Friday, February 3, 2012

a functional psychotic...

I am a functional psychotic. (at least I think so)

That's exactly where I fit in on the spectrum of mental health today. Nobody would deny my psychosis, but at the same time, we all seem to live within it's reality.

The things that have occurred in my life, and continue to occur have been nothing short of fantastical. I would guess most of it would rely on faith and the acknowledgement of the synchronicity of life.

I have had some time to think this out to a degree, where I know there was some sort of feeling as if death and I had met once again. Whether this is a fact or part of a fictional non linear, drama it really doesn't matter does it?

The outcome or overriding benefits to this state of mind are apparent, as I've managed to put on 35 pounds in two months. My first list of priorities was produced. I am working on many projects, my health being only one. Admittedly, I have blown out my left knee from running, and will now have to remain walking until it heals. But I wasn't or couldn't even conceive of running a few months ago. 

I now have more than three months off of doctor dope and cigarettes. This includes benzo's and opiates. Going off of all the drugs cold turkey was fucking stupid as hell, don't get me wrong. The whole symmetry of the events could never be repeated. I was as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I mean, it's really that simple. Why do some people make more out of it-I have climbed out of a serious hole in my life-I'd like to enjoy it.

However, I do know that I've changed. I can see it and feel it in responses from those around me. Some have been great, while others are angry and won't speak to me. I'm not sure why, but there's not much I can do about it.

Since I want to enjoy life's small wonders, if I feel I can't do anything about something, have taken all reasonable steps toward that end-and even some unreasonable one's too-then it's time to let it go.

That is the change people see in me now, is that I'm really not that angry. I let much of that go for true survival reasons. It was far more detrimental to me than those who the anger was focused at. I have had to let go and let God.

I'm determined to enjoy each moment, slowly but surely savor all experiences, considered both good and bad. This is rather overwhelming as there are so many experiences to choose from.

But what I know at this time is that a great change has occurred within me and I'm now more free to decide on my life than I ever have been. It is about personal freedom for me.

Personal freedom may sound like a tampon commercial, but it's something I've been thinking on for a few days and I imagine it to be an important concept for the coming years of my life. I don't want the government interfering with my choices as to what makes me happy. I desire more freedom and will argue like hell to make it happen.

There are challenges for me in dealing with sleep issues and pain issues. The sleep issues are primary, whereas the pain issues come and go, and don't have an overall effect on my health and well being. Sleep, however, makes a big difference in how I function.

Since I am aware of the problem, I try my best to keep it in check. I can be a bit whiny in the morning, but once I'm up and at it, I'm good to go.

The posts I write are often a stream of consciousness endeavor. I don't have someone edit, I expect the flaws, and I even like them.

I like my own flaws and that of others. That is a great big change on my part. I think people are far more interesting when you take in the depth and complexity of the person. Someone I had known for a decade died recently and after his death I found out new facts about him I had never known. His childhood abuse, he had changed his name and had a secret life. How fucking cool was that?

I thought it was awesome to learn so much I never had any idea. Now I would love to talk to him again about this other, far more interesting life!

It cracks me up, since I'm cracked that's no surprise, that people are so willing to believe the worst about themselves. Me included. We are a work of art really. And we are so sly in our secret lives we keep from each other.

Maybe when we keep these secrets from ourselves is when we get lost or confused. My friend told me she has two journals: one for what others can see and one for her secrets.

I'm sure she's smart enough not to write the sordid truths on a public blog such as what I do. But she's comfortable doing it her way. I've seen her grow where she can be more herself in the last year. I'm sure at some point she will realize we all are exposed to these so-called dark secrets.

We all have perverse sexual fantasies. We all have lied out of convenience. We all have lied to ourselves.

We all think secretly we are worse and unacceptable.

I've had to stop telling the truth about everything. There are certain areas I have not even covered on this blog. I have touched on my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I refer to God as "Scooter." (That's Scooter with a capital "S" thank you very much!)

The reason for that was I needed God to be more reachable, more of a pal then a big, bad creator. It's allowed for more relaxed conversation and less bowing and fewer "Our Father's."

So, I would say that at some point I still have a lot of truth to tell...about me-and my life. At this moment, I'm happy to be a functional psychotic. It's good to be alive and kicking!

No comments:

Post a Comment