Emotional geography!

The bi-polar reporter on the loose, hunting big game, the former CEO of our local hospital, public healthcare district. And what a hunt its been.

I'd like to have an ending for my second book, and I'm getting anxious to see what it is. But like anything else I do, I have to get around my bi-polar to do it.

So, it started last night as I kept thinking that this white collar criminal is going to get away from a good public spanking. Nothing I could do about it, but say it on my other blog.

I've been trying to quit smoking, using Twizzlers as a substitute. Quite frankly I will never have another one after eating a pound of them last night. I don't even know what those damn things are, recycled plastic bottles with sugar and food coloring?

I knew I shouldn't have tried to eat that last one. I heard the rumble start in my stomach, and next thing I brought out my heating pad to try and stop the onslaught. I belched, turned green and fell asleep without setting the alarm.

At 7:15 I jumped out of bed, looking everywhere, confused, and suddenly realized I was running late.

Its not easy for me to get out of bed, but regardless of the Twizzler overdose and subsequent gas issues, and the regular pain of living, I hauled ass into the shower and raced to my destination.

Overdoing it comes natural to me apparently. My friend asked me how late I work. Well first I don't come alive until after 6 pm, so I do stay up late.
I then confessed that I work until the pain is too great and I can no longer see or feel my arms. Then I just pass out from there.

Her response was, "what the hell are you doing?" I wondered for a moment myself what I was doing, then realized, doing what I love.

So many people have watched me do the crazy things I do on my blogs, and they don't know where it comes from. I don't either, I'm just weird, and I get bored.

I can no longer do straight up news stories, I'm working out my own style and "spin."

And people have told me even though they "don't like me" or even what I write, they think its funny.

Absolutely, life is funny, that's my point. And there's a story in everything, I try to tell my writers, who are more frightened than I thought.

People seem to be frightened of me. I will never be able to get away with saying I'm a kind person again, after this fray with the healthcare district.

I know exactly how my parrot feels. I tell everyone she's just a sweet bird with a big beak. Then she freaks out one day and bites them on the face. She didn't mean it, she got too excited.

She's my bird, I've been bloodied by her on numerous occassions, but I'm crazy about that bad bird anyway. My friends have been chomped and pecked, and they forgive, me, I mean, her too.

I've bit the whole Kern River Valley on the face and they will always be watching for my beak forever more.

There is this wonderfully understanding and compassionate woman who works as an advocate for patients in nursing homes, and I told her I was bi-polar, and she pulled back on me for a minute or two.

Then she read the blog, the other one, the one with the guns, and she said, she had a son with ADHD, and worked with us different people in different capacities.

In her email she closed by saying, "I'm sure you are aware that in your "up phase" you have more energy than the average person, and that tends to overwhelm others. It's like a fire crew handling a high pressure fire hose. They have to keep a firm grip on it so that it doesn't become distructive."

Well, I relate this to the trials with my thyroid/bi-polar imbalance which ate up years of my life. Hell, that hose would fill, and I would be hanging on with both hands, trying to get a grip, then just as suddenly there would be nothing there.

Down I'd go. While I was dealing my new state of mind, the hose would start filling, I began to listen for the hissing sound, and off I'd go again.

These two very different states of mind can be confusing to get through, and certainly anyone with this disorder out of control, must realize that they are definitely a problem for others.

I've had more mania over the past six years than I can recall ever having to handle before. Yes, it was very bad during puberty, and then my twenties weren't so hot; okay, I'm stopping myself here, because it is difficult to compare these "eras" of bi-polar.

I do know one thing for certain, I learned a lot.

Today is one of dejavu days with flashbacks. In 2006 I had my best year in years. I was actually sleeping a few hours a night, I weighed almost 115 pounds, I was in an exercise class, I built up to writing several stories a week, the bi-polar was somewhat under control and I thought I was on my way back...again.

As the story goes that didn't happen, and within just two months I was suddenly missing 25 pounds, a rash began developing around my thyroid area, and I simply was on the way down.

The stress began to get to me, and by 2007, I was fully an out of control bi-polar. That hose was spraying everywhere. It didn't mean I was unable to recognize reality or had hallucinations, it meant I was so jacked up that I would wrestle constantly with irritation, adrenaline and emotions.

Nobody understood what the hell I was talking about, I tried to manage by myself staying what I call, "destimulated." meaning, reduce the stimulation, reduce the mania. A dark room for a few hours is what it takes sometimes.

As my health fell back apart, and the hope for some resolution to the problems always out of reach, I just held on for the rest of the ride. I white knuckled it. It was a roller coaster and the only way out was through it.

Then trauma after trauma hit in waves, one after the other until one day, I got the thyroid under control.

That was nine months ago, and I'm now the perfect person. Right. Anyway, survival of the fittest, you hang on and hang in, "beaten up, but never beaten down," and you will find your way.

Unfortunately, there is nobody who can help you but you. Great realization. Scary for some people. But its important to understand on a bi-polar level. Yes, if you fuck up, then apologize and hope for forgiveness. But recognize at all times what you are doing.

If your friends who know and understand you, tell you, hey, stay out of trouble for a few days, you know you've been bad bi-polar. If they are amused and you are productive, then that is another sign.

But we are responsible for our own behaviors, whether we are bi-polar or not. And no one else can get in that crazy head of yours that you're really all right, you just need to understand your current emotional geography.

Are you north pole or south pole? Well, my advice is always head for the equator. There is no GPS system for us. We have to do our own personal cartography.

Laura Hart, still bi-polar after all these years...