, then that is the direction the car will go. Keep focusing on the cliff, and have a nice roll.
More on how being a victim is not the only way to live or think....
More to follow...
Some people need to feel validated by other people agreeing with them. It's about as important as milk to an infant.
When we come to this website, we are willing to label ourselves bi-polar. But that label is for simple ease of communication like calling your dog, rover instead of small, short legged, curr. It is not to diminish, limit, or separate ourselves from the rest of the world. It could be bi-polar or even pie-bowler, who cares, it's just a name.
I've seen so many outstanding people who are bi-polar, incredibly intelligent, compassionate, and creative. It's exciting to listen to the hum which is the motor of their minds.
These people are my heroes. They are willing to be who they are and not only that but to cut through the phoniness which is the thicket the rest of society hides behind.
And I am my own hero.
None of us is sick, we are not adjusted completely to our systems which run different from that of others. We have in common a need to express our emotions directly. Not an attack, but an expression.
No victims, that is where I see a need to start with many of the teenagers and young adults I have met.
Being a victim is a hiding place that grows nothing more than solitude.
Hey, I've nothing against solitude and enjoy it quite a lot, but there is the balance issue again.
We are heroes, the unlikely heroes, who have been given a gift to think for ourselves. It is a tough place as we are constantly being questioned as to our motives, our thinking, we tend to get the average person talking about how we over think. Yes, it's God's balancing those who under think.
But this is the lesson for the week: you are not a victim unless you put your energy towards being one, believing in one, and thus often times you build it and it will come.
Well why do only the things I don't want to happen, always happen? I get asked that alot from teenagers who are in the most horribly insecure portion of their lives and cannot stop thinking about how "bad" things are and more is going to happen.
And then it does happen. It was psychic; no it was the devil; no it was my bad childhood. It was the scary movie I watched.
It all boils down to thinking you have no control and you are a victim. You can believe nothing happens that is supposed to happen. There are victims everywhere and they want to talk and discuss this chronic condition, victimitis, over and over.
The torment and torture, that the victim cannot change anything itself. Nothing good will happen and if it does, it means something worse than that will happen.
Where do we get these ideas? It's certainly not just bipolars. It's a widespread social problem which incorporates, psychology, medicine, pharmacology, and finally dodging responsibility.
We, and I mean the kids and friends and family who have come together over a particularly meaningful period of time in my life, where I had to decide whether to challenge what I thought was horribly wrong or simply move on.
Most who know me now and have known me in the past, could tell you that this may take years to resolve, because I believe if something is worth fighting for, then it's worth waiting to get it done right.
Each of us is worth fighting for, we must fight for ourselves. We must learn that life isn't sweet and mild, people are cruel and self serving whether we have been nice to them or not.
Inner confidence doesn't have to come from karate, meditation, high SAT scores, it comes from knowing that you're doing the best you can and you continue even when you fall, you get back up.
As I've said, we will produce many creative projects out of our bi-polar talent pool on these sites and on film. It will help us all feel included in the world which is what we all want anyway: is to feel loved and appreciated. And you thought you'd have to take physics to understand what turns out to be a simple answer to what really drives us.
But the twist there is that we have to "love ourselves and appreciate ourselves." It is an incredible answer to life's quiz show.
You can't lose when you know you are sharing in the creation. So, what you didn't come out exactly like a perfect person, well, Mein Kamph to you. And black is beautiful. Most people don't see that there is beauty in everything and everywhere. They are blind, aesthetically.
(I like that aesthetic blindness, I think I'll use it again.)
We focus on what it is that we want, what it is that would generally best serve us, then that is the direction the car will go. Keep focusing on the cliff, and have a nice roll.
More on how being a victim is not the only way to live or think....
More to follow...
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A new year in bi-polar: yet another way of thinking
I apologize that I haven't had much in the way of time to come over here to my favorite site and write to the "order of the bi-polar disorder" but I'm now here for a few moments and have quite a bit to say.
A new year, yes, whatever that means. But what a "new year" means to me is an example of a photo album of my life. You really don't want to open 1967 or 2007, as it was rather, umm, ugly.
But in a way of learning to be more than what I was, there was nothing like those two years.
I've never had a moment regretting the horror that was those times. And how they changed me, frightened me, to the point where I could not even live with myself.
Not just not living my path, but resisting the path, kicked up dirt in my own eyes and by the time I was forty, the environment had gone dark on me.
However, that changed, as I called out to the universe for help. It wasn't about praying it was about creating. The two are much the same, except one comes from fear and the latter is from the tools, the powers, we are endowed with by virtue of being part of the universe.
It's this foible that man stumbles upon every single day and that is: we are not powerful, we are victims of the cold and chaotic universe.
Nothing could be farther from the truth as you can only know by doing. But we are so powerful it frightens us and certainly scares those who believe that only "some" of us are like this. (no it couldn't be me or anyone I know)
It's an exclusive club of power. Not at all. What a terrible misconception which could lead to a less than productive and fulfilling life.
We learn what power is along the way and it's not what I personally thought it was. I had some lopsided notion that power was "wise" and "unapologetic" for it's uique talents.
These talents are not unique. They are open and come from everybody. You have heard of the collective unconscious which is the universe from which we all feed, evolve and grow.
I've prayed for my friends, always taking a moment away from me to allow the chance that my positive thoughts may have an effect in a good way in their lives.
And maybe they can use it like fuel, carefully made by their friend and co-creator.
We have work to do and the tools to use to get it done.
I've always felt that I was missing something, something important, that should be there for me daily. The Swiss army knife of life.
If I am in a situation that needs to be opened up, I pull out the bottle opener, pop, and we're on our way. Put back the tool and remember that it was useful, and could be put to wise use again sometime.
Then there are the moments where things have escalated, a bipolar moment, a spontaneous combustion, and again the tools are there. I reach in and pick out the most likely useful tool.
It looks like a nice saw blade could cut away at all the bulwark set up to keep out the truth.
The book called to me
I want to talk about the books, your books, my books, the one's that speak to us almost personally, perfectly.
For years, if it didn't sound pedantic and delivered in a way that is almost placating the reader, it didn't appeal to me. I wanted or thought I needed something in concrete: the immutable voice.
Yes, I read bibles, looking for something to sustain me, yet I found myself more and more frightened of the world.
In seeking this security I ended up finding the fear. In essence I don't need to seek security nor do I need to run from fear.
A trip out of the way and I had the book
I didn't want to drive I was tired and it wasn't what I was up for. But I did it, and found myself in a situation where I would have to wait.
Not wanting to do that, I opted to walk around Kernville for a while, as the wind blew winter cold on me and in all the cracks of my jacket. I slipped into the antique store to have a look around.
Everybody coming in and out talked about the cold, and each time they did, it reminded me I was luckily wearing my long underwear that day.
Then I looked into the corner, books pulled into stacks below the shelves, looks like they were sorting out some new arrivals.
Although I looked directly at the book several times it finally spoke to me. "hello." Well, it was the lady from the store, but she came over to notice I was staring at this book.
I opened the book quickly, but I already knew I was going to buy it.
The clerk seemed to know too.
Next we will discuss what happened once I began reading the book...and is still happening....
A new year, yes, whatever that means. But what a "new year" means to me is an example of a photo album of my life. You really don't want to open 1967 or 2007, as it was rather, umm, ugly.
But in a way of learning to be more than what I was, there was nothing like those two years.
I've never had a moment regretting the horror that was those times. And how they changed me, frightened me, to the point where I could not even live with myself.
Not just not living my path, but resisting the path, kicked up dirt in my own eyes and by the time I was forty, the environment had gone dark on me.
However, that changed, as I called out to the universe for help. It wasn't about praying it was about creating. The two are much the same, except one comes from fear and the latter is from the tools, the powers, we are endowed with by virtue of being part of the universe.
It's this foible that man stumbles upon every single day and that is: we are not powerful, we are victims of the cold and chaotic universe.
Nothing could be farther from the truth as you can only know by doing. But we are so powerful it frightens us and certainly scares those who believe that only "some" of us are like this. (no it couldn't be me or anyone I know)
It's an exclusive club of power. Not at all. What a terrible misconception which could lead to a less than productive and fulfilling life.
We learn what power is along the way and it's not what I personally thought it was. I had some lopsided notion that power was "wise" and "unapologetic" for it's uique talents.
These talents are not unique. They are open and come from everybody. You have heard of the collective unconscious which is the universe from which we all feed, evolve and grow.
I've prayed for my friends, always taking a moment away from me to allow the chance that my positive thoughts may have an effect in a good way in their lives.
And maybe they can use it like fuel, carefully made by their friend and co-creator.
We have work to do and the tools to use to get it done.
I've always felt that I was missing something, something important, that should be there for me daily. The Swiss army knife of life.
If I am in a situation that needs to be opened up, I pull out the bottle opener, pop, and we're on our way. Put back the tool and remember that it was useful, and could be put to wise use again sometime.
Then there are the moments where things have escalated, a bipolar moment, a spontaneous combustion, and again the tools are there. I reach in and pick out the most likely useful tool.
It looks like a nice saw blade could cut away at all the bulwark set up to keep out the truth.
The book called to me
I want to talk about the books, your books, my books, the one's that speak to us almost personally, perfectly.
For years, if it didn't sound pedantic and delivered in a way that is almost placating the reader, it didn't appeal to me. I wanted or thought I needed something in concrete: the immutable voice.
Yes, I read bibles, looking for something to sustain me, yet I found myself more and more frightened of the world.
In seeking this security I ended up finding the fear. In essence I don't need to seek security nor do I need to run from fear.
A trip out of the way and I had the book
I didn't want to drive I was tired and it wasn't what I was up for. But I did it, and found myself in a situation where I would have to wait.
Not wanting to do that, I opted to walk around Kernville for a while, as the wind blew winter cold on me and in all the cracks of my jacket. I slipped into the antique store to have a look around.
Everybody coming in and out talked about the cold, and each time they did, it reminded me I was luckily wearing my long underwear that day.
Then I looked into the corner, books pulled into stacks below the shelves, looks like they were sorting out some new arrivals.
Although I looked directly at the book several times it finally spoke to me. "hello." Well, it was the lady from the store, but she came over to notice I was staring at this book.
I opened the book quickly, but I already knew I was going to buy it.
The clerk seemed to know too.
Next we will discuss what happened once I began reading the book...and is still happening....
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