I have an appointment next week with a doctor and a CEO, who I'm sure will love to have to collect all my records from 2003 to 2009 so we can discuss the health situation I am in.
Sometimes I find myself mumbling, "give me my thyroid back" and I catch myself knowing there's nothing I can do about it now.
Except, there is something I can do and that is make them figure this out for me. I can't take the synthetic or compounded thyroid supplement,and it has caused some of the worst depression I've had to deal with.
Admittedly, there's still the withdrawl from the pain killers for my neck and the overall pain break outs, but I know there is something wrong.
It's not going to be pretty next week, and I'm sure they know. But there is plenty they don't know which will make this even more interesting.
There has been a change in my life and I wish my health would catch up with it, but it's not exactly that simple. I pray to the creator daily asking for help and direction. I watch for the signals and they are always there. It's just that there is more to do than I feel I can get done. But i don't stop, and nobody should.
If you are on a path, the one with heart, according to Castaneda, it's always a good path. I know that now, though my progress has been slowed, and my lessons are pretty tough and very painful, there is little outside influence which can stop me.
But the inner workings, the body chemistry being so susceptible to being thrown off, I worry sometimes. And then there's a thing called depression.
Depression is like gangrene, it eats at good flesh killing it with it's negativity. I've had to watch my mind throw all sorts of things in the road at me. Why I kept asking would I want to harm myself?
I realize I'm not perfect, nor would I want to try to be. I know I'm just a beginner in life, learning to follow my heart and certainty. So far, I like the results.
Yeah, I've taken it step by step all thru my life, being hit each step of the way. I am assuming that in some way I picked up the negative feelings of my family and others which I internalized into my own thinking: I'm not worthy.
We all have to feel worthy. As I've worked with different people different ages on creative projects, I've seen people who cannot even show you their work or anyone else. They hate everything about their work and themselves.
With my short fuse I'm not the greatest teacher, a much better doer, but I have seen how my attitude effects them.
Some have no problems with some criticism, while others have moved from the valley based on what I've said about their work.
They can't write as fast as me, they can't think of topics, they have one excuse after another to get things written. And when i see their disappointment in themselves, I do understand.
I have those same feelings, but I keep pushing past them as I know where I want to go.
But when I get the weight of my insecurity, my depression, my dislike for what I could of should of done in my life, I struggle. People around me get nervous that I may harm myself. But they also see that I am driven, and won't stop. I can't let anything or anyone get in my way at this juncture, so I don't.
It has caused some pain, but my friends are not out of touch with who I am. I'm their friend and they can count on me, whether or not they agree with me, or agree with my attitude. What i do is for us all though, not simply for me. It's the work I enjoy, it's outrunning fear to finish a goal, and it's about learning to enjoy the journey.
If it doesn't come to you at once, don't worry, keep your eyes set on what you want and it will happen. Creativity is an exercise, keep writing, painting, drawing, imagining, and you will draw the poison that stopped you from stretching out your life, and fill your heart with clean, pure, thoughts to transfer into magic.
Depression is not a struggle or you lose. I've been watching it ooze out my pours as each day has brought me a new lesson. I don't believe in negativity, it's not necessary for any of us.
Writers and artists are wonderfully sensitive, funny, people, and I thank everyone for their input, their pats on the back, and mostly for hanging with me. Now, let's get going here, it's getting fun....