Thursday, September 17, 2009

Crazy days indeed...depression...illness as a metaphor

So, I got my sorry ass out of bed this morning and headed over to my new doctor to get some trigger point injections in my neck and back. I had completely forgotten about the fact I had blood tests run a week or so ago.

The doctor tells me today, that my tests are showing that I have Lupus.

That's called a diagnosis. I've had quite a few of them in the last six years as I've struggled with my health. Grave's disease, still have that I guess.

But as I was thinking about the depression yesterday, and pondering the idea that I might just "hate" myself, I realize today that Lupus is an autoimmune disease which attacks the host, me.

So, something in my body is attacking me, stripping me of my weight, causing me pain, and there just may be some sort of link, I think.

My childhood was stressful at best, but something must have influenced me to a degree that I was not worhty in some way to be free to enjoy my life, how I see fit to live it.

How do I handle things from here? I'm not sure yet.

I know that the treatments consist of steroids, which I cannot take, so there's not much in the way of medical treatments to help.

Somehow, I feel like I'm going to have to help myself, and come to terms with whatever energy/thought patterns/unexpressed feelings which are causing my illness.

I'm sure it will be interesting, it always is when you learn about yourself.

So, I'm not out of the depression, not fighting it, just praying for answers.

Thinking again, what does this mean, this diagnosis? And how can I learn from it?

I'll let you know.

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