Thanks to all who have been in my life, but I'm going to take this blog down. It will be gone due to the fact that I just don't know what to do with me or it at this moment.
I seem to have come apart at the seams. LOL
Acceptance, remember, that is key--Too bad I can't find the door.
There's far too much pain surging through my veins, this is another type of pain, though, it's emotional. Since I've been alive I've felt completely alone and different in this world. I don't think like other people do nor do I want to. (see bi-polar bedtime stories-who does those things?)
But I'm being forced to face an incredible imbalance within myself. Not that this will come as a surprise, but I've got an anger problem. It's a huge force within me that has been set on edge about too many things to list.
This is only half my imbalance. The other half is that I love too deeply. I love and have so much compassion for the world and all its inhabitants. It fucking hurts a lot. Ouch.
Something changed and it was me...
As has been repeatedly discussed for months now I had a "break down" or "awakening" it depends on how the situation is perceived. It really doesn't matter to me how it perceived as one is corporeal while the other, quite ethereal.
The world isn't ready for what I have to give or take. I'm in between heaven and hell, it's more painful than simple pain. This is more complex. I've a role to play and now I need to just play it--quit bitching about it.
I'm really so out of time it's not funny. No self pity, that will not help me.
Thank you to those in Leeds who tried to help me. Not too many people get involved in my drama, but some very nice people actually intervened on my behalf.
I guess I'll recount what happened.
I could not get control of my American taste buds, the food here in England as well as Spain, has been driving me crazy. My appetite cannot be sated. Actually many of my appetites have not been fulfilled.
There was a short time I thought maybe I could come down out of the clouds and land on solid ground. Then I found there was no solid ground.
One of the issues of being alive is eating, which is survival, so it's important. But I could not shake the feeling that I wanted my FUCKING AMERICAN FOOD AND SPICES.
My ire was up as I ordered the "American Pizza" at Pizza Express in Leeds. The judgment issue got upset so I thought this was terrible, and honestly any red blooded American or even Italian would have been disappointed. So, I began to get irritated.
All readers of this blog know that if I get irritated I begin to swear. So, my friends and I went to another restaurant that was supposed to have Chinese food. It did, but not for my taste buds. I went fucking bonkers. I just wanted to eat some fucking food that I liked (judgment). The restaurant employees were very accommodating, whereas, I was just an asshole.
Finally, I had wanted to finish up and the waiters needed the table. The people I were with had agreed to give up the table at 7:30. I did not. I may have even told the hostess that I would be out if I was done at that time. Just being honest.
Well, the waiters got a string of cuss words when they told me I had five minutes to finish my food. I scoffed at their time frame. Then the rest of my party left and I "occupied" the table. I was rolling up some Lo mein noodles on my fork and saying nothing at this point--just eating.
It was 7:30--showdown time.
Mr. Security guard with a huge attitude headed my way. I did something I normally don't or can't do, which is submit to physical restraint.
I didn't really even look at them, but there was a few of them. They told me I had to leave. I didn't say anything and kept eating.
Next thing, the thug had me by my arm, pushing it behind my back. He pulled me out of the chair onto my feet with my arm behind my back. I laughed and told him I have been thrown out of better places.
Then as we made our way up the corridor I made a few more remarks. Hey you don't get to manhandle me without getting some feedback.
As I realized that night, I can start a riot just about anywhere I go. I have a talent to be able to get people really pissed off.
"You know you need to see a dentist, your teeth suck."
My arm got raised higher for that remark. It was too easy. I just played on the stereotype of the British having crooked or bad teeth.
Then I hit him with the world wide fear: "And you have some bad breath."
Bam! My arm was practically over the top of my head. LOL
I could feel the pain, but it wasn't the physical pain that bothered me, it was simply that this guy was a coward. He really was a coward, as he was not a real cop- he was a "wannabe" cop.
I'm not into cowards. A cop would have had more confidence and probably would have laughed off a small, middle aged woman, and not have had to make such as scene. Not this guy.
So, in the middle of our travels to the outdoors, I spun out of his grip. I guess until you see me fight, you don't understand that I saved my own life once when "someone" was trying to break my neck by twisting my head, I quickly reacted and spun myself the opposite direction.
He was seriously pissed off now. And I was truly amused as he had to grab me again.
We were now outside in front where my friends were standing and waiting for me. I came out with a big person on my back but with a bigger smile on my face. LOL
I was so touched when my friend jumped right in the middle of this scene and told this dumb brute, "let her alone she's a mental case."
He dropped me, telling her I had hit someone. Why do these people lie and say I've done something I did not do? If I had begun hitting people the restaurant would have been cleared.
Why can't they simply admit that I got the best of them without ever throwing a punch? Just like my own anger problem, when someone lights you up you owe them a bit of thanks for showing you your own weaknesses.
My friend moved me out of the way, but I kept egging him on. It was too easy. She was shocked and I told her I was not angry-- just repaying the service with some tips for their security department regarding their orthodontic care.
She was so sweet to intervene on my behalf.
They threatened to call the police. As I always say in situations where I get someone so riled up they can't handle me with out threatening to call government law enforcement, "fuck you, do whatever you want."
My friends pushed me down the street into a pub, where this "insecurity" guard would follow as he was so lit up he could not let it go. LOL
Another person got in between us. Boy, I must say these are some brave people to step in between me and the people I light up. Kudos for having some fucking balls!
The night was young....
What I have to explain is that I was NOT drunk at this point. But later on I would be, very much so. I'm just an asshole apparently.
Before I left for Leeds on Saturday, my friend I'm staying with in London, was preparing me for my trip, making sure I had a cell phone, a way to get back to her house in London, funny British money and so forth.
Then she looked at me concerned and told me, "Just come back. I don't care if you're in pieces, just come back."
What a fucking good friend for a bi-polar American. She is so awesome, you have no idea.Very few people on this earth accept me for who I am.
We headed to the hotel where one of our party was staying. Actually, we were in the bar ordering drinks.
These guys must have been looking for trouble as a bunch of dumbasses arrived and actually spoke to me as I was at the bar getting some wine. LOL
Sometimes that's enough.
They were rude and arrogant--characteristic of bullies.
This time I got into it with those who think Americans are stupid. At least these guys were willing to say it and own it. So, then, I would own them.
The Brits are very much into their quiz shows and they like to learn facts, or as I call it: naming things. Wow, how impressive. These are people who can name all their monarchs, yet they allow their government to spy on their emails and videotape their every move. They have a very incestuous relationship with big brother.
I had one fact that no one I had spoken with had known, so I asked this bunch of jerk offs why the monarch was pointed to the right on all of their coins.
This bunch of brutes were standing their stumped, as it was a simple question. Let me say that we are at a point in time where no one really can know all the information there is know. There is too much, so keeping that in mind, I knew I had a chance to make them look bad and I did just that. I brought them to their mental knees.
"You have been doing this for more than 600 years, alternating from left to right with each monarch. I can't believe you guys don't know this."
There was silence at the bar.
Finally, they had to give me credit where credit was due. "Okay."
I even got a great big hug. LOL
One of my friends who had helped me with security at the restaurant, also had my back that night, as this row would not end here.
Another idiot came out while I was chatting with two of his mates at the bar. He starts making sexual remarks. Something about giving him a blow job and the size of his cock. I've heard this since kindergarten, it was so typical of an insecure male.
Now, I must say I was drunk, so I did not feel any need to hold back. This buffoon had a friend with him, and he was rather good looking. So, I started hitting on his friend in front of him. I went to a point of serious sexual harassment. LOL
There were no more sexual remarks about his cock after that. He deflated--went limp, if you will.
After that, I got into it with everyone again, but by this time I was fucking toasted drunk. Not making a whole lot of sense.
We left the bar backwards, me flipping the "American Eagle" as we recessed into the elevator. My friends were nice enough to cover me as I got really pissed off. Again they get thanks for being so cool!
It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to...
I'm simply not sure about anything right now. I've been crying for seven hours, though I passed out long enough to have some REM sleep and dream.
My friend called and we are supposed to go to dinner to celebrate.
I told her I wasn't sure if I could go out as my face is quite swollen from crying. She asked what was wrong.
"I'm a freak of nature. And I'll never be a normal person."
She said normal is not something to strive to be. Then she told me that maybe to just enjoy the catharsis then meet them for dinner. She has a surprise for me that may make me feel better she told me.
So, I'll wrap this post. And if I feel like getting back to it, I will.
One thing I know is that I am learning how to submit while I'm teaching others how to rebel. It's very strange. I have to get a handle on these imbalances in my nature or something is going to happen.