Torture as a confidence builder
I'm still in London enjoying my freedom from the daily grind allowing me time for introspection. You know I was thinking tonight that my rumble with the Kern Valley Healthcare District...changed me--for the better--"The better to eat them with"... lol
The people running the hospital district probably don't realize that they created me in the first place. Had I had a satisfying experience within our healthcare district along with others, I would have gone home and rested. Never given them a second thought.
But as WE ALL NOW KNOW that's not what happened. LOL
One horribly painful adventure after another has given me some fucking confidence. I mean really, do any of you fuckers know of anyone else who they could do this to and have them get back up and smile right in their fucking faces?
No you don't. I'm an original mutherfuckers. (however, there is likely someone else out there with these same caustic qualities who may not be as nice as me--yeah, I know what you're thinking.)
You can Narcan me- make me squeal like a pig-and when I finally stop hallucinating--I fucking come back, shake your hand and take up my position as local Beefeater. Someone has to guard the health and well being of others.
And life stepped in and hit me with it's hammer which hardly deterred me or none of my friends would be concerned. I think we all know where I'm going with this confidence (see post title). However, it will be done my way.
I love the people who have come together to occupy, but I've been thinking on this for a long time, and I will have to step out on a limb and do it the "Bi-polar reporter way." It's who I fucking became through all these incredible tests.
The world needs a bad ass like me right about now. And I appear to have taken some torture this last time around at KVHD. These people played a role in our collective drama, as I needed to be put to the test where I would NEVER fucking fear anything again.
This makes me quite scary...
Yes, people who are on the side which has overwhelmed the sense of balance in the world, (nothing more or less, let's not get too caught up in the evil paradigm) --it takes a certain kind of person, bi-polar, to tackle the conundrum.
Other people would rather compromise. Me--not so much.
There's an imbalance which will need correcting so our earth isn't overwhelmed. That's why certain people such as myself, as I'm only one of many, who have woken up-- are paying attention--and for fuck's sake actually DO SOMETHING.
When did the people in Nazi Germany decide to take action? How many people died--suffered--while everyone was politically correct and trying to be respectful- accommodating?
We can't risk the whole planet, can we?
Most people who have been ahead of their time are often in danger as the rest of the world isn't necessarily ready for the kind of shift that will be taking place. Today is no different, except that we have come to a rather final place: we can and will destroy ourselves if some major change does not occur.
I'm up to the task
Having gone thru madness--one trial after another my life required I learn--and rapidly.
When I discovered the hospital's administrative charade which used my good will to try and obtain a tax measure on the community in the valley--the unnecessary killing and drugging of elderly patients--an attempt to buy me off then a subsequent attack when that didn't work.
I learned about fear.
I was attacked by a rapist, so I learned what rape is about--the violence. I also learned I could match that violence and even one up the attacker.
I hit a bathtub with my head. I learned about life as opposed to death. It may have appeared as free choice, but that was a set up as I did not want to leave and be bored...or not be here right now.
Ten days later I stroked out, had a speech problem. I still managed to call the former CEO of KVHD and tell her the reckoning would be delayed, with only half my face operating. But I mentioned it would not stop me.
And it didn't.
The end of 2010 I had the great displeasure slamming my car door on my face during a KVHD meeting. Of course, I covered the meeting even with blood trickling down my face, unaware I had broken a tooth and damaged a second one.
I learned that I do stay focused...on certain things. lol
This lead to the use of more pain killers and subsequently several bouts of Bradycardia, or slow heart rate, like 29 beats per minute.
It also opened an opportunity for a certain asshole medical director to hit me with Narcan while I was full of opiates. This was done in a shady manner, they did not tell me they were doing this...nor was it done correctly.
I call it a doctor induced death experience as I have never felt that kind of pain. My favorite grandparents, who are dead, were at my bedside for the adventure. While I had a sensation of being cold, or freezing, starting from my chest down, I did think I was dead or dying.
The Narcan was followed by tremendous hallucinations. Mostly skulls, some were dancing with top hats, while others were in tuxedos. Fucking insane.
My life was saved by a lot of different events and people. There was so much energy to keep me going, but not only that--to help me transcend and get stronger.
I learned to laugh and own the pain.
I had a gun pointed at me, along with a very direct death threat allowed to remain published on the Kern Valley Sun (burnt), local newspaper website requesting that "someone take her out."
It did nothing but make me bristle. I told my would be killers via my blog that if they were going to shoot me they had better fucking do it right. "Wing me and you will fucking only piss me off," I wrote.
However, I did learn that some people are sleepwalkers who have no social conscience.
Then...November came last year and I could no longer take the doctor dope, nor be controlled by the drugs.
I got royally angry, foaming at the mouth mad when my doctor had me sign paperwork which she misrepresented. Then the following day my pain management doctor decided I was too early on my prescription.
My anger surged to a point that I blacked out.
I learned that I can get so angry that I can't even remember.
The whole mess seemed too much to handle, and I wanted to be dead. One thing lead to another and paramedics and police were hauling me out of my house.
I now remember why I got scared and ran to a church across from the hospital seeking harbor. The faith less people at the church sent me on my way as they didn't want to deal with a "fugitive from justice" as I was being called.
Read this blog from November 8, 2011 on and you will know what I learned from that.
Things fucking change, don't they?
It's time for me to be who I am in every single respect. At the bottom of my core I feel a tumultuous rumble of change throughout my whole being.
My faith has become strong. The universe is my cartographer, mapping out my every move. I feel very much in touch with each and every lesson.
I clearly remember the moment I woke up in jail. lol
A tray of weenies and beans came to me thru the door and I pushed it back out the door-- food dropping to the floor--much to the shock of one guard-- I was so excited to suddenly know!
But a message arrived at that moment: "Allow everyone to have their own experience."
Meaning: Don't try to change how they perceive me and the world.
I quickly apologized to the female guard and the inmate who was helping her. They both looked shocked, so I tried to play down the reason I did what I did. Oops, sorry that was related to my spiritual awakening. LOL
The guard got a slightly upset, but the inmate told me I could have saved the food and eaten it later. Sage advice as my body went hungry. Luckily, my soul was tied up with other matters--celebration really.
The time is now...
We all have a role to play on either side of the football.
There is more certainty in my mind today...I'm still processing and researching, learning--but things were set in motion long before this time. I can look back on my life and see this coming.
You think George Orwell was a fiction writer? lol- Well, he was a visionary.
But...what Orwell didn't count on was the fucking tenacity of one Bi-polar American.
More to follow...it's time for a road trip this weekend. Easter weekend...resurrecting some other life issues? lol