A week ago I could hardly speak, my mind had drifted off into the land of the lost. My condition had deteriorated to that point and it was quite unpleasant to say the least.
My chemistry again my nemesis and finally today, I felt a fog lift, only to see to my horror, that there is trouble everywhere. I'm surrounded. But I saw something else too.
The day was a strange one as I came out of my stupor. I feel a little like I've been gone for a time. I also sense that I had some issues to deal with that manifested into my health. (that's another blog. How my thinking, and I suppose it would be safe to say everyone's thinking, and our self perception creates illness and or health)
After speaking with my doctor who told me the endocrine system is responsible for all my hormones basically, and that it could take months to straighten out the thyroid while stopping the methadone painkillers.
But you know he didn't say it ominously, he said that rather matter of factly, which disturbs me a bit.
Only in the sense that my life has become a series of rounds of trying to catch myself before I fall, as my chemistry launches itself all over the place.
However, what he said was so non-judgmental and just the new facts of my life, I could hardly be saddened or angry for that matter.
So many others have used this against me, which is a theme I am exploring in the third book of the Chronicles of the bi-polar Reporter. I have to get this book done and I hope this upswing takes hold so I can begin to speed up my work. And clean it up too.
But today the other thing I saw is my destiny, it's not far away the mark I wanted to make, the goal to conquer. What I mean by that are the defining moments in our lives, the ones that make it real and special.
If we continue to define ourselves or describe ourselves by all the slights we have suffered in our lives, we will continue to be the little toe on the end of the foot all twisted and it keeps getting caught on the furniture. Ouch.
This is a special day and it defines me. Click. Save.
Even the struggle of the chemistry, the bipolar, the dark depression, are important aspects as much I realize the night is as important as the day. Different, but equally important.
A couple months ago I said something harsh to a friend of mine which made her cry. I didn't know at the time that it had effected her like that. I was just made aware of this today.
I offered no excuses for my behavior, as I'm the responsible one. But out of this sharp remark, the pain, the apology, has come the most amazing thing, everyone will soon hear about. Just not yet. And an amazing person doing amazing things which stokes my fire that I can get back up and follow my path, bi-polar or whatever.
And the last several months of being twisted from the medication changes were so strong that I was not sure I would live and could not even project myself into the future. Death and I guess serious lethargy got in the way of my visions.
I saw it today, the day I woke up. I've been sleep walking for a while, not realizing it. I'm awake now and I guess I follow the path to see where it goes...