I came to London to see my friend. But actually I got here and she saw me. Today is the day I know more about myself- my current state- then I have in a very long time... if ever.
My friend is not just anybody, she's extraordinary.
But I want to preface this by saying that I have used this blog to tell the truth. And that truth has not always been a pretty picture. It's often difficult for me to justify doing this publicly, but I'm not going to stray from what has worked to change me.
There are issues that I would rather deal with outside of a public forum, but having done this, it has the effect that I'm no longer harboring problems--keeping these things out of the light.
My friend, who was only seventeen at the time, came into my life during a period when my whole foundation starting shifting. It was the year my mother died and to survive I had to face those secrets we keep in the darkness.
I've been facing a lot of issues recently--most of it accounted for on this blog. Layer upon layer of self deception as I've covered up what I thought were my weaknesses. Peeling it all off has been much like scraping paint: long and tedious. I can recall when I was 20 years old, thinking I would need maybe 250 years to get the hang of life. None of this came natural to me.
Today, my friend was able to reflect back to me pictures- images- beliefs I have become out of touch with such as--my anger/rage.
We discussed KVHD and the fact is that they may have hurt me, even tortured me of recent, but I can and will not allow it to happen again. But it is over. That's if I want it to be over. It's a choice I have when I acknowledge and accept it.
It's a problem when I bury it away from my own watchful eye. Neither of us could deny there were not real or unimagined hurts that were never allowed to be just what they were-- thus allowing them to heal. The pain stretched out over a long period of time--one thing on top of another.
Differentiating passion and anger...
I am passionately against hurting other people...yet, I'm really good at it myself. The difference would only be that I get angry at "possibly" justifiable events. But I don't just get angry, the whole world falls apart and I come unglued.
While dissecting the matter, my friend made a good point that I generally seem to manage to deal with my own pain rather well, and in a controlled fashion...most of the time. However, my mode of operation has been to help others. This well maybe my own fabrication as I internally try to hold onto the pain, but it manifests as a need to fucking fight even harder, more furiously, for people who "seem" to be victims.
Why did Batman fight?
You got a past, you got a past. What can you do? Accept it and own it, was the wisdom of the day.
My friend said there's no denying that she respects what I try to accomplish, but I often come out of these fights bloodied and bruised. The latter maybe all that needs changing.
I've acted in a confrontational way most of my life. Though I prefer to get along with other people, it seems that I will be blunt if the situation deems it necessary. A blunt instrument that is...
And most likely I will fight for other people as most won't fight for themselves. I can hardly stand it. It's like a crooked picture which needs to be straightened. Lord help those I've focused my laser on as there will be only ashes when the smoke clears. Again, that has been a choice whether I admit it or not.
But what if it's for a reason...
I'm bent but definitely not broken. What if life needs a character that has a lifetime of experience fighting?
Well, if it doesn't it would not have created me...wouldn't you think?
I'm here, this is what I am and what I do.
Then maybe I choose to change...
One way or another I will make many decisions and possibly implement new changes in my life. More awareness is in order. Also translating that awareness into daily life requires diligence and dealing with all the details.
Wow, what a complicated task it seems sometimes when we don't exactly know what motivates us to do the things we do.
Is it just low self esteem? LOL
What does that mean anyway. We as a creature, a human, I've observed tend to use words as if they are somehow known as concrete - the same definition for everyone. When I look at something and define it on this blog, I'm sure others will have their own interpretation of what I"ve written.
Hell, some people who have grammatical OCD can't stand to read me. My sentence structure is so weak and they just want to fix it.
I can relate to that feeling when it comes to my rules on justice. I think the sentence is weak and I just want to fix it.
My friend was able to do what not too many, if any, others have really done which is sharpen her knife and begin digging the bullets out.
There was no denying anything today- really that's the way it needs to be. I came here for a reason to be with someone who is not afraid to provide "passionate" feedback. We care about each other in a platonic, familial way, and with her Spanish temper, it works out. Oh, and her OCD about a lot organizational issues. She just wishes I was more strategic and less "rush the castle."
But being a bad ass does require some dramatic flair. lol
She's much more conservative as she seeks to AVOID conflict with her schedule. Admittedly, there's some extremes in both of us, which makes us perfect to reflect a surface we can see ourselves in--a mirror.
It's a perspective that we need to get in to see certain things. If I want to see truth I must look at a multitude of factors to even know the truth...of really anything. Sometimes I am in judgment I cannot see specific truths because of it. Once I let go of the judgment, employing acceptance, not trying or thinking of changing anything, there is more truth.
What truth do I act on, can be a real tough question. I've overreacted- but then I've also underreacted many times too. It's not either: it appears to be that moment of "just right" when I make a move that works for me. A car moves out of the way exactly when I need it to so that I may continue to speed along. Or I throw a piece of paper towards the trash and it ricochets off the wall and lands in the trashcan anyway.
It was just right.
I'll absorb and take in all that was said today. It's already processing, I can feel it in my reaction to certain issues.
I guarantee I will not be the only one changed by talking about these life items we take for granted and sleep walk thru. (The word through has three silent letters...and I think we can dump them. I'm much too busy to spell that out. I feel okay taking liberties with language. As always...I digress)
My friend heard some things today that I told her I really did not want to lie about to myself anymore. My rage being part of it. From this point on I will have more control of it simply by acknowledging it. I may have to do this repeatedly, but each time, I get a new truth.
After my lights came on this afternoon, I could feel pain in various parts of my body. My hands were shaky, I was uncertain. All good signs indicating the conflicts have risen to the surface.
Before I began this post, I packed away the story I wrote when I had some memory flashbacks and became angry two days ago. I'll re-post it--I can't run away from my feelings.
Unedited- Live- that's the effect I attempt to project on this blog. Not a huge stretch, but the raw material is good for introspective analysis--that's why I prefer to make myself write it out as it comes along.
"I'm learning to fly" ...Tom Petty. Youtube it--listen to the live version--when the audience sings along they all have a perspective on this song, an energy...try to feel it.
Have a great night...turn off the tube and get some truth and passion. Let it happen. Laura Hart (the bi-polar explorer)