What a great meeting...
I suppose I could start with our NA meeting last night. I guess I'm not doing the steps properly according to some people who are sticklers for the program. However, I'm comfortable with my commitment and I promised that if I did use I would come back anyway! But they don't realize I have something far greater than drugs now, so it's not a big deal. (not that I'm better than anyone as my friend suggested yesterday)
Instead of reading from our NA books, we shared about Christmas past. OMG, the stories were incredible. I got to know each person on a level I could not imagine. I wanted to cry and heal them all! I completely understood their pain and why they would use drugs or alcohol or demented thinking.
Out of control healer...
Then I realized that my heart contains such great compassion that I would swoop in and take all their pain and likely die in the process. I cannot do that I have to wait and be asked. And then I cannot take the pain into myself it's too big and too much. More so I can tell people how to release their own pain.
Just before I was thrown out out of the Pentecostal church the other night, for telling the minister's wife that sex is good, flesh is awesome, and we are reincarnated, I asked an elder of the church, "what miracles have you witnessed."
He was stymied, he could hardly come up with anything. Well, I'm here to say if you're in God's realm, MIRACLES ARE EVERYWHERE! So, if you are walking in truth and compassion you shall not want. You shall have everything you desire and more. God wants you to be happy. If misery makes you content, God will dish it up!
If you like to feel guilty, want a disease to show everyone, want to survive a disaster, God will provide it. You need to know that God already forgives you, that it's OUR PROBLEM TO FORGIVE OURSELVES! We often don't do it, I only recently forgave myself for everything, and also everybody who has ever hurt me.
What a fucking relief! I carried this shit around for most of my life and boy was I an angry person. I truthfully really don't care about it.
The nights are still long...
We have repeatedly discussed my sleep issues, today I realize that I am working through issues at night, and the pain, the sweating, the feeling of fire, is me, not an "eternal punishment." I have learned so much from my dreams. I see potential future issues, and I pray like HELL. OMG, I woke up and thought of all the great evil in the world.
How do I reconcile this evil with my spirit who wants us all to be awesome and free? It was not easy and it was scary. The Nazi's, the soldiers tortured, starving children and animals, Charles Manson: JESUS! Then I realized if I started to heal stuff like that, the way I used to, I would be dead by morning! LOL
There are heroes like Victor Frankl, who lived through the most horrendous things and we spoke of how he found the "humor." I guess that would be a start, to have humor about our daily struggles. It's tough at first, then we can employ this little by little. Then we are tickled to no end to know that life is no guarantee we won't be dragged from our homes and tortured by those who were either tortured themselves, or those who live in fear.
Trust me the greatest crimes were allowed by those in FEAR. Remember the acronym: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. That will help you as you find out if your thoughts and heart are off by a beat or two. Our heart, or creator, has reasons that "reason knows not." That is a part of a quote from a great person whose name I cannot spell. OOPs, sorry to him.
My certainty...
There are some who relate the "devil" a Christian fear with confusion and misery, and it's true. We work through our confusion and find something I will call "certainty." CERTAINTY I think means an ability to know with our hearts what is right or wrong and to ACT ACCORDINGLY. You may have to be brave as people in fear will spread their manure right on top of your garden suffocating your own INSTINCTS.
Today I have more certainty and I will act on this sense. People have tried to confuse me and to some extent have done this. It's different now and we are getting closer to our destiny. I won't be taken off course by the slightest breeze anymore. I can see, I can remember, and I have compassion to go with it. But that doesn't mean I won't blast you with my new awesome perspective! I will love you as I do it though, that's the difference.
My friends are freaking out!
My friends are confused with me as my life and perspective have changed and they must deal with the new "enthusiastic" Laura who enjoys the moments knowing there isn't anything else.
My friends want me to be drugged and understand I'm only bi-polar in a manic phase. Okay. And my shrink wants to regulate this mood too. Good luck. They will eventually see that it's not what they think. My certainty about it will either repel them completely, as they don't want truth, or it will bring them closer and we can make changes necessary to have a deeper relationship. Meaning we can relate!
A couple funny stories...
I asked my friend, the one who watched me jump from the car, why she thought I should take pain medication, even just a Tylenol. That launched her greatest attack yet, which started with me going insane and being crippled from arthritis. Then she "wished she could see this happen to me." OUCH. Then it escalated along with her yelling, that I would die (yes) and suddenly we were at the end of the world scenario and I told her I would eat my bird first! LOL
OMG, it was so funny, that I have to save this for my books and other story ideas.
Next my other friend was offended by me saying that pain is funny. She was horrified and shocked and told me it was NOT FUNNY DAMMIT! She told me there is something wrong with me, I need medication because I'm bi-polar, and that I need to see my shrink! I could hardly contain myself, yet I was trying very hard to do so.
Then I end up at her house, and her dog is in miserable pain, and part could be alleviated with a simple "peticure" as the nails on the dog needed clipping. I innocently asked if she would do this or I could, and she freaked out. She said I was making her feel guilty and that YES the dog was in pain but what could she do...I shut the fuck up and let her as I was afraid she would throw me out like the minister!
I said I thought "we" didn't like pain? OMG, again, she was pissed at me. But this passed and we hugged, and I cry for her pain. I asked if I could heal her and her dog, but was told NO! So, I'm supposing then she likes the pain? Oh, yes, she said I could not heal it. Okay, if she thinks I can't then I can't.
But she doesn't know she's dealing with a crazy healer from way back. I will tell some childhood stories when I return to write again. I was the kid trying to raise dead animals and the one providing miracles all around me. The elder from the church had little in the way of miracles, hence, they were far away from God! I can and will do miraculous things in my life, and if there are those who wish to join me: FUCKING A! THE MORE THE MERRIER!
Have a wondrous day and remember there are special energies to tap into around Christmas, Hanukkah and the New year...try to have your own miracles! Find truth and compassion for yourself and others and God will bless you with something special! Laura Hart (she's fucking crazy!)
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