Thursday, September 17, 2009

Kicking some bi-polar ass...getting past the depression...

"What did you say to him," a friend of mine asked me last week after I told her another friend was angry with me...again.

"Nothing, actually, it was all done with my hands."

So it seems I can make people angry even without uttering a single word. Wow, the power. (geez)

I apologized for doing whatever I did, which I'm not exactly sure of, but am sure that I was not happy at the time, and things can get misinterpretted very easily.

Sometimes people take things personally, which is the title, we have decided for the third book in the series, "The Chronicles of the Bi-polar Reporter." It has to do with a time that the medical establishment decided to give me some Paxil, and SSRI antidepressant, not meant for bi-polars.

I took one dose and went from depressive paralysis, to vigilante butt kicking, eradicating drugs from a whole city, maniac. None of it's true. Okay, I'm lying. Some of it is true. Well, most of it is true. People have not forgotten my bi-polar war on drugs. I'm thinking it should be called, "Tweekers versus Super Tweek." I don't care how much meth you consume, there will never be a rival to a bi-polar on antidepressants. That's what a whole city found out.

Anyway, I truly dislike it when my friends are more sensitive than I am insensitive, because I end up saying or doing something that brings them down.

Not knowing depression was on its way to my door step and into my mind, I was in what everyone around me likes to call a "mood." It was depression worming its way into my thinking and activities like a virus.

This is a serious subject as I know so many have suffered and even killed themselves because of the chemical breakdown which occurs during depressive phases of the bi=polar cycle.

I've said I would be honest and forthright on this blog, as an outlet for me, and a demonstration to the younger bi-polars, of how to handle these psychological challenges.

I wish I could say what happened this week was treated with my wisdom and experience, but it's not true. Depression hit like a rock against my head, and only now, more than a week later can I say that I feel...different. Nothing really happened except someone made me angry and it helped my mood.

Is that fucking crazy or what?

(I can hear the hissing of the hose filling again, and the mania on its way. )

What happened?

Sometimes nothing happens, and like someone told me this week, "what goes down, must come up," which is the only way to explain it.

There was an email on my computer last night that left me irritated. I didn't initially respond, because I didn't think this person was worth a mere sentence of rebuttal, but when I woke up this morning, I changed my mind.

I wrote back and made sure in four sentences to put this person quickly in her place, and left the sword hanging from her back. Felt pretty good actually.

But even as I did this, I recognized that my mood had changed, and stayed aware so I did not do more damage than was intended. I hit a target and left it at that. Pretty straightforward really.

Again, the game is this, keep aware of what you are thinking and doing at all times. It may seem a cumbersome task at first, but it is totally necessary to control the bi-polar.

This is not an easy life by any means, but it is interesting, never boring. I say always make it through the depression, don't let them be the defining moments. There are places our minds can go that others cannot follow or would be too afraid to follow. Its actually amazing if you can survive it.

I always have to remember that depression is a phase which will pass. And not to fuck everything up while I'm waiting.

Yes, I have tried many times to kill myself. So, I said it, even though it is difficult to admit.

The first attempt I was only 11 years old. After years of depression and a sudden onset of mania, I couldn't take it anymore. Obviously, it didn't work.

But try, try again. I attempted to kill myself in many ways, and was for some reason, always unsuccessful.

That is why this is such a serious subject and we should discuss it regularly. I've heard now, many young bi-polars talking about the "way out."

There is no way out, only a way through the mist kids. All of us at one time or another want to get out of the pain, but we have to, whether we like it or not, ride out the tidal wave of negative thinking. If I can do it, anyone can.

I'm no example to follow, and certainly no one to look up to. But I am someone who has done her best to not just stay alive, which is really nothing, but to create the best me I can create. When I go to sleep at night, I need to know I did my best, even if it didn't work too well. Your own life is your work of art. I'm a little abstract to say the least.

One of the funniest things said this week to me was when I related the manic rage incident from last week, where I tore myself up being angry over really nothing that couldn't be solved by a quieter mind. I was saying how stupid I was for getting so angry. I was simply told, "so what? You're human."

Now, generally speaking, people usually tell me in no uncertain terms that they agree I'm a dumbass, but to be told, I was human, well, that actually seemed okay.

Since a lot of us bi-polars feel like aliens from another planet most of the time, it was actually nice to have verification of my human status. That goes for all of you.

I'd like to apologize to everyone around me for my depressive attitude this week, and thank you all for understanding.

For some reason, when I get down, I bring everyone down with me. I hate that, and don't know exactly why it happens that way.

Now, the hose is filling again, by tomorrow a whole new outlook will replace the tattered remnants of the, let's kick some bi-polar ass...are you with me?

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