I was snoozing for a while...
After being home from what was obviously a very important episode in my life, which has changed me- my activities- my beliefs- my endeavors.
I've been curled up in bed this morning reviewing me for the past two months. Yesterday I had the really fun opportunity to interview the creator of the videos "Bi-polar or waking up." I had viewed them a couple weeks ago when I stumbled across two personally important websites for bi-polars: The Icarus Project and Bi-polar or waking up.
Particularly important to me was to find some answers as to what happened or what was the catalyst that finally changed my thinking that maybe I am okay. Maybe I do think or process information unlike most people. Can I live like this? Yes.
But can other people accept that I have opinions? Or should I be more quiet and reserved? (that'll be the day)
A friend of mine was telling me that it's sad that I would be condemned for simply telling the truth. Since that was one of the things I was compelled to do upon my strange return home from the "incident" we had to talk it out.
I agreed I had been far too open to my own detriment in fact. We lamented the loss or the impractical nature of being "truth teller Laura." I've wrapped that issue up. It's so freeing, less cumbersome, to simply tell the truth off the cuff as you don't even think about it.
I felt real...but I was very much disliked by most people. LOL
There is always a price to be paid for freedom.
After chatting with Sean of Bi-polar or waking up, I asked about how his episode had felt as if he had died. I could seriously relate to that feeling. I felt exactly that: I had died and come back.
Not only did I feel I had died, but I felt I had returned, was here to look at the other side of myself, the side where I'm strong, effective, driven, and oh so fun-loving. I have flashes of memories, and also flashes of scenarios, or as some might call them delusions.
I know of their fantastical nature, these delusions, and I suppose I would have to believe in them for them to be "true" delusions, except I see them as dreams or maybe "creative scenarios." But I've been interested in some of the things I must have thought at some points while I was away for three weeks in the arms of law of enforcement and psychiatric care.
Still don't know...
As I've mentioned I still do not remember most of the three weeks I was away at "life camp." I got the lessons, but miss knowing how I learned the lessons. Mostly, I remember the beginning when I went to throw a bottle of vitamins into my bedroom and a paramedic stepped into the doorway at the exact moment.
Bing! He took the B-complex on the bridge of the nose. I was so shocked and then the reaction by law enforcement as if I had done this purposefully. I did make the point that I have hit a moving Boxer, named Walter, with a rock on the head, because I have a great throwing arm.
Had I wanted to hit someone with a bottle of vitamins and make it count, I most certainly could have. And because of my talent, I could have hit that paramedic even if he was running, zigging and zagging through my yard. That's not what happened. This was a formal date with destiny arranged via this crazy universe we live in. (Scooter, you rascal)
But this was the moment when my life changed. And my animals got a lesson too as their owner was dragged away kicking and screaming. I probably wasn't effective in getting my message across to my would be rescuers that day, but I had no one to care for my animals. My parrot learned about going without food for several days.
She now eats all her bird food mix, not just the goodies. That saves me some money thank you for her lesson too.
The consequences, results of these events have been primarily beneficial to me and my animals. Walter could not be happier running amok at the lake. If you can believe it, the only time in the three years I've owned him did he get to go to the lake, I stood smoking a cigarette, yelling at him to run around. Then I think I chased him with the car because he was annoying me.
Yeah, that's a drastic change for the better for our Walter.
That pussy cat, Patches, is nothing but fucking trouble, but you can't help but admire a cat. Nobody was really aware of her presence while I was gone, so she made her presence known. She introduced herself to the neighbor and now she is being looked out for.
She was feral really, so fear issues kept her from meeting people, even my friends sometimes. I'm proud to say she has made great strides that will benefit her life.
And she's doing this and she's supposedly a lowly soul, an animal. She's farther ahead of many people I know!
When I first arrived home, I could not operate the microwave, and I suddenly got the notion, that I did not know or was not feeding my cat by the instructions on the bag. This went for Walter too.
Next thing, I have measuring cups for their food. For a whole month I felt good about myself and fed my animals per the instructions on the bag. Can any of you imagine me doing this? No, I can't either. But it lasted for a month, four cups of Purina One for Walter, 3/4 cup of Naturals for Patches.
That was totally anal and I laugh at it now. They fucking eat whatever the hell they want...funny part is that it's about the same as what I had measured for them. What did it really matter?
My priorities are different.
This would be one of the important lessons about priorities. I told someone one time who was confused, that he needed to set priorities. He said, "I have no priorities." I responded, "yes, you do, by virtue of the order you do things."
Each morning I realize I set the priorities for the day. I make the choices that in turn create certain circumstances, some beneficial and some not.
But the main idea I kept getting is that I'm allowed to create. I'm allowed to choose. However, I must accept the results of my choices. I'm not great at creating success yet, but that is the ultimate goal.
You might ask yourself though what is success for you? For me, I would like to have people around me who can communicate with me, be supportive, forgiving definitely as I'm a fucking bi-polar lest we forget, and those who respect me. These are the people I bring in close.
That's success right there...for me.
Yes, I have bigger and "badder" ideas too, we'll talk on those later.
Letting go of the anger...
If I look at my priorities from last year, I see someone who was very angry. But very angry with myself. Allowing myself to be hurt by the local liars collective known as the hospital district was part one of the fury and frustration.
It's so true that I could have NOT stopped by KVHD ER on January 25, 2011 to see why my heart was pounding in an unusual way. I had not realized what a target I had made of myself. So, I have the responsibility for going there and not thinking it out.
But since I did go, I have the experience of great pain and suffering which serves me as well as complete avoidance of that experience. It's done, so therefore it "was meant to be." I employ that thought when I go about forgiving myself.
This has been one of many keys, forgiveness. I did not realize how strong a spirit I am. Most of my life I tended to focus on my weaknesses. I suffered from "victimitis" for a good portion of my life too.
Then I began to assess that I'm strong and this puts people off somehow. It also makes them easier to hurt. It is also too easy to do damage to others because I CAN see right through them. Sometimes I can be fooled, but in all likelihood, I'll figure you out eventually.
So, I see the new responsibility is to forgive others along with myself. It has become powerful medicine for my soul.
How to forgive...
The big question in my mind was how do I forgive? First, I recognize as I said above, "what is done is done." Step one: recognize it has happened and is now out of my control.
I can't go back in time to change the circumstance. I can accept the lesson of why it happened. "What...you don't dry your dog in the microwave?" Okay, I won't do that again.
Another more obvious lesson, Don't go to a hospital where everyone hates you and your politics, and your antics, as they may do something bad in response like Narcan you or send in a sadistic phlebotomist to destroy the veins in your arm. (Okay, I won't do that again!)
Honestly, I would not want to have been anyone of those people who dealt with me during all of these drama filled years. These are not my people. These are people of little courage, character or charisma. (Awesome, the three C's I like in people)
I imagined these people at home, plopped in front of the dumb box or TV, abusing alcohol, hiding behind a bible, hiding in a medical textbook as if it is the end all of answers, generally unknowing and uncaring of their effect on the world.
That's when I could forgive them. These people fell off the evolutionary cycle onto the dirt road of lost souls. Why would I hold this against them?
Yes, everyone should avoid them, but forgiveness is different.
If one of them had the character to come to me to say I'm sorry, then I would not have to feel bad for them, I would see that they had the ability to see what they had done and then take action to do something to change it. No forgiveness is required when a fellow human being attempts to honestly communicate with another person.
There are so many times when we don't get the opportunity to change things. So, when we do have this fleeting opportunity, we must take advantage of it. The worst feeling to have to heal, is NOT doing what you know you should have done. Also sometimes known as the "sins of omission."
Nothing like a missed opportunity to kill a good buzz.
That leads me back to the opportunity which arose out of very ugly circumstances last November. I honestly don't know whether I died or not, but the feeling has stayed with me. I do know that I survived to actually enjoy my "friends" from jail. That will always be something special to me. Actually, ALL OF IT was special, will never happen again, in the same way, and it helped me immensely see things I could not or would not see.
I'm learning, I'm healing, and today I made more progress as I realize I will be okay being me. I do like walking in my own shoes. I can forgive others and I definitely will forgive myself for the many things I cannot change. But friend, as the saying goes, I WILL change what I can change!
Wake up to more interviews...
Upcoming is my interview with the creator of bi-polar or waking up. I hope to contact others out there, and there are so many that I'm getting really excited, who can speak to the spiritual life, the steps, the meaning behind our bi-polar.
Really, the meaning behind our lives. I want you to meet these people and the best I can do is interview and transmit.
I'll take up more of my epiphanies soon, but next I want to bring this first interview home, to provoke some thought.
Wake up to a better world! Have a great day making it happen! Laura Hart