Oh fuck what did I do?
I feel terrible about what happened now that I remember. To the hospital, the psych ward, the cops: MY ANIMALS WERE :LEFT ALONE!
One thing I care about more than anything in the world are my animals, SKY, WALTER, and my cat, PATCHES. On November 9, while I freaked and fretted about my drugs, these guys were left alone at my house with no one to attend to them. Not only that but at the time I had my neighbor's dogs too.
Shit, I fucked up. The paremedics and police thought they were doing the right thing by taking me away. They didn't know my animals were left to take care of themselves. I think I did though.
And THAT IS WHY I FOUGHT YOU SO HARD !!!!
That is also why I ran away. Initially, I thought it was that there were other issues such as the catheter forced on me because I couldn't pee for the doctors and nurses. Yes, that brought up the memories of abuse from the past too, but I WANTED TO GET HOME TO MY ANIMALS!
Here's your responsibility: YOU DIDN"T LISTEN. Maybe some of you have animals and others have children. These are my children and I fucking blew it. My bird eats every seed of her food. That never happened before this tragic event. My dog Walter worries every day. The cat knows she can survive, but she is still my house cat. They all deserve much care and sympathy, and now I know.
Sometimes we misinterpret what happens and when you took me away I would have done anything to get back. But you basically trapped me. I had to give in to God that they would be all right. You medicated me and pretended that it was the right thing to do. It was not. You could have listened. Finally, I think maybe someone realized at the jail that I had animals at home and needed to get home!
I'm so clean I would never allow you to give me medicine. I kicked all the drugs there too! I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. It was a mess I created and now I have to say I feel guilty and horrible: but there is nothing I can do now. I MUST FORGIVE MYSELF.
If I think back to all the things I've done, this is the worst by far. I hurt my innocent animals. They are so forgiving, they just want me to ACT RIGHT. And that is the only thing I can give them in return for their ride from hell.
The hospital staff just did their jobs...
KVHD didn't know and simply went about packaging the "psych" for my 5150. I'm sure some of them have responsibilities they could not just be dragged from. So, as I say, it's never one sided, we all could have done better.
And after KVHD hit me with Narcan early in the year, making me seriously afraid, I can imagine I freaked out on them. I needed to get home, they needed urine, which they drained from me. I hated them for what happened with the narcan, making me scream, and hurting me for no reason. That came from Dr. Evil, who is no longer there. But an affable nurse carried out his orders and when asked today, never even apologized.
What a disappointment.
IT WAS NOT JUST ME!
I guess no one else will take responsibility, and I can't make them. That was part of my reason to threaten to sue last year, I simply wanted them to admit to what they did. Nobody seems to admit to their failures therefore we all have to suffer again and again.
Don't think that KVHD ER is simply a safe place. My friend is pissed that I think all medical staff are bad. I really don't, but she thinks they are ALL all right. Either way, there are individuals who fuck things up, and that is the reality.
I knew there were emotions right under the surface as I became depressed and angry yesterday. I was sensitive to sounds and yelling about this or that.
Then I had to test it out and take action before it took me for another hell ride. Now I know basically why I was depressed: THINGS GOT VERY FUCKED UP AND OUT OF MY CONTROL!
My animals, my neighbor, are owed an apology for what happened. Even though it was a partnership where we all fucked up, I was the one who got in such bad shape that I needed medical help. I kicked out ALL YOUR DOCTOR DOPE and my POT and CIGARETTES TOO. It hurt like hell as I writhed in jail, on a little mattress, with a weird cover over me.
But that is done and now those who think I am crazy on drugs: I'm SQUEAKY FUCKING CLEAN. Don't you dare say I don't have the grit to handle my life. I went thru it and would rather never go there again.
So JUST FOR TODAY I will forgive myself for the past, keep my emotions open and use them, not shut them down. I'll pray that the universe understands I would have eaten you all alive to get back home to my responsibilities: the four legged ones. I can't change what you did to me and I know it was a reaction. I have to forgive us all.
Holding on to this would likely cause another suicide attempt which would be ironic. I'm working to better my life, and for WALTER THE BOXER, SKY THE BIRD AND PATCHES THE CAT. Trust me they deserve better than me. But they have me and we will work things out.
My friends will either understand or not. I can't even imagine what there is to learn, today. It scares me and makes me hopeful at the same time. I know God took care of us all. Maybe we are skinnier than before this, but we are still alive to make a better day.
Please have a good day and forgive yourself as there is nothing else you can do. Laura Hart
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