Friday, October 9, 2009

Hope on hold

So, another blood test, another doctor, another long drive I cannot make anymore without serious side effects, such as pain.

I got home last night without much luster, it was late, and my cousin had left a couple messages. First one supportive and inquiring as to what happened at the doctor; the second, crying and cursing her bi-polar condition.

Not that I wasn't already depressed, but I empathized with her message, it is fucking unreal dealing with these mood swings. Its not just the swinging, its the actions you take, decisions you make as well as what screwed up things come out of your mouth.

Yes, it does suck. But only some of the time.

I'm wrangling with a whole debate in my head if I can even live like this, in my physical condition anymore. Part of me has totally given up, which leads to thoughts such as "I can't do it" "I'm not strong enough" "I've been given an overdose of life."

Then the other side kicks in, with the words of wisdom. "Find it, the solution, the answers are there" "It is worth it" "Do this for yourself" and then I'm back.

I dragged out of the bed this morning, unable to make an appointment I had made with someone, and then ended up at my doctor, who is great, and had him give me shots in my neck and back, the trigger points.

Currently, icing and heating, as we speak.

However, I'm up, and now, my hand is not as numb, so I'm at least doing some writing. Progress, as best as I can do it.

I'm not disabled, I'm as abled as I can be. Fuck that shit, it sounded hokey when I wrote, yeah, I'm fucking disabled, but do the best I can to not waste the time I have here.

Even though I'm taking a day off, which I hate, I'll be planning and plotting the whole time.

I am noticing that everyone around me is going through some major changes in their lives and their way of thinking too. A shift in consciousness.

My sister is going through huge emotional changes and she is doing it, but its a tough time.

We all pray a lot around here. Most of the people I know, realize that I call God, Scooter, and whatever you want to call the core intelligence of the universe, prime mover unmoved, we often forget our part in this "big production" called life.

With my sister in her tumultuous existence right now, I get a chance to see how other people are progressing and making the world better as they or we get better on an individual basis.

I watched a friend of mine last night in a series of pain days which lead her to be very up-settable, and it reminded me of what the people around me have to hear about and deal with regularly.

When I looked at her last night, I could see the struggle, the energy she was dealing with, and I spoke to her about it. I then watched that energy just change.

Her color in her face changed, her demeanor changed, and I could see she had learned something from what was happening to her. Cool. And it manifests physically. So, the thoughts are causes of physical problems. Hmm, interesting.

After having spent several hours on their porch staring out over the horizon like a zombie, I went home. My friends are used to my behaviors: I come over and spend the whole time outside thinking. How fun am I?

A prayer for all who are in the middle of becoming the people we should be.

Scooter, its all really fun here thanks for everything. You piss us all off, you make us cry, and then you suddenly fill our candy dishes with candy. Just put out good energy for my friends and family, and my extended family, the human race, that we make it through the trials you so lovingly set up so we can learn. Make us all believe in the powers of the universe so vast and incredible that we fear it. Today, we will all have faith and believe in something greater than our little selves and petty problems. Make it good, Scooter, you know how I get bored.

And there's your prayer for the day.
That is how I talk to the universe. Yes, I'm just as sarcastic with God as I am with everybody else. And as a product of God, I feel at liberty to do so.

Have a good day...

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