Thursday, September 16, 2010

Resuming the Bi-Polar American

I'm back, for all it's worth, but I felt I had to discuss more of the issues of bi-polar as there's now more to tell.

After many years living as a bi-polar I now have realized that I have the ability to control or to abuse the use of the chemicals which live in my brain. Or rather are produced in my brain.

As I've said before we are a factory of chemical combinations which can create havoc, negativity, rage, self loathing, and on the other side, incredible physical strength and "High Times" like euphoria, if you're lucky.

I've always tended to lean towards the more hypomanic side, which I knew from an early age how to create without the use of anything other than a few less hours of sleep. Can you imagine what the junkies would do with my brain and my chemicals?

We often abuse them in the sense that what goes up must come down, there is much to be learned about the ability to rise and fall, like the sun and the moon, and I don't know at this point if I can actually master this.

After Graves disease set in there have been issues in my own thinking that I either learned from or would have been killed by them. I've never experienced my bi-polar the way I do now.

The comment regarding the suspicion that Grave's and or thyroid related disorders can achieve the same sorts of chemical changes in us, is in my opinion very much an avenue to research. I've seen much alteration in personality in people who have this hormone off balance.

But thyroid controls so many things that it is even more so a threat as well as a challenge for physicians to understand thyroid in all patients not only bi-polar types.

I've read much regarding the "personality" and physical changes in people who have a thyroid disorder and they can begin to react like a bi-polar without ever having experienced any of the bi-polar seasons.

So, I would agree if you see any changes in your friends or family that have not been there before, you may be dealing with the Chief of the hormones, thyroid.

The thyroid can alter other hormones, male and female, can cause weight gain or weight loss, can actually kill you without it in your body and kill you if you have too much or lead into what they describe as "thyroid storm."

Thyroid storm is when there is far too much of the chemical in your body and generally cardiac arrest occurs which cannot be treated.

Personally speaking, the thyroid issue is so complicated when mixed with the bi-polar personality and things have and still are out of my control.

For instance, this last month has been the most physically challenging month of my life, I would say on every level. Not that I've defeated it, I just keep going. I try to learn from everything that happens.

I don't fear death, I am however sometimes offended by life. I simply don't think it's all that fun or interesting if the world turns on it's own axis and there is a bi-polar world which has no awareness of it's condition.

Staying aware of your states of mind is imperative to us chemically improved, bionic brains which don't turn off sometimes even after they are unplugged. It must be somehow that we get the luxury of being frightening to others who only wish they could muster an original thought.

Or those who think we are somehow "disabled."

Are race car drivers disabled? No, they just drive faster than those stuck on the LA freeways at midday.

If an average person tries to understand the many challenges (I'm using this word as it makes use of the action necessary to deal with or understanding your unique chemical make up) of having to stay on top of the emotional and physical at all times, they would tire of it quickly.

The world is made up of many kinds of people, labeling is, well, stupid. So, the first people are the stupid people. Stupid means they are too frightened to open the doors of perception and let in ideas and accept their own individuality. That's all it is, as the usage of people being derived of some lesser quality is only a false idea. Everyone has something to give to this world.

Ignorance is bliss for some and honestly I am jealous as I can't really remain "ignoring" things that are trying to improve me, as sandpaper smoothes the wood and brings out the grain. Each issue I run up against is a chance, an opportunity to learn something new.

Remaining ignorant that bi-polar like issues are strictly for those of us given the label or title like in a movie, means that people will be clueless to their own reactions to experiences, other people, and their place in this universe.

We can all conjure up a chemistry that is unlike others, hence coffee in the morning.

Oh, yeah, give me a cup of coffee and I will talk for two days while swinging from a chandelier.

People want a "pick me up" and don't realize it's right there in your brain, pick it up. You don't have to drink it, eat it or smoke it, you just think it.

So, people go out to be on drugs possibly as they have not mastered or even begun to see what they are made of.

Alcohol, the nemesis of the bi-polar, the pain killer, the legal substance killing so many, it's suicide. Suicide doesn't mean you kill yourself instantly, it means you kill yourself and your spirit little by little until the parts waste away and death is your savior.

Well, I'm here again to tell you that I have experienced death and chose to return. Why?

First, I was grateful for the experience, but it wasn't what you think it might be. No, there was no angles or demons or bright lights, and Jesus, Buddha, Allah were all missing, there was only one word there spoken, and that word, was "death" with a question mark on the end.

It's really not all that exciting it's more of a release back to the security we all seek here on earth but can't have and the security we want to slough off when we get there. I knew if I died I would be bored.

Yes, death is boring, life is what we seek. But with balance we seek both and at times which seem to be on our own clock.

And our destiny, what is that about? I have begun to realize that I have experienced many types of people and situations in my life, and maybe they all have had a reason.

I sure hope so as I have been wondering lately if my time is not nearing, if I have learned all I came to learn, or if it's death in the figurative sense that I'm ready to make great changes in my thinking which will spill out in my actions and ability to relate to the world.

Many times I feel isolated as I do it to myself when I can't understand the ridiculous world people want to live in and like. We have been always under the guidance of this universe, we are part of the stardust that made everything including the things you and I may not like.

Judging the world is also a hiding place as we are not good or bad, we are both, and they are merely judgments. Good things happen that seem good but decay. Bad things grow up and around, but have a meaning too.

I happen to believe in God and that is what keeps me going as I struggle through so many challenges I feel overwhelmed much of the time. But I can't complain as I pray for these lessons, I think I may need to pray for "kinder and gentler" lessons.

But then again...I may enjoy this kind of life where I believe with certainty that everything happens for a reason and it is within each of these tiny events a rope dangling from the universe to grab onto.

After this last month, I just didn't quite get it together after I slammed my car door on my face. Yes, I know, it's ridiculous. Then I've now had oral surgery and my first tooth removed in my life, but lingering pain occurs, and another tooth has been harmed.

Why me? Because I deserve bad things or that I hit some ice in the road or I'm somehow a bad person. Probably not, those are judgmental ideas which don't create any sort of productive outcome.

"I think therefore I am," means more to me than probably the philosopher Descartes who is attributed with that famous quote.

My mind clears and it fogs over where I can hardly see. Depends on my thinking.

What is thinking and how do you do it? That is something nobody wants to admit, but what you think is a form of energy which can be used for many different things and take on many different tones or colors. It can also manifest in other ways such as illness or what I call physical pockets of lies we accepted and continue to hold onto.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own cognitive process which leads to the creation of many different types of actions and reactions.

When I react it's more unconscious than anything else. I want to improve and be more active than reactive.

And the kinds of actions I engage in have changed and I do want that.

But there is much to discuss and maybe time to do it. Today is your day, whoever, and whatever you label yourself as. If things happen you did not want to face, than it's time to face it. Why let things overwhelm you?

Everyone of us is here on this planet, this dirt and water balloon, hanging in space, and we each have choices.

Choices are like money, how do you want to spend it? Do you choose to stay happy as often as not? Or are your thoughts more trying to avoid a possible danger and cling to security?

You will have your security back the day you die. (And by the way your credit is cleared too)

But right now I'm going through a stretch which I could not begin to explain except that I prayed for healing for my health or more so not asking, doing. Now my body is doing some very strange things and I am talking to my body directly as to what it needs and wants to heal.

I've accepted this will be the time in my life where I clear out much Karma, or as I interpret it, things that have lingered too long in my life, fears and falsehoods I've accepted about life.

Next up: someone asked me about my "fighting" life and I know that it is something I must address to carry on. It's been a long life and I'm fighting against something I fought as a child: the twisted people who had me carrying around their lies and cruelty for far too long.

And this experience made me a lie detector too, which isn't always pleasant to know you are being told things that are not exactly real or true, but solely for the benefit of people who don't want or can't face themselves.

I've made a decision to face forward myself. Meaning I want to know what it is that drives me and no longer fear what I am. It's not an easy process and it is one I must do on my own as there are few who can even begin to understand my intentions.

And the energy I can conjure is something of a storm, so I try to keep it away from people who cannot understand or will be hurt even if that is not my intent.

I've lied to myself too, and that is where I begin my search for the core issues which drive me and my life. I've got conflict written all over me and negativity coming at me like missiles. I have people refusing to believe; people who have no hope; and those who are attacking me for reasons they don't even know.

Having experienced this before, in my childhood, I realize this current situation relates directly to the beginning, "my big bang" when this personality was born. And it's time to rebuild the foundation whatever the outcome.

Painful decisions have been made to remove certain people from my life as I go through it, and I only want them to know I do it for them, not me. I know I've told many of you to stay away from me for now, but it's for your own good. I have many deep seated, wounds that must be dealt with now or they never will be done again in this setting called my current life.

We will talk again...have a sunny day and remember you still have to deal with the darkness too, it's part of the cycle...of life. And it's not just us bi-polars.

1 comment:

  1. I have to say three things. When it comes to labeling, I don't do this for myself I do it for friends so that they may understand I didn't call for 2 weeks, not because I don't care but because I was in bed depressed.As for being disabled? I am. I mean who's going to hire me when I can't get out of bed 2 of every 6 wks. The final thing is I find your blog very good. You're very honest and we could all use more of that.