Tuesday, September 15, 2009

"To Be or Not to Be" oh crap that's been used

Day #7: depression

Well, it doesn't seem to want to wear off on its own, it just keeps going, taunting me to the point I can't help but go back and forth on what I want to do with my "life."

So, it's part of the program of bi-polar. Not that I haven't experienced this before, its just when you're right in the middle of it, it seems there's no way out.

I feel like the worst person on the earth, yet my friends and family, still, for some reason, want me to prevail.

We all have to learn to get over this kind of thing. Its not easy, no at all, your mind lies and tells you that you're nothing but a scoundrel who should have never been born.

How do I get through this? Well, I've prayed that my health would get better and that would do quite a bit for my depression right now.

I remember just six months ago, trying to check myself into to a psyche place, but they wouldn't take me because they said my physical problems were worse than my mental problems.

Really, I laughed so hard at them.

They gave me the quiz about do you want to live, I said no not like this, they said, what helps? Nothing really.

Looking at my bird, my crazy, cussing, parrot, sometimes helps, but then there has been too much in my life of recent.

My sister actually had to explain to my father how screwed up I am. Apparenlty, he thought, and maybe I gave him the false idea, that everything was okay.

Now they know.

I was supposed to be in Europe with my good friend, but then she got a gander at how I looked and maybe finally understood why I couldn't go. I wouldn't have enjoyed it.

Let's try day 7 and see what my wicked chemistry has in store for me tomorrow.

There's so many things I want to do, but not like this. I honestly have to start caring to have my life back. Those with depression out there, you need to understand, you have to care about yourself, no matter what your crazy brain tells you.

Okay, let's try this again, what do you want from me Scooter?

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