Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I know some will find this whole blog disturbing...at some point

That's the way it is...

I've reflected on the beginnings, the origins of this blog, remembering my brother asking me to "come out" as bi-polar so "he" could feel more comfortable in the world. It's funny, I do these things people ask of me without question.

Okay, I'll expose my whole life and garner a bunch of horrified responses as most of our people are not quite ready to see themselves with such "high def" vision.

It's incredibly painful some of this--emotionally so. I think the reader suffers also. And well you should. lol

I've had the opportunity to lay around listlessly today studying my life. Some may like to meditate, while us bi-polars prefer to vomit our way into good mental health.

In sickness and in health...

I have a construction of the mind that my head hurts, my stomach aches for attention and my viscera swirl with emotion. Ssshhh, don't tell anyone but being sick gives us the time to reflect and look inward. It's a social diversion.

There is still so much resistance to being set free. I guess we as a human race were enjoying being in a trance for eons. But there is definitely a swing in another direction. And thank Scooter, as I was getting really bored. lol

Since I choose not to disconnect from the social structures completely, I have to ride out episodes such as sickness to be allowed my time for deep thought/prayer. I've noted over the years, when I've been in a state of great change, that it disturbs others.

Hence, the title of this post--this will all be disturbing at some point. It is for me. And I graciously accept the challenge. The challenge of living among you who prefer a prefab existence to an actively creative one.

You want to "play your role" on this stage and get on with it. I don't. Yet, I apologize as I don't really mean to make people uncomfortable. Oh hell, it's fun to make people uncomfortable and really some of you have set yourselves up as easy targets. Almost anyone clinging to any sort of bible, Christian or otherwise, have not come to a point of living without a crutch.

If you are hoping that this deep sentiment will save you from discomfort, will enlighten you without having to strip down to your skivvies--then you haven't lived yet!

People who live in glass houses should watch out for my high notes as they will shatter the very foundation you have built your whole life on. lol

Ruff! Ruff! 

There are still some people who enjoy the dogma, the rules of life created by others from another time. Okay, if you really need to go ahead and be miserable--have fun.

You won't find me telling you what to believe on this blog. I'll challenge your belief systems, but I won't give you another belief system to replace the old one.

How do you live like that? 

Some people have thoroughly questioned my thinking and lifestyle and they appear to believe I have come up "short" somehow. I can feel the pain when others try to fit me into some partitioned box from the rest of the world. I don't fit snugly or neatly into any of your categories--except maybe F5. lol

Here let's be honest and let me tell you what people have labeled me in my life. This is just a partial list starting from my childhood: A brat-- Smart mouth--spoiled--stupid--too smart for my own good--looking for a slap on the mouth--troublemaker--princess--my behavior could "drive Christ down from the cross" (strictly a Catholic thing)--tomboy--I think I'm funny--slob--unreal--who do I think I am anyway--needs attention--a drop out--sickly--hell bent on destruction--gay--straight--different--pain in the ass--impulsive--train wreck--roller coaster--disaster waiting to happen!

There are so many labels that have come my way via the other people in my life. I have my own take on who I've been, but it is sometimes radically different than the way I'm perceived. But it also has to do with who is doing the perceiving.

You can see people have mostly been negative in their interpretations. But on the other side there are those who think of me in a more positive light--people who have accepted me and likely themselves.

Life is served...

No thank you is what I said when the roles were passed around. The roles I preferred to play were more outcast types of stints as I was really quite bored with the way others would think and live. Please understand this is nothing personal, I just like to live it my way. (Yes Frank Sinatra and I)

I'll never forget when my mother bought a picture and hung it on my wall, depicting young blonde, girl, who was somewhat masculine--dressed casually--and the caption read: "You do your thing and I'll do mine."

It seemed like a reasonable deal--I'm doing my thing while you have your freedom too. However, it has come to my attention in the past half a century of life, that rarely do people think that is a good trade. No, they would rather "you do their thing and they will too" and we will all live without fear or differences.

For me and my life, this has been a real challenge to try and maintain my own autonomy while allowing others to remain "comfortable." Now you know how this whole blog started. My sister would tell me that I'm just really co-dependent and need to a attend "meetings."

Fucking I don't care anymore, but you out there in the "other world" will soon. Life is about to challenge the people of this time, past the age of reason, to look at the slippery nature of reality. Woops, I thought I had it!

When language doesn't mean anything--when the signs are not directing you--when there is no trail to follow--no definitive role to play--you will be unsettled, unable to function. If you've thought you've done the "right things" with your life and you will somehow be compensated for your troubles in the afterlife: good luck.

Keep the faith...

I still would like to  make that deal with the world, that I'm allowed to do my thing, and everyone else feel free to do yours. One exception: if it has to do with curtailing my choices.

Faith is a practice, an activity, that is employed in life. As many times as I discussed faith with other people or read about it, the true nature of faith is only known by allowing all of the world to be what it is.

I'm learning more and more about faith. Of course, I did ask about it--pray about it--constantly for almost 50 years. I suppose I should know something. Or at least I have some results to analyze.

It's an on-going practice. Let me tell you though, it feels so good--it still gives me chills--when I realize the difference between a construct known as logic and the lack of action that has to do with faith. When I suddenly in the middle of washing the dishes want to go call someone and they say, "wow, I was just thinking about you," I feel so in tune with it all.

No pain, no gain?

For someone so enamored with my painful experiences, it's likely you won't understand that I say it's with ease and comfort that the "faith-ful" go along in life--even when there's nothing comfortable about it. If that makes sense then you will likely not be one of the people who is disturbed by the contents of this blog.

Congratulations! Or not.

The Bi-polar American in London

Well, I didn't get far physically or as a tourist today, though the chemist sent my friend home with a few local remedies for the crud we "like" to get once in a while. However, I've enjoyed the hell out of today, drinking "liquids" as we call our drinks when we are ill, and flopped out on the bed-wondering-thinking-praying--and of course, laughing.

My friend made up a remedy for our crud. We sat in the bathroom with the shower running, some eucalyptus powder soothing our swollen sinuses-and then we added marijuana smoke to the mix and well...it was fun. I feel great, but then again, I accepted my state of mind and just enjoyed it anyway--remedy or not.

Yes, I've seen Westminster Abbey, I've ridden across the Tower and London bridges, taken in untold amounts of statues, but you know what sticks with me? The guy in the information booth directing people for the underground "tube" or subway.

"How's it going" I said the familiar phrase I use regularly when I'm home in California. This guy just stared at me. He wanted me to correct it and use the style he was used to hearing. It was a stand off. I knew I did not say it the way he was comfortable, but I thought maybe he would accommodate me.

Not for a second. He stared at me as if I were somehow an idiot, or at least an irritant, but I refused to back down by rephrasing my original greeting. He finally began talking and hardly cared what he was saying. I found my way out even without his help or approval of my language choices.

People are nothing but interesting to me.

Tomorrow we are to fly to Spain so there is another adventure on the way. I'll be back to talk about the things that kept me occupied today. And some old stories came up that are interesting so I'll make sure to post a blog just on bi-polar stories.

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