I used to think that the only way to live and be strong was to fight. Sometimes it didn't matter what i fought for or against, it was a way to live. Or was it?
Things have changed dramatically for me, mostly because I inisist that they do.
Somehow I need to know who and why I am, and it doesn't go away. It's been there all my life. I went to every church looking for God or something God like, and what I kept finding was dissappointment. I needed information about who I am and where I am supposed to be going.
God seemed like the first place to look. Then it was people, I was always interested in the way people think and why they do what they do. But I seemed to gain nothing but a sad underlying world.
People were never happy with themselves and even more so they were less happy with those who might think it's okay to just be okay. I was like that, okay to do what I felt like doing.
But then the this personal happiness was challenged regularly with the help of those around me. It seemed I was not allowed to be happy and accept things for what they are and were.
I carried my childhood around like an anchor for years. I dragged it everywhere, telling the story over and over in my head, in writing, drunk on the front lawn.
Then came the time I had to tell the truth to myself, that it no longer mattered what had happened. The thought itself seemed to diminish me but it was true. It helped me become sick. I know that illness doesn't come from bacteria and viruses, recently anyway.
What I didn't realize was that it was okay to be me all along and that is was also okay to have been fooled into thinking of myself as less important than anything else on this planet or off it. It was a lesson learned. A tough lesson fought as I decided to say what I felt no matter how it was interpretted.
But no, I never had the incling to be "right." It was not about being right, it was about the level of wrongness, the things that could be changed if one were to set a course in that direction.
I've tried to do that, it doesn't always work, but I have more soul to me than I ever have. I see the levels of thinking, the trust I had wanted to have in others is actually in me, and that is where I got side tracked.
I started fighting.
I would say if I took a guess that the person I have the most problems dealing with is me. It's not about what others do, that can be solved generally with some focus on that outcome. But it is about what I do. And that is why I'm here on this planet with the rest of you.
You can't dodge it anymore than I can. Today I feel like I don't have all the much time in this particular drama left, and there are a few things I would like to do before that happens.
One is to forgive myself completely for not being what somebody talked me into thinking is a perfect life. I didn't and don't really think I ever wanted a standard life. I can let go of the things which are bad for me and hang on to the wisdom of the universe.
I may never fight again, or I may tear up the land with my claws, it doesn't matter, either way I will have to forgive myself, and let things that don't work go, and hold tightly to the map and compass which have been made for me.
It's again time for a change, as I've shared with some of you, I no longer want to live the life I've been living. I saw the core, the problem, and it's in me. It's a painful world, hard and tough for many, and it's easy going for others. Oddly, those two examples, the painful world, could be a Senator on Capitol Hill who only wanted to help, but had to see that he couldn't. Others who take the easy route, they avoid risks, confrontation, trouble, believing hot means hurt.
What do I want now?
Either my dollar bill back out of the machine or some candy...
Thus ends the bipolar American, but the end is always a beginning.
Hi Laura,
ReplyDeletei have read a a few of your blogs and wanted to tell you that you are a wonderful writer. i can see that you are a fighter in all senses of the word. i have been controlling my bi-polar with Lithium for over ten years. i took a holiday for a few month and my eyes started to feel pressure like someone was pushing on them with their fingers. the doctors said it was hyper thyroidism and i should have the thyroid "killed with radiation" as well.
well, i said fuck that and googled other solutions. low and behold, i ran across a small article about how some doctors gave thyroid patients some Lithium and it worked to slow down the thryroid production. i even found out that extreme hyper thyroidism can have the same symptoms as bi-polar disorder, including mania and delusions and depression!
so, i figure, i may not even be bi polar at all, WE may not even be bi polar at all. we might all just have a thyroid problem.
i told my doctor about it and she said, well get back on your Lithium and we'll check your thyroid levels in a few weeks. the levels have been normal since then (over two years).
I am not for medications much as well. But, the rage, mania, and depression that come from our out of whack chemistry, thyroid, or whatever, is too much of a drain on life not to seek some control.
I wish you the best.
Gregory Mathews
P.S. I found your site searching for Pie Bowler / Pi Bolar.
I am currently naming my new band and thought of these names. I thought of Pi Bolar as a Spoonerism of Bi Polar. So far, I think the name is not being used by any other bands. The only references are on your site and the site of another person with bi polar disorder who blogs as well.
my site is at www.madbroadcast.com