...and I told them it would be rather ridiculous to want to quit something by having to either use the very same chemicals in an expensive rectangular patch, or the gum, or now a pill which alters the chemicals in the brain, thus producing a reduction in the "cravings."
Yeah, whatever. I threw the damn things away and didn't think about them again.
I happen to think that on other levels I am healing myself which are making things come together physically for me right now.
Sometimes there is good news.
I've made it to a level of success I didn't think could happen after three years, I've weighed in at at 106 pounds. I was amazed and elated to say the least when I found out the other day.
After dropping to an all time low of 72 pounds this year after surgery, I couldn't help but think nothing was going to stop this wasting away. Then for a few months I managed to get to 90 pounds where I stayed for half of last year.
But now, I'm at a level I may push on some more: How about 110 pounds, I'm 5'6" I could handle it.
I'm sure I will continue doing the irritating thing I have been doing which is asking everyone who sees me if I "look" like I gained weight. Finally, I feel it.
And as I have been studying, researching, and creating day after day, my brother, from the post above, has managed almost three weeks of sobriety.
I like the good news.
Nobody was feeling bad for him and all we could do was encourage him to use some strength and a little common sense.
He apparently has realized that there's nothing out there that's going to save him from his torment and fear that drives him to drink: so he's going to face it.
I can hear his voice is uncertain, but that will change as he continues to get up each day and serve the world, and not expect the world to serve us.
He has a strong heart and a strong will, and we are all praying that he uses them, because we are not going to be spectators watching someone intentionally hurt themselves.
That's another blog, don't hurt yourself, and you younger bi polar's need to understand this. We are all going to face a world where I hate to give you the bad news, but not everyone is going to like us. Oh, no, it's sad.
In fact if they did, it would be bad and the desire to be liked is a failed endeavour from the start.
It needs to be made clear in the young minds, that nobody is better than you and you in turn are no better than anyone else. By avoiding the struggle of wondering if you're good enough, or even real bad and tough, you keep yourself out of the lie.
You can never be better. And nobody can ever be better than you.
Yes, some can cook better. Children play guitar better than I do, but I enjoy plucking the strings once in a while.
One more thing, this post could be said it's about addiction, as smoking and alcohol are seen to be the adversaries of our story, but it's not them.
It's us. We hide in many ways, just hide your eyes and count to ten, then go find your hiding places.
Update: As this blog has become a personal arena and not well defined, I am taking down some blogs and putting together a whole new set of blogs, which will, if successful turn into one website. But for now these will be for testing.
Currently, the Tales of the Kern River Valley will have a new round of pictures and stories, but there is more to come there.
Since there is this personal element, I will change the dynamic here on bi-polar, and seperate into another blog shortly.
That blog will be more personal to me. And I'll rearrange this blog along with some other bipolar contributors.
But other sites that are coming are just ideas poking out of the clouds as I keep my eyes on the sky, the cloudy and sunny days. Some will be unbelievable, others will make people angry and finally I hope to make people uncomfortable.
My ideas are to meld artistic principles together, the written word, color, texture, sound, silence, music, pictures, art, violence and conflict, disorder. All fun stuff. You will see it soon, it's baking at 450 right now....