Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Bi-Polar American in London...
We finally did it!
I was not in a good mood this morning at all. After a rough night of sleepless tossing and turning, I realized I was out of parrot mix. Well, there was a bit left, but with none of the goodies Sky enjoys. The dismal look on my parrot's face was enough to get me dressed and out the door.
I pulled into the parking lot and shock set in as I looked at the gas sign and the prices seemed to be, well, not real. Then one of the employees came out and was actually raising the prices right in front of me. It was like madness, the instant understanding that we are now really heading down this painful path, here in this country and around the world.
Not that any of this should really shock us, but I guess attempting to be in denial like others around me, those in the media, definitely government types, didn't last as I'm not really into watching my fellow American's suffer unnecessarily.
Yeah, real good mood, then thankfully, my good friend called, it was time to make the flight arrangements for my trip to Europe. For the sake of simplicity, I'm calling this trip, "A Bi-polar American in London."
We sorted out the dates, as my friend is thorough, a detail freak, and now I'm supposed to be making a copy of my passport for her and for me. Damn, too much to do. I now am on count down as it's just over two weeks until I depart.
This morning, I would have stormed out of my country, really despondent that I am watching America throw it's most vulnerable under the bus.
Now, I'm curious. I'm really interested in the perspective of being away from this country for a while. I will NEVER give up on this nation, I think all in all, there are really incredible people here. Some beautiful minds. Our culture, if you can call it that, has become one of competition and business. Everything is for sale here. Your principles, your honesty-self respect?
The American dream does not remain intact. Why? Because a decent person would be hard put to consider success something you do alone.
More on the trip and the ideas...Have a great day in spite of political folly and horrendous greed. Laura Hart
I was not in a good mood this morning at all. After a rough night of sleepless tossing and turning, I realized I was out of parrot mix. Well, there was a bit left, but with none of the goodies Sky enjoys. The dismal look on my parrot's face was enough to get me dressed and out the door.
I pulled into the parking lot and shock set in as I looked at the gas sign and the prices seemed to be, well, not real. Then one of the employees came out and was actually raising the prices right in front of me. It was like madness, the instant understanding that we are now really heading down this painful path, here in this country and around the world.
Not that any of this should really shock us, but I guess attempting to be in denial like others around me, those in the media, definitely government types, didn't last as I'm not really into watching my fellow American's suffer unnecessarily.
Yeah, real good mood, then thankfully, my good friend called, it was time to make the flight arrangements for my trip to Europe. For the sake of simplicity, I'm calling this trip, "A Bi-polar American in London."
We sorted out the dates, as my friend is thorough, a detail freak, and now I'm supposed to be making a copy of my passport for her and for me. Damn, too much to do. I now am on count down as it's just over two weeks until I depart.
This morning, I would have stormed out of my country, really despondent that I am watching America throw it's most vulnerable under the bus.
Now, I'm curious. I'm really interested in the perspective of being away from this country for a while. I will NEVER give up on this nation, I think all in all, there are really incredible people here. Some beautiful minds. Our culture, if you can call it that, has become one of competition and business. Everything is for sale here. Your principles, your honesty-self respect?
The American dream does not remain intact. Why? Because a decent person would be hard put to consider success something you do alone.
More on the trip and the ideas...Have a great day in spite of political folly and horrendous greed. Laura Hart
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Dogs of Whiskey Flats 2012: Walter and the "Flat dogs"
 |
| Walter is getting ready to go for a stroll through our annual "Whiskey Flat Days" in Kernville, CA. |
 | |
| Two large Golden Retrievers are of interest to Walter who ignored most or all humans |
 |
| Walter has to have a close up with the Golden to make sure there is nothing wrong with him. Geez! |
 |
| A "hippy" weiner dog ignores us and quickly scoots past. |
 |
| This good dog handled Walter's rude overtures and allowed my dumb dog to get up close and personal. |
 |
| Walter found each and every dog interesting. Whether they liked it or not! |
 |
| hey Shorty, Walter loves the little dogs! Don't go so fast! |
 |
| A poodle in a purple stroller is something of a sight, but Walter decided to sniff... |
 |
| How confusing for Walter??? |
 |
| He's a big dog and I warned Walter he could get his ass kicked if he wasn't careful! |
 |
| Here's an old Boxer. Looks nothing like Walt, though kind of weird he had a nice attitude. |
 | ||||||||||||
| This dog was showing off. He was beautiful. |
Friday, February 17, 2012
Future: Shock treatment for us all
There is something honorable about this generation of young people in that they are the bridge to a very uncertain future. But they have a spirit about them as they've learned to accept life's differences. The duality we all must contend with has been dished a real blow by this generation of people.
This generation didn't use fire in it's message, rather they quietly even passively undercut some of the biggest impediments to a good life, such as sexism, racism, any form of prejudice really has been questioned.
Part of this has been the technology, the new communication, the ways in which we communicate. If these general estimates are true that computing power is doubled every 18 months, then we truly have a shift on our hands.
This will be ground breaking causing as much havoc as a true earthquake. One day we have computers learning skills which can be used to pass IQ tests at around 150 score. This means in a year and a half, we will see them at 300. Now, just fucking go from there exponentially and you will see the future.
The next generation to come will be so different from it's counterparts by way of technology and the mental applications we create. How these changes will manifest in human physical appearance will be altered as well. The numbers say we are all getting obese, we all work away on these computers, then we play on them as well.
Fuck yeah, we're fat, we are the generation making fat folks.We are changing, not moving around quite as much, with our new lifestyles. Will it kill us all, or will evolution step in to say rev up our thyroids to burn more fat?
So, when you see a young person know this person will have to tackle far more, at a higher rate of change, for a longer period, than you ever will have seen. And people are wanting to stop progress by ignoring it. That won't do you much good either.
I digress, but I see some remarkable changes in the not so distant future. Much of what happens will depend on our ability to evolve here in the United States of America, home of a certain bi-polar American/reporter. I will be here for them, the generation which will have to manage the accelerated growth.
We can't depersonalize, disassociate ourselves with what will be a great challenge for all of us. This economic situation, the realities of the greed, thievery, horrendous violence by citizens and of governments perpetrating violence on their own citizens, all of this will have to mend to whatever degree for us to proceed into a prosperous future.
At this time there is more talk of the end of the world, and there are more like beginnings all the time, but we have a great tide of despair not being heard on this planet. Many people are unaware they have to catch up to the current time. It's not 1950 anymore than it's an hour ago or a minute ago. Things change rapidly, hang on if you want to keep up.
We can't be assholes and not acknowledge that we have gone too far one way and with the river of technology roaring we feel helpless to stop the onslaught. There are good people who are trying their best to bring about change and I am one of them.
Whether it's within myself I make the change, it has an effect that resonates for us all. Each time I see someone succeed in getting past their own limitations, their own walls, it gives me hope as I encounter my own obstacles. So, we all participate in this event, we can make it easier on each other by allowing what I call our personal freedom, and also by having compassion.
Compassion is a real asset as we now live in a time where people have friends and form bonds with people they have never met in person-cyber friends--facebook stuff. Contrast that with my life where only 22 years ago I stood in line at the AT&T store, which had branched off from megacorporation Ma Bell. There was a long line of impatient people, and when a man and woman asked if there was a phone they could "talk in and see each other," they were greeted with snickers and sarcastic remarks.
"What do you think this is Star Trek," one angry shopper heckled the man and woman who were only a few years ahead of their time.We have cameras everywhere and we certainly can talk into our computers and smart phones and see our friends.
This, of course, has accelerated the advent of awesome phone sex. I'm kidding and again I digress.
There are truly serious changes that must be made for the survival of the human species and every other one. I remember Jacques Cousteau, who roamed our oceans and seas for decades filming coral reefs and sadly seeing the demise of our ocean life. He warned us. We rolled over and went to sleep.
Our alarms should be going off about now. And in 18 months we will be past the ability to hit our snooze buttons.
Have a good day, and when you get a moment, check to see if you can get a glimpse of our potential futures. It's ours, it includes us all. How cool it will be, how much fun, depends on how we handle the everyday, every day. Laura Hart (time traveler)
This generation didn't use fire in it's message, rather they quietly even passively undercut some of the biggest impediments to a good life, such as sexism, racism, any form of prejudice really has been questioned.
Part of this has been the technology, the new communication, the ways in which we communicate. If these general estimates are true that computing power is doubled every 18 months, then we truly have a shift on our hands.
This will be ground breaking causing as much havoc as a true earthquake. One day we have computers learning skills which can be used to pass IQ tests at around 150 score. This means in a year and a half, we will see them at 300. Now, just fucking go from there exponentially and you will see the future.
The next generation to come will be so different from it's counterparts by way of technology and the mental applications we create. How these changes will manifest in human physical appearance will be altered as well. The numbers say we are all getting obese, we all work away on these computers, then we play on them as well.
Fuck yeah, we're fat, we are the generation making fat folks.We are changing, not moving around quite as much, with our new lifestyles. Will it kill us all, or will evolution step in to say rev up our thyroids to burn more fat?
So, when you see a young person know this person will have to tackle far more, at a higher rate of change, for a longer period, than you ever will have seen. And people are wanting to stop progress by ignoring it. That won't do you much good either.
I digress, but I see some remarkable changes in the not so distant future. Much of what happens will depend on our ability to evolve here in the United States of America, home of a certain bi-polar American/reporter. I will be here for them, the generation which will have to manage the accelerated growth.
We can't depersonalize, disassociate ourselves with what will be a great challenge for all of us. This economic situation, the realities of the greed, thievery, horrendous violence by citizens and of governments perpetrating violence on their own citizens, all of this will have to mend to whatever degree for us to proceed into a prosperous future.
At this time there is more talk of the end of the world, and there are more like beginnings all the time, but we have a great tide of despair not being heard on this planet. Many people are unaware they have to catch up to the current time. It's not 1950 anymore than it's an hour ago or a minute ago. Things change rapidly, hang on if you want to keep up.
We can't be assholes and not acknowledge that we have gone too far one way and with the river of technology roaring we feel helpless to stop the onslaught. There are good people who are trying their best to bring about change and I am one of them.
Whether it's within myself I make the change, it has an effect that resonates for us all. Each time I see someone succeed in getting past their own limitations, their own walls, it gives me hope as I encounter my own obstacles. So, we all participate in this event, we can make it easier on each other by allowing what I call our personal freedom, and also by having compassion.
Compassion is a real asset as we now live in a time where people have friends and form bonds with people they have never met in person-cyber friends--facebook stuff. Contrast that with my life where only 22 years ago I stood in line at the AT&T store, which had branched off from megacorporation Ma Bell. There was a long line of impatient people, and when a man and woman asked if there was a phone they could "talk in and see each other," they were greeted with snickers and sarcastic remarks.
"What do you think this is Star Trek," one angry shopper heckled the man and woman who were only a few years ahead of their time.We have cameras everywhere and we certainly can talk into our computers and smart phones and see our friends.
This, of course, has accelerated the advent of awesome phone sex. I'm kidding and again I digress.
There are truly serious changes that must be made for the survival of the human species and every other one. I remember Jacques Cousteau, who roamed our oceans and seas for decades filming coral reefs and sadly seeing the demise of our ocean life. He warned us. We rolled over and went to sleep.
Our alarms should be going off about now. And in 18 months we will be past the ability to hit our snooze buttons.
Have a good day, and when you get a moment, check to see if you can get a glimpse of our potential futures. It's ours, it includes us all. How cool it will be, how much fun, depends on how we handle the everyday, every day. Laura Hart (time traveler)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Bi-polar or waking up?
I was snoozing for a while...
After being home from what was obviously a very important episode in my life, which has changed me- my activities- my beliefs- my endeavors.
I've been curled up in bed this morning reviewing me for the past two months. Yesterday I had the really fun opportunity to interview the creator of the videos "Bi-polar or waking up." I had viewed them a couple weeks ago when I stumbled across two personally important websites for bi-polars: The Icarus Project and Bi-polar or waking up.
Particularly important to me was to find some answers as to what happened or what was the catalyst that finally changed my thinking that maybe I am okay. Maybe I do think or process information unlike most people. Can I live like this? Yes.
But can other people accept that I have opinions? Or should I be more quiet and reserved? (that'll be the day)
A friend of mine was telling me that it's sad that I would be condemned for simply telling the truth. Since that was one of the things I was compelled to do upon my strange return home from the "incident" we had to talk it out.
I agreed I had been far too open to my own detriment in fact. We lamented the loss or the impractical nature of being "truth teller Laura." I've wrapped that issue up. It's so freeing, less cumbersome, to simply tell the truth off the cuff as you don't even think about it.
I felt real...but I was very much disliked by most people. LOL
There is always a price to be paid for freedom.
What happened?
After chatting with Sean of Bi-polar or waking up, I asked about how his episode had felt as if he had died. I could seriously relate to that feeling. I felt exactly that: I had died and come back.
Not only did I feel I had died, but I felt I had returned, was here to look at the other side of myself, the side where I'm strong, effective, driven, and oh so fun-loving. I have flashes of memories, and also flashes of scenarios, or as some might call them delusions.
I know of their fantastical nature, these delusions, and I suppose I would have to believe in them for them to be "true" delusions, except I see them as dreams or maybe "creative scenarios." But I've been interested in some of the things I must have thought at some points while I was away for three weeks in the arms of law of enforcement and psychiatric care.
Still don't know...
As I've mentioned I still do not remember most of the three weeks I was away at "life camp." I got the lessons, but miss knowing how I learned the lessons. Mostly, I remember the beginning when I went to throw a bottle of vitamins into my bedroom and a paramedic stepped into the doorway at the exact moment.
Bing! He took the B-complex on the bridge of the nose. I was so shocked and then the reaction by law enforcement as if I had done this purposefully. I did make the point that I have hit a moving Boxer, named Walter, with a rock on the head, because I have a great throwing arm.
Had I wanted to hit someone with a bottle of vitamins and make it count, I most certainly could have. And because of my talent, I could have hit that paramedic even if he was running, zigging and zagging through my yard. That's not what happened. This was a formal date with destiny arranged via this crazy universe we live in. (Scooter, you rascal)
But this was the moment when my life changed. And my animals got a lesson too as their owner was dragged away kicking and screaming. I probably wasn't effective in getting my message across to my would be rescuers that day, but I had no one to care for my animals. My parrot learned about going without food for several days.
She now eats all her bird food mix, not just the goodies. That saves me some money thank you for her lesson too.
The consequences, results of these events have been primarily beneficial to me and my animals. Walter could not be happier running amok at the lake. If you can believe it, the only time in the three years I've owned him did he get to go to the lake, I stood smoking a cigarette, yelling at him to run around. Then I think I chased him with the car because he was annoying me.
Yeah, that's a drastic change for the better for our Walter.
That pussy cat, Patches, is nothing but fucking trouble, but you can't help but admire a cat. Nobody was really aware of her presence while I was gone, so she made her presence known. She introduced herself to the neighbor and now she is being looked out for.
She was feral really, so fear issues kept her from meeting people, even my friends sometimes. I'm proud to say she has made great strides that will benefit her life.
And she's doing this and she's supposedly a lowly soul, an animal. She's farther ahead of many people I know!
Home alone...
When I first arrived home, I could not operate the microwave, and I suddenly got the notion, that I did not know or was not feeding my cat by the instructions on the bag. This went for Walter too.
Next thing, I have measuring cups for their food. For a whole month I felt good about myself and fed my animals per the instructions on the bag. Can any of you imagine me doing this? No, I can't either. But it lasted for a month, four cups of Purina One for Walter, 3/4 cup of Naturals for Patches.
That was totally anal and I laugh at it now. They fucking eat whatever the hell they want...funny part is that it's about the same as what I had measured for them. What did it really matter?
My priorities are different.
This would be one of the important lessons about priorities. I told someone one time who was confused, that he needed to set priorities. He said, "I have no priorities." I responded, "yes, you do, by virtue of the order you do things."
Each morning I realize I set the priorities for the day. I make the choices that in turn create certain circumstances, some beneficial and some not.
But the main idea I kept getting is that I'm allowed to create. I'm allowed to choose. However, I must accept the results of my choices. I'm not great at creating success yet, but that is the ultimate goal.
You might ask yourself though what is success for you? For me, I would like to have people around me who can communicate with me, be supportive, forgiving definitely as I'm a fucking bi-polar lest we forget, and those who respect me. These are the people I bring in close.
That's success right there...for me.
Yes, I have bigger and "badder" ideas too, we'll talk on those later.
Letting go of the anger...
If I look at my priorities from last year, I see someone who was very angry. But very angry with myself. Allowing myself to be hurt by the local liars collective known as the hospital district was part one of the fury and frustration.
It's so true that I could have NOT stopped by KVHD ER on January 25, 2011 to see why my heart was pounding in an unusual way. I had not realized what a target I had made of myself. So, I have the responsibility for going there and not thinking it out.
But since I did go, I have the experience of great pain and suffering which serves me as well as complete avoidance of that experience. It's done, so therefore it "was meant to be." I employ that thought when I go about forgiving myself.
This has been one of many keys, forgiveness. I did not realize how strong a spirit I am. Most of my life I tended to focus on my weaknesses. I suffered from "victimitis" for a good portion of my life too.
Then I began to assess that I'm strong and this puts people off somehow. It also makes them easier to hurt. It is also too easy to do damage to others because I CAN see right through them. Sometimes I can be fooled, but in all likelihood, I'll figure you out eventually.
So, I see the new responsibility is to forgive others along with myself. It has become powerful medicine for my soul.
How to forgive...
The big question in my mind was how do I forgive? First, I recognize as I said above, "what is done is done." Step one: recognize it has happened and is now out of my control.
I can't go back in time to change the circumstance. I can accept the lesson of why it happened. "What...you don't dry your dog in the microwave?" Okay, I won't do that again.
Another more obvious lesson, Don't go to a hospital where everyone hates you and your politics, and your antics, as they may do something bad in response like Narcan you or send in a sadistic phlebotomist to destroy the veins in your arm. (Okay, I won't do that again!)
Honestly, I would not want to have been anyone of those people who dealt with me during all of these drama filled years. These are not my people. These are people of little courage, character or charisma. (Awesome, the three C's I like in people)
I imagined these people at home, plopped in front of the dumb box or TV, abusing alcohol, hiding behind a bible, hiding in a medical textbook as if it is the end all of answers, generally unknowing and uncaring of their effect on the world.
That's when I could forgive them. These people fell off the evolutionary cycle onto the dirt road of lost souls. Why would I hold this against them?
Yes, everyone should avoid them, but forgiveness is different.
If one of them had the character to come to me to say I'm sorry, then I would not have to feel bad for them, I would see that they had the ability to see what they had done and then take action to do something to change it. No forgiveness is required when a fellow human being attempts to honestly communicate with another person.
There are so many times when we don't get the opportunity to change things. So, when we do have this fleeting opportunity, we must take advantage of it. The worst feeling to have to heal, is NOT doing what you know you should have done. Also sometimes known as the "sins of omission."
Nothing like a missed opportunity to kill a good buzz.
That leads me back to the opportunity which arose out of very ugly circumstances last November. I honestly don't know whether I died or not, but the feeling has stayed with me. I do know that I survived to actually enjoy my "friends" from jail. That will always be something special to me. Actually, ALL OF IT was special, will never happen again, in the same way, and it helped me immensely see things I could not or would not see.
I'm learning, I'm healing, and today I made more progress as I realize I will be okay being me. I do like walking in my own shoes. I can forgive others and I definitely will forgive myself for the many things I cannot change. But friend, as the saying goes, I WILL change what I can change!
Wake up to more interviews...
Upcoming is my interview with the creator of bi-polar or waking up. I hope to contact others out there, and there are so many that I'm getting really excited, who can speak to the spiritual life, the steps, the meaning behind our bi-polar.
Really, the meaning behind our lives. I want you to meet these people and the best I can do is interview and transmit.
I'll take up more of my epiphanies soon, but next I want to bring this first interview home, to provoke some thought.
Wake up to a better world! Have a great day making it happen! Laura Hart
After being home from what was obviously a very important episode in my life, which has changed me- my activities- my beliefs- my endeavors.
I've been curled up in bed this morning reviewing me for the past two months. Yesterday I had the really fun opportunity to interview the creator of the videos "Bi-polar or waking up." I had viewed them a couple weeks ago when I stumbled across two personally important websites for bi-polars: The Icarus Project and Bi-polar or waking up.
Particularly important to me was to find some answers as to what happened or what was the catalyst that finally changed my thinking that maybe I am okay. Maybe I do think or process information unlike most people. Can I live like this? Yes.
But can other people accept that I have opinions? Or should I be more quiet and reserved? (that'll be the day)
A friend of mine was telling me that it's sad that I would be condemned for simply telling the truth. Since that was one of the things I was compelled to do upon my strange return home from the "incident" we had to talk it out.
I agreed I had been far too open to my own detriment in fact. We lamented the loss or the impractical nature of being "truth teller Laura." I've wrapped that issue up. It's so freeing, less cumbersome, to simply tell the truth off the cuff as you don't even think about it.
I felt real...but I was very much disliked by most people. LOL
There is always a price to be paid for freedom.
What happened?
After chatting with Sean of Bi-polar or waking up, I asked about how his episode had felt as if he had died. I could seriously relate to that feeling. I felt exactly that: I had died and come back.
Not only did I feel I had died, but I felt I had returned, was here to look at the other side of myself, the side where I'm strong, effective, driven, and oh so fun-loving. I have flashes of memories, and also flashes of scenarios, or as some might call them delusions.
I know of their fantastical nature, these delusions, and I suppose I would have to believe in them for them to be "true" delusions, except I see them as dreams or maybe "creative scenarios." But I've been interested in some of the things I must have thought at some points while I was away for three weeks in the arms of law of enforcement and psychiatric care.
Still don't know...
As I've mentioned I still do not remember most of the three weeks I was away at "life camp." I got the lessons, but miss knowing how I learned the lessons. Mostly, I remember the beginning when I went to throw a bottle of vitamins into my bedroom and a paramedic stepped into the doorway at the exact moment.
Bing! He took the B-complex on the bridge of the nose. I was so shocked and then the reaction by law enforcement as if I had done this purposefully. I did make the point that I have hit a moving Boxer, named Walter, with a rock on the head, because I have a great throwing arm.
Had I wanted to hit someone with a bottle of vitamins and make it count, I most certainly could have. And because of my talent, I could have hit that paramedic even if he was running, zigging and zagging through my yard. That's not what happened. This was a formal date with destiny arranged via this crazy universe we live in. (Scooter, you rascal)
But this was the moment when my life changed. And my animals got a lesson too as their owner was dragged away kicking and screaming. I probably wasn't effective in getting my message across to my would be rescuers that day, but I had no one to care for my animals. My parrot learned about going without food for several days.
She now eats all her bird food mix, not just the goodies. That saves me some money thank you for her lesson too.
The consequences, results of these events have been primarily beneficial to me and my animals. Walter could not be happier running amok at the lake. If you can believe it, the only time in the three years I've owned him did he get to go to the lake, I stood smoking a cigarette, yelling at him to run around. Then I think I chased him with the car because he was annoying me.
Yeah, that's a drastic change for the better for our Walter.
That pussy cat, Patches, is nothing but fucking trouble, but you can't help but admire a cat. Nobody was really aware of her presence while I was gone, so she made her presence known. She introduced herself to the neighbor and now she is being looked out for.
She was feral really, so fear issues kept her from meeting people, even my friends sometimes. I'm proud to say she has made great strides that will benefit her life.
And she's doing this and she's supposedly a lowly soul, an animal. She's farther ahead of many people I know!
Home alone...
When I first arrived home, I could not operate the microwave, and I suddenly got the notion, that I did not know or was not feeding my cat by the instructions on the bag. This went for Walter too.
Next thing, I have measuring cups for their food. For a whole month I felt good about myself and fed my animals per the instructions on the bag. Can any of you imagine me doing this? No, I can't either. But it lasted for a month, four cups of Purina One for Walter, 3/4 cup of Naturals for Patches.
That was totally anal and I laugh at it now. They fucking eat whatever the hell they want...funny part is that it's about the same as what I had measured for them. What did it really matter?
My priorities are different.
This would be one of the important lessons about priorities. I told someone one time who was confused, that he needed to set priorities. He said, "I have no priorities." I responded, "yes, you do, by virtue of the order you do things."
Each morning I realize I set the priorities for the day. I make the choices that in turn create certain circumstances, some beneficial and some not.
But the main idea I kept getting is that I'm allowed to create. I'm allowed to choose. However, I must accept the results of my choices. I'm not great at creating success yet, but that is the ultimate goal.
You might ask yourself though what is success for you? For me, I would like to have people around me who can communicate with me, be supportive, forgiving definitely as I'm a fucking bi-polar lest we forget, and those who respect me. These are the people I bring in close.
That's success right there...for me.
Yes, I have bigger and "badder" ideas too, we'll talk on those later.
Letting go of the anger...
If I look at my priorities from last year, I see someone who was very angry. But very angry with myself. Allowing myself to be hurt by the local liars collective known as the hospital district was part one of the fury and frustration.
It's so true that I could have NOT stopped by KVHD ER on January 25, 2011 to see why my heart was pounding in an unusual way. I had not realized what a target I had made of myself. So, I have the responsibility for going there and not thinking it out.
But since I did go, I have the experience of great pain and suffering which serves me as well as complete avoidance of that experience. It's done, so therefore it "was meant to be." I employ that thought when I go about forgiving myself.
This has been one of many keys, forgiveness. I did not realize how strong a spirit I am. Most of my life I tended to focus on my weaknesses. I suffered from "victimitis" for a good portion of my life too.
Then I began to assess that I'm strong and this puts people off somehow. It also makes them easier to hurt. It is also too easy to do damage to others because I CAN see right through them. Sometimes I can be fooled, but in all likelihood, I'll figure you out eventually.
So, I see the new responsibility is to forgive others along with myself. It has become powerful medicine for my soul.
How to forgive...
The big question in my mind was how do I forgive? First, I recognize as I said above, "what is done is done." Step one: recognize it has happened and is now out of my control.
I can't go back in time to change the circumstance. I can accept the lesson of why it happened. "What...you don't dry your dog in the microwave?" Okay, I won't do that again.
Another more obvious lesson, Don't go to a hospital where everyone hates you and your politics, and your antics, as they may do something bad in response like Narcan you or send in a sadistic phlebotomist to destroy the veins in your arm. (Okay, I won't do that again!)
Honestly, I would not want to have been anyone of those people who dealt with me during all of these drama filled years. These are not my people. These are people of little courage, character or charisma. (Awesome, the three C's I like in people)
I imagined these people at home, plopped in front of the dumb box or TV, abusing alcohol, hiding behind a bible, hiding in a medical textbook as if it is the end all of answers, generally unknowing and uncaring of their effect on the world.
That's when I could forgive them. These people fell off the evolutionary cycle onto the dirt road of lost souls. Why would I hold this against them?
Yes, everyone should avoid them, but forgiveness is different.
If one of them had the character to come to me to say I'm sorry, then I would not have to feel bad for them, I would see that they had the ability to see what they had done and then take action to do something to change it. No forgiveness is required when a fellow human being attempts to honestly communicate with another person.
There are so many times when we don't get the opportunity to change things. So, when we do have this fleeting opportunity, we must take advantage of it. The worst feeling to have to heal, is NOT doing what you know you should have done. Also sometimes known as the "sins of omission."
Nothing like a missed opportunity to kill a good buzz.
That leads me back to the opportunity which arose out of very ugly circumstances last November. I honestly don't know whether I died or not, but the feeling has stayed with me. I do know that I survived to actually enjoy my "friends" from jail. That will always be something special to me. Actually, ALL OF IT was special, will never happen again, in the same way, and it helped me immensely see things I could not or would not see.
I'm learning, I'm healing, and today I made more progress as I realize I will be okay being me. I do like walking in my own shoes. I can forgive others and I definitely will forgive myself for the many things I cannot change. But friend, as the saying goes, I WILL change what I can change!
Wake up to more interviews...
Upcoming is my interview with the creator of bi-polar or waking up. I hope to contact others out there, and there are so many that I'm getting really excited, who can speak to the spiritual life, the steps, the meaning behind our bi-polar.
Really, the meaning behind our lives. I want you to meet these people and the best I can do is interview and transmit.
I'll take up more of my epiphanies soon, but next I want to bring this first interview home, to provoke some thought.
Wake up to a better world! Have a great day making it happen! Laura Hart
Friday, February 3, 2012
a functional psychotic...
I am a functional psychotic. (at least I think so)
That's exactly where I fit in on the spectrum of mental health today. Nobody would deny my psychosis, but at the same time, we all seem to live within it's reality.
The things that have occurred in my life, and continue to occur have been nothing short of fantastical. I would guess most of it would rely on faith and the acknowledgement of the synchronicity of life.
I have had some time to think this out to a degree, where I know there was some sort of feeling as if death and I had met once again. Whether this is a fact or part of a fictional non linear, drama it really doesn't matter does it?
The outcome or overriding benefits to this state of mind are apparent, as I've managed to put on 35 pounds in two months. My first list of priorities was produced. I am working on many projects, my health being only one. Admittedly, I have blown out my left knee from running, and will now have to remain walking until it heals. But I wasn't or couldn't even conceive of running a few months ago.
I now have more than three months off of doctor dope and cigarettes. This includes benzo's and opiates. Going off of all the drugs cold turkey was fucking stupid as hell, don't get me wrong. The whole symmetry of the events could never be repeated. I was as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I mean, it's really that simple. Why do some people make more out of it-I have climbed out of a serious hole in my life-I'd like to enjoy it.
However, I do know that I've changed. I can see it and feel it in responses from those around me. Some have been great, while others are angry and won't speak to me. I'm not sure why, but there's not much I can do about it.
Since I want to enjoy life's small wonders, if I feel I can't do anything about something, have taken all reasonable steps toward that end-and even some unreasonable one's too-then it's time to let it go.
That is the change people see in me now, is that I'm really not that angry. I let much of that go for true survival reasons. It was far more detrimental to me than those who the anger was focused at. I have had to let go and let God.
I'm determined to enjoy each moment, slowly but surely savor all experiences, considered both good and bad. This is rather overwhelming as there are so many experiences to choose from.
But what I know at this time is that a great change has occurred within me and I'm now more free to decide on my life than I ever have been. It is about personal freedom for me.
Personal freedom may sound like a tampon commercial, but it's something I've been thinking on for a few days and I imagine it to be an important concept for the coming years of my life. I don't want the government interfering with my choices as to what makes me happy. I desire more freedom and will argue like hell to make it happen.
There are challenges for me in dealing with sleep issues and pain issues. The sleep issues are primary, whereas the pain issues come and go, and don't have an overall effect on my health and well being. Sleep, however, makes a big difference in how I function.
Since I am aware of the problem, I try my best to keep it in check. I can be a bit whiny in the morning, but once I'm up and at it, I'm good to go.
The posts I write are often a stream of consciousness endeavor. I don't have someone edit, I expect the flaws, and I even like them.
I like my own flaws and that of others. That is a great big change on my part. I think people are far more interesting when you take in the depth and complexity of the person. Someone I had known for a decade died recently and after his death I found out new facts about him I had never known. His childhood abuse, he had changed his name and had a secret life. How fucking cool was that?
I thought it was awesome to learn so much I never had any idea. Now I would love to talk to him again about this other, far more interesting life!
It cracks me up, since I'm cracked that's no surprise, that people are so willing to believe the worst about themselves. Me included. We are a work of art really. And we are so sly in our secret lives we keep from each other.
Maybe when we keep these secrets from ourselves is when we get lost or confused. My friend told me she has two journals: one for what others can see and one for her secrets.
I'm sure she's smart enough not to write the sordid truths on a public blog such as what I do. But she's comfortable doing it her way. I've seen her grow where she can be more herself in the last year. I'm sure at some point she will realize we all are exposed to these so-called dark secrets.
We all have perverse sexual fantasies. We all have lied out of convenience. We all have lied to ourselves.
We all think secretly we are worse and unacceptable.
I've had to stop telling the truth about everything. There are certain areas I have not even covered on this blog. I have touched on my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I refer to God as "Scooter." (That's Scooter with a capital "S" thank you very much!)
The reason for that was I needed God to be more reachable, more of a pal then a big, bad creator. It's allowed for more relaxed conversation and less bowing and fewer "Our Father's."
So, I would say that at some point I still have a lot of truth to tell...about me-and my life. At this moment, I'm happy to be a functional psychotic. It's good to be alive and kicking!
That's exactly where I fit in on the spectrum of mental health today. Nobody would deny my psychosis, but at the same time, we all seem to live within it's reality.
The things that have occurred in my life, and continue to occur have been nothing short of fantastical. I would guess most of it would rely on faith and the acknowledgement of the synchronicity of life.
I have had some time to think this out to a degree, where I know there was some sort of feeling as if death and I had met once again. Whether this is a fact or part of a fictional non linear, drama it really doesn't matter does it?
The outcome or overriding benefits to this state of mind are apparent, as I've managed to put on 35 pounds in two months. My first list of priorities was produced. I am working on many projects, my health being only one. Admittedly, I have blown out my left knee from running, and will now have to remain walking until it heals. But I wasn't or couldn't even conceive of running a few months ago.
I now have more than three months off of doctor dope and cigarettes. This includes benzo's and opiates. Going off of all the drugs cold turkey was fucking stupid as hell, don't get me wrong. The whole symmetry of the events could never be repeated. I was as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I mean, it's really that simple. Why do some people make more out of it-I have climbed out of a serious hole in my life-I'd like to enjoy it.
However, I do know that I've changed. I can see it and feel it in responses from those around me. Some have been great, while others are angry and won't speak to me. I'm not sure why, but there's not much I can do about it.
Since I want to enjoy life's small wonders, if I feel I can't do anything about something, have taken all reasonable steps toward that end-and even some unreasonable one's too-then it's time to let it go.
That is the change people see in me now, is that I'm really not that angry. I let much of that go for true survival reasons. It was far more detrimental to me than those who the anger was focused at. I have had to let go and let God.
I'm determined to enjoy each moment, slowly but surely savor all experiences, considered both good and bad. This is rather overwhelming as there are so many experiences to choose from.
But what I know at this time is that a great change has occurred within me and I'm now more free to decide on my life than I ever have been. It is about personal freedom for me.
Personal freedom may sound like a tampon commercial, but it's something I've been thinking on for a few days and I imagine it to be an important concept for the coming years of my life. I don't want the government interfering with my choices as to what makes me happy. I desire more freedom and will argue like hell to make it happen.
There are challenges for me in dealing with sleep issues and pain issues. The sleep issues are primary, whereas the pain issues come and go, and don't have an overall effect on my health and well being. Sleep, however, makes a big difference in how I function.
Since I am aware of the problem, I try my best to keep it in check. I can be a bit whiny in the morning, but once I'm up and at it, I'm good to go.
The posts I write are often a stream of consciousness endeavor. I don't have someone edit, I expect the flaws, and I even like them.
I like my own flaws and that of others. That is a great big change on my part. I think people are far more interesting when you take in the depth and complexity of the person. Someone I had known for a decade died recently and after his death I found out new facts about him I had never known. His childhood abuse, he had changed his name and had a secret life. How fucking cool was that?
I thought it was awesome to learn so much I never had any idea. Now I would love to talk to him again about this other, far more interesting life!
It cracks me up, since I'm cracked that's no surprise, that people are so willing to believe the worst about themselves. Me included. We are a work of art really. And we are so sly in our secret lives we keep from each other.
Maybe when we keep these secrets from ourselves is when we get lost or confused. My friend told me she has two journals: one for what others can see and one for her secrets.
I'm sure she's smart enough not to write the sordid truths on a public blog such as what I do. But she's comfortable doing it her way. I've seen her grow where she can be more herself in the last year. I'm sure at some point she will realize we all are exposed to these so-called dark secrets.
We all have perverse sexual fantasies. We all have lied out of convenience. We all have lied to ourselves.
We all think secretly we are worse and unacceptable.
I've had to stop telling the truth about everything. There are certain areas I have not even covered on this blog. I have touched on my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I refer to God as "Scooter." (That's Scooter with a capital "S" thank you very much!)
The reason for that was I needed God to be more reachable, more of a pal then a big, bad creator. It's allowed for more relaxed conversation and less bowing and fewer "Our Father's."
So, I would say that at some point I still have a lot of truth to tell...about me-and my life. At this moment, I'm happy to be a functional psychotic. It's good to be alive and kicking!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
My newest pet...a bi-polar pet
If you're one of the majority of people who hate spiders, this post is not for you. I happen to like them, and even feed them other insects.
This critter is a tunnel spider and during my "vacation" in November he moved into my bathroom and weaved his web around my Q-tips and saline spray. Needless to say those items remain in his web.(A friend of mine suggested I call the jail/psych ward incident, having been on vacation. Whatever!)
I'm sure it's not unusual to keep a pet spider. But I wanted to show you this beauty and he or she really is gorgeous. While laying in bed one morning, a fly buzzed me on the nose, irritating me as I am not a fan of houseflies. Somehow I managed to grab that dirty little fly while he was climbing around on Walter's back.
I took it in to Wolfy, (spider name) and tossed the fly into his web. He was right on it, but came out too quickly zooming right by it. He proceeded back into the tunnel, briefly, and hurried right back out and carried the fly off. Awesome!
I noticed yesterday that a new spider has moved into the neighborhood. It's a regular, garden variety spider, no cool tunnels, such as what Wolfy built. I initially thought I would capture the new spider and throw him in Wolfy's web. I'm not sure yet, he's big too.
If I decide to do it I will videotape it as the two spiders are rather large and burly. Might be a fight.
Feeding your dog or cat costs money, having a spider is free, as long as you can catch some grub for it once in a while.
Wolfy has free reign next to my Q-tips and Saline spray. I have to be careful when I fish out those Q-tips as the tunnel is constructed against the box, movement could cause a breach in the web.
It may sound strange, but I do enjoy these creatures and have for a long time. I don't know how long he can live, but I will continue to supply him if there's nothing available.
And maybe I'll throw the other spider in the web. It's not like he's an "owned" spider. More on this, with possible video. Instead of cage fighting it could be web fighting.
This is another world we often forget about or immediately want to destroy. I noticed that Wolfy has been getting used to the sound of my voice. He actually peaks out of his tunnel when I come in the bathroom. What if I could teach him things nobody would ever thought could happen? A spider who sits up, shakes and rolls over.
Don't think I can do it, eh?
Anything is possible...
This critter is a tunnel spider and during my "vacation" in November he moved into my bathroom and weaved his web around my Q-tips and saline spray. Needless to say those items remain in his web.(A friend of mine suggested I call the jail/psych ward incident, having been on vacation. Whatever!)
I'm sure it's not unusual to keep a pet spider. But I wanted to show you this beauty and he or she really is gorgeous. While laying in bed one morning, a fly buzzed me on the nose, irritating me as I am not a fan of houseflies. Somehow I managed to grab that dirty little fly while he was climbing around on Walter's back.
I took it in to Wolfy, (spider name) and tossed the fly into his web. He was right on it, but came out too quickly zooming right by it. He proceeded back into the tunnel, briefly, and hurried right back out and carried the fly off. Awesome!
If I decide to do it I will videotape it as the two spiders are rather large and burly. Might be a fight.
Feeding your dog or cat costs money, having a spider is free, as long as you can catch some grub for it once in a while.
It may sound strange, but I do enjoy these creatures and have for a long time. I don't know how long he can live, but I will continue to supply him if there's nothing available.
And maybe I'll throw the other spider in the web. It's not like he's an "owned" spider. More on this, with possible video. Instead of cage fighting it could be web fighting.
This is another world we often forget about or immediately want to destroy. I noticed that Wolfy has been getting used to the sound of my voice. He actually peaks out of his tunnel when I come in the bathroom. What if I could teach him things nobody would ever thought could happen? A spider who sits up, shakes and rolls over.
Don't think I can do it, eh?
Anything is possible...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)