Monday, September 14, 2009

Depression and the void of laughter...

Well, I guess I blew all my good chemicals out my ears, as I'm in the middle of severe depression. The kind you don't really want to talk about.

After a family meltdown, and additional craziness that keeps me from trying to recover, I started to think about what the hell I can learn from this.

Yes, I can spin anything, even my own dark thoughts.

I've come to a point where its tough to admit, or talk about, but I think I hate myself. I think there has been a build up of dissappointment internally, and it plagues me.

When I get into this awful state of mind, I realize there is nothing anyone can do for me. It's all about me doing what I can to try to do to change this energy.

I've had all the helpful advice I can take, I just want to be left alone. And I've been verbally attacked, diminished, which didn't help either. Funny enough I'm too depressed to be angry about it at this point.

My energy is so bad, I can feel it, I don't know what it is all about, but if I plan on continuing my life, I better find out soon.

Hurting myself the other day made matters worse, as pain is not a friend, its an impediment. It's adding to the despondency.

All I can say to you people who have to suffer through this shit, is to not use your brain to figure it out. It's like submission, just accepting it, and praying the answers will come.

I've wrangled with depression all my life, but found myself intellectualizing it all. I could list all the reasonable things to do about it, but I didn't know how to utilize them.

When I can't laugh its like a void as it is my emotional tool.

Since everyone involved whirled right in behind me when I hit manic rage, they were affected which always makes me feel terrible.

So, now we're all depressed. And everyone is wondering what I'm doing. They have to call and check in.

I'll tell you I'm just trying to get through it that's all. Apparently, I've got to deal with these demons on some level so that I can find my way back from being lost.

Don't fight it, see it, and find out what happened to lead to the darkness.

I'll get back to you on that...

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