My friend's tell me to leave it alone...
The fact is I cannot remember much of what happened last month which has left me "different." The amnesia bothers me as there are many days and even weeks I can't recall. This seems interesting to me that I have no recollection of the events which would put me at home three weeks later unable to use the microwave.
This was not the only odd event that ushered in the change of thinking that has taken place. I've had to face just about every notion I have and every fear that has ever crossed my mind. It has been intense to say the least. My days are like years the mornings all about the potential of every moment, each move I make or will make.
I can actually enjoy the totality of my experience without the drama. Everything has a wonder to it, be it a desirable experience, or even the bad experiences have the same merit. It's all in how we want to perceive these experiences.
Not being able to remember the whole of the situation with the paramedics, police, hospital personnel, surrounding my recent incarceration as I cut doctor dope out of my life...all at once. They came, they took me, and I was gone. That is not enough for me. There are those who think I should let it go and it will come to me when I should know.
I've been all over the map...
I've skidded all over the map as my new perspective allows me some freedom of thought thereby creating interesting scenarios in my life. I must say it's been like starting over again. I've been born again on some level.
The outcome of this new perspective has been strange at best as most people are reacting in some way as I have been openly honest about most everything. I've been told this may not be my best approach, but it's my approach I feel most comfortable and happy about. There are more things I would never had said before and it's really lightening my load.
Friends are the first ones to notice the new perspective. They are also the first one's to reject it. Welcome to the grand illusion the one where we forget who we really are. We do this through other people. We get lost in them. Some people are aware of this state of being, and use it. Others are still caught in fear and can't quite get loose long enough to get the joke, the punchline.
Right now I love to eat...
I'm now over the mark, 115 used to be a normal weight, and in less than five weeks I have gained almost 20 pounds. It was tough, I had to eat everything...Awesome!
Tonight I departed the grocery store with a roll of chocolate chip cookie dough which I initially thought I would not eat uncooked due to the warning on the side of the fucking cookie mix. My cousin gave me a complete justification that since I eat eggs sunny side up it was even more dangerous than the cookie dough.
That was all I needed to hear. I bought the roll, chewed a hole in the plastic, and ate it on the way home. Awesome!
I am noticing that I have been craving foods I used to "think" I liked, now not so much. I used to like "Slurpees" but the artificial flavoring is bothering me. I have some sort of expression and feeling for food. I can't quite tell you why I have this, but I'm noticing the effect of the food on my body. This is part of the new experience.
Also new is my attitude...
After departing the drama of yesterday I went for a long walk with dog psychiatrist, Walter. We headed over to the lake and we began a long walk. I thought to myself how nice it is to walk alone as you don't have to keep pace with someone else. Either they are too slow, or too fast, and then there's a discussion. Walter simply kicked my ass running far ahead of me and turning or stopping to mock me with a few looks of superiority. Go Walter!
I laughed at the dog bastard envying his four legged trot but then he suffered not having shoes as thorns are a staple up here in the mountains. Ouch!
We were both tired and happy with our walk yesterday. Today I saw my new weight hanging on my legs but not muscle yet. So, I started cleaning my yard. The new agenda for today includes yard maintenance. I used to do this stuff, rake leaves, trim plants, why did I stop? I don't know but this will save me from hiring a local fuck head who will do a shit job, or at least not the great job I plan on doing.
It felt good to be doing. Once we stop doing we die. I must have died as I found my house to be unlivable when I returned from my "trip" recently. I did not know why I could not have done the things I am doing now. It reminds me of the first segment of the movie, "Limitless," where the main character looks over his home while intoxicated with a "smart drug" and questions, "who lives like this?"
I wonder myself...
Have a great day! Find a way to be a great person today. Embody the things that you consider "great" in other people. Try them out and see what you've got...Laura Hart (amnesiac but a great one)
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