Monday, January 9, 2012

Zen and the art of bi-polar

Keeping it real...

Knowing that my bi-polar chemistry has great potential for misuse, LOL, as with any other drug or chemical that alters your thinking, you must be aware of what is happening at all times.

I know I've drifted in and out of depression a few times in the last two weeks. There was a low then a gradual rise in energy to meet the day. I did not stay in the low, I was aware of it, saw the cause then removed the problem.

Each time I encounter a problem it becomes an immediate issue to remove it so I can enjoy myself. I choose not to become involved in each and every mood swing. And I choose to be happy in this moment. I'm also well aware I have no other moments, but right fucking now! That simplifies things for me...

Thank God for stretch denim...

I've noticed that everyone has an eating disorder of some sort. At first I thought it was me, but NOOOO all of us has one of these eating disorder thingies.

I get the fun disorder where you eat and everyone cheers you on! I'm too skinny, doesn't that suck?

As I pointed out at our NA meeting the other night, if I were fat and had bought a roll of cookie dough- tore the package open with my teeth- squeezed the dough out a hole as I drove home- someone would not have thought it was so cute. But that was me a week ago. 

These are the unfortunate and sad realities of judgmental thinking. I happen to be underweight-or I used to be-now my stomach hangs out further than my boobs or butt! That's where stretch denim is both handy and comfortable.

Everyone has a weight issue, so we need to put it aside long enough to enjoy life! 

Still underweight according to US statistics...

It would be difficult to continue this kind of eating binge. Every two hours it's food, food, food. At night I can't sleep with out food. But I could still use more weight for my height! Likely, this binge will end on its own and I will adopt new habits.

I can feel the food whether it reacts to the needs of my body. There seems to be a way to know "how to eat." This is part of my mission.

Right now, it's me as a child, eating whatever crap I remember as good. Hot tamales, the candy not the Mexican dish, happen to be a favorite for moments of anxiety. I like the jelly bean like candy sticking to my teeth. I know that must be wrong somehow, but I do! I love it!

I think I'll mellow out on the food as soon as I satisfy this beast within. I'll write, "Feed me Seymour" on this growth I used to call my abs!

I guess we will see what weight is best. I have bigger plans for me than just weight gain. I plan on making this body work like a top...for it's age anyway.

Suspend your judgment...

Now that I've told you that everyone has an eating disorder are you going to watch how you eat? What if you find yourself thinking you may just have an eating problem? That's your new mission to figure out the problem then fucking get rid of it. Not that easy when it comes to food.

Question yourself: "how does this food make me feel?" The whole point is we truly do react to our food. And not just the content of the food. Also the preparation. Was it really made with love? Or did a pubescent throw it together on a grill? Taking care of our food does make it better!

Today we all endeavor to know how we are eating and what it is doing to us. Whether we think we're heavy, underweight, slim, bulky, droopy, phat, robust, humungous, misshapen-(you get the message)-we can agree that our disorder needs balance. The key to all bi-polar is balance. Start there. Have a great day! Laura Hart (hungry)

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