Bi-polar by the lake..."The Boxer Rebellion"

 

Bi-polar by the lake...

What a beautiful weekend we had here in the Kern River Valley above the smog in Bakersfield, and next to Lake Isabella.

We had a great time getting out, stretching, after the in-climate weather passed us by. Nothing but sunny skies as Walter and his new buddy ran wild and free!

 

This is our spot to walk or run as is the case with Walter. We enjoy our lake side sprints, but this weekend, Walter had a friend to play with and they enjoyed the hell out of it!

His owner and I took a stroll and watched the two dumb asses play and get in the water...and also knock me down.

Yes, that was something I learned this weekend, that Walter may just be intentionally knocking me down. The very first time we came out to the lake and met another dog/owner, Walter sped around and the dogs knocked me down.

We went out one evening and Walter had to run after another dog who was minding his own business and his owner. Walter was told not to go and bother them, but apparently he overrode my command and got this poor dog all stirred up.

A teenage girl and her mother were just ambling along when Walter started the commotion. They were really nice about it, but Walter was getting their Australian Shepherd all worked up by jumping on the girl whom this dog was trying to protect.

And that asshole Walter seemed to be doing this on purpose. As he and this dog ran, somehow I got knocked down three times! Nobody else was knocked down...Hmmm?

I had only started filming Walter and company this weekend, when I was suddenly jettisoned off my feet, and  I fell to the ground protecting the camera.

I have two videos clearly showing this bad dog Walter intentionally knocking me down. He's a passive aggressive asshole...and I love him for it!

This is the first picture post but I will try to put up the "bad dog" video showing Walter trying to knock his own caring, thoughtful owner, (me) to the dirt. What a bastard!

The dogs chased not only those crazy "sea gulls" or "land gulls" but went after a Raven. According to Avian literature, Raven's are one of the smartest birds on the planet. However, I was shocked to find this bird, as well as another, eating cow shit.

He took a bite and then flew away. I am wondering if they choose to eat shit or they have nothing else? (That same question could be asked of people I know too...)

Now that I'm with camera again, it's time to bring some photos to the blog, making it more real. After Walter and I enjoyed our long walk with friends, we took off and played some basketball at the park.

Good thing I don't embarrass easily as Walter made an "ass" of me chasing me and biting my butt while I dribbled the basketball up and down the court.

There were a group of young teens watching and laughing as Walter and I were playing Dog/Human basketball. That SOB was pretty good keeping the ball himself, he just can't shoot the thing. We will be playing again tomorrow with another friend so maybe...now just maybe as it was embarrassing, I'll get some pictures or video.

That depends on my level of self esteem tomorrow. Walter is not helping!

Have a great day with your dogs...but don't trust them!  Laura Hart (a bad dog herself)

Mad pride...

We can even like our bi-polar?

I guess I have some of it too, what they call "mad pride." I'm happy to be a bi-polar even when I'm depressed, honestly, I do not desire to be anything but what I am. This is my life, I do- do what I want.

I'm not a victim, though it would have seemed that way had I listened to all the doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and, of course, my parents. Luckily I have a short attention span and dumped the lesson that I have no control over my destiny for a feeling of mad pride.

To this day, there are people who would LOVE that I was chemically restrained. They would love that I admit that my thoughts are inferior to their superior, sane, thoughts.

Thank God, we the peculiar have made great strides going beyond the limitations society wishes to put on us, collectively, that is. Enough people are now of the mind set that the label insanity, or severe mental illness, imposes a judgment which diminishes our experiences. Therefore we are free to enjoy the ride! Explore the terrain such as LSD or other "hallucinogenics" provided to people looking for their answers, spiritual and otherwise.

To argue about this would be stupid and a big time waster, we are all fucking nuts and we know it. Now there are times we need SUPPORT. That's a different animal. Depression, lack of self esteem, feeling isolated and different, they all require some comfort from the outside as we often just need the acceptance of our personal plight.

Then you have the mania. Oh good Lord, the people I have angered when I've been "too happy." I do have a great resource of enthusiasm about life, that helps me sail past depression or crisis on a regular basis. My sister upon picking me up from jail last month, after not being able to bail me out, or know my condition stated: It looks like you've done it again...come out all right.

Since I was a teenager, I took medication of sorts for my anger.  I chose marijuana as my drug of choice for my surly self. My new mindset, however, wants to remove the barrier between me and my emotions...so no to anything which suppresses this information. And yes to anger as it's part of the life experience.

And yes to everything that has to do with life. I cannot really conceive of what others might label me as and I guess I don't care. The more I make people uncomfortable the better my understanding that "IT'S NOT ME." I'm not in charge of anyone's reaction, but my own. That doesn't mean I may not encounter consequences, we all do.

It's exciting to see people steer away from labeling themselves mental and more aptly creating an understanding and acceptance of their personal situation.

One organization very much dedicated to looking at mental illness as potentially a "dangerous gift" is called "The Icarus Project." They have created an outlet for many people formerly known as "crazy" now known as "fucking crazy, but cool anyway." LOL

Check out the site: http://theicarusproject.net/about-us/2011-miscellaneous-member-reportbacks

The Bi-polar American is a lifestyle, a way of thinking, an attitude! And hopefully even a beacon for others to consider in terms of thriving and not just surviving. There is nothing about this way of thinking in terms of bi-polar that should stop anyone from having a damn good time with life. And thankfully, it doesn't matter the circumstances of your life, a Bi-polar American can create heaven where there is only hell and vise-a-verse. 


And we do it...Our way!

Best wishes. Laura Hart

NEW INFO! "Good Morning KRV: I made it thru the night, now it's your turn to suffer me"

Found this post in the editor: This is a blog that came from the November 2011 suicide/kicking doctor dope episode. On November 8th, I began my tour of the "rabbit hole" as I stopped all my pain killers and even my sleeping medication, Xanax. 


The sudden cessation caused some turbulence in the force as you may notice in this post. I was actually really scared to stop the drugs. I had no notion of what would happen. Then God granted me quite the wild ride. 


The posts clearly show my meltdown from November 8th, 2011, where I lose total control of my senses as I try to get off the doctor merry-go-round. The doctors had given me lots of good dope to use, but I was now in the mood for less dope, and in a hurry to get out of their control. Addicts keep coming back, and that's another office call -or two- if I run low early!


I had a new PA who had made me sign a contract that I didn't read. She really had a lot of nerve, but did it to the wrong person. I was so pissed it made me want to be off of all drugs. And cigarettes too! 


However, I ended up in jail, and a psych ward, for all my trouble. I really enjoyed it though. I was a fugitive from justice as local folklore says I attacked hospital personnel and ran to a church for safe harbor. But the church had no faith and dropped me into the lap of law enforcement who cuffed me and took me to my pen for a rest.

I still have amnesia as I cannot remember at least two weeks of jail and fun. I've had blackouts where I lost a night, but not this sort of thing. I have snippets but that is about all.

So, as part of my effort to be true to myself and also my readers, I am posting this sweet gem. It also fills in the gap of where I was mentally in the course of this great adventure.

I write what I'm feeling, no right or wrong, just information for me to use. And God help us all that I was taken away before I called the lightening from the sky to smite all the healthcare providers in this town. 

This is part of the record of my life. The crazy bi-polar American that I am! 

Relax and enjoy...the anger of it all!   (This post created on November 9, 2011)

It was intense but I am alive and "kicking" this morning as I told you last night, these doctors of ill repute have given me a challenge: I love a challenge.

Though my face broke out, my limbs twitched all night, I didn't really care. I did however really have fun plans for today if I made it. And I did, in full armor, manic rage!

Good morning muther fuckers I'm still here and you, well, you may want to reconsider as I am about to show you exactly what happens to me without these medicines. I guess it was more important to judge me than to listen.

Now I'm your doctor, yes, let's play fucked healthcare together.

Oh, I'm into experimentation, that means, that I am about to experiment with them. I retrieved the drugs from the garbage this morning, because that would have been a mistake.

I can hear it now: "Oh yeah, sure you did." (throw them away) Well, here it is right here and I'm going to be bringing them to you today. I'm considering the delivery via pelting you with these pills, hopefully, you will be smart enough to turn your head and not get a Xanx bb in your eye.

Or would you care for some "limitless" cytomel? Oh, that's right, my friend another PA who doesn't like women doctors anymore than I do this morning, says they are prescribing improperly. In fact, God help us all, as I haven't even finished my other fight.

Good thing that withdrawal brings out the fucked part of me, and that is what you get for causing me this trouble. I've been this way long enough to know when I'm gone over the edge, and I am, to an extent, whereas, I didn't really expect to be here, except one woman, had to test it out.

Fools ye be.

Let's see I'm going to use all the things that are legal and available, such as those healthy cigarettes being sold everywhere.

Smoking' and loving it. Thanks America for being the fools you are and the hypocrites who sell this shit, that kill people daily, costs millions in Medicare dollars, but then no, don't take care of my health problems, take care of your mental problems. AT LEAST I ADMIT IT

Everything legal and sold over the counter today. Alcohol, why not a friend to the bi-polar, or those in direct contact with a drunk,  manic, angry bi-polar, it is legal to do. And I plan on trying out the finest of beers, and ride those Budweiser ponies.

What will happen? By now you should know that I don't even know. But then there are those who are so stupid...so stupid. I feel bad that they were given a brain incapable of an original thought, but I have unique thoughts everyday.

They want to chemically restrain me and allow their own folly to run free. I don't think so.

I'll be getting these drugs to you today, please await my arrival. I have to get a beer, and of course, as all these doctors say, "I don't eat enough."

How about a few humans on the menu today, will that help me gain weight?

No, I've had it, and now I've had a whole night of suffering and pain, and fear, but I only lovingly thought of you people who have helped me realize you are the ones in need of help.

Putting a contract under a partially blind person and pretending the contract was about something else, then making me sign it? I can't really believe it, but then you get what you give. In fact, one call late last night was for more information, I need to have an offense, and a defense.

The drugs are only part of this experiment as I said you sneaky bitch, you are the problem. I am your doctor, please tell me what I can do to help you fucking straighten your errant thinking and behavior.

I guess it's time...

Eyes wide open...listening to bi-polar stories

They were wide eyed when I finished the story...

I must say people who listen to my stories tend to be sort of shocked. I recently recounted the month of December in 2007. My cousin and her husband had not heard about the events of this wicked month, so I sort of went into the whole dramatic tale.

I suppose some background is in order, but that was the year I died on the bath tub and decided to come back. Yes, I discovered death's secret!

The first part of December, 2007, I had been attacked by my biological mother's friend, let's call him. He caught me off my guard one night, and a struggle which would last five hours took place. I wasn't in the best of shape, I was maybe 90 pounds, and emotionally drained dealing with my mother's breakdown.

This dude had some idea that he would overpower me and possibly rape me. I had the notion that there would be a fight before that happened...and there was. I'm not saying that I didn't get beat up, I had my head cracked against the dresser, but then that's my head, harder than fucking wood!

We fought and fought and finally he got up and said the famous words: "You're stronger than you look."

Indeed, mutherfucker!

The stress of that event would set off a drinking binge which would end with my sister and brother finding me in the house ingesting pills, ghostly white, and half dead. They were my rescue squad.

Earlier in the day I had tried to find this asshole to fuck him up. For some reason he wasn't home when I came calling. I took it personally and got very drunk.


My siblings took my sorry ass back to my brother's house where they waited to see if I could emotionally recover from the fight. My sister stayed with me too and we three bi-polars came together to survive another ordeal.


The book wrote itself...

Weird things happened when we the three bi-polars stayed together that week. My brother's father had died of a heart attack at the house only a month earlier.

The whole thing shook the stability of us all as his father had become sort of a stabilizing agent for us grown up kids! His loss was felt by the order of the bi-polar disorder, but my brother was deeply distraught and started drinking heavily every night. I honestly thought I would go insane myself from all the pressure.

Trying to stave off madness, I had my sister and brother hook up my computer and I started to write..the first book in the series, "The Chronicles of the Bi-polar Reporter." My mind was locked into the book, the imaginary story running through me without any effort.

I remember looking out at the people around me, but I could not hear them. I could see them talking, laughing, but I was inside the book. I was writing and I became the characters. I became the events of the story and I got lost there. 

No sleep for the weary only death...

After my book was complete, my sister had left, it was my brother, his booze, and the bird. It was tough as he kept the music playing, mostly Pink Floyd's "The Wall," all night. Then one night I woke up and realized he had passed out.

I was so happy I had to pee. Actually, I had to pee anyway, and tried to be quiet...that didn't work out too well. LOL

Hazy from the sleep, I quickly headed to the bathroom. I wasn't quite awake and kind of confused his house for my house, so when I entered the bathroom I tried to flip the light switch into the up position. Too bad for me as the switch was side to side. Ooops!

I had moved too quickly, the darkness grabbed me, and I fell forward. 

I was falling and had no idea where I would land. Time slowed down- my hands reaching for something, anything, to catch me.

The next thing I remember was a sound so loud it woke the dead, or my drunken brother in the other room. He said it was so loud he knew something terrible had happened.

It was a matter of inches...

We live and die within inches, and had I been standing four inches back I would have missed the pleasure of mutilating myself on the side of a tub. 

Quick point here is that I had been in the tub area earlier in the day getting it ready for my parrot, Sky, to take a bath. However, the tub was disgusting and I did not want my parrot in there. But I had done something which probably saved me from plastic surgery: I left the glass tub doors open.

Lazy ass that I am left those doors open and thankfully so, or I would be a face full of scars. 

Had the glass door been shut I would have hit that and likely had severe lacerations. As it was I hit the metal rail leaving a dent in it that fits my head!

Shit, some psychic's bend spoons, I bend metal rails with my fucking head. This metal rail has been examined by many people and each one is more amazed as the metal is solid with no give.(I'll show you a picture soon)

A bloody mess...

It wasn't a pretty scene, my brother said my blood sprayed the whole bathroom.

I remember hitting the tub, then drifting off above my body lying on the floor. I could see my spirit breaking into pieces, disassembling itself for the afterlife. It was eerily quiet except for the pleading voice of my brother: "Don't die!" 

Jesus Christ, that SOB, my brother, would not stop saying that.

Here I was in the presence of the creator, ready to bow out of my performance, and yet I could not because this sorry ass could not stop trying to save me. 

I knew I had a choice to die or not to die. "Oh shit!" I thought as I realized death would be boring and I would want to come back right away to avoid this boredom. New revelation! We do reincarnate for a reason.

In a moment, I resumed my life and I sat straight up. "Shut up!" I yelled at my pathetic, sobbing, brother. Yes, my first words back were shut up and I'm sure more cuss words.

It's not a theme I had expected. Near death did not contain any religious figures, any fan fare, only the stark realization that all we  have is here and now. Those fucking Bhuddists were not kidding.

My brother seemed satisfied that he had done his work and I would live. Fuck him! But I do love his tenacity, raising the dead takes some real balls!

Take me to the hospital, I ordered...

At the hospital, I was alert and covered in blood. Two nurses worked to clean the blood which was still bleeding from the wounds. Once they had cleared my face, they jumped back from me and said, "It's the reporter!."

Great.

Just what I needed upon my return from death was to be recognized at the hospital which loves to hate me. I didn't say much to them, but did not get much treatment either. No stitches, only a cleaning and some band aids.

There were two cuts in my forehead which match the rails on the tub. Then there was skin torn off between my eyes which should have solved the problem of my "uni-brow." However, the malignant hairs somehow grew back.

Then there was the damage to my left nostril. The hospital released me with continued bleeding, no stitches, and I had to contend with a severe cut inside my nose.

As I worked on myself at home in front of the mirror, a piece of my nose, cut like a watermelon wedge, fell out in my hand. I was kind of taken aback but decided it was too big a piece to just throw away. So, I found the wound and stuck the damn thing back in! I held pressure on it until it started to regrow back into the area it fell out of...Awesome!


It was a long night of mopping up the blood. I waited to be seen the next day by my regular doctor who did nothing. In fact, he told me that the tub rail had to be aluminum or I would have been dead from the accident. Well, I was dead, he had that part correct.

I never got one stitch but the clinic doctor said he would owe me some plastic surgery instead. Right. Yeah. 

I like my scars, they remind me of my brush with death. And death reminds me I'm alive right now, so fucking enjoy it!

Ten days after the fall I would have a stroke and be jettisoned into a portal in the hospital ER...LOL. That's another story for another time.


My cousin just gasped...

So, my cousin and her husband listened to the story, well they gasped mostly. At one or two points I heard, "oh my God!" And I do believe they had big wide eyes.

The issue of dying has caused more than some disagreement among people who have heard this story. I know what happened to me. I have a tub rail sitting on my deck with my head imprinted in it. I remember it all!

These things happened to me in month's time. There really is so much to learn in this life...I can hardly wrap my head around it! LOL

Have a great day and I hope you create stories that could raise the eyebrow of a bi-polar! Go get 'em!

Laura Hart (bored with death)

Zen and the art of bi-polar

Keeping it real...

Knowing that my bi-polar chemistry has great potential for misuse, LOL, as with any other drug or chemical that alters your thinking, you must be aware of what is happening at all times.

I know I've drifted in and out of depression a few times in the last two weeks. There was a low then a gradual rise in energy to meet the day. I did not stay in the low, I was aware of it, saw the cause then removed the problem.

Each time I encounter a problem it becomes an immediate issue to remove it so I can enjoy myself. I choose not to become involved in each and every mood swing. And I choose to be happy in this moment. I'm also well aware I have no other moments, but right fucking now! That simplifies things for me...

Thank God for stretch denim...

I've noticed that everyone has an eating disorder of some sort. At first I thought it was me, but NOOOO all of us has one of these eating disorder thingies.

I get the fun disorder where you eat and everyone cheers you on! I'm too skinny, doesn't that suck?

As I pointed out at our NA meeting the other night, if I were fat and had bought a roll of cookie dough- tore the package open with my teeth- squeezed the dough out a hole as I drove home- someone would not have thought it was so cute. But that was me a week ago. 

These are the unfortunate and sad realities of judgmental thinking. I happen to be underweight-or I used to be-now my stomach hangs out further than my boobs or butt! That's where stretch denim is both handy and comfortable.

Everyone has a weight issue, so we need to put it aside long enough to enjoy life! 

Still underweight according to US statistics...

It would be difficult to continue this kind of eating binge. Every two hours it's food, food, food. At night I can't sleep with out food. But I could still use more weight for my height! Likely, this binge will end on its own and I will adopt new habits.

I can feel the food whether it reacts to the needs of my body. There seems to be a way to know "how to eat." This is part of my mission.

Right now, it's me as a child, eating whatever crap I remember as good. Hot tamales, the candy not the Mexican dish, happen to be a favorite for moments of anxiety. I like the jelly bean like candy sticking to my teeth. I know that must be wrong somehow, but I do! I love it!

I think I'll mellow out on the food as soon as I satisfy this beast within. I'll write, "Feed me Seymour" on this growth I used to call my abs!

I guess we will see what weight is best. I have bigger plans for me than just weight gain. I plan on making this body work like a top...for it's age anyway.

Suspend your judgment...

Now that I've told you that everyone has an eating disorder are you going to watch how you eat? What if you find yourself thinking you may just have an eating problem? That's your new mission to figure out the problem then fucking get rid of it. Not that easy when it comes to food.

Question yourself: "how does this food make me feel?" The whole point is we truly do react to our food. And not just the content of the food. Also the preparation. Was it really made with love? Or did a pubescent throw it together on a grill? Taking care of our food does make it better!

Today we all endeavor to know how we are eating and what it is doing to us. Whether we think we're heavy, underweight, slim, bulky, droopy, phat, robust, humungous, misshapen-(you get the message)-we can agree that our disorder needs balance. The key to all bi-polar is balance. Start there. Have a great day! Laura Hart (hungry)

The sensitive bi-polar...

Yes we can be sensitive...

As I wrote the definition of being a bi-polar American, BPA, I realized I had not touched on the more sensitive side to our kind. We are a mutant species, most likely, with the ability to see both sides, the up and down, left to right, and so on. We live it daily.

Sometimes we can be mistaken for people who don't care. It's quite the contrary though, we care far too much. In my case it's been a problem as I get angry when people are hurt, taken advantage of, harmed in any way. I care about the whole world, which makes for some long days.

People know they can count on me. They know that I will likely be by their side through the most difficult of times. I will be supportive or I'll do the dirty work, whichever is necessary.


Don't tell me it's not tough...

Caring about people is the toughest thing you'll love to do. When you don't care is when the problem starts and life gets twisted.

The whole process of caring starts with the idea that we are important and that life is important. Well, it is and it isn't. In some ways the only thing that makes life tolerable is the love and kindness of others. I try to make sure to be kind whenever I can.

I enjoy being kind, it's really not a problem. People don't always care if I'm kind or not, but I put it out there, allow my enthusiasm, sense of humor, compassion, to be in the forefront.

I'm not kind because I have to be...

Some people pretend to be kind. They do it so that others will accept them, they try to avoid judgment, and they lose their whole life doing this.

Be kind because it's fun to be kind. It's nice to make someone smile. And it's infectious. Spread the kindness around.

When kindness doesn't work...

What happens when you're kind and caring, and others are the opposite? That's where we have to take into consideration the why of it all. Why did she do that? Why is he doing this? Well, if you're honest then you realize that everyone has problems and sometimes they cannot see beyond those problems to smile back at your happy ass.

And there are times when you SHOULD be bold and tell the truth above all else rather than"play" kind. Sometimes there are wake up calls other people should be hearing. This does not mean we are better or worse than anyone else. It simply means we have a vantage point to look at that someone may have blinded themselves to.

When I was young, yesterday, I thought I was the worst piece of shit on this planet. I assumed no one else could be as bad or ridiculous as I am. I still battle these feelings. But as I've gotten older I've had to put them aside and listen to the wisdom of the universe. It's ridiculous to think I'm the worst. And when you get in touch with the universe you too will realize how much we are the "best."

We are incredible, but then everything is incredible. I enjoy each moment. I'm amazed at it all.

You can't always be kind...

Sometimes kindness doesn't pan out and it's time to use other methods of getting your point across. In some cases where you see people drifting into negativity or they are being harmful, it's time to use bigger guns. We all have the ability to speak up and stand up for something.

We may not think we have the courage, but we do have it, and we can use it to make changes. If you believe you are strong enough to challenge those who are harmful, then you are. It's all that simple yet we don't see it that way.

The universe stands behind those with the courage to be strong, humble and kind. You will have back up from this creator in whatever you do when you follow these small steps. Expect miracles as they are here for the taking.

Create a great day...

For today, don't be afraid to be kind to those who need kindness. This could be anyone, your friend, loved one, co-worker, boss, neighbor, customer service rep, or whomever. And equally don't be afraid to tell someone the truth when they need to hear it.

The great things we can do and the excitement we can add to our lives when we actually live it, is amazing. Go forth and make this life something special. Laura Hart (creative type)

The last thing I wanted to do...so I did it!

Crawling under the house...

I thought I would never crawl under my house, I would hire someone, or remove the house first. But as we know Murphy's law always wins when you "NEVER" want to do something.

My dog Walter and I were working in the yard when we heard the hissing sound. "Shit," was my first reaction as I saw the water collecting underneath this old fucking house. I also did not want to deal with a plumber or some facsimile thereof. I've done plumbing and it's not rocket science.

So, a friend kind of motivated me to go under the house. It was more like, "do it" but it got me under there. I ended up crawling several times, slithering under the pipes, finding the leak.

Some crazy mutherfuckers did my plumbing, landscaping and everything to do with this money pit. It was an odd concoction I found under the house. I went ahead and replaced it or I would have had to replace the plumbing...which I will eventually.

It felt really good to do this. I say that without my usual sarcasm. I fixed the leak, and am now motivated to change the leaky faucets inside the house too!

Doing what needs to be done...

I am finding myself doing things I have not done in a very long time. I have loads of work, not including the daily maintenance which is my house, animals, and me, the slob. Picking up after myself is a full time job!

It's a new day with all new POTENTIAL meaning I can find something awesome in anything, at anytime. I resisted doing the plumbing due to the fact that I had to crawl under a dirty house, with God knows what underneath there. It was not so bad. It was fine in fact, which opens up the possibility for more work, and accomplishing things I had closed off with my thinking that I would not crawl under my house.

So, the message for the day would be: don't close off your thinking! I know that if I can crawl under my house, get the creepy crawly feeling too, then we all can open up doors and walk through them. I'm going to open doors today and see where I can find more possibility! Hope you knock on some doors too. Laura Hart (ready for more)

Stories of bi-polar past...

I had a twinge of guilt...

The morning following my decision to leave my friends out of town due to the fact they did not like the way I drive, I found myself feeling slightly guilty. I realize they were not going to budge about my driving and were seriously threatened by it. It's too bad for them that they could not relax and enjoy the type of driving I do.

My father and I did a tour from Arizona some years ago where we torched the highway. I mean we knew exactly how to use both cars to move people out of the way. My dad had to admit it was fun! His wife doesn't allow him to be close to the car in front of him. She would have lost her lunch if she saw what he and I did to the 91 freeway full of traffic.

We kicked some driving ass!

Many times I find myself with another driver who wants to fly with me. I've had some good and bad ones. One was so intense I actually lost control of my car. I was scared! LOL But I persisted and we raced through Riverside cutting each other off, but in a friendly way. Finally, after hours of this driving, we departed company with a wave to each other. It was awesome and I had a great time.

But I do know when to drive wicked and when not to. There are also things I have not admitted to in terms of my driving.

Hold onto to your hats!

My latest story involved allowing my friend to drive what is known as "blood alley." This is a windy road that requires passing in a leap frog manner as you don't get the vision due to tight turns and too much traffic. Had I done this part of the drive I would have scared the hell out of everyone.

What they did not know about my driving history was an incident on this road some years back where another car got ready to pass a big rig truck.

I was in one lane, minding my own business, when some asshole decides to pass the truck in front of him. He enters my lane and begins coming straight towards me. I suppose the best way to deal with it would have been to just pull over. NO, I had to challenge him.

We were on a collision course and I was so irritated by this fucked up driving move that I refused to give up the lane. We both refused to give up the lane and headed directly toward each other. They call it chicken, but you can't have any fear to do this.

At the last second we each moved "slightly" and did not collide. But we were in jeopardy as if he had not turned one direction and I another, we still could've crashed. As it was, it was a close call.


There again are no guarantees...

Just because I drive safe does not mean nothing will happen to me. Another story I thought of involves no responsibility on my part. It was indeed another head on collision which could have occurred, but I was innocent,so to speak.

In this scenario I was on the freeway late at night heading somewhere and in no big hurry either. At some point I take the off ramp and find myself facing a Mustang roaring towards me. This guy was obviously drunk or insane but I managed to avoid this horrible fate. I moved the car out of the way quickly because I have incredible reaction times.

I had no idea a drunk driver would be heading towards me and also ready to get on the freeway going the wrong direction. But again I survived because it was my fate to do so. There were no cell phones back then so I could not report this to the police. I don't know if anyone else got hurt by this wrong way driver that night, but it sure seemed like they would end up in trouble.


Drunk drivers survive...

Then again, remember drunk drivers somehow survive these horrendous wrecks they cause. How many reports have we heard about ten people killed but the drunk driver bounced off the car and remained alive. Amazing.

So, there are no guarantees in this world that you drive safely and you will be safe. My grandmother and her friend always followed the rules of the road. Then one night someone else didn't and hit them. This was a blind hit they did not see coming.

I drive the way I do when the time is right. I used to be so good at knowing when the cops were around too. I could feel the traffic react to their presence as long as I paid attention.

One of the best tips I can give to other drivers, no matter how they drive, is to always pay attention. Stay on the road trip and out of the food, cigarettes, and most certainly off your cell phone. If you have enough time you can get out of the way, but you need to be in the moment.

Even though I've just admitted to playing chicken with another car, which doesn't sound too good, I also have talent as a driver.

Once upon a time I was driving home in my neighborhood (they say accidents happen close to home) when I made a right turn only to find a car parked on the side of the road suddenly making a U turn in front of me. I would have hit him if I did not react immediately and made my own U turn.

We sat next to each other, me panting from the excitement, and this ass telling me to watch where I'm going. Again, other drivers will not see things your way. I narrowly missed an accident because I had the correct reaction and the in the moment experience to carry it out.

So, enjoy your drive and don't be scared, if it's your time, well then it's your time. Just stay in the moment and drive the way that makes you happy. And probably don't play chicken and you'll be fine. LOL

Laura Hart (the scary driver)

Finding out what happened...

My friend's tell me to leave it alone...

The fact is I cannot remember much of what happened last month which has left me "different." The amnesia bothers me as there are many days and even weeks I can't recall. This seems interesting to me that I have no recollection of the events which would put me at home three weeks later unable to use the microwave.

This was not the only odd event that ushered in the change of thinking that has taken place. I've had to face just about every notion I have and every fear that has ever crossed my mind. It has been intense to say the least. My days are like years the mornings all about the potential of every moment, each move I make or will make.

I can actually enjoy the totality of my experience without the drama. Everything has a wonder to it, be it a desirable experience, or even the bad experiences have the same merit. It's all in how we want to perceive these experiences.

 Not being able to remember the whole of the situation with the paramedics, police, hospital personnel, surrounding my recent incarceration as I cut doctor dope out of my life...all at once. They came, they took me, and I was gone. That is not enough for me. There are those who think I should let it go and it will come to me when I should know.


I've been all over the map...

I've skidded all over the map as my new perspective allows me some freedom of thought thereby creating interesting scenarios in my life. I must say it's been like starting over again. I've been born again on some level.

The outcome of this new perspective has been strange at best as most people are reacting in some way as I have been openly honest about most everything. I've been told this may not be my best approach, but it's my approach I feel most comfortable and happy about. There are more things I would never had said before and it's really lightening my load.

Friends are the first ones to notice the new perspective. They are also the first one's to reject it. Welcome to the grand illusion the one where we forget who we really are. We do this through other people. We get lost in them. Some people are aware of this state of being, and use it. Others are still caught in fear and can't quite get loose long enough to get the joke, the punchline.

Right now I love to eat...

I'm now over the mark, 115 used to be a normal weight, and in less than five weeks I have gained almost 20 pounds. It was tough, I had to eat everything...Awesome!

Tonight I departed the grocery store with a roll of chocolate chip cookie dough which I initially thought I would not eat uncooked due to the warning on the side of the fucking cookie mix. My cousin gave me a complete justification that since I eat eggs sunny side up it was even more dangerous than the cookie dough.

That was all I needed to hear. I bought the roll, chewed a hole in the plastic, and ate it on the way home. Awesome!

I am noticing that I have been craving foods I used to "think" I liked, now not so much. I used to like "Slurpees" but the artificial flavoring is bothering me. I have some sort of expression and feeling for food. I can't quite tell you why I have this, but I'm noticing the effect of the food on my body. This is part of the new experience.

Also new is my attitude...

After departing the drama of yesterday I went for a long walk with dog psychiatrist, Walter. We headed over to the lake and we began a long walk. I thought to myself how nice it is to walk alone as you don't have to keep pace with someone else. Either they are too slow, or too fast, and then there's a discussion. Walter simply kicked my ass running far ahead of me and turning or stopping to mock me with a few looks of superiority. Go Walter!

I laughed at the dog bastard envying his four legged trot but then he suffered not having shoes as thorns are a staple up here in the mountains. Ouch!

We were both tired and happy with our walk yesterday. Today I saw my new weight hanging on my legs but not muscle yet. So, I started cleaning my yard. The new agenda for today includes yard maintenance. I used to do this stuff, rake leaves, trim plants, why did I stop? I don't know but this will save me from hiring a local fuck head who will do a shit job, or at least not the great job I plan on doing.

It felt good to be doing. Once we stop doing we die. I must have died as I found my house to be unlivable when I returned from my "trip" recently. I did not know why I could not have done the things I am doing now. It reminds me of the first segment of the movie, "Limitless," where the main character looks over his home while intoxicated with a "smart drug" and questions, "who lives like this?"

I wonder myself...

Have a great day! Find a way to be a great person today. Embody the things that you consider "great" in other people. Try them out and see what you've got...Laura Hart (amnesiac but a great one)

Asshole Week!

Sometimes we are assholes...

whether you know it or like it, you are an asshole at some point. what drives you there is another story, but kindly don't think you are never an asshole. Otherwise you are a bigger asshole than the rest of us.

I guess I'm stuck on being an asshole for today and maybe most of yesterday or even the day before. Oh, yes, it's total asshole time. I'm in it for the real deal. I'm being and saying all the right things.

Good friends must press our asshole buttons so we can go there. My friends did that to me this morning with a simple request that I don't drive my own car...?


It started the other day...

So, what are friends for other than to be there to kill a good time. I excitedly took the wheel of my own car and drove my friend and her son out of town. Much to my dismay, as I was having quite the road trip, they were both petrified and even claim to have had a panic attack. All of this due to my driving.

I was irritated to say the least as the moves I made were memorable and the road seemed to clear just for my car. Awesome, I thought, not knowing my friends were freaking out.

Nagged, ragged and tagged, I let them take over on my least favorite part of the trip and as I told my friends we would be in a line of cars at some point and it would take two hours. It was meant to be as they never passed a car really. You must pass to get anywhere, in my opinion. Plus it's just more fun that way.

This lead to an exchange about my driving and finally to the morning we were leaving.


Good morning don't drive...

What the hell, was my response to the request that I don't drive us all home. Too dangerous and so forth were the excuses. I am telling you right now, no matter how much I am changing, I still don't like shit. If I had wanted us to die, we would have.

If you're afraid, don't forget there is NO SAFE PLACE! Jesus, we all need to understand it will come to us if we think we can hide. Me driving fast but alert, was in their minds a license to kill them, unnecessarily. Her driving slowly, hit by a fast driver, a drunk driver, whatever, that could happen, death by being safe.

I can't stop the fear, but I made a choice to leave them to get their own ride. What a great trip home with nobody to bitch about the driving and some grand moves on my part!

I asked...

Stopping by my friend's house to explain to her kids why I left their mother and brother behind seemed to go better than I expected. I simply asked what was I suppose to do? I had offered briefly to "get along" and just allow them to drive. They didn't hear me out and decided to get their own ride. Bye bye.

One of the kids seemed upset.

"What a dick!"

"What was I suppose to do?"

"You left my mom and my brother."

"They wouldn't let me drive my own car."

Then silence. So, we seemed to understand each other, I explained their brother was a pussy, and he had a panic attack, and that seemed to take care of the question of why I did what I did.

I'm not being an asshole to everyone. I reserve it for occasions such as this one. LOL

It's a new year...

Things have and continue to change for me. The new year randomly marks a new beginning for me and I guess everyone else. I have some plans to be better at being. If I think on it, I've been terrible at living. I now have a new perspective, not so much enjoyed by everyone else, but it's where this party gets started.

There comes a time in everyone's life...(I'll leave it at that.) Laura Hart