Always on my mind...
After being tossed from a church due to my discussion of sins of the flesh and how cool it is, I am now interested in enjoying these damn sins. And I'm finally ready to rock and roll!
Sex has been part of my background since I was too young to remember. Yes, it was traumatic at the least to be a small child hopelessly engaged in this practice, but I did grow up and do have a desire to find what it is I need.
Out on this horizon there is "straight" and "gay" sex which makes me kind of befuddled as I simply "LIKE SEX" and don't really care what kind. I mean there are limitations for me, but some people are creepy, crazy and like it weird. I won't judge them until I've been in or out of their shoes...LOL
But the best part of this is that I get to decide who and what I want in terms of sex. I get miserable with people who don't know how to enjoy it. So sad! I know that I enjoy the hell out of it, and wish others would not take the "sexy" out of sex.
How to ruin sex...
There are those who are miserable, they think sex is wrong, some sex is okay, they fake it, they pretend to be into it, they are the people who have ruined sex. It should and can be a lot of fun.
First, there should be discussion, talking, not the fake stuff, but real "I want this, what do you want" kind of questions. I always go overboard and like to make all the moves. I can get the party started and know what kind of sex it will be.
There are two kinds of sex, good and better. The best kind involves the real deal, being there while thinking of the person you are with. The second is when someone is caught up in their woes and sex is an outlet to hurt someone, or for some other reason than enjoyment. Shit, either way it can be fun!
Even if the person you are with is there to hurt another, then make it good so it does hurt!
Dirty people...
I love people who find themselves sexually...while they are with me! Sometimes it takes a bit of doing, but most people given the chance, enjoy the intimacy of sex. It's a great outlet for anger too! If you're angry with someone there's nothing like sex to take the edge off.
People who have been repressed all their life are my favorites. This means they can let it loose, have the time of their lives, if they are given the opportunity. I do like to give opportunities.
So, I have fantasies too. And sometimes they are plain dirty so I need that someone or two special people to help me play it out! Oh, hell, three is company too. LOL
Let the fun begin!
I'm heading out on a trip to enjoy the "sins of the flesh" as the church folks call it. Now most of them are avoiding it. HELL NO, I'm looking forward to it. I happen to be a veteran of the sin of sex, so it will be interesting to see what I wind up with this holiday weekend.
Over 30, that is where I put the limit. I may lower my standards for the weekend, and say, "anything within the law!" Who cares it will be fun.
Hope you have fun this weekend. If you decide to do it, do it well! If it's crummy, make sure to laugh about it. And if you wake up with a stranger...hope they have a car and money for breakfast! Laura Hart (sinner)
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Feeling like a million bucks!
What are limitations?
I have only recently thought about why the people around me want to limit my desires and dreams...why, because that is what people do. We put limits on ourselves constantly, making us miserable and unable to get the things we could have.
I've enjoyed the hell out of food this week! Geez, I've eaten more than any fat person I know. I also have barely gained a fucking pound. I went out and walked yesterday, it was too cold for a really good walk, but I had to do something about all the food. Walking is great, it would be even more awesome if the temperature would stay above fucking 30 degrees!
Now I've slept like a baby, eaten like a baby, and have a big goal of doing more. I get people who want me to stop enjoying myself, which I am doing. They don't bother me much anymore. As I pray and sleep I get information of the world I live in.
Even though I seem to be moving rather quickly, attacking all my weaknesses, I still have a desire to be part of the world around me. I allowed my life to get boring and I allowed others to control me, now I realize I have the control I always thought I should have.
Take time to look at it all...
If you're confused as I have been, it's time to look at the whole picture. What can be done that no one else is even considering could happen? You have all the power you need to make things happen for yourself, the same as I do for me.
Are you using it? Well, I'm going to be using it for all it's worth! That is the fun of this life, the one we all come charging back to create over and over again. Talking to the religious who hide behind their bibles will not bring the joy you so desire. Enjoying every minute, every person, every story, etc., will bring the results of happiness.
I'm way too happy as each moment brings new sensations...There are those who want me to stop the happiness and get into the misery, but I'm not willing. I happen to enjoy the happy and may want to be miserable "another time."
There is one rule to this life and that is you only have "right now!" Enjoy it! Take care, Laura Hart
I have only recently thought about why the people around me want to limit my desires and dreams...why, because that is what people do. We put limits on ourselves constantly, making us miserable and unable to get the things we could have.
I've enjoyed the hell out of food this week! Geez, I've eaten more than any fat person I know. I also have barely gained a fucking pound. I went out and walked yesterday, it was too cold for a really good walk, but I had to do something about all the food. Walking is great, it would be even more awesome if the temperature would stay above fucking 30 degrees!
Now I've slept like a baby, eaten like a baby, and have a big goal of doing more. I get people who want me to stop enjoying myself, which I am doing. They don't bother me much anymore. As I pray and sleep I get information of the world I live in.
Even though I seem to be moving rather quickly, attacking all my weaknesses, I still have a desire to be part of the world around me. I allowed my life to get boring and I allowed others to control me, now I realize I have the control I always thought I should have.
Take time to look at it all...
If you're confused as I have been, it's time to look at the whole picture. What can be done that no one else is even considering could happen? You have all the power you need to make things happen for yourself, the same as I do for me.
Are you using it? Well, I'm going to be using it for all it's worth! That is the fun of this life, the one we all come charging back to create over and over again. Talking to the religious who hide behind their bibles will not bring the joy you so desire. Enjoying every minute, every person, every story, etc., will bring the results of happiness.
I'm way too happy as each moment brings new sensations...There are those who want me to stop the happiness and get into the misery, but I'm not willing. I happen to enjoy the happy and may want to be miserable "another time."
There is one rule to this life and that is you only have "right now!" Enjoy it! Take care, Laura Hart
Monday, December 26, 2011
The day after Christmas...
Laughing at it all...
I woke up in pain, as usual, but I have yet to "go mad" as my friend suggested. It was a good pain, one where I know I had been out and had fun. Taking the day off was not to be, as there are too many things piled up here to do.
One thing I started was my on going war with Microsoft, the bastards who allow people to subscribe to the worst, most viral, internet service available. And they cannot support it or fix it. I've paid for years now, and they did nothing. Now, I will write to the corporate office telling them of my nightmare and "kindly" asking for a refund. Otherwise, Microsoft will end up being railed against on the blog.
I'm sure they are quaking in their boots already. LOL
It's time for a change...
I met a woman at the store a few nights ago and we chatted for a bit. When I went to my car she was parked next to me. She came up to the window and I told her about my life "here in this valley," the craziness, the hospital, the people who turned their backs on me. Without much ado, and a promise to write my star chart, she told me, "you were not supposed to be here."
I suddenly understood. I had committed to being somewhere else, and due to whatever circumstances, that future did not happen. My sister reminded me of the letter that changed my mind and then my temper roared out of control. Though my sister is not aware of everything she made a point that there was a reason I had blasted off that year. But it also changed my future.
Maybe it was then...
Since I cannot undo what happened, and the other party involved does not want to take her own responsibility, then there's no reason that I cannot create another future. There are tons of them waiting, I need only "go there." I had decided to wait and see what would happen, as there has always been a "something" about this relationship.
But I have no choice and moving on is the now. I can enjoy myself and I do each day. The saddest part of this happens to be the fear and the old energy which muddled up something that should have been special. And I would not be here now, I would be in another future, which only was...
The beach is calling me...
My cousin's have both spoken! Do something nice for yourself and that means getting out of this town. There are still so many details, but I am half way there my friends! It's now a matter of when and where, but I'm ready to take the leap. I miss it but I also miss me.
This is part of me healing me and having the guts to enjoy my life...no matter what! I will enjoy everything whatever the situation, or just beat my dog, cat and bird, if things don't go my way...LOL
There is definitely something calling me and I must answer. I am NOT saying that the hospital need not worry, as I may return at some point to hit them with my stick! I may not want to fight again, who the hell knows. The great healing I'm receiving from the universe right now offers no guarantees, but it offers promise that there is something for me out there.
Final thoughts...
Find your center, latch onto the higher purpose of your life, and watch out! Take your place in the world, wherever you were MEANT TO BE! That is something I have to learn that it's not about me, it's about what is meant FOR ME. I'll continue to follow the beat of the universe and each moment I live, breath, and walk this earth, is fun, fun, fun...Where are you supposed to be? Laura Hart (the enthusiastic one)
I woke up in pain, as usual, but I have yet to "go mad" as my friend suggested. It was a good pain, one where I know I had been out and had fun. Taking the day off was not to be, as there are too many things piled up here to do.
One thing I started was my on going war with Microsoft, the bastards who allow people to subscribe to the worst, most viral, internet service available. And they cannot support it or fix it. I've paid for years now, and they did nothing. Now, I will write to the corporate office telling them of my nightmare and "kindly" asking for a refund. Otherwise, Microsoft will end up being railed against on the blog.
I'm sure they are quaking in their boots already. LOL
It's time for a change...
I met a woman at the store a few nights ago and we chatted for a bit. When I went to my car she was parked next to me. She came up to the window and I told her about my life "here in this valley," the craziness, the hospital, the people who turned their backs on me. Without much ado, and a promise to write my star chart, she told me, "you were not supposed to be here."
I suddenly understood. I had committed to being somewhere else, and due to whatever circumstances, that future did not happen. My sister reminded me of the letter that changed my mind and then my temper roared out of control. Though my sister is not aware of everything she made a point that there was a reason I had blasted off that year. But it also changed my future.
Maybe it was then...
Since I cannot undo what happened, and the other party involved does not want to take her own responsibility, then there's no reason that I cannot create another future. There are tons of them waiting, I need only "go there." I had decided to wait and see what would happen, as there has always been a "something" about this relationship.
But I have no choice and moving on is the now. I can enjoy myself and I do each day. The saddest part of this happens to be the fear and the old energy which muddled up something that should have been special. And I would not be here now, I would be in another future, which only was...
The beach is calling me...
My cousin's have both spoken! Do something nice for yourself and that means getting out of this town. There are still so many details, but I am half way there my friends! It's now a matter of when and where, but I'm ready to take the leap. I miss it but I also miss me.
This is part of me healing me and having the guts to enjoy my life...no matter what! I will enjoy everything whatever the situation, or just beat my dog, cat and bird, if things don't go my way...LOL
There is definitely something calling me and I must answer. I am NOT saying that the hospital need not worry, as I may return at some point to hit them with my stick! I may not want to fight again, who the hell knows. The great healing I'm receiving from the universe right now offers no guarantees, but it offers promise that there is something for me out there.
Final thoughts...
Find your center, latch onto the higher purpose of your life, and watch out! Take your place in the world, wherever you were MEANT TO BE! That is something I have to learn that it's not about me, it's about what is meant FOR ME. I'll continue to follow the beat of the universe and each moment I live, breath, and walk this earth, is fun, fun, fun...Where are you supposed to be? Laura Hart (the enthusiastic one)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The best Christmas yet!
What a great time!
I woke up and now it's going to be some fun from here as Christmas, spoiled for so long, makes me smile! I enjoyed the hell out of it.
The three kids who were with me at the hospital board meeting which launched my anger last year, as they could see right through the administrators and board members, were the highlight for me last night. God, we watched movies, a funny comedienne, then suddenly realized we were out of food at midnight.
We jumped up, grabbed our stuff, and headed out in search of food. The Von's supermarket was our first target but they had closed. We banged on the windows only to find they were closed three hours prior.
Quickly, we jumped back in the car and found only the Shell gas station, still open, but on the brink of closing. A nice clerk let us come in and grab a bunch of junk, but I wanted fucking FOOD!
We headed back to the car and drove all the way to my house and grabbed hot wings! It was not to be, the food sucked, but we had a good time. I'm sick of sugary foods and my teeth actually fucking hurt. This must stop...but then there's pecan pie calling my name. (shit it's worse than fucking crack!)
Xmas morning...
Kids will be kids, and I knew that in the morning the youngest would want to get up, open presents, and I was right. I had gotten up early as the couch was not all that comfortable for an insomniac who can't sleep on a pillow top mattress. And the "hairless dog" slept with me, he was goddam hotter than a charcoal!
I woke up and cleaned the kitchen for my friend so they could get in there and enjoy the food. But the kids were excited and I looked on as they opened presents, some disappointed, others happy. Oh well!
Then Walter, my Boxer, and I headed home for a nice long nap. Walter was tired as he had to attack the kids as they played their Kazoo's! He enjoys the kids, the attention, the action: I can't blame him.
We slept until we were hungry again!
Walter and I awoke to each other, hungry again! Jesus, how could I consume this abnormal amount of food? It was easy, I kept going and going, and chewing and chewing...Awesome.
We headed to the party at AA and found a ton of food there. It was beautiful and the people were great. I met some people I had known but got to know them in a different way. We had been adversaries and now we are not. At least I am not.
Getting rid of anger has helped me immensely. Not to say that anger doesn't happen, it does. But I'm not into KEEPING it! That would be the difference. I have it, expel it, then move on. There are still some resentments, but little by little, I chip away at it all. Daily there are challenges, but each time I LET GO and LET GOD, something magical happens.
My friend from NA...
After eating up a storm and some friendly chatting with the NA folks, I carried on and realized I wanted another nap. Walter and I took our second nap, and we were so comfortable we were late to meet my angel and her family. I quickly called and apologized, she kept the kitchen open for me so I could consume more fucking food. GEEZ!
I went over and we enjoyed more food, after being attacked by her dog friends. Her dog thought that I was not a good person or something else, who knows, and bit my foot and hand so I quickly backed out of the gate. She had to put the dog away before it ate me!
What a nice dinner in a lovely house full of great people. I really enjoyed our talk, and Claudia, again, had pertinent and relevant information for me...she always does! The food was awesome too!
Heading to the new baby!
Off I went to my brother's place where I would meet my new nephew of five days. Actually, it seems like more than that as my days are like years or something! The baby is beautiful, and I enjoyed petting him like a kitten or something.
He got up and gave us some hell and cried fiercely. My brother's gal, as they are not married yet, did a great job, but she's stuck with the idea the baby shouldn't cry. When Aunt Laura held him I told the cute thing he could and should cry! Go baby! I mean what else can they do at this stage?
So, I spent an hour there as the baby showed us how strong he is holding that head up already. He is named after my brother but really looks more like his mother. They have new challenges such as circumcision and how to handle the crying, coming up! My friend offered to sit for them, but I will wait as I have so much to do for me right now. I do love the baby and welcome him to the family...of bi-polars!
My new friend's family is NORMAL?
I spoke with a new friend of mine who is great, but has some interesting ideas about life. He told me he had a normal family. OMG, what does that mean? I told him he's met someone who is hardly normal, and would not even understand what he meant.
What is normal? A ruse that's what. I asked what he meant, and he said, "we don't have drama and so forth." Then someone is lying to someone, as everyone has issues, and everyone is knee deep in their own stuff. So, I don't know how to handle someone who thinks they are normal. It should be interesting as I'm far off center!
Great time now the new year...
Now comes the new year and I am planning some new activities for this year. The things I have not done, I'm going to do. I can't say all that I will do, but it will be awesome! There are relatives who want to see me and I miss them terribly. So, a trip is in order soon! I love to drive...it will be fun!
I've got a better idea of what I want but will defer to the universe as "I want" is a terrible place...who wants to want? I will fulfill my role in this world would be a better description.
Thought for today: this IS a stage and we are all merely players. You don't have to take things so seriously, relax and enjoy the ride. Good luck! Laura Hart (happy, happy)
I woke up and now it's going to be some fun from here as Christmas, spoiled for so long, makes me smile! I enjoyed the hell out of it.
The three kids who were with me at the hospital board meeting which launched my anger last year, as they could see right through the administrators and board members, were the highlight for me last night. God, we watched movies, a funny comedienne, then suddenly realized we were out of food at midnight.
We jumped up, grabbed our stuff, and headed out in search of food. The Von's supermarket was our first target but they had closed. We banged on the windows only to find they were closed three hours prior.
Quickly, we jumped back in the car and found only the Shell gas station, still open, but on the brink of closing. A nice clerk let us come in and grab a bunch of junk, but I wanted fucking FOOD!
We headed back to the car and drove all the way to my house and grabbed hot wings! It was not to be, the food sucked, but we had a good time. I'm sick of sugary foods and my teeth actually fucking hurt. This must stop...but then there's pecan pie calling my name. (shit it's worse than fucking crack!)
Xmas morning...
Kids will be kids, and I knew that in the morning the youngest would want to get up, open presents, and I was right. I had gotten up early as the couch was not all that comfortable for an insomniac who can't sleep on a pillow top mattress. And the "hairless dog" slept with me, he was goddam hotter than a charcoal!
I woke up and cleaned the kitchen for my friend so they could get in there and enjoy the food. But the kids were excited and I looked on as they opened presents, some disappointed, others happy. Oh well!
Then Walter, my Boxer, and I headed home for a nice long nap. Walter was tired as he had to attack the kids as they played their Kazoo's! He enjoys the kids, the attention, the action: I can't blame him.
We slept until we were hungry again!
Walter and I awoke to each other, hungry again! Jesus, how could I consume this abnormal amount of food? It was easy, I kept going and going, and chewing and chewing...Awesome.
We headed to the party at AA and found a ton of food there. It was beautiful and the people were great. I met some people I had known but got to know them in a different way. We had been adversaries and now we are not. At least I am not.
Getting rid of anger has helped me immensely. Not to say that anger doesn't happen, it does. But I'm not into KEEPING it! That would be the difference. I have it, expel it, then move on. There are still some resentments, but little by little, I chip away at it all. Daily there are challenges, but each time I LET GO and LET GOD, something magical happens.
My friend from NA...
After eating up a storm and some friendly chatting with the NA folks, I carried on and realized I wanted another nap. Walter and I took our second nap, and we were so comfortable we were late to meet my angel and her family. I quickly called and apologized, she kept the kitchen open for me so I could consume more fucking food. GEEZ!
I went over and we enjoyed more food, after being attacked by her dog friends. Her dog thought that I was not a good person or something else, who knows, and bit my foot and hand so I quickly backed out of the gate. She had to put the dog away before it ate me!
What a nice dinner in a lovely house full of great people. I really enjoyed our talk, and Claudia, again, had pertinent and relevant information for me...she always does! The food was awesome too!
Heading to the new baby!
Off I went to my brother's place where I would meet my new nephew of five days. Actually, it seems like more than that as my days are like years or something! The baby is beautiful, and I enjoyed petting him like a kitten or something.
He got up and gave us some hell and cried fiercely. My brother's gal, as they are not married yet, did a great job, but she's stuck with the idea the baby shouldn't cry. When Aunt Laura held him I told the cute thing he could and should cry! Go baby! I mean what else can they do at this stage?
So, I spent an hour there as the baby showed us how strong he is holding that head up already. He is named after my brother but really looks more like his mother. They have new challenges such as circumcision and how to handle the crying, coming up! My friend offered to sit for them, but I will wait as I have so much to do for me right now. I do love the baby and welcome him to the family...of bi-polars!
My new friend's family is NORMAL?
I spoke with a new friend of mine who is great, but has some interesting ideas about life. He told me he had a normal family. OMG, what does that mean? I told him he's met someone who is hardly normal, and would not even understand what he meant.
What is normal? A ruse that's what. I asked what he meant, and he said, "we don't have drama and so forth." Then someone is lying to someone, as everyone has issues, and everyone is knee deep in their own stuff. So, I don't know how to handle someone who thinks they are normal. It should be interesting as I'm far off center!
Great time now the new year...
Now comes the new year and I am planning some new activities for this year. The things I have not done, I'm going to do. I can't say all that I will do, but it will be awesome! There are relatives who want to see me and I miss them terribly. So, a trip is in order soon! I love to drive...it will be fun!
I've got a better idea of what I want but will defer to the universe as "I want" is a terrible place...who wants to want? I will fulfill my role in this world would be a better description.
Thought for today: this IS a stage and we are all merely players. You don't have to take things so seriously, relax and enjoy the ride. Good luck! Laura Hart (happy, happy)
Friday, December 23, 2011
Where do I even fucking start this post?
What a great meeting...
I suppose I could start with our NA meeting last night. I guess I'm not doing the steps properly according to some people who are sticklers for the program. However, I'm comfortable with my commitment and I promised that if I did use I would come back anyway! But they don't realize I have something far greater than drugs now, so it's not a big deal. (not that I'm better than anyone as my friend suggested yesterday)
Instead of reading from our NA books, we shared about Christmas past. OMG, the stories were incredible. I got to know each person on a level I could not imagine. I wanted to cry and heal them all! I completely understood their pain and why they would use drugs or alcohol or demented thinking.
Out of control healer...
Then I realized that my heart contains such great compassion that I would swoop in and take all their pain and likely die in the process. I cannot do that I have to wait and be asked. And then I cannot take the pain into myself it's too big and too much. More so I can tell people how to release their own pain.
Just before I was thrown out out of the Pentecostal church the other night, for telling the minister's wife that sex is good, flesh is awesome, and we are reincarnated, I asked an elder of the church, "what miracles have you witnessed."
He was stymied, he could hardly come up with anything. Well, I'm here to say if you're in God's realm, MIRACLES ARE EVERYWHERE! So, if you are walking in truth and compassion you shall not want. You shall have everything you desire and more. God wants you to be happy. If misery makes you content, God will dish it up!
If you like to feel guilty, want a disease to show everyone, want to survive a disaster, God will provide it. You need to know that God already forgives you, that it's OUR PROBLEM TO FORGIVE OURSELVES! We often don't do it, I only recently forgave myself for everything, and also everybody who has ever hurt me.
What a fucking relief! I carried this shit around for most of my life and boy was I an angry person. I truthfully really don't care about it.
The nights are still long...
We have repeatedly discussed my sleep issues, today I realize that I am working through issues at night, and the pain, the sweating, the feeling of fire, is me, not an "eternal punishment." I have learned so much from my dreams. I see potential future issues, and I pray like HELL. OMG, I woke up and thought of all the great evil in the world.
How do I reconcile this evil with my spirit who wants us all to be awesome and free? It was not easy and it was scary. The Nazi's, the soldiers tortured, starving children and animals, Charles Manson: JESUS! Then I realized if I started to heal stuff like that, the way I used to, I would be dead by morning! LOL
There are heroes like Victor Frankl, who lived through the most horrendous things and we spoke of how he found the "humor." I guess that would be a start, to have humor about our daily struggles. It's tough at first, then we can employ this little by little. Then we are tickled to no end to know that life is no guarantee we won't be dragged from our homes and tortured by those who were either tortured themselves, or those who live in fear.
Trust me the greatest crimes were allowed by those in FEAR. Remember the acronym: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. That will help you as you find out if your thoughts and heart are off by a beat or two. Our heart, or creator, has reasons that "reason knows not." That is a part of a quote from a great person whose name I cannot spell. OOPs, sorry to him.
My certainty...
There are some who relate the "devil" a Christian fear with confusion and misery, and it's true. We work through our confusion and find something I will call "certainty." CERTAINTY I think means an ability to know with our hearts what is right or wrong and to ACT ACCORDINGLY. You may have to be brave as people in fear will spread their manure right on top of your garden suffocating your own INSTINCTS.
Today I have more certainty and I will act on this sense. People have tried to confuse me and to some extent have done this. It's different now and we are getting closer to our destiny. I won't be taken off course by the slightest breeze anymore. I can see, I can remember, and I have compassion to go with it. But that doesn't mean I won't blast you with my new awesome perspective! I will love you as I do it though, that's the difference.
My friends are freaking out!
My friends are confused with me as my life and perspective have changed and they must deal with the new "enthusiastic" Laura who enjoys the moments knowing there isn't anything else.
My friends want me to be drugged and understand I'm only bi-polar in a manic phase. Okay. And my shrink wants to regulate this mood too. Good luck. They will eventually see that it's not what they think. My certainty about it will either repel them completely, as they don't want truth, or it will bring them closer and we can make changes necessary to have a deeper relationship. Meaning we can relate!
A couple funny stories...
I asked my friend, the one who watched me jump from the car, why she thought I should take pain medication, even just a Tylenol. That launched her greatest attack yet, which started with me going insane and being crippled from arthritis. Then she "wished she could see this happen to me." OUCH. Then it escalated along with her yelling, that I would die (yes) and suddenly we were at the end of the world scenario and I told her I would eat my bird first! LOL
OMG, it was so funny, that I have to save this for my books and other story ideas.
Next my other friend was offended by me saying that pain is funny. She was horrified and shocked and told me it was NOT FUNNY DAMMIT! She told me there is something wrong with me, I need medication because I'm bi-polar, and that I need to see my shrink! I could hardly contain myself, yet I was trying very hard to do so.
Then I end up at her house, and her dog is in miserable pain, and part could be alleviated with a simple "peticure" as the nails on the dog needed clipping. I innocently asked if she would do this or I could, and she freaked out. She said I was making her feel guilty and that YES the dog was in pain but what could she do...I shut the fuck up and let her as I was afraid she would throw me out like the minister!
I said I thought "we" didn't like pain? OMG, again, she was pissed at me. But this passed and we hugged, and I cry for her pain. I asked if I could heal her and her dog, but was told NO! So, I'm supposing then she likes the pain? Oh, yes, she said I could not heal it. Okay, if she thinks I can't then I can't.
But she doesn't know she's dealing with a crazy healer from way back. I will tell some childhood stories when I return to write again. I was the kid trying to raise dead animals and the one providing miracles all around me. The elder from the church had little in the way of miracles, hence, they were far away from God! I can and will do miraculous things in my life, and if there are those who wish to join me: FUCKING A! THE MORE THE MERRIER!
Have a wondrous day and remember there are special energies to tap into around Christmas, Hanukkah and the New year...try to have your own miracles! Find truth and compassion for yourself and others and God will bless you with something special! Laura Hart (she's fucking crazy!)
I suppose I could start with our NA meeting last night. I guess I'm not doing the steps properly according to some people who are sticklers for the program. However, I'm comfortable with my commitment and I promised that if I did use I would come back anyway! But they don't realize I have something far greater than drugs now, so it's not a big deal. (not that I'm better than anyone as my friend suggested yesterday)
Instead of reading from our NA books, we shared about Christmas past. OMG, the stories were incredible. I got to know each person on a level I could not imagine. I wanted to cry and heal them all! I completely understood their pain and why they would use drugs or alcohol or demented thinking.
Out of control healer...
Then I realized that my heart contains such great compassion that I would swoop in and take all their pain and likely die in the process. I cannot do that I have to wait and be asked. And then I cannot take the pain into myself it's too big and too much. More so I can tell people how to release their own pain.
Just before I was thrown out out of the Pentecostal church the other night, for telling the minister's wife that sex is good, flesh is awesome, and we are reincarnated, I asked an elder of the church, "what miracles have you witnessed."
He was stymied, he could hardly come up with anything. Well, I'm here to say if you're in God's realm, MIRACLES ARE EVERYWHERE! So, if you are walking in truth and compassion you shall not want. You shall have everything you desire and more. God wants you to be happy. If misery makes you content, God will dish it up!
If you like to feel guilty, want a disease to show everyone, want to survive a disaster, God will provide it. You need to know that God already forgives you, that it's OUR PROBLEM TO FORGIVE OURSELVES! We often don't do it, I only recently forgave myself for everything, and also everybody who has ever hurt me.
What a fucking relief! I carried this shit around for most of my life and boy was I an angry person. I truthfully really don't care about it.
The nights are still long...
We have repeatedly discussed my sleep issues, today I realize that I am working through issues at night, and the pain, the sweating, the feeling of fire, is me, not an "eternal punishment." I have learned so much from my dreams. I see potential future issues, and I pray like HELL. OMG, I woke up and thought of all the great evil in the world.
How do I reconcile this evil with my spirit who wants us all to be awesome and free? It was not easy and it was scary. The Nazi's, the soldiers tortured, starving children and animals, Charles Manson: JESUS! Then I realized if I started to heal stuff like that, the way I used to, I would be dead by morning! LOL
There are heroes like Victor Frankl, who lived through the most horrendous things and we spoke of how he found the "humor." I guess that would be a start, to have humor about our daily struggles. It's tough at first, then we can employ this little by little. Then we are tickled to no end to know that life is no guarantee we won't be dragged from our homes and tortured by those who were either tortured themselves, or those who live in fear.
Trust me the greatest crimes were allowed by those in FEAR. Remember the acronym: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. That will help you as you find out if your thoughts and heart are off by a beat or two. Our heart, or creator, has reasons that "reason knows not." That is a part of a quote from a great person whose name I cannot spell. OOPs, sorry to him.
My certainty...
There are some who relate the "devil" a Christian fear with confusion and misery, and it's true. We work through our confusion and find something I will call "certainty." CERTAINTY I think means an ability to know with our hearts what is right or wrong and to ACT ACCORDINGLY. You may have to be brave as people in fear will spread their manure right on top of your garden suffocating your own INSTINCTS.
Today I have more certainty and I will act on this sense. People have tried to confuse me and to some extent have done this. It's different now and we are getting closer to our destiny. I won't be taken off course by the slightest breeze anymore. I can see, I can remember, and I have compassion to go with it. But that doesn't mean I won't blast you with my new awesome perspective! I will love you as I do it though, that's the difference.
My friends are freaking out!
My friends are confused with me as my life and perspective have changed and they must deal with the new "enthusiastic" Laura who enjoys the moments knowing there isn't anything else.
My friends want me to be drugged and understand I'm only bi-polar in a manic phase. Okay. And my shrink wants to regulate this mood too. Good luck. They will eventually see that it's not what they think. My certainty about it will either repel them completely, as they don't want truth, or it will bring them closer and we can make changes necessary to have a deeper relationship. Meaning we can relate!
A couple funny stories...
I asked my friend, the one who watched me jump from the car, why she thought I should take pain medication, even just a Tylenol. That launched her greatest attack yet, which started with me going insane and being crippled from arthritis. Then she "wished she could see this happen to me." OUCH. Then it escalated along with her yelling, that I would die (yes) and suddenly we were at the end of the world scenario and I told her I would eat my bird first! LOL
OMG, it was so funny, that I have to save this for my books and other story ideas.
Next my other friend was offended by me saying that pain is funny. She was horrified and shocked and told me it was NOT FUNNY DAMMIT! She told me there is something wrong with me, I need medication because I'm bi-polar, and that I need to see my shrink! I could hardly contain myself, yet I was trying very hard to do so.
Then I end up at her house, and her dog is in miserable pain, and part could be alleviated with a simple "peticure" as the nails on the dog needed clipping. I innocently asked if she would do this or I could, and she freaked out. She said I was making her feel guilty and that YES the dog was in pain but what could she do...I shut the fuck up and let her as I was afraid she would throw me out like the minister!
I said I thought "we" didn't like pain? OMG, again, she was pissed at me. But this passed and we hugged, and I cry for her pain. I asked if I could heal her and her dog, but was told NO! So, I'm supposing then she likes the pain? Oh, yes, she said I could not heal it. Okay, if she thinks I can't then I can't.
But she doesn't know she's dealing with a crazy healer from way back. I will tell some childhood stories when I return to write again. I was the kid trying to raise dead animals and the one providing miracles all around me. The elder from the church had little in the way of miracles, hence, they were far away from God! I can and will do miraculous things in my life, and if there are those who wish to join me: FUCKING A! THE MORE THE MERRIER!
Have a wondrous day and remember there are special energies to tap into around Christmas, Hanukkah and the New year...try to have your own miracles! Find truth and compassion for yourself and others and God will bless you with something special! Laura Hart (she's fucking crazy!)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
It's another day how exciting!
Your psychologist isn't happy about your happiness...
It was great, yesterday, (a million years from this morning) I got ready to go see my favorite "shrink" and made sure I was on time. I got there on the fucking dot. I was so happy to be there! I was so proud to be on time and "not rude."
She was amused apparently that I was so happy. I'm of the impression she didn't know what to do with this. She tried to label it, "it's your mood." Then she said, "your mood will change." She got me there.
"What will you do when the mood changes," she asked.
"Umm, sing," I meekly replied.
"Oh, what will you sing?"
"Umm, Singing in the Rain!"
It was too funny. She so wanted to go somewhere past today, and we cannot, and I did not want to. My days are so full that my conversations go for an hour just retelling my "day."
She's great and that was so awesome of her to try and get me to admit how my happiness is wrong and would not last. "You are bi-polar." Yup!
Now she did have me at "you can't sleep." I couldn't counter that as I am writhing and burning at night. Why? I guess because I like it! I mentioned Scooter, or God, I'm sure it got a write up in my records. I am so amused and so grateful to this great woman who helps so many people. She is definitely, "God Given." LOL
Last night was no exception
I talked about taking my dog for a run, and I ran, and the dogs knocked me over...AWESOME! They were like jets in the sky, and suddenly, they or one of them, hit me in the knee and launched me and I fell on the ground. It hurt! The pain was enjoyable. (I never said I'm not weird)
So, sometime in the night, I awoke, of fire, in pain from head to toe, and knee! This was so funny, my friend who heals everyone but cannot look at herself, WARNED me "you will have to deal with the pain, it will fuck with you."
Oh shit, it fucked with me, but I went back to sleep. She suggested that I need something to take to do this. Like carrot marijuana rub, that she uses. I think I would need a swimming pool of it next to the bed, I could dive in during the night.
I told her I would jump!
This friend deserves mention as she has not been "okay" with me since my "return" three weeks ago from the brig. (my jail thing which I love!) First, I needed an anti-psychotic, then I fucked my animals, then I need to watch out for the pain which will get me, and who knows what this awesome person will say next.
She is the one who was driving when I jumped out of the car into traffic in Bakersfield. (It's on the blog somewhere) That was so funny. She fought me so hard trying to tell me that I had control, that I did not have to act like a crazy person. I did, at least for a few hours, but she didn't like it.
I remember, we were in front of Walmart, and I was lit up, baby! Angry, raging, cussing about everything! She could not appreciate this and I said so that everyone in the lot could hear, "why are you arguing with a crazy person?" She stormed off. I stayed in the car cussing at everything getting my anger out.
She would be angry hearing this...
When she got back, she still did not want to "accept" my mood. I had no right, reason, or rhyme, to do this and she would stop me! "Here smoke some pot or take a pill and stop it!"
But before I would stop, she would argue with me to the point I had to prove that I was truly done with the argument. "I'm going to jump out of the car if you don't shut the fuck up." She challenged me with steely eyes as I was in the back seat and saw her defiant look in the mirror.
Then I was gone. On the pavement in traffic is where I landed. AWESOME! I was so amused that I made my way through the befuddled drivers to the side of the road where I made my stand. She could not believe it! I actually could not either, but it was so cool, that I walked around enjoying my nuttiness. She drove up all concerned and freaked out.
"You get in the car," she demanded. I would not initially as I told her until she ACCEPTED my mood and stopped fighting me, I would not return. I had no real plan for how to get home, but I was probably angry enough to walk up the mountain. LOL
We were fine after that...
I had to PROVE IT to her by jumping from the car then she finally stopped fighting against me. She doesn't like anger, confrontation, and so forth, so if you get this way...Wooo, watch out, she'll get really angry about it! LOL
Then I took drugs and got more palatable to others so we were fine and had a nice chat the rest of the way home. I'll never forget the look on her face from the rear view window. And to this day, she makes sure to advise me that "I'm not right."
I guess I should prove it to her again!
Here's the deal, sometimes we cannot see or accept things which upset us, and she is really a great person, but she doesn't like me when I'm angry. She would rather I get with her program and do what she tells me. Yesterday I was told that when I went crazy this past November, 9, that I "fucked my animals over."
OMG, I was horrified, and then quickly wrote out an email to make sure that if I got nutted up again, there would be help for my innocent pets who did nothing to deserve my crap. I called her to tell her what a great thing I did, but never got a call back. I'm hoping she will at least acknowledge this great stride I made...
Hopefully, at some point she will give it up and stop trying to change me and change herself. I know it's hard to even consider that sometimes we try to change others when we should congratulate them on creating their own pain and crap. "Good job, that must hurt and be a pain!"
Hurting ourselves for the fun of it?
Why do we hurt ourselves, I ask, with a smirk on my face? Because it's fucking fun and easy to do. We have control of our own shit, but must accept that of others. I know it's tough but looking at myself and the mistakes I make, I'm a poster child for "leave it alone, you fucking idiot." Let them do what they need to do and get on with the day.
My best friend told me what I did to her was her "greatest fear." Oh shit, I was horrified. I did that, I thought. Yep. I hit that last nerve. All I can do is forgive myself and hope that she doesn't hurt herself in the process of facing her greatest fear. (crossing my fingers...closing my eyes...)
I could hurt others too...
I have this great gift of seeing right through people. I can see their lies and self deception, therefore, I so easily can hurt them. I don't mean to be a pain, but I cause pain. I can light your ass up, but my best friend says I should "try to stop before I talk." (woops where is the duct tape for my mouth?)
Really, I have to allow others their experience, I can't help them unless they want to change. Now if they ask, I will do what they want. If you want a healing, you must ASK ME. I no longer doll them out for free either. There will be a price as I must live on this planet, stuck in my funny looking body, and I like to eat, and eat well!
Have a great day and I'll catch up later. Here's some advice: laugh and the world will fucking hate you. But you will be amused and that is what counts! Laura Hart (the jumper)
It was great, yesterday, (a million years from this morning) I got ready to go see my favorite "shrink" and made sure I was on time. I got there on the fucking dot. I was so happy to be there! I was so proud to be on time and "not rude."
She was amused apparently that I was so happy. I'm of the impression she didn't know what to do with this. She tried to label it, "it's your mood." Then she said, "your mood will change." She got me there.
"What will you do when the mood changes," she asked.
"Umm, sing," I meekly replied.
"Oh, what will you sing?"
"Umm, Singing in the Rain!"
It was too funny. She so wanted to go somewhere past today, and we cannot, and I did not want to. My days are so full that my conversations go for an hour just retelling my "day."
She's great and that was so awesome of her to try and get me to admit how my happiness is wrong and would not last. "You are bi-polar." Yup!
Now she did have me at "you can't sleep." I couldn't counter that as I am writhing and burning at night. Why? I guess because I like it! I mentioned Scooter, or God, I'm sure it got a write up in my records. I am so amused and so grateful to this great woman who helps so many people. She is definitely, "God Given." LOL
Last night was no exception
I talked about taking my dog for a run, and I ran, and the dogs knocked me over...AWESOME! They were like jets in the sky, and suddenly, they or one of them, hit me in the knee and launched me and I fell on the ground. It hurt! The pain was enjoyable. (I never said I'm not weird)
So, sometime in the night, I awoke, of fire, in pain from head to toe, and knee! This was so funny, my friend who heals everyone but cannot look at herself, WARNED me "you will have to deal with the pain, it will fuck with you."
Oh shit, it fucked with me, but I went back to sleep. She suggested that I need something to take to do this. Like carrot marijuana rub, that she uses. I think I would need a swimming pool of it next to the bed, I could dive in during the night.
I told her I would jump!
This friend deserves mention as she has not been "okay" with me since my "return" three weeks ago from the brig. (my jail thing which I love!) First, I needed an anti-psychotic, then I fucked my animals, then I need to watch out for the pain which will get me, and who knows what this awesome person will say next.
She is the one who was driving when I jumped out of the car into traffic in Bakersfield. (It's on the blog somewhere) That was so funny. She fought me so hard trying to tell me that I had control, that I did not have to act like a crazy person. I did, at least for a few hours, but she didn't like it.
I remember, we were in front of Walmart, and I was lit up, baby! Angry, raging, cussing about everything! She could not appreciate this and I said so that everyone in the lot could hear, "why are you arguing with a crazy person?" She stormed off. I stayed in the car cussing at everything getting my anger out.
She would be angry hearing this...
When she got back, she still did not want to "accept" my mood. I had no right, reason, or rhyme, to do this and she would stop me! "Here smoke some pot or take a pill and stop it!"
But before I would stop, she would argue with me to the point I had to prove that I was truly done with the argument. "I'm going to jump out of the car if you don't shut the fuck up." She challenged me with steely eyes as I was in the back seat and saw her defiant look in the mirror.
Then I was gone. On the pavement in traffic is where I landed. AWESOME! I was so amused that I made my way through the befuddled drivers to the side of the road where I made my stand. She could not believe it! I actually could not either, but it was so cool, that I walked around enjoying my nuttiness. She drove up all concerned and freaked out.
"You get in the car," she demanded. I would not initially as I told her until she ACCEPTED my mood and stopped fighting me, I would not return. I had no real plan for how to get home, but I was probably angry enough to walk up the mountain. LOL
We were fine after that...
I had to PROVE IT to her by jumping from the car then she finally stopped fighting against me. She doesn't like anger, confrontation, and so forth, so if you get this way...Wooo, watch out, she'll get really angry about it! LOL
Then I took drugs and got more palatable to others so we were fine and had a nice chat the rest of the way home. I'll never forget the look on her face from the rear view window. And to this day, she makes sure to advise me that "I'm not right."
I guess I should prove it to her again!
Here's the deal, sometimes we cannot see or accept things which upset us, and she is really a great person, but she doesn't like me when I'm angry. She would rather I get with her program and do what she tells me. Yesterday I was told that when I went crazy this past November, 9, that I "fucked my animals over."
OMG, I was horrified, and then quickly wrote out an email to make sure that if I got nutted up again, there would be help for my innocent pets who did nothing to deserve my crap. I called her to tell her what a great thing I did, but never got a call back. I'm hoping she will at least acknowledge this great stride I made...
Hopefully, at some point she will give it up and stop trying to change me and change herself. I know it's hard to even consider that sometimes we try to change others when we should congratulate them on creating their own pain and crap. "Good job, that must hurt and be a pain!"
Hurting ourselves for the fun of it?
Why do we hurt ourselves, I ask, with a smirk on my face? Because it's fucking fun and easy to do. We have control of our own shit, but must accept that of others. I know it's tough but looking at myself and the mistakes I make, I'm a poster child for "leave it alone, you fucking idiot." Let them do what they need to do and get on with the day.
My best friend told me what I did to her was her "greatest fear." Oh shit, I was horrified. I did that, I thought. Yep. I hit that last nerve. All I can do is forgive myself and hope that she doesn't hurt herself in the process of facing her greatest fear. (crossing my fingers...closing my eyes...)
I could hurt others too...
I have this great gift of seeing right through people. I can see their lies and self deception, therefore, I so easily can hurt them. I don't mean to be a pain, but I cause pain. I can light your ass up, but my best friend says I should "try to stop before I talk." (woops where is the duct tape for my mouth?)
Really, I have to allow others their experience, I can't help them unless they want to change. Now if they ask, I will do what they want. If you want a healing, you must ASK ME. I no longer doll them out for free either. There will be a price as I must live on this planet, stuck in my funny looking body, and I like to eat, and eat well!
Have a great day and I'll catch up later. Here's some advice: laugh and the world will fucking hate you. But you will be amused and that is what counts! Laura Hart (the jumper)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
It's so hard to forgive myself...
When my mistakes cause pain...
It is so difficult to forgive me for the pain I cause others. I know in my heart I cannot change anyone's pain, even if I want to. I leave that to the universe and then sit in mine for a while. I hurt so many people and continue to do so, it hurts me so much more.
I spoke to an incredible woman from the hospital drama over at KVHD and she told me things that left my mind reeling last night. Did I allow racism and prejudice to take her down? I don't know but I sure as shit feel like shit about it.
Then someone who has been my biggest and sometimes my only supporter was called "out" yesterday against her will. She did not want to talk about it and she made it clear. I did not or could not go along with it. So, I fear she is angry or suffering because of what I did. I'm sorry again.
Today again I must forgive myself which is the toughest thing to do. I ask Scooter for forgiveness but that is always available. Now I ask me, please forgive me for hurting such decent, awesome people. And there it is. I have no choice or I will continue to hurt myself and others. I WILL let it go. I WILL serve the people I care about and no longer find it necessary to change them.
I'm not in charge of them, I'm only in charge of me.
Big time ideas came to me last night while I slept. There was fear and then I realized that nothing can change any of this, nor would the universe want that. I have tuned in to the powers that be and I do wield power, I just did not realize how much. I also did not realize how much this was hurting others around me.
You know who you are, and I am so sorry. I feel pain and it is nothing, but I have been around for a long time, I'm your channel! Oh, go ahead and change me and I'll still be here.
Karma is Coming!
The light will have it's time for those who are sitting in the dark like campers when there is warmth to be found. You need not camp anymore...find the spirit within you! I can show you, but I cannot do it for you. But if you ask me I will serve you.
God is mercy and as I said if the creator could deal with a bitch like me, then he/she could love you too. And this same source will give you all that you want. Then you will not want.
Spirit is born of spirit, flesh of flesh, so remember who you are deep down inside. I can no longer hide in this, I have to find the courage to be who I am.
I'll get back to you later, as my days are like years, eons, and things change as I absorb everything. Make your day count! Be on top of it, do something incredible, and mostly be yourself in the light of that which created you and loves you! Laura Hart...(a major pain in the ass!)
It is so difficult to forgive me for the pain I cause others. I know in my heart I cannot change anyone's pain, even if I want to. I leave that to the universe and then sit in mine for a while. I hurt so many people and continue to do so, it hurts me so much more.
I spoke to an incredible woman from the hospital drama over at KVHD and she told me things that left my mind reeling last night. Did I allow racism and prejudice to take her down? I don't know but I sure as shit feel like shit about it.
Then someone who has been my biggest and sometimes my only supporter was called "out" yesterday against her will. She did not want to talk about it and she made it clear. I did not or could not go along with it. So, I fear she is angry or suffering because of what I did. I'm sorry again.
Today again I must forgive myself which is the toughest thing to do. I ask Scooter for forgiveness but that is always available. Now I ask me, please forgive me for hurting such decent, awesome people. And there it is. I have no choice or I will continue to hurt myself and others. I WILL let it go. I WILL serve the people I care about and no longer find it necessary to change them.
I'm not in charge of them, I'm only in charge of me.
Big time ideas came to me last night while I slept. There was fear and then I realized that nothing can change any of this, nor would the universe want that. I have tuned in to the powers that be and I do wield power, I just did not realize how much. I also did not realize how much this was hurting others around me.
You know who you are, and I am so sorry. I feel pain and it is nothing, but I have been around for a long time, I'm your channel! Oh, go ahead and change me and I'll still be here.
Karma is Coming!
The light will have it's time for those who are sitting in the dark like campers when there is warmth to be found. You need not camp anymore...find the spirit within you! I can show you, but I cannot do it for you. But if you ask me I will serve you.
God is mercy and as I said if the creator could deal with a bitch like me, then he/she could love you too. And this same source will give you all that you want. Then you will not want.
Spirit is born of spirit, flesh of flesh, so remember who you are deep down inside. I can no longer hide in this, I have to find the courage to be who I am.
I'll get back to you later, as my days are like years, eons, and things change as I absorb everything. Make your day count! Be on top of it, do something incredible, and mostly be yourself in the light of that which created you and loves you! Laura Hart...(a major pain in the ass!)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The days are like years as I face my own fears...
The truth of it all
I've looked thru this blog and it shows someone who has been preparing all her life for the moment which is NOW!
Each night I sweat and writhe in pain sort of like my opiate or drug withdrawal, but it's different. It's a pain containing all my fear, regret and anger. I want it gone, goodbye! So, I won't run away or try to mask this remarkable experience with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or even my past friend marijuana.
I'm still SQUEAKY CLEAN and loving it!
If I were to be honest, which is the only thing I can count on, I would say I'm hooked on the "creator," the universe, the love that it has shown me. To have mercy on a fucking bitch like me had to come from GOD. (LOL) I have been a shithead, a big fucking baby, a rabid dog, a monster really, as my pain had built beyond my tolerance.
Then the incredible experience which took place with people who got angry and hurt me, and then helped, was too much! I will cry thinking of the cruelty and the compassion. I wish I could go back to jail and speak with the people I so enjoyed and they who would listen to a crazy looking character such as me! They showed great compassion.
(Umm, yes, they wanted me medicated, but hey, maybe now they understand I'm into this sober living. I'm also happy which doesn't account for the lack of drugs. I'm into the universe. I'm HIGH baby.)
My life didn't suck after all
I would not be me today if I had not experienced all of this and I mean ALL of this. I went willingly to the pain and came back, scarred and scared, and I would, yes, do it all over again. Oh my, did I change what I said before? Yes, and each day I am reborn into these incredible moments with you awesome people by my side. Even if you run from me, which many do, I still love you and want you to feel the freedom I feel right now.
I've learned so much from NA and AA, but I realize I learn from everything and everybody. My teachers are all around me and I'm so fucking lucky.
Losing my fear and anger has allowed me to fill myself with HOPE, CALM, and Belief that we are all here for a reason. Though my days and nights are long, they are the best! Thank GOD!!!
Take your life and love it!
You have this moment, there are no other promises. You can't have safety, or security, this is life, it doesn't exist. You can't have success unless you are willing to fail. But you can have God or "Scooter" as I call it. Scooter was a name I created as God seemed so distant and not exactly loving. Trust me, I've never felt the mercy I feel now. What a fucked up human I am and God still has made me a light, a beacon for others.
And I am humbled before this great spirit. I am on my knees! I could have never have seen this before in my hell hole, in my contempt for myself. Until this horrible experience brought me to the light and the truth. (It's kind of uncomfortable to feel so truthful and constantly know there is nothing else.)
But I had asked for this experience for 48 years and now it's part of my daily life. I'm in no way reaching perfection: HELL NO! I'm basking in my imperfection, and laughing at it.
Don't try to be perfect...
You will hurt yourself trying to be perfect. Your body will get old, and Joan Rivers plastic surgeon has enough work holding this poor woman together. You can't do it for anyone else, you must, however, do it for yourself. If you have faith you will have total access to the abundance of life.
I expect to be more kind and generous, though not in a way that is guilt ridden or manipulated. I always serve this world. I served when I went totally ballistic at the Kern Valley Healthcare District. That was my gift to show others the outrage of hurting people or killing them for horrifying reasons.
Now I forgive them. Those who were part of this will be in pain and try to escape the pain. They deserve compassion too for they knew not what they did. How could they? If they were believers they would have been on a beach in Maui with a Mai Tai and not holding down old women to give them shots of anti-psychotics.
What I'm saying is they would have been settled in themselves to SPEAK THE TRUTH! The only words you ever need to know.
Now get your butts out there and enjoy life whether or not you think you're a fuck up or not. You may have done something untrtuthful, now you are not...Love yourself, enjoy life, go with it, JUST FOR TODAY. Hey I learned that sober tool and it really works.
Take care and I would like to send out a blessing on this world: may we all begin to believe we are better than we thought and worse than we can imagine...LOL
Good luck or God Bless. Laura Hart
I've looked thru this blog and it shows someone who has been preparing all her life for the moment which is NOW!
Each night I sweat and writhe in pain sort of like my opiate or drug withdrawal, but it's different. It's a pain containing all my fear, regret and anger. I want it gone, goodbye! So, I won't run away or try to mask this remarkable experience with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or even my past friend marijuana.
I'm still SQUEAKY CLEAN and loving it!
If I were to be honest, which is the only thing I can count on, I would say I'm hooked on the "creator," the universe, the love that it has shown me. To have mercy on a fucking bitch like me had to come from GOD. (LOL) I have been a shithead, a big fucking baby, a rabid dog, a monster really, as my pain had built beyond my tolerance.
Then the incredible experience which took place with people who got angry and hurt me, and then helped, was too much! I will cry thinking of the cruelty and the compassion. I wish I could go back to jail and speak with the people I so enjoyed and they who would listen to a crazy looking character such as me! They showed great compassion.
(Umm, yes, they wanted me medicated, but hey, maybe now they understand I'm into this sober living. I'm also happy which doesn't account for the lack of drugs. I'm into the universe. I'm HIGH baby.)
My life didn't suck after all
I would not be me today if I had not experienced all of this and I mean ALL of this. I went willingly to the pain and came back, scarred and scared, and I would, yes, do it all over again. Oh my, did I change what I said before? Yes, and each day I am reborn into these incredible moments with you awesome people by my side. Even if you run from me, which many do, I still love you and want you to feel the freedom I feel right now.
I've learned so much from NA and AA, but I realize I learn from everything and everybody. My teachers are all around me and I'm so fucking lucky.
Losing my fear and anger has allowed me to fill myself with HOPE, CALM, and Belief that we are all here for a reason. Though my days and nights are long, they are the best! Thank GOD!!!
Take your life and love it!
You have this moment, there are no other promises. You can't have safety, or security, this is life, it doesn't exist. You can't have success unless you are willing to fail. But you can have God or "Scooter" as I call it. Scooter was a name I created as God seemed so distant and not exactly loving. Trust me, I've never felt the mercy I feel now. What a fucked up human I am and God still has made me a light, a beacon for others.
And I am humbled before this great spirit. I am on my knees! I could have never have seen this before in my hell hole, in my contempt for myself. Until this horrible experience brought me to the light and the truth. (It's kind of uncomfortable to feel so truthful and constantly know there is nothing else.)
But I had asked for this experience for 48 years and now it's part of my daily life. I'm in no way reaching perfection: HELL NO! I'm basking in my imperfection, and laughing at it.
Don't try to be perfect...
You will hurt yourself trying to be perfect. Your body will get old, and Joan Rivers plastic surgeon has enough work holding this poor woman together. You can't do it for anyone else, you must, however, do it for yourself. If you have faith you will have total access to the abundance of life.
I expect to be more kind and generous, though not in a way that is guilt ridden or manipulated. I always serve this world. I served when I went totally ballistic at the Kern Valley Healthcare District. That was my gift to show others the outrage of hurting people or killing them for horrifying reasons.
Now I forgive them. Those who were part of this will be in pain and try to escape the pain. They deserve compassion too for they knew not what they did. How could they? If they were believers they would have been on a beach in Maui with a Mai Tai and not holding down old women to give them shots of anti-psychotics.
What I'm saying is they would have been settled in themselves to SPEAK THE TRUTH! The only words you ever need to know.
Now get your butts out there and enjoy life whether or not you think you're a fuck up or not. You may have done something untrtuthful, now you are not...Love yourself, enjoy life, go with it, JUST FOR TODAY. Hey I learned that sober tool and it really works.
Take care and I would like to send out a blessing on this world: may we all begin to believe we are better than we thought and worse than we can imagine...LOL
Good luck or God Bless. Laura Hart
I'm not even sure what to write...
I did remember but then...
I had some dreams last night which were disturbing. I realize I have spent a whole lifetime full of anger and pain and desperation. I wanted to be dead and I really do believe I am. I may not want to totally give up, because there is something keeping me alive. Something much bigger than the "me" I used to know.
The truth as I see it has hurt many people and I did not control the dribble I was allowing out. I'm sad today, but also very curious. What is happening to me?
I can see some of it...
I cannot, however, even begin to explain this to you. I'm someone who has been abused to a degree that I hurt myself repeatedly throughout my life. Over and over until it comes to this vital lesson right now. I keep seeing the results of sexual abuse. I had no control and apparently am still learning control.
Why would they hurt a child, I repeatedly asked. It really doesn't matter, I should forgive us all. The people who did this were not only my mother and grandmother, but others, as I didn't know when to stop. Normal people don't jerk off all the time, but I do. I could not stop it became obsessive behavior that attracted every fucking freak out there. Hard to admit.
My memories are distorted and I may have things wrong, right now, I don't know. But I will listen to the universe and take all of it into consideration. My friends are good people I will try harder to trust them. Right now I need them to help me see the truth...and when I do help me back to my feet.
I know it will be painful to find out what has happened. I have known since I got home from jail that everything is different, changed. Too much so that I can't discern that I must have done something serious such as take my life.
Wanting to be dead...
I've heard people say "it's sad" and others don't want me to pursue certain things or people, and that must mean that I no longer have a future to give. Actually, I really don't know. This creation isn't mine, it's created by God.
I wondered last night if I didn't have a stroke, or injure myself, and I'm waiting to wake up with a new perspective. Anyway it goes, it's God given and God driven, therefore out of the control of us mere mortals.
Being a kinder, gentler, person while I'm around this weird place would be a welcome change. I don't really enjoy all of these emotions I have experienced "vividly" since I've been clean. One after another, like a parade, I can see the horror that was me.
Fear, anger, pain, violence, temper tantrums, spewing truths, judging other people even friends, depression which won't move forward, all of it a waste of time. I spent 50 years, almost, doing these things over and over until I waited to die. Okay, so what did I get out of it? I suffered. I believed I should as I was inadequate in every way my mind latched onto that notion: and would not let go.
I'm okay in my imperfection...
Yep, so imperfect, so sweaty at night as I have all of us this coming out my pores. It's a sign I need to find out what happened.
Once I know then I can let go. Maybe I don't have to know and can still let go. God does not punish me, I do. And honestly I don't deserve this I was a child who enjoyed everything which got on the nerves of everyone. I was happy and they were not. So, I forgive them, and me. I did not do this until now, the new, strange, now I live in.
Let me say there are memories of the past which I'm so sad got out of control, but someday I may laugh at them and own them. I'm not my body, I'm not the past, so I must be a spirit who is trying really hard to change this Karma.
No, I don't want to see anyone suffer. If I sound like I do, then it's again the anger from my own personal pain I keep inflicting.
Most of the people who hurt me are dead. Yet I keep wanting them dead or to hurt them. Hurting me was the best I could do. Killing me was the ultimate of them all and I kept trying. But if I can take a second to see I was trying to kill the pain. That was all.
Take this and I hope you can stop your own pain before it takes you somewhere you can't quite fathom and you will still have to deal with all your issues. You can't get away from your own truth. It's coming for you and it also does it so you can be free. Laura Hart
I had some dreams last night which were disturbing. I realize I have spent a whole lifetime full of anger and pain and desperation. I wanted to be dead and I really do believe I am. I may not want to totally give up, because there is something keeping me alive. Something much bigger than the "me" I used to know.
The truth as I see it has hurt many people and I did not control the dribble I was allowing out. I'm sad today, but also very curious. What is happening to me?
I can see some of it...
I cannot, however, even begin to explain this to you. I'm someone who has been abused to a degree that I hurt myself repeatedly throughout my life. Over and over until it comes to this vital lesson right now. I keep seeing the results of sexual abuse. I had no control and apparently am still learning control.
Why would they hurt a child, I repeatedly asked. It really doesn't matter, I should forgive us all. The people who did this were not only my mother and grandmother, but others, as I didn't know when to stop. Normal people don't jerk off all the time, but I do. I could not stop it became obsessive behavior that attracted every fucking freak out there. Hard to admit.
My memories are distorted and I may have things wrong, right now, I don't know. But I will listen to the universe and take all of it into consideration. My friends are good people I will try harder to trust them. Right now I need them to help me see the truth...and when I do help me back to my feet.
I know it will be painful to find out what has happened. I have known since I got home from jail that everything is different, changed. Too much so that I can't discern that I must have done something serious such as take my life.
Wanting to be dead...
I've heard people say "it's sad" and others don't want me to pursue certain things or people, and that must mean that I no longer have a future to give. Actually, I really don't know. This creation isn't mine, it's created by God.
I wondered last night if I didn't have a stroke, or injure myself, and I'm waiting to wake up with a new perspective. Anyway it goes, it's God given and God driven, therefore out of the control of us mere mortals.
Being a kinder, gentler, person while I'm around this weird place would be a welcome change. I don't really enjoy all of these emotions I have experienced "vividly" since I've been clean. One after another, like a parade, I can see the horror that was me.
Fear, anger, pain, violence, temper tantrums, spewing truths, judging other people even friends, depression which won't move forward, all of it a waste of time. I spent 50 years, almost, doing these things over and over until I waited to die. Okay, so what did I get out of it? I suffered. I believed I should as I was inadequate in every way my mind latched onto that notion: and would not let go.
I'm okay in my imperfection...
Yep, so imperfect, so sweaty at night as I have all of us this coming out my pores. It's a sign I need to find out what happened.
Once I know then I can let go. Maybe I don't have to know and can still let go. God does not punish me, I do. And honestly I don't deserve this I was a child who enjoyed everything which got on the nerves of everyone. I was happy and they were not. So, I forgive them, and me. I did not do this until now, the new, strange, now I live in.
Let me say there are memories of the past which I'm so sad got out of control, but someday I may laugh at them and own them. I'm not my body, I'm not the past, so I must be a spirit who is trying really hard to change this Karma.
No, I don't want to see anyone suffer. If I sound like I do, then it's again the anger from my own personal pain I keep inflicting.
Most of the people who hurt me are dead. Yet I keep wanting them dead or to hurt them. Hurting me was the best I could do. Killing me was the ultimate of them all and I kept trying. But if I can take a second to see I was trying to kill the pain. That was all.
Take this and I hope you can stop your own pain before it takes you somewhere you can't quite fathom and you will still have to deal with all your issues. You can't get away from your own truth. It's coming for you and it also does it so you can be free. Laura Hart
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Letting it ALL go!
I could easily be angry or depressed...
Good morning, I feel renewed, and no longer want any sort of anger or depression screwing up my days. So, people hurt me and I them, that's over, today will be my day.
Throwing away my anger and resentment happens to be at the top of the list today. I can't fix them, or my house...LOL
So much time passed with me not taking advantage of each and every moment. Now is here and I will enjoy the moments. Who knows what I can do if I put myself in a frame of mind to accomplish things. Also not going to drama land will allow for more to get done.
Trust me this is not easy. The butcher said I look like I'm in pain. Maybe so, I have no pain killers or pills, or booze, or cigarettes to fall back on. I have my natural chemicals which seem to keep me going. For some reason sweating all night but I enjoy the sleep whatever amount I get.
That's all folks, I have food to buy and cook, and dreams of better things for me. Thanks to everyone who gave me my most recent challenges. I hope that they can handle the challenges which come from brushing up against me...
Take care and forgive yourself! Have a good day, you are not a victim of anyone or yourself! Laura Hart
Good morning, I feel renewed, and no longer want any sort of anger or depression screwing up my days. So, people hurt me and I them, that's over, today will be my day.
Throwing away my anger and resentment happens to be at the top of the list today. I can't fix them, or my house...LOL
So much time passed with me not taking advantage of each and every moment. Now is here and I will enjoy the moments. Who knows what I can do if I put myself in a frame of mind to accomplish things. Also not going to drama land will allow for more to get done.
Trust me this is not easy. The butcher said I look like I'm in pain. Maybe so, I have no pain killers or pills, or booze, or cigarettes to fall back on. I have my natural chemicals which seem to keep me going. For some reason sweating all night but I enjoy the sleep whatever amount I get.
That's all folks, I have food to buy and cook, and dreams of better things for me. Thanks to everyone who gave me my most recent challenges. I hope that they can handle the challenges which come from brushing up against me...
Take care and forgive yourself! Have a good day, you are not a victim of anyone or yourself! Laura Hart
Friday, December 16, 2011
Rising from the ashes...fuck you!
Okay, another sobering experience
I won't and really have no desire to use anything. I'm more interested in my state of mind, which was impaired as hell this morning. I guess it's time to breathe. I can't say I'm "good" but I'm all right now. I had to let the feeling of being a victim go forever. I'm not a victim and the only thing to hang onto is truth.
There is nothing I can do to change what happened except change my thinking. That is the truth.
It was all in my head...
No wonder I had a headache, my brain and spirit were filled to the brim with negative emotions. Nothing was good. Everything was most certainly bad though. I believed that. And that is all it took to screw a whole morning up.
Well, sometimes it takes time when things get roiled up to settle them down. AND FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO MEDICATE ME I TOOK NOTHING! I simply want to know who I am and even doctor dope is not going to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I need to leave those who can't watch this and let them go. I know that now. I make people crazy around me and they need to learn to let me do what I need to do. I CAN AND I WILL CHANGE.
I made sure I had thyroid...
The medication I need to remember always, each morning to take is thyroid. It controls everything really. It also causes problems when I don't take it. Or for anyone.
For three weeks no one gave me my thyroid, and now I say, "FUCK YOU I FORGIVE YOU!" What else can I do. I can't make anyone accountable who doesn't want to be. I can make myself let go of hurting me and destroying every thing I have tried to accomplish. I change what I can and there you are...poof!
The reaction is...
When I have a reaction I'm back in the old days, the old ways. Now I'm acting more so, which meant I needed my space to remember, grieve the loss, and then let the fucker go. It should not be a surprise to me the way others acted. The circumstances got screwed up. People rarely take responsibility, and I must accept that. I can take my responsibility and hope that those who helped create the nightmare for me and my pets learn something.
Maybe they will...likely they will be in the 98 percent who drink it away, or pretend it didn't happen. I know myself there are some difficult lessons I've had to learn. So, I need to stop judging and living in that judgment.
I admit, I don't trust people.
I not only don't trust people, I'm very standoffish. If people get in I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of the responsibility too. I assume from the beginning they will know how fucked up I am. This is without evidence just a thing from my past. So, I keep them out!
Wrong again...
How many times will I be wrong? Hmm, let's see a million, two million, I guess as many as it takes to learn. I'm sort of glad I did not let too much of this horrible depression loose. I did say some things I didn't mean. And it was all mean. More frustration really.
To allow the people whom I clashed with to have power over me is ridiculous. I have better things to do, or other things to do. If there is no one who will share or admit, then I have to forgive us all. We were in this together and now we are not. We created it together now I say goodbye to yesterday and hello to today.
Starting to see the future...
When I returned from jail I could not even operate the microwave. Now I have some idea about how I want to spend my life. This really is the first time I've thought past..."what is to eat?" Maybe this is a step to know where I want to be.
I missed out on so many things such as spending time with my awesome friend in London. Now she wants me to be there by her birthday in February. I will at least begin to see if this could happen, realistically. Again, what is realistic? I want to go and have some fun! I stopped myself with my bird as an excuse.
Sky is great, she's funny, interesting, she talks, cusses, and would make a great pet for someone who was living in the same place and had kids or time. I did this for nine years and now I have other things on my mind. I want to get out of here and move on. But I must step carefully and find a new place where I'm accepted, not the friend no one wants to admit to.
Geez, it's been fun...bye bye!
I acted idiotic today, but I did not realize that all of the emotion needed to be channeled into something that finally serves me! I never know what will happen and today was not an exception. One friend calls me a roller coaster ride. Lot's of screaming in fear, but when the rides over, you want to do it again. Or at least I do. I'm ready for major change and each day there is an opportunity.
One change would be to eliminate the bullshit. I can handle only so much. I'm far too obsessed with truth and fairness, openness, and so forth to deal with unnecessary drama. I have to deal with the crap in my head which takes too much time. I could have had more done today, but I was side tracked with my drama.
My fear has become a fucking lifestyle, Geez ! No more, I don't want to waste my time anymore. I want out of this valley...there I said it. I want to be away from the drama that I probably helped create. People expect me to be "crazy" or "a good friend" which means they have decided what I'm supposed to be. No, I decide what I am going to be.
I'll be a friend to me...
I've known it all along, the answers are there for us all. I needed to look but had too much of the past right in my face, on my mind. It is time to settle it all down and be my own friend. Have positive things to say about me. "Gee Laura good job not being too insane..." Kidding.
But that is another big step: liking me. I'm not exactly into it. Hating me has been my activity. Not a good idea. Those who do this are rarely successful or happy. I am toying with the whole idea of being happy. What if I could do it? What would it look like?
Thanks for another lesson...
Those who played this event out...thank you. I would not be facing all this emotion without you. Now I can get rid of it. Hope you can too.
I'll be back for more I guess. Good luck to us all. Laura Hart
I won't and really have no desire to use anything. I'm more interested in my state of mind, which was impaired as hell this morning. I guess it's time to breathe. I can't say I'm "good" but I'm all right now. I had to let the feeling of being a victim go forever. I'm not a victim and the only thing to hang onto is truth.
There is nothing I can do to change what happened except change my thinking. That is the truth.
It was all in my head...
No wonder I had a headache, my brain and spirit were filled to the brim with negative emotions. Nothing was good. Everything was most certainly bad though. I believed that. And that is all it took to screw a whole morning up.
Well, sometimes it takes time when things get roiled up to settle them down. AND FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO MEDICATE ME I TOOK NOTHING! I simply want to know who I am and even doctor dope is not going to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I need to leave those who can't watch this and let them go. I know that now. I make people crazy around me and they need to learn to let me do what I need to do. I CAN AND I WILL CHANGE.
I made sure I had thyroid...
The medication I need to remember always, each morning to take is thyroid. It controls everything really. It also causes problems when I don't take it. Or for anyone.
For three weeks no one gave me my thyroid, and now I say, "FUCK YOU I FORGIVE YOU!" What else can I do. I can't make anyone accountable who doesn't want to be. I can make myself let go of hurting me and destroying every thing I have tried to accomplish. I change what I can and there you are...poof!
The reaction is...
When I have a reaction I'm back in the old days, the old ways. Now I'm acting more so, which meant I needed my space to remember, grieve the loss, and then let the fucker go. It should not be a surprise to me the way others acted. The circumstances got screwed up. People rarely take responsibility, and I must accept that. I can take my responsibility and hope that those who helped create the nightmare for me and my pets learn something.
Maybe they will...likely they will be in the 98 percent who drink it away, or pretend it didn't happen. I know myself there are some difficult lessons I've had to learn. So, I need to stop judging and living in that judgment.
I admit, I don't trust people.
I not only don't trust people, I'm very standoffish. If people get in I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of the responsibility too. I assume from the beginning they will know how fucked up I am. This is without evidence just a thing from my past. So, I keep them out!
Wrong again...
How many times will I be wrong? Hmm, let's see a million, two million, I guess as many as it takes to learn. I'm sort of glad I did not let too much of this horrible depression loose. I did say some things I didn't mean. And it was all mean. More frustration really.
To allow the people whom I clashed with to have power over me is ridiculous. I have better things to do, or other things to do. If there is no one who will share or admit, then I have to forgive us all. We were in this together and now we are not. We created it together now I say goodbye to yesterday and hello to today.
Starting to see the future...
When I returned from jail I could not even operate the microwave. Now I have some idea about how I want to spend my life. This really is the first time I've thought past..."what is to eat?" Maybe this is a step to know where I want to be.
I missed out on so many things such as spending time with my awesome friend in London. Now she wants me to be there by her birthday in February. I will at least begin to see if this could happen, realistically. Again, what is realistic? I want to go and have some fun! I stopped myself with my bird as an excuse.
Sky is great, she's funny, interesting, she talks, cusses, and would make a great pet for someone who was living in the same place and had kids or time. I did this for nine years and now I have other things on my mind. I want to get out of here and move on. But I must step carefully and find a new place where I'm accepted, not the friend no one wants to admit to.
Geez, it's been fun...bye bye!
I acted idiotic today, but I did not realize that all of the emotion needed to be channeled into something that finally serves me! I never know what will happen and today was not an exception. One friend calls me a roller coaster ride. Lot's of screaming in fear, but when the rides over, you want to do it again. Or at least I do. I'm ready for major change and each day there is an opportunity.
One change would be to eliminate the bullshit. I can handle only so much. I'm far too obsessed with truth and fairness, openness, and so forth to deal with unnecessary drama. I have to deal with the crap in my head which takes too much time. I could have had more done today, but I was side tracked with my drama.
My fear has become a fucking lifestyle, Geez ! No more, I don't want to waste my time anymore. I want out of this valley...there I said it. I want to be away from the drama that I probably helped create. People expect me to be "crazy" or "a good friend" which means they have decided what I'm supposed to be. No, I decide what I am going to be.
I'll be a friend to me...
I've known it all along, the answers are there for us all. I needed to look but had too much of the past right in my face, on my mind. It is time to settle it all down and be my own friend. Have positive things to say about me. "Gee Laura good job not being too insane..." Kidding.
But that is another big step: liking me. I'm not exactly into it. Hating me has been my activity. Not a good idea. Those who do this are rarely successful or happy. I am toying with the whole idea of being happy. What if I could do it? What would it look like?
Thanks for another lesson...
Those who played this event out...thank you. I would not be facing all this emotion without you. Now I can get rid of it. Hope you can too.
I'll be back for more I guess. Good luck to us all. Laura Hart
When you are at the real rock bottom...
I'm there...
I have now actually hit my rock bottom. The memories were too much and I crashed...and hard. I feel helpless, hopeless and enraged all at once. I would rather be dead than deal with this.
But since I am dead, I guess I may just finish the program.
It hurts to a degree of unspeakableness, which isn't even a word, I just made that up. I know if the people who were part of this cannot even acknowledge it then I could easily be dismissed. Nothing new for me, the bitches in my life did that. (everyone liked them, they put on a show)
My friend, before she knew the truth apologized to a nurse at the hospital and now I'm so fucking sad. How could she do that? Why not wait and hope there was an actual real reason for it. Again I become the judge. This is what happened to me too: I became judged.
I'm just crazy in need of meds.
Well, guess what as crazy as I am: I"M FUCKING SOBER! I'm riding this out to see if there is a way to come to terms and maybe forgive myself for allowing it to happen: again.
It's part of my history of abuse. But I need me to deal with it. It's far too painful to bring in others. I could cry a river but then it would take the rest of my life.
Some people just want to medicate me. Maybe I should sit in a funny farm on meds the rest of my life. These are options. Maybe I'm not as crazy as you people think. I'm honest and straightforward, but crazy is a stretch. Even I know I'm not, but I can't help wondering or caring what others think...right now.
This could change. I could get a grip and then I would be free to move on. Who knows anything can happen. As I say all the time on this blog. NEVER count out a bi-polar. We are survivors and we will be there when your time comes. And I'll laugh because I had to go thru it too. I had to face myself to live. And those who did this will too, I just have to have faith.
I may not be able to change anything at all except my attitude. Thank God for cats who are not afraid of their bi-polar owners. And dogs that know better than to mix it up. And a bird who is quiet as my fucking head is pounding with the pain!
I'll use my new SOBER TOOLS to deal with this venom. I was too sick to eat food. Okay that is an alarm right there. I love fucking food you idiots who think I don't. I'm crazy for all kinds of food, mostly my own. Again I'm apparently angry about that misconception too! And so many have spread that around. Fuck you, give me your chicken, pie and ice cream. (I won't get fat...but you will! Maybe you"re jealous...)
I did eat, which is a good sign. I honestly didn't want to, but yet I did. So, there is still some life left in this angry, unsettled soul.
It's early in the day which feels like a week. I'm working on it. I'm hoping I can make it. Please forgive me for what I say today, as I've got pain all over. I don't really mean to be mean.
Have a great day, and I hope you stay well. Laura Hart
I have now actually hit my rock bottom. The memories were too much and I crashed...and hard. I feel helpless, hopeless and enraged all at once. I would rather be dead than deal with this.
But since I am dead, I guess I may just finish the program.
It hurts to a degree of unspeakableness, which isn't even a word, I just made that up. I know if the people who were part of this cannot even acknowledge it then I could easily be dismissed. Nothing new for me, the bitches in my life did that. (everyone liked them, they put on a show)
My friend, before she knew the truth apologized to a nurse at the hospital and now I'm so fucking sad. How could she do that? Why not wait and hope there was an actual real reason for it. Again I become the judge. This is what happened to me too: I became judged.
I'm just crazy in need of meds.
Well, guess what as crazy as I am: I"M FUCKING SOBER! I'm riding this out to see if there is a way to come to terms and maybe forgive myself for allowing it to happen: again.
It's part of my history of abuse. But I need me to deal with it. It's far too painful to bring in others. I could cry a river but then it would take the rest of my life.
Some people just want to medicate me. Maybe I should sit in a funny farm on meds the rest of my life. These are options. Maybe I'm not as crazy as you people think. I'm honest and straightforward, but crazy is a stretch. Even I know I'm not, but I can't help wondering or caring what others think...right now.
This could change. I could get a grip and then I would be free to move on. Who knows anything can happen. As I say all the time on this blog. NEVER count out a bi-polar. We are survivors and we will be there when your time comes. And I'll laugh because I had to go thru it too. I had to face myself to live. And those who did this will too, I just have to have faith.
I may not be able to change anything at all except my attitude. Thank God for cats who are not afraid of their bi-polar owners. And dogs that know better than to mix it up. And a bird who is quiet as my fucking head is pounding with the pain!
I'll use my new SOBER TOOLS to deal with this venom. I was too sick to eat food. Okay that is an alarm right there. I love fucking food you idiots who think I don't. I'm crazy for all kinds of food, mostly my own. Again I'm apparently angry about that misconception too! And so many have spread that around. Fuck you, give me your chicken, pie and ice cream. (I won't get fat...but you will! Maybe you"re jealous...)
I did eat, which is a good sign. I honestly didn't want to, but yet I did. So, there is still some life left in this angry, unsettled soul.
It's early in the day which feels like a week. I'm working on it. I'm hoping I can make it. Please forgive me for what I say today, as I've got pain all over. I don't really mean to be mean.
Have a great day, and I hope you stay well. Laura Hart
Follow up to the last post, writhing in pain thru the night...
This was complicated
I know now what drove me mad, not having my animals, nor my neighbor's animals in a situation where I KNEW they were safe. As I spoke about, there was a day when I could no longer take the doctor dope, meaning pain pills, sleep aids, and even barbituates for my stomach. How much dope was I on? Enough to allow me to go crazy and lose control of my house and those whom I care for most: the animals.
The paramedics were first to judge...
Now that the pieces are falling together, I know that the paramedics came as my friend thought I would surely kill myself. Maybe. But I gave off all the signals so they did what they had to do. Those firemen and women came to my house and found a crazy person on the ground.
In my world I know I have an arm, meaning I can throw something with amazing accuracy, but I DO NOT think I threw the vitamins at a paramedic but rather out of frustration. He seemed to walk in the door at the wrong time. But that was IT for them. They were angry.
Honestly, if I wanted to hit them with vitamins or pelt them with rocks, I would have taken out an eye or something horrible, as they then dragged me away from my house and my animals. I hope that someone from the firehouse will read this and know I freaked out!
And so did they!
They were pissed and had the idea, which they told people, that I was simply crazy. But they also allowed, even after I begged that I had no one to take care of ALL THE ANIMALS IN MY CARE, me to be taken against my will. It's called a 5150, danger to self-danger to others. I was not so dangerous until this rope was tied to me. I remember, and I know they do too, I begged them to leave me and they would not even shut the door to my bird's room. Walter barked at them and tried to get them to stop. He knew.
But since a paramedic was hit (I say unintentionally again I could show them my aim if I intended: right in the mouth mutherfucker) they were angry and the police joined in to take down this fucking bitch. There was also concern that I wanted to be dead, but they lost their compassion as anger overtook their own reasoning. I know all of them care about animals, but not mine, and not after they were justified.
So, being held down, I asked over and over about my house and my animals. I went fucking crazy. You may as well have killed me as I was going to get home somehow.
That didn't happen either
It was a mistake, the vitamins, but those there assumed that I was dangerous. I then was held against my will and truly at that juncture I was made dangerous.
KVHD the hospital that never takes responsibility was up next. They again did not know what happened at my house, except what the paramedics said. So, now they too, were justified in doing what they had to to do, get me ready for shipment. They didn't have to listen, they didn't have to fucking care.
I became despondent because I could not leave, and wanted to die. I wanted to suffer as I knew my children or animals would. I begged them to listen but by this point I was just a psych case addicted to drugs, full of drugs, according to the toxicology test. That was another thing I was not allowed to pee by myself and had to endure a catheter. If you have never had one, let's say it's terrible and they know it.
But I was angry and would have endured anything to get home and out of there. No way, was their attitude. And I ran for a church where I again begged for help. Not even the church would believe me that I needed to get home. My friends did get there, but the police took me down the mountain and booked me, as the church gave me no asylum. I'm sure they were concerned, I DO REMEMBER NOW. God it hurts so bad to remember.
They had the reporter, the gadfly, the "crazy bitch" and now I would spend three weeks trying to get back to my responsibilities, my heart, my animals..I'm so despondent right now thinking of all of this.
You didn't even tell them, KVHD...
Though I spoke with a "friend" from the hospital today, he didn't really understand the situation as I could not remember, until now. He needs to know not only did I get treated like the plague by several staff, but I also did not get my records sent and never GOT ONE DOSE OF THYROID MEDICATION while I was gone.
What kind of ER does not acknowledge true medical issues such as what I'm going to explain here? I had my thyroid taken out via radiation in 2005, meaning there is no thyroid unless I take it. Instead of thyroid I was given anti-psychotics. This wasn't going to help as thyroid controls everything from heart rate to everything, trust me.
It can also mean psychotic symptoms as my natural mother had Grave's disease and her thyroid almost killed her. It's been a problem for me for years now, but no one, I mean no one took responsibility for it. I tried to tell someone but again, I was simply a crazy prisoner who tried to hurt a paramedic. I would never have hurt him and only respect what these people do in service to their communities.
But I also assaulted staff?
The CNO said I also assaulted staff at KVHD. This is strange as I usually don't do these things, but again, I was trying to get to my home and my animals. So, I am asking them to tell me what happened, and how much damage occurred, but they need to find out why they REACTED the way they did.
If the ER is to even stay open and care for people they have to ask themselves the same painful questions I am asking myself: what did I do that caused the problem? They thought they knew me, but as the CNO said, I had never acted like that before. "Oh, she's on drugs" or "she's a crazy bi-polar" or even "she's getting what she deserves...maybe?
I'll admit to my shit, but I know just from a few questions to staff such as the nurse who hit me with narcan, they don't admit things to themselves. They are happy to be in La La land it appears. That makes them dangerous to themselves and the community, in my mind, so let's 5150 them and see what happens...Kidding. I'm going to forgive you but also complain so that this is at least addressed in the future. Again, KVHD has a track record of NEVER addressing problems. Why I don't know.
Doctors are never wrong?
How could it be that doctors are never wrong. In my life I have had an injury from medication but the doctor would never, ever admit to being wrong. How does anyone live like that? Now it appears and I can remember Dr. Martin of KVHD ER fame. He was there and did nothing to help the situation. I've read the report and though it's full of suicidal cries for help no one including this doctor ever says I tried to get out because of the animals.
They ignored my heart ache. They were able to do this by justifying their own role: we are just preparing you for your trip from hell. It was and if they are true sadists they should know that I lost it, and was in such severe trauma that I thought I would come back and make sure I did all that was necessary to NEVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!
Off drugs, and out of my home, I was crazy in every way. I did not know what to do. Even after I told them, and five days later my friend called, I never got one thyroid pill. That is sick unto itself. They would NOT BELIEVE ME, and there was nothing I could do, but PRAY. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and finally I had to submit to the horror that I was not home. And it was out of my control whether I liked it or not.
I knew last week when I was set to get a blood test and could not follow thru that something GOD AWFUL had happened. Now the nightmare is staring me in the eyes: I'm cold sober and this is sobering.
I'm sorry you thought this...
Actually, I'm a kind person, insecure, too honest, too caring, but somehow my reputation proceeded me. I used to volunteer at nursing homes when I was a kid. I would go there and see the residents and when I found out that KVHD allowed their elderly patients to be abused, I fucking freaked out. I pinned down the administration and the board, and tried to make them answer. Again, KVHD doesn't answer to anyone...wait though, GOD WILL HAVE HIS TIME WITH YOU.
Just like me, GOD will have the moment when those who shut up, said nothing, acted in a mean way, will have to answer to these things. Tom, you stood at the door yawning at my pain. Shall we yawn at yours? No, because that is not how I do it. I'm going to forgive myself first as this has been so bad, MY ANIMALS WERE THE VICTIMS OF ALL OF US.
That's just great.
So, the story starts as I ruin my reputation by getting angry as former CEO, Pam Ott, pretends she is my victim and tries to go along until I hunt her down. But those who saw me at those meetings, those who would believe a doctor simply because of the title, those who would judge, did just that. I was the bad guy. I appeared to them as crazy. And even the families who have complaints as to what happened to their mothers and fathers in the KVHD skilled nursing facility are the "crazy ones."
Wrong! I've never seen so much DENIAL as I have with the situation between this hospital and this community. You are wrong, we have the right to be angry.
I've had several employees say, "what could I have done?" Umm, put your balls on and spoken up. But then they would have lost their job. Okay...
Who wants to be employed by Adolph Hitler? Oh, yeah, a nazi reference, but the truth hurts. I'm facing my truth and it's ugly. CAN YOU?
Finally they took me...
My reputation and the pseudo assault were the keys to starting this fire all over again. We all watched me go through the worst of the worst. I've aged ten years in a month, but I'm here to tell you: NO MORE! God how much more will these people do and never, ever, speak of their mistakes?
I have no choice but to forgive myself and need to warn others that this could happen to you too. If I don't learn, then what could happen here? I could use my anger, which is big, and hurt you back. However, it appears Karma is catching up to us all. I have to let God deal with you and focus on my health, something positive. Oh yeah, just before this happened, I had realized that the best revenge is MY SUCCESS.
I'll have to go with that right now and pray on it. Otherwise, please don't do this to anyone else. Some people are not as resilient as I am, and this would kill any regular spirit. Mine wishes only for compassion, and if you who may read this, at KVHD, or at CRF, or anyone in between, please, some understanding would help. I know that my anger was not against them, but angry at the world. Angry that I had doctor dope so much so that I would lie. I'm not into lying, I'm sadly, painfully, very much about the truth.
The truth hurts...
Doctors who prescribe things and friends who ask for the drugs don't help. We all need to get better, and sometimes we do need medications. But come on' doctors and nurses, you know who is a junkie and who is not. I became a junkie as I had access to the strongest stuff in the world. My former doctor whom I left for the drugs, told me, he was not comfortable providing them. He was right. He only recently realized that marijuana, though still an excuse, was better than watching people on benzo's and opiates.
He left the area, and he was afraid of me. I have a blog where he is named as a bad guy. Boy do things change! He was the only one with a conscience I guess. I'm sorry Dr. Nadler, I didn't realize. But again, he wasn't perfect, he was right on the mark about this issue though. I hope he learns as he lives and brings more compassion, as he could be an arrogant ass too! Just like me.
I would like an apology...
I may as well say I would like to win the lottery, as an apology from KVHD or otherwise, is likely not coming. What we needed was communication and on my part there was anger. They also had anger, and we fucking clashed.
Everything was triggered in me. I'm a light show of fucking emotion. But at least I can sleep. I think I'll even take a morning nap. That is because I know I was wrong and admit it. Can they? Let's see what happens and I'll get back to you.
Take care and have a good day. Laura Hart (my heart aches with these memories)
I know now what drove me mad, not having my animals, nor my neighbor's animals in a situation where I KNEW they were safe. As I spoke about, there was a day when I could no longer take the doctor dope, meaning pain pills, sleep aids, and even barbituates for my stomach. How much dope was I on? Enough to allow me to go crazy and lose control of my house and those whom I care for most: the animals.
The paramedics were first to judge...
Now that the pieces are falling together, I know that the paramedics came as my friend thought I would surely kill myself. Maybe. But I gave off all the signals so they did what they had to do. Those firemen and women came to my house and found a crazy person on the ground.
In my world I know I have an arm, meaning I can throw something with amazing accuracy, but I DO NOT think I threw the vitamins at a paramedic but rather out of frustration. He seemed to walk in the door at the wrong time. But that was IT for them. They were angry.
Honestly, if I wanted to hit them with vitamins or pelt them with rocks, I would have taken out an eye or something horrible, as they then dragged me away from my house and my animals. I hope that someone from the firehouse will read this and know I freaked out!
And so did they!
They were pissed and had the idea, which they told people, that I was simply crazy. But they also allowed, even after I begged that I had no one to take care of ALL THE ANIMALS IN MY CARE, me to be taken against my will. It's called a 5150, danger to self-danger to others. I was not so dangerous until this rope was tied to me. I remember, and I know they do too, I begged them to leave me and they would not even shut the door to my bird's room. Walter barked at them and tried to get them to stop. He knew.
But since a paramedic was hit (I say unintentionally again I could show them my aim if I intended: right in the mouth mutherfucker) they were angry and the police joined in to take down this fucking bitch. There was also concern that I wanted to be dead, but they lost their compassion as anger overtook their own reasoning. I know all of them care about animals, but not mine, and not after they were justified.
So, being held down, I asked over and over about my house and my animals. I went fucking crazy. You may as well have killed me as I was going to get home somehow.
That didn't happen either
It was a mistake, the vitamins, but those there assumed that I was dangerous. I then was held against my will and truly at that juncture I was made dangerous.
KVHD the hospital that never takes responsibility was up next. They again did not know what happened at my house, except what the paramedics said. So, now they too, were justified in doing what they had to to do, get me ready for shipment. They didn't have to listen, they didn't have to fucking care.
I became despondent because I could not leave, and wanted to die. I wanted to suffer as I knew my children or animals would. I begged them to listen but by this point I was just a psych case addicted to drugs, full of drugs, according to the toxicology test. That was another thing I was not allowed to pee by myself and had to endure a catheter. If you have never had one, let's say it's terrible and they know it.
But I was angry and would have endured anything to get home and out of there. No way, was their attitude. And I ran for a church where I again begged for help. Not even the church would believe me that I needed to get home. My friends did get there, but the police took me down the mountain and booked me, as the church gave me no asylum. I'm sure they were concerned, I DO REMEMBER NOW. God it hurts so bad to remember.
They had the reporter, the gadfly, the "crazy bitch" and now I would spend three weeks trying to get back to my responsibilities, my heart, my animals..I'm so despondent right now thinking of all of this.
You didn't even tell them, KVHD...
Though I spoke with a "friend" from the hospital today, he didn't really understand the situation as I could not remember, until now. He needs to know not only did I get treated like the plague by several staff, but I also did not get my records sent and never GOT ONE DOSE OF THYROID MEDICATION while I was gone.
What kind of ER does not acknowledge true medical issues such as what I'm going to explain here? I had my thyroid taken out via radiation in 2005, meaning there is no thyroid unless I take it. Instead of thyroid I was given anti-psychotics. This wasn't going to help as thyroid controls everything from heart rate to everything, trust me.
It can also mean psychotic symptoms as my natural mother had Grave's disease and her thyroid almost killed her. It's been a problem for me for years now, but no one, I mean no one took responsibility for it. I tried to tell someone but again, I was simply a crazy prisoner who tried to hurt a paramedic. I would never have hurt him and only respect what these people do in service to their communities.
But I also assaulted staff?
The CNO said I also assaulted staff at KVHD. This is strange as I usually don't do these things, but again, I was trying to get to my home and my animals. So, I am asking them to tell me what happened, and how much damage occurred, but they need to find out why they REACTED the way they did.
If the ER is to even stay open and care for people they have to ask themselves the same painful questions I am asking myself: what did I do that caused the problem? They thought they knew me, but as the CNO said, I had never acted like that before. "Oh, she's on drugs" or "she's a crazy bi-polar" or even "she's getting what she deserves...maybe?
I'll admit to my shit, but I know just from a few questions to staff such as the nurse who hit me with narcan, they don't admit things to themselves. They are happy to be in La La land it appears. That makes them dangerous to themselves and the community, in my mind, so let's 5150 them and see what happens...Kidding. I'm going to forgive you but also complain so that this is at least addressed in the future. Again, KVHD has a track record of NEVER addressing problems. Why I don't know.
Doctors are never wrong?
How could it be that doctors are never wrong. In my life I have had an injury from medication but the doctor would never, ever admit to being wrong. How does anyone live like that? Now it appears and I can remember Dr. Martin of KVHD ER fame. He was there and did nothing to help the situation. I've read the report and though it's full of suicidal cries for help no one including this doctor ever says I tried to get out because of the animals.
They ignored my heart ache. They were able to do this by justifying their own role: we are just preparing you for your trip from hell. It was and if they are true sadists they should know that I lost it, and was in such severe trauma that I thought I would come back and make sure I did all that was necessary to NEVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!
Off drugs, and out of my home, I was crazy in every way. I did not know what to do. Even after I told them, and five days later my friend called, I never got one thyroid pill. That is sick unto itself. They would NOT BELIEVE ME, and there was nothing I could do, but PRAY. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and finally I had to submit to the horror that I was not home. And it was out of my control whether I liked it or not.
I knew last week when I was set to get a blood test and could not follow thru that something GOD AWFUL had happened. Now the nightmare is staring me in the eyes: I'm cold sober and this is sobering.
I'm sorry you thought this...
Actually, I'm a kind person, insecure, too honest, too caring, but somehow my reputation proceeded me. I used to volunteer at nursing homes when I was a kid. I would go there and see the residents and when I found out that KVHD allowed their elderly patients to be abused, I fucking freaked out. I pinned down the administration and the board, and tried to make them answer. Again, KVHD doesn't answer to anyone...wait though, GOD WILL HAVE HIS TIME WITH YOU.
Just like me, GOD will have the moment when those who shut up, said nothing, acted in a mean way, will have to answer to these things. Tom, you stood at the door yawning at my pain. Shall we yawn at yours? No, because that is not how I do it. I'm going to forgive myself first as this has been so bad, MY ANIMALS WERE THE VICTIMS OF ALL OF US.
That's just great.
So, the story starts as I ruin my reputation by getting angry as former CEO, Pam Ott, pretends she is my victim and tries to go along until I hunt her down. But those who saw me at those meetings, those who would believe a doctor simply because of the title, those who would judge, did just that. I was the bad guy. I appeared to them as crazy. And even the families who have complaints as to what happened to their mothers and fathers in the KVHD skilled nursing facility are the "crazy ones."
Wrong! I've never seen so much DENIAL as I have with the situation between this hospital and this community. You are wrong, we have the right to be angry.
I've had several employees say, "what could I have done?" Umm, put your balls on and spoken up. But then they would have lost their job. Okay...
Who wants to be employed by Adolph Hitler? Oh, yeah, a nazi reference, but the truth hurts. I'm facing my truth and it's ugly. CAN YOU?
Finally they took me...
My reputation and the pseudo assault were the keys to starting this fire all over again. We all watched me go through the worst of the worst. I've aged ten years in a month, but I'm here to tell you: NO MORE! God how much more will these people do and never, ever, speak of their mistakes?
I have no choice but to forgive myself and need to warn others that this could happen to you too. If I don't learn, then what could happen here? I could use my anger, which is big, and hurt you back. However, it appears Karma is catching up to us all. I have to let God deal with you and focus on my health, something positive. Oh yeah, just before this happened, I had realized that the best revenge is MY SUCCESS.
I'll have to go with that right now and pray on it. Otherwise, please don't do this to anyone else. Some people are not as resilient as I am, and this would kill any regular spirit. Mine wishes only for compassion, and if you who may read this, at KVHD, or at CRF, or anyone in between, please, some understanding would help. I know that my anger was not against them, but angry at the world. Angry that I had doctor dope so much so that I would lie. I'm not into lying, I'm sadly, painfully, very much about the truth.
The truth hurts...
Doctors who prescribe things and friends who ask for the drugs don't help. We all need to get better, and sometimes we do need medications. But come on' doctors and nurses, you know who is a junkie and who is not. I became a junkie as I had access to the strongest stuff in the world. My former doctor whom I left for the drugs, told me, he was not comfortable providing them. He was right. He only recently realized that marijuana, though still an excuse, was better than watching people on benzo's and opiates.
He left the area, and he was afraid of me. I have a blog where he is named as a bad guy. Boy do things change! He was the only one with a conscience I guess. I'm sorry Dr. Nadler, I didn't realize. But again, he wasn't perfect, he was right on the mark about this issue though. I hope he learns as he lives and brings more compassion, as he could be an arrogant ass too! Just like me.
I would like an apology...
I may as well say I would like to win the lottery, as an apology from KVHD or otherwise, is likely not coming. What we needed was communication and on my part there was anger. They also had anger, and we fucking clashed.
Everything was triggered in me. I'm a light show of fucking emotion. But at least I can sleep. I think I'll even take a morning nap. That is because I know I was wrong and admit it. Can they? Let's see what happens and I'll get back to you.
Take care and have a good day. Laura Hart (my heart aches with these memories)
Writhing my way thru the night...
Oh fuck what did I do?
I feel terrible about what happened now that I remember. To the hospital, the psych ward, the cops: MY ANIMALS WERE :LEFT ALONE!
One thing I care about more than anything in the world are my animals, SKY, WALTER, and my cat, PATCHES. On November 9, while I freaked and fretted about my drugs, these guys were left alone at my house with no one to attend to them. Not only that but at the time I had my neighbor's dogs too.
Shit, I fucked up. The paremedics and police thought they were doing the right thing by taking me away. They didn't know my animals were left to take care of themselves. I think I did though.
And THAT IS WHY I FOUGHT YOU SO HARD !!!!
That is also why I ran away. Initially, I thought it was that there were other issues such as the catheter forced on me because I couldn't pee for the doctors and nurses. Yes, that brought up the memories of abuse from the past too, but I WANTED TO GET HOME TO MY ANIMALS!
Here's your responsibility: YOU DIDN"T LISTEN. Maybe some of you have animals and others have children. These are my children and I fucking blew it. My bird eats every seed of her food. That never happened before this tragic event. My dog Walter worries every day. The cat knows she can survive, but she is still my house cat. They all deserve much care and sympathy, and now I know.
Sometimes we misinterpret what happens and when you took me away I would have done anything to get back. But you basically trapped me. I had to give in to God that they would be all right. You medicated me and pretended that it was the right thing to do. It was not. You could have listened. Finally, I think maybe someone realized at the jail that I had animals at home and needed to get home!
I'm so clean I would never allow you to give me medicine. I kicked all the drugs there too! I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. It was a mess I created and now I have to say I feel guilty and horrible: but there is nothing I can do now. I MUST FORGIVE MYSELF.
If I think back to all the things I've done, this is the worst by far. I hurt my innocent animals. They are so forgiving, they just want me to ACT RIGHT. And that is the only thing I can give them in return for their ride from hell.
The hospital staff just did their jobs...
KVHD didn't know and simply went about packaging the "psych" for my 5150. I'm sure some of them have responsibilities they could not just be dragged from. So, as I say, it's never one sided, we all could have done better.
And after KVHD hit me with Narcan early in the year, making me seriously afraid, I can imagine I freaked out on them. I needed to get home, they needed urine, which they drained from me. I hated them for what happened with the narcan, making me scream, and hurting me for no reason. That came from Dr. Evil, who is no longer there. But an affable nurse carried out his orders and when asked today, never even apologized.
What a disappointment.
IT WAS NOT JUST ME!
I guess no one else will take responsibility, and I can't make them. That was part of my reason to threaten to sue last year, I simply wanted them to admit to what they did. Nobody seems to admit to their failures therefore we all have to suffer again and again.
Don't think that KVHD ER is simply a safe place. My friend is pissed that I think all medical staff are bad. I really don't, but she thinks they are ALL all right. Either way, there are individuals who fuck things up, and that is the reality.
I knew there were emotions right under the surface as I became depressed and angry yesterday. I was sensitive to sounds and yelling about this or that.
Then I had to test it out and take action before it took me for another hell ride. Now I know basically why I was depressed: THINGS GOT VERY FUCKED UP AND OUT OF MY CONTROL!
My animals, my neighbor, are owed an apology for what happened. Even though it was a partnership where we all fucked up, I was the one who got in such bad shape that I needed medical help. I kicked out ALL YOUR DOCTOR DOPE and my POT and CIGARETTES TOO. It hurt like hell as I writhed in jail, on a little mattress, with a weird cover over me.
But that is done and now those who think I am crazy on drugs: I'm SQUEAKY FUCKING CLEAN. Don't you dare say I don't have the grit to handle my life. I went thru it and would rather never go there again.
So JUST FOR TODAY I will forgive myself for the past, keep my emotions open and use them, not shut them down. I'll pray that the universe understands I would have eaten you all alive to get back home to my responsibilities: the four legged ones. I can't change what you did to me and I know it was a reaction. I have to forgive us all.
Holding on to this would likely cause another suicide attempt which would be ironic. I'm working to better my life, and for WALTER THE BOXER, SKY THE BIRD AND PATCHES THE CAT. Trust me they deserve better than me. But they have me and we will work things out.
My friends will either understand or not. I can't even imagine what there is to learn, today. It scares me and makes me hopeful at the same time. I know God took care of us all. Maybe we are skinnier than before this, but we are still alive to make a better day.
Please have a good day and forgive yourself as there is nothing else you can do. Laura Hart
I feel terrible about what happened now that I remember. To the hospital, the psych ward, the cops: MY ANIMALS WERE :LEFT ALONE!
One thing I care about more than anything in the world are my animals, SKY, WALTER, and my cat, PATCHES. On November 9, while I freaked and fretted about my drugs, these guys were left alone at my house with no one to attend to them. Not only that but at the time I had my neighbor's dogs too.
Shit, I fucked up. The paremedics and police thought they were doing the right thing by taking me away. They didn't know my animals were left to take care of themselves. I think I did though.
And THAT IS WHY I FOUGHT YOU SO HARD !!!!
That is also why I ran away. Initially, I thought it was that there were other issues such as the catheter forced on me because I couldn't pee for the doctors and nurses. Yes, that brought up the memories of abuse from the past too, but I WANTED TO GET HOME TO MY ANIMALS!
Here's your responsibility: YOU DIDN"T LISTEN. Maybe some of you have animals and others have children. These are my children and I fucking blew it. My bird eats every seed of her food. That never happened before this tragic event. My dog Walter worries every day. The cat knows she can survive, but she is still my house cat. They all deserve much care and sympathy, and now I know.
Sometimes we misinterpret what happens and when you took me away I would have done anything to get back. But you basically trapped me. I had to give in to God that they would be all right. You medicated me and pretended that it was the right thing to do. It was not. You could have listened. Finally, I think maybe someone realized at the jail that I had animals at home and needed to get home!
I'm so clean I would never allow you to give me medicine. I kicked all the drugs there too! I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. It was a mess I created and now I have to say I feel guilty and horrible: but there is nothing I can do now. I MUST FORGIVE MYSELF.
If I think back to all the things I've done, this is the worst by far. I hurt my innocent animals. They are so forgiving, they just want me to ACT RIGHT. And that is the only thing I can give them in return for their ride from hell.
The hospital staff just did their jobs...
KVHD didn't know and simply went about packaging the "psych" for my 5150. I'm sure some of them have responsibilities they could not just be dragged from. So, as I say, it's never one sided, we all could have done better.
And after KVHD hit me with Narcan early in the year, making me seriously afraid, I can imagine I freaked out on them. I needed to get home, they needed urine, which they drained from me. I hated them for what happened with the narcan, making me scream, and hurting me for no reason. That came from Dr. Evil, who is no longer there. But an affable nurse carried out his orders and when asked today, never even apologized.
What a disappointment.
IT WAS NOT JUST ME!
I guess no one else will take responsibility, and I can't make them. That was part of my reason to threaten to sue last year, I simply wanted them to admit to what they did. Nobody seems to admit to their failures therefore we all have to suffer again and again.
Don't think that KVHD ER is simply a safe place. My friend is pissed that I think all medical staff are bad. I really don't, but she thinks they are ALL all right. Either way, there are individuals who fuck things up, and that is the reality.
I knew there were emotions right under the surface as I became depressed and angry yesterday. I was sensitive to sounds and yelling about this or that.
Then I had to test it out and take action before it took me for another hell ride. Now I know basically why I was depressed: THINGS GOT VERY FUCKED UP AND OUT OF MY CONTROL!
My animals, my neighbor, are owed an apology for what happened. Even though it was a partnership where we all fucked up, I was the one who got in such bad shape that I needed medical help. I kicked out ALL YOUR DOCTOR DOPE and my POT and CIGARETTES TOO. It hurt like hell as I writhed in jail, on a little mattress, with a weird cover over me.
But that is done and now those who think I am crazy on drugs: I'm SQUEAKY FUCKING CLEAN. Don't you dare say I don't have the grit to handle my life. I went thru it and would rather never go there again.
So JUST FOR TODAY I will forgive myself for the past, keep my emotions open and use them, not shut them down. I'll pray that the universe understands I would have eaten you all alive to get back home to my responsibilities: the four legged ones. I can't change what you did to me and I know it was a reaction. I have to forgive us all.
Holding on to this would likely cause another suicide attempt which would be ironic. I'm working to better my life, and for WALTER THE BOXER, SKY THE BIRD AND PATCHES THE CAT. Trust me they deserve better than me. But they have me and we will work things out.
My friends will either understand or not. I can't even imagine what there is to learn, today. It scares me and makes me hopeful at the same time. I know God took care of us all. Maybe we are skinnier than before this, but we are still alive to make a better day.
Please have a good day and forgive yourself as there is nothing else you can do. Laura Hart
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I'm trying so hard to change...let go dammit!
I've got white knuckles!
Eek, I'm driving people crazy and I finally have some idea what happened on or around November 8th of this year. Oh Scooter (God) I feel so guilty and horrible when I think I allowed this shit to happen.
But I go to another NA meeting and I feel better, or worse. I'm working hard which isn't exactly allowing God or Scooter to do it for me. Faith will happen once I know what kind of crap I'm dealing with.
I left in a real mood...
It's never fun to be in a bad mood. I knew the feeling had taken over so I had to make a move to address it. I've at the least recognized not to allow my emotions to be buried in drugs and alcohol. But that isn't enough. My emotions were buried period.
Yes, it's easier to say something fake than something real. Yes, it's easier to pretend to get along than to be myself and get along.
For me it's tougher to do those things and I don't want a cloud of smoke to choke me again. I tell it like it is for now. Soon I realized that I also can tell good or beneficial truths too. It is up to the recipient to gain an understanding for themselves.
Why can't I make people understand?
People will understand only what they can. Forcing them to see things wastes time and energy. I can't be forced either into accepting things that I don't want.
I've got so much to learn, and I've only been sober a short time. The NA folks are so nice about it and some have decades of clean time. I feel like I'm a novice who can't shut the fuck up. I guess I am! LOL
I'll do better and better the more I rely on Scooter and stay in the moment. Right now there is effort where someday it will come natural.
I can only heal myself, not worrying about those who are "STUCK." My prayers go out to those who can't see themselves. I was there.
Have a good night, and God willing, we can talk in the morning. Laura Hart
Eek, I'm driving people crazy and I finally have some idea what happened on or around November 8th of this year. Oh Scooter (God) I feel so guilty and horrible when I think I allowed this shit to happen.
But I go to another NA meeting and I feel better, or worse. I'm working hard which isn't exactly allowing God or Scooter to do it for me. Faith will happen once I know what kind of crap I'm dealing with.
I left in a real mood...
It's never fun to be in a bad mood. I knew the feeling had taken over so I had to make a move to address it. I've at the least recognized not to allow my emotions to be buried in drugs and alcohol. But that isn't enough. My emotions were buried period.
Yes, it's easier to say something fake than something real. Yes, it's easier to pretend to get along than to be myself and get along.
For me it's tougher to do those things and I don't want a cloud of smoke to choke me again. I tell it like it is for now. Soon I realized that I also can tell good or beneficial truths too. It is up to the recipient to gain an understanding for themselves.
Why can't I make people understand?
People will understand only what they can. Forcing them to see things wastes time and energy. I can't be forced either into accepting things that I don't want.
I've got so much to learn, and I've only been sober a short time. The NA folks are so nice about it and some have decades of clean time. I feel like I'm a novice who can't shut the fuck up. I guess I am! LOL
I'll do better and better the more I rely on Scooter and stay in the moment. Right now there is effort where someday it will come natural.
I can only heal myself, not worrying about those who are "STUCK." My prayers go out to those who can't see themselves. I was there.
Have a good night, and God willing, we can talk in the morning. Laura Hart
Another day, more lessons learned...
Ahh, I feel better after getting that out...now back to work
Though I am a crappy writer and my sentence structure weak, I still want to get to work and finish my books. I also have other unfinished business with certain types in the god awful Kern River Valley.
Having made the decision: Yuck, this town sucks, I need to leave, now I'm ready to conclude my business.
Yes, it was a tough day, all brutally angry about nothing. Also scared of the dark and all my childhood dreads. Screw it! That's over and now I'm ready to get on with it.
Some may say I'm moving too fast, but they may not be sober and reliable. Sadly, I may lose friends because I've decided to be sober and to do what I want to do. It is not easy but I can't have my friends who may not even realize they have their own problems, tell me to take psych meds!
Good God did she really say that?
She did and I in turn dished some truth back at her which didn't sit well. I had at least two people hang up the phone on me yesterday as, BABY, THE TRUTH HURTS!
I'm a bi-polar, not an idiot, thank you. And life has it's ups and downs along the way. So fucking what? You don't have to be a manic/depressive, as people use to call us, to have these different levels of living. I'm sure you, fair reader, must experience some MADNESS too.
Oh, there are those who won't admit to this and like to try and change us. FUCK YOU FRAIDY CAT!
I'm a bit manic, but not out of control!
Just when you think to count us out, and I mean us, the bi-polar reporter too, you will be surprised. The reporter wants to correct everything. Not that I will let her. I have more control now that I realize what characters I have created.
Today offers a new chance to use the reporter for the good. Yesterday I thought I may have to use drugs to control my unknown anger...but I didn't. I attacked but did not do damage. AWESOME! I am proud I leashed the "seek and destroy" character as it really doesn't have much relevance in my life to destroy for the sake of some crazy anger.
Now the reporter surfaced later in the day and we corrected a problem with our neighbor. He left his dog run our neighborhood for too long. I chased the dog home in my car and his owner, the nitwit, waved at me indicating he was thankful for the return of his dog.
I bit my tongue, and signaled with my hand that he needed to come to my car to hear more. He really didn't want to but obliged as I waited. First, let me say, that I don't like him. Why? Because again sometimes people are a pain. This contractor, religious, woman hating, type ditched my Father and I several years ago when we needed a roof put on.
Now he cannot even think that we don't want his fucking dog in our trash at night or opening the gates. This dumb dog, not his fault, aggressed my pooch Walter. I don't like it! Nobody fucks with Walter the most awesome dog in the land. But it's the owner, not the dog, I take issue with.
This dumb ass says, "call animal control," and I quickly respond, "I already did." But I had to tell him you're being a rude neighbor by allowing this. We have all tried to be nice. Fuck nice! It doesn't work as this guy eventually said we need to secure our gates as his doggy gets out sometimes and it is out of his control.
Listen he actually has a dog run. Yet, we the victims of his unneutered male, pissing machine, must secure our gates. I don't think so, and animal control will be called so he gets a ticket a week if necessary. Hopefully, this freak will get the message. I like his dog, I think he's a dick.
The Animal Control officer did call me back and suggested that I continue to call them and make complaints, until this irresponsible owner makes sure his dog, and not my fence, stays closed. I WILL!
Don't bother others unless they want you to...
I can't make people do anything. I may see routes of action but people have to do their part. I'm doing mine by staying sober, focusing on my interests, goals, and when I interfere I may make others unhappy.
It's tough to listen to the same story about how someone hurt, bullied and eventually took financial advantage of my friends. They constantly fear this or they are making threats. But dammit, they never follow through. I can't listen to it anymore. It's that simple.
Now I see it! As the song goes, "I was blind but now I see."
What I need and want is a good editor. If only a person existed who believed in this writer, but I'll find him or her eventually. I do believe in me, heck I'm my biggest, and maybe only fan! Hooray for me, as I'm free to do what I want.
Oh, Scooter, tell me again: what do I want? I'm kidding, somewhere deep down, I know EXACTLY what I want. And I am on track to getting it.
I feel scared that my friends seem to be upset with me. But I have to face they may only be fair weather friends. New friends who can accept me are in order. I'll know soon enough who can stand me and all my personalities. (She's so crazy and we are not...LOL)
So, think of me when you fuck up today, and know I do it all the time, and goddammit, I enjoy it! Tell someone off and create a better space for yourself, and the bi-polar reporter will rest easy that she doesn't have to work on your behalf.
I've got animals who need attention and a house to clean. Good luck to all with anger and pain...God it's great! Laura Hart (yeah, it's me)
Though I am a crappy writer and my sentence structure weak, I still want to get to work and finish my books. I also have other unfinished business with certain types in the god awful Kern River Valley.
Having made the decision: Yuck, this town sucks, I need to leave, now I'm ready to conclude my business.
Yes, it was a tough day, all brutally angry about nothing. Also scared of the dark and all my childhood dreads. Screw it! That's over and now I'm ready to get on with it.
Some may say I'm moving too fast, but they may not be sober and reliable. Sadly, I may lose friends because I've decided to be sober and to do what I want to do. It is not easy but I can't have my friends who may not even realize they have their own problems, tell me to take psych meds!
Good God did she really say that?
She did and I in turn dished some truth back at her which didn't sit well. I had at least two people hang up the phone on me yesterday as, BABY, THE TRUTH HURTS!
I'm a bi-polar, not an idiot, thank you. And life has it's ups and downs along the way. So fucking what? You don't have to be a manic/depressive, as people use to call us, to have these different levels of living. I'm sure you, fair reader, must experience some MADNESS too.
Oh, there are those who won't admit to this and like to try and change us. FUCK YOU FRAIDY CAT!
I'm a bit manic, but not out of control!
Just when you think to count us out, and I mean us, the bi-polar reporter too, you will be surprised. The reporter wants to correct everything. Not that I will let her. I have more control now that I realize what characters I have created.
Today offers a new chance to use the reporter for the good. Yesterday I thought I may have to use drugs to control my unknown anger...but I didn't. I attacked but did not do damage. AWESOME! I am proud I leashed the "seek and destroy" character as it really doesn't have much relevance in my life to destroy for the sake of some crazy anger.
Now the reporter surfaced later in the day and we corrected a problem with our neighbor. He left his dog run our neighborhood for too long. I chased the dog home in my car and his owner, the nitwit, waved at me indicating he was thankful for the return of his dog.
I bit my tongue, and signaled with my hand that he needed to come to my car to hear more. He really didn't want to but obliged as I waited. First, let me say, that I don't like him. Why? Because again sometimes people are a pain. This contractor, religious, woman hating, type ditched my Father and I several years ago when we needed a roof put on.
Now he cannot even think that we don't want his fucking dog in our trash at night or opening the gates. This dumb dog, not his fault, aggressed my pooch Walter. I don't like it! Nobody fucks with Walter the most awesome dog in the land. But it's the owner, not the dog, I take issue with.
This dumb ass says, "call animal control," and I quickly respond, "I already did." But I had to tell him you're being a rude neighbor by allowing this. We have all tried to be nice. Fuck nice! It doesn't work as this guy eventually said we need to secure our gates as his doggy gets out sometimes and it is out of his control.
Listen he actually has a dog run. Yet, we the victims of his unneutered male, pissing machine, must secure our gates. I don't think so, and animal control will be called so he gets a ticket a week if necessary. Hopefully, this freak will get the message. I like his dog, I think he's a dick.
The Animal Control officer did call me back and suggested that I continue to call them and make complaints, until this irresponsible owner makes sure his dog, and not my fence, stays closed. I WILL!
Don't bother others unless they want you to...
I can't make people do anything. I may see routes of action but people have to do their part. I'm doing mine by staying sober, focusing on my interests, goals, and when I interfere I may make others unhappy.
It's tough to listen to the same story about how someone hurt, bullied and eventually took financial advantage of my friends. They constantly fear this or they are making threats. But dammit, they never follow through. I can't listen to it anymore. It's that simple.
Now I see it! As the song goes, "I was blind but now I see."
What I need and want is a good editor. If only a person existed who believed in this writer, but I'll find him or her eventually. I do believe in me, heck I'm my biggest, and maybe only fan! Hooray for me, as I'm free to do what I want.
Oh, Scooter, tell me again: what do I want? I'm kidding, somewhere deep down, I know EXACTLY what I want. And I am on track to getting it.
I feel scared that my friends seem to be upset with me. But I have to face they may only be fair weather friends. New friends who can accept me are in order. I'll know soon enough who can stand me and all my personalities. (She's so crazy and we are not...LOL)
So, think of me when you fuck up today, and know I do it all the time, and goddammit, I enjoy it! Tell someone off and create a better space for yourself, and the bi-polar reporter will rest easy that she doesn't have to work on your behalf.
I've got animals who need attention and a house to clean. Good luck to all with anger and pain...God it's great! Laura Hart (yeah, it's me)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Please do no damage...
Since I went back to sleep
Okay, the garbageman must be suicidal as he has not left my street and the very sound of his truck is irritating me. One more time and he will be stuffed in my trash can for good!
This is what I'm dealing with this morning: the worst of my worst. It's irritated, wants to hurt someone, and when it does I will definitely want to hurt myself. The circle of life. I hurt someone, or myself, then feel guilty, then I begin to believe with certainty I don't deserve to live.
It all started with wanting to cry
I could not cry this morning. Or I felt it would be whiny and weak to cry. Next thing I know this set upon me: pain and misery. I guess I never felt permission to cry ever in my life. I had to cover it up.
Well, this is what you get after too long a time of not crying normally: a maniac of unknown proportion. I know this feeling it's overwhelming. It has sarcasm the reporter could not or would not even like. I feel terrible that this is here. I'm already guilty and all I did so far is go after a loser counselor. Just adding the word loser means I'm still in this.
If I cry it seems so futile. Like there's a whole lake of tears I have not shed. How could I possibly remedy or satisfy the blood lust of this thing? God, I don't know. I'm afraid to go out. I would rather have the flu or pretend I do. I know in the past I would make excuses and not go or do anything. But today is my new day and I don't want this anymore.
How they hell do I get rid of it?
That's the biggest question of them all. If I were not into this sobriety thing I would hit this fucker with some big drugs. I would not use alcohol...no fucking way! I would likely smoke pot and feel great. It would take this down and fast.
Then I would never know what this is would I? I have to try and endure this somehow and figure out what it needs so it can be dealt with. Sleep didn't help, in fact it hurt. I'm in pain from head to toe because I had previously not slept. And this thing is loose. It wants blood and revenge.
Okay, stop, think, and what?
Maybe I should hit this with drugs...woops I have no drugs. Not that I could not get them. Okay, I resolve to resolve this without drugs. Oh no, it's going to be bad. I'm scared to death. I have no control over this one. I would even think the reporter would be a better bet than this.
One thing not to do: go anywhere I'm triggered. I have to HALT and remain calm in this storm of storms. I would like anesthesia or something. This is my fucking PAIN! And it wants out and about.
Not on my watch!
No more tragedy and hurt. I can't let this go on anymore and it has to be within my power. Right now my dog psychiatrist is laying on the couch ready to be beaten or at least yelled at. He knows this thing. And the bird who started to bitch, shut up quickly, as I shouted at her. The cat is out, she's a little shit.
Now, I have to get something done today. I have to do something, but I really feel so out of it, I'm not sure what that is. I do know that a meeting of AA would be a great place to become inflamed and disliked immediately. These people do not want to see this. They have their own addict behaviors they have not dealt with.
For some reason these NA and AA folks think that sobriety is the only game in town. It is to a degree, but then there's the horrible reality that you have MUCH MORE SHIT going on than drug use. The real work is under that sober exterior. That is why I can't be just an addict. I'm also addicted to the pain.
Letting go of the pain for the day...
Hmm, maybe if I could just let this go for the day, I wonder what that would do? Or I could just endure biting my tongue. Or I could call and complain about this idiot counselor, which again would do no good. I have other targets in mind to hit with my scathing sarcastic, smart bombs, who have eyes of their own. I could definitely hurt anyone right now.
But the goal for today...keep it in check. Then later return for another peek and hope I can turn it from destructive to constructive.
Nobody call me, I'm not a good person right now. I will hurt you then turn and hurt me. I must write to my Father and tell him NOT to call. I might again begin to threaten them all. Or I might tell the truth which would be equally as alarming. I can't help that his former wife, my mother, and the crazy old bitch who raised her, were child molesters in their own right. Then there were others as my life became out of control sexually.
Not just a drug addict, as I said in other posts, a sex addict and food addict. Right now I hate all food other than mine. I was a freak about how my food was prepared and by whom. And I had to live off of ice cream. I really want some ice cream right now.
Good luck to me. I hope I learn a lot today. I want to deal with the biggest mess: my fucked up emotions. They are truly fucked up and know no bounds. I'm hurt, I felt abandoned by my Father, angry at the bitches, hate my judgmental stepmother, and now it extends to anyone who has ever slighted me.
This is fun. If you can't call, which you shouldn't, please just pray for me. I have 50 years of pain to deal with, and I should have just cried...maybe it would not be as bad. Oh yes it would!
Have a fucked day and make it better. Or just a nice day, mutherfuckers. Oh shit, I'm sorry. Have a great day from the misery of me...Laura Hart (?)
Okay, the garbageman must be suicidal as he has not left my street and the very sound of his truck is irritating me. One more time and he will be stuffed in my trash can for good!
This is what I'm dealing with this morning: the worst of my worst. It's irritated, wants to hurt someone, and when it does I will definitely want to hurt myself. The circle of life. I hurt someone, or myself, then feel guilty, then I begin to believe with certainty I don't deserve to live.
It all started with wanting to cry
I could not cry this morning. Or I felt it would be whiny and weak to cry. Next thing I know this set upon me: pain and misery. I guess I never felt permission to cry ever in my life. I had to cover it up.
Well, this is what you get after too long a time of not crying normally: a maniac of unknown proportion. I know this feeling it's overwhelming. It has sarcasm the reporter could not or would not even like. I feel terrible that this is here. I'm already guilty and all I did so far is go after a loser counselor. Just adding the word loser means I'm still in this.
If I cry it seems so futile. Like there's a whole lake of tears I have not shed. How could I possibly remedy or satisfy the blood lust of this thing? God, I don't know. I'm afraid to go out. I would rather have the flu or pretend I do. I know in the past I would make excuses and not go or do anything. But today is my new day and I don't want this anymore.
How they hell do I get rid of it?
That's the biggest question of them all. If I were not into this sobriety thing I would hit this fucker with some big drugs. I would not use alcohol...no fucking way! I would likely smoke pot and feel great. It would take this down and fast.
Then I would never know what this is would I? I have to try and endure this somehow and figure out what it needs so it can be dealt with. Sleep didn't help, in fact it hurt. I'm in pain from head to toe because I had previously not slept. And this thing is loose. It wants blood and revenge.
Okay, stop, think, and what?
Maybe I should hit this with drugs...woops I have no drugs. Not that I could not get them. Okay, I resolve to resolve this without drugs. Oh no, it's going to be bad. I'm scared to death. I have no control over this one. I would even think the reporter would be a better bet than this.
One thing not to do: go anywhere I'm triggered. I have to HALT and remain calm in this storm of storms. I would like anesthesia or something. This is my fucking PAIN! And it wants out and about.
Not on my watch!
No more tragedy and hurt. I can't let this go on anymore and it has to be within my power. Right now my dog psychiatrist is laying on the couch ready to be beaten or at least yelled at. He knows this thing. And the bird who started to bitch, shut up quickly, as I shouted at her. The cat is out, she's a little shit.
Now, I have to get something done today. I have to do something, but I really feel so out of it, I'm not sure what that is. I do know that a meeting of AA would be a great place to become inflamed and disliked immediately. These people do not want to see this. They have their own addict behaviors they have not dealt with.
For some reason these NA and AA folks think that sobriety is the only game in town. It is to a degree, but then there's the horrible reality that you have MUCH MORE SHIT going on than drug use. The real work is under that sober exterior. That is why I can't be just an addict. I'm also addicted to the pain.
Letting go of the pain for the day...
Hmm, maybe if I could just let this go for the day, I wonder what that would do? Or I could just endure biting my tongue. Or I could call and complain about this idiot counselor, which again would do no good. I have other targets in mind to hit with my scathing sarcastic, smart bombs, who have eyes of their own. I could definitely hurt anyone right now.
But the goal for today...keep it in check. Then later return for another peek and hope I can turn it from destructive to constructive.
Nobody call me, I'm not a good person right now. I will hurt you then turn and hurt me. I must write to my Father and tell him NOT to call. I might again begin to threaten them all. Or I might tell the truth which would be equally as alarming. I can't help that his former wife, my mother, and the crazy old bitch who raised her, were child molesters in their own right. Then there were others as my life became out of control sexually.
Not just a drug addict, as I said in other posts, a sex addict and food addict. Right now I hate all food other than mine. I was a freak about how my food was prepared and by whom. And I had to live off of ice cream. I really want some ice cream right now.
Good luck to me. I hope I learn a lot today. I want to deal with the biggest mess: my fucked up emotions. They are truly fucked up and know no bounds. I'm hurt, I felt abandoned by my Father, angry at the bitches, hate my judgmental stepmother, and now it extends to anyone who has ever slighted me.
This is fun. If you can't call, which you shouldn't, please just pray for me. I have 50 years of pain to deal with, and I should have just cried...maybe it would not be as bad. Oh yes it would!
Have a fucked day and make it better. Or just a nice day, mutherfuckers. Oh shit, I'm sorry. Have a great day from the misery of me...Laura Hart (?)
Split pea soup...
Angry in the morning
I guess I have another angry personality, if you even want to call it that. It's raw anger set upon hurting me and hurting others. I thought the reporter was bad, this is really bad. It's the destruction.
Here's how the night went: I got some fucking sleep. I don't know how but I slept for a while, and it actually hurts more now. When I woke up I wanted to cry. Then I stopped immediately! I thought of this crisis counselor I've had the displeasure of speaking with and he had been on the phone while I was crying. He gave me some shit about my crying so I ASSUMED he was somehow against crying. My Father did not care about me when I would cry. That would be too much.
Plus my Mother or whatever she was, cried only to manipulate. She had an agenda for her tears. I was simply thinking crying would be better than the other which is damage and ruin. I guess I'm right. But I had to have this experience so I would know there's another one of us, hurt, pissed off, and ready to destroy everything and everyone in her path. Fuck him! I called to see if this B grade counselor or whatever his is was available. Fuck if he didn't answer. I told him thanks for the fucked up advice about crying. He insists all that he said was what good was crying going to do.
Hmm, let's see, it will keep me from dealing with the angry fuck that's about to tell you off. Then I told him off. He's an idiot. A fuckhead who thinks his volunteer work with the crisis hotline is somehow a SUCCESS. Ha ha, ha, ha ha, you are the most idiotic person I have ever met...today. Okay, he did say that I could cry, but got on about why. He said that "I don't know" is an excuse. I know that fucking piss ant. I can't quite tell you why I want to cry other than I have a storehouse of pain. Is that enough you D student with an attitude? He's not of course ever going to read this so I don't know why I even wrote it.
I told him what a jerk he was about telling me to create a "life plan." Oh my God does he actually believe this himself? I wonder what his plan looks like. Here's an example: 1. Talk to idiots on the phone and tell them to create a life plan and they might believe it.
This bonehead started up again about it. How can you live your life without a plan? Okay, I've lived for almost 50 years and no plan. Not that it's gotten me anywhere. Okay, I can stop now, I'm beginning to look stupider than usual.
I'm not a rage monster
This part of myself scares me. I could do really bad things. I remember so many times waking up to this horror. I remember I went to court with this personality once and was almost arrested for talking to the judge like he was an idiot. The public defender stepped in before I could do too much damage. Thank God.
Yes, if it weren't for God, this personality would have ruined my life. And it's not the reporter who has an agenda of truth and justice, the only thing this one wants is pain for us all. There are and were holes all over the house. I or it or whatever kicked them, punched them, and tore the house down.
What do I do with this thing? It's a real problem for me. I remember the pain of hitting my hands up against the walls, my head, my feet, until I bled.
No more, I have to face this thing down before it gets loose. I guess if I need to cry I need to cry. It's better than this. And even if I don't really know why I'm crying the personality that cries for help is better than the one that runs off everything good in my life.
I think I'll call this one: Destruction or maybe Seek and Destroy. It's a painful wound that wants attention and nobody knows how much pain this thing is carrying around. It's intense. I'm already willing to go back to sleep and try to start over. If I cry at least it will be honest.
With this shit said, hope you have a good day. Hope you don't cross my path. (kidding) No, I'm not letting this pit bull out of the yard, I have the gates closed. At least now I can identify the characters in my head.
Great...hope all is good in the world...Laura Hart
I guess I have another angry personality, if you even want to call it that. It's raw anger set upon hurting me and hurting others. I thought the reporter was bad, this is really bad. It's the destruction.
Here's how the night went: I got some fucking sleep. I don't know how but I slept for a while, and it actually hurts more now. When I woke up I wanted to cry. Then I stopped immediately! I thought of this crisis counselor I've had the displeasure of speaking with and he had been on the phone while I was crying. He gave me some shit about my crying so I ASSUMED he was somehow against crying. My Father did not care about me when I would cry. That would be too much.
Plus my Mother or whatever she was, cried only to manipulate. She had an agenda for her tears. I was simply thinking crying would be better than the other which is damage and ruin. I guess I'm right. But I had to have this experience so I would know there's another one of us, hurt, pissed off, and ready to destroy everything and everyone in her path. Fuck him! I called to see if this B grade counselor or whatever his is was available. Fuck if he didn't answer. I told him thanks for the fucked up advice about crying. He insists all that he said was what good was crying going to do.
Hmm, let's see, it will keep me from dealing with the angry fuck that's about to tell you off. Then I told him off. He's an idiot. A fuckhead who thinks his volunteer work with the crisis hotline is somehow a SUCCESS. Ha ha, ha, ha ha, you are the most idiotic person I have ever met...today. Okay, he did say that I could cry, but got on about why. He said that "I don't know" is an excuse. I know that fucking piss ant. I can't quite tell you why I want to cry other than I have a storehouse of pain. Is that enough you D student with an attitude? He's not of course ever going to read this so I don't know why I even wrote it.
I told him what a jerk he was about telling me to create a "life plan." Oh my God does he actually believe this himself? I wonder what his plan looks like. Here's an example: 1. Talk to idiots on the phone and tell them to create a life plan and they might believe it.
This bonehead started up again about it. How can you live your life without a plan? Okay, I've lived for almost 50 years and no plan. Not that it's gotten me anywhere. Okay, I can stop now, I'm beginning to look stupider than usual.
I'm not a rage monster
This part of myself scares me. I could do really bad things. I remember so many times waking up to this horror. I remember I went to court with this personality once and was almost arrested for talking to the judge like he was an idiot. The public defender stepped in before I could do too much damage. Thank God.
Yes, if it weren't for God, this personality would have ruined my life. And it's not the reporter who has an agenda of truth and justice, the only thing this one wants is pain for us all. There are and were holes all over the house. I or it or whatever kicked them, punched them, and tore the house down.
What do I do with this thing? It's a real problem for me. I remember the pain of hitting my hands up against the walls, my head, my feet, until I bled.
No more, I have to face this thing down before it gets loose. I guess if I need to cry I need to cry. It's better than this. And even if I don't really know why I'm crying the personality that cries for help is better than the one that runs off everything good in my life.
I think I'll call this one: Destruction or maybe Seek and Destroy. It's a painful wound that wants attention and nobody knows how much pain this thing is carrying around. It's intense. I'm already willing to go back to sleep and try to start over. If I cry at least it will be honest.
With this shit said, hope you have a good day. Hope you don't cross my path. (kidding) No, I'm not letting this pit bull out of the yard, I have the gates closed. At least now I can identify the characters in my head.
Great...hope all is good in the world...Laura Hart
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Ouch it hurts...
Dream the impossible dream
I suppose I will begin the latest post with, "why in the hell am I trying to fix me when I can't be fixed," or at least it seems that way.
For a moment I was happy, then I recognize how demented I am, now I'm completely freaked out.
Went to my therapist
Triggering me these days requires almost nothing except the WILLINGNESS to be triggered which apparently I have. If I don't get these feelings out there is almost no hope I will be integrated and enjoy a good life. The feelings surface whether or not I want them to. So, let them.
It's ugly and I'm confused, tired, (oh right HALT you dumb ass bi-polar before you attack something other than yourself) and don't know what to do with it all. I woke up again, dammit, and again I remember...they would not leave me alone.
Year after year, day after day, I kept up the ruse that we were all right. I turned 35 and that was the finale except it was not: I was damaged. And it was not something a band aid and juice would fix. Rather it's substantial and I'm finally doing my part because the results have scared me too!
This is me or not me, umm, who am I?
I feebly figured out I'm not my anger, but I'm also not the baby, or the others either. (This is getting spooky and weird) Maybe there is some division among me or I'm simply a damaged product you send off to be sold for a 1/3 of the price.
If I could tell you I would, but it appears I'm clean of all drugs and alcohol, but not clean of mind. My mind spins thinking of why all of this is happening. When I awake from sleep there is pain and memories to be stuffed back down...or they would be if I didn't bring them to surface for rethinking.
Stop, think and do something different constitutes a whole day for me. I am upset about what happened with me, the local ER, and possibly other parts I don't clearly remember. Maybe I'm wrong, but should I have been in jail or somewhere that would help me deal with my regular death ritual?
That's in the past
I do want to make the past the past, but how can I if I can't remember it? Or if I remember and it's painful? Starting today I will hope that I can make it through these events one after another until the issues become clear.
Writing will likely help but when the bi-polar reporter steps up to the plate we ALL need to run. I have only so much control over my character so I want her on a flat, one dimensional page, so she won't hurt any of us. She has a blood lust for truth and fairness.
Those are nice things I agree, but they are also completely unreasonable and no human being will EVER live up to it. Please God, tell me now that I was not ripped off last week as they will know her wrath. She will make them better by being the catalyst or bringer of rain upon their lousy business practices. I hope they are ready, I'm not.
I may have some control, but I fear there will be cussing and disturbance before it's over. I want peace and that is also unreasonable. If only I could put me back together like Humpty Dumpty, I cracked a very long time ago.
Each day is a choice
Here and now is what I face, and I will rise to the occasion. But who am I in all this? It's scary to note that there are things that I cannot change and no wisdom to go with it. Maybe I'll just pray for a break and hope that it will come. That is all the power I seem to have over this split in myself.
The reporter is another one of us, the worst, not the worst, that's the depression. Both are equally disabling and then there's me...who am I?
Some of you may find this sudden schism scary...so do I.
Another night and I wonder if I can even go out. There is an AA meeting I would like to attend, but is it too much for one day? Probably...............
Talk later...Laura Hart (or whomever I am)
I suppose I will begin the latest post with, "why in the hell am I trying to fix me when I can't be fixed," or at least it seems that way.
For a moment I was happy, then I recognize how demented I am, now I'm completely freaked out.
Went to my therapist
Triggering me these days requires almost nothing except the WILLINGNESS to be triggered which apparently I have. If I don't get these feelings out there is almost no hope I will be integrated and enjoy a good life. The feelings surface whether or not I want them to. So, let them.
It's ugly and I'm confused, tired, (oh right HALT you dumb ass bi-polar before you attack something other than yourself) and don't know what to do with it all. I woke up again, dammit, and again I remember...they would not leave me alone.
Year after year, day after day, I kept up the ruse that we were all right. I turned 35 and that was the finale except it was not: I was damaged. And it was not something a band aid and juice would fix. Rather it's substantial and I'm finally doing my part because the results have scared me too!
This is me or not me, umm, who am I?
I feebly figured out I'm not my anger, but I'm also not the baby, or the others either. (This is getting spooky and weird) Maybe there is some division among me or I'm simply a damaged product you send off to be sold for a 1/3 of the price.
If I could tell you I would, but it appears I'm clean of all drugs and alcohol, but not clean of mind. My mind spins thinking of why all of this is happening. When I awake from sleep there is pain and memories to be stuffed back down...or they would be if I didn't bring them to surface for rethinking.
Stop, think and do something different constitutes a whole day for me. I am upset about what happened with me, the local ER, and possibly other parts I don't clearly remember. Maybe I'm wrong, but should I have been in jail or somewhere that would help me deal with my regular death ritual?
That's in the past
I do want to make the past the past, but how can I if I can't remember it? Or if I remember and it's painful? Starting today I will hope that I can make it through these events one after another until the issues become clear.
Writing will likely help but when the bi-polar reporter steps up to the plate we ALL need to run. I have only so much control over my character so I want her on a flat, one dimensional page, so she won't hurt any of us. She has a blood lust for truth and fairness.
Those are nice things I agree, but they are also completely unreasonable and no human being will EVER live up to it. Please God, tell me now that I was not ripped off last week as they will know her wrath. She will make them better by being the catalyst or bringer of rain upon their lousy business practices. I hope they are ready, I'm not.
I may have some control, but I fear there will be cussing and disturbance before it's over. I want peace and that is also unreasonable. If only I could put me back together like Humpty Dumpty, I cracked a very long time ago.
Each day is a choice
Here and now is what I face, and I will rise to the occasion. But who am I in all this? It's scary to note that there are things that I cannot change and no wisdom to go with it. Maybe I'll just pray for a break and hope that it will come. That is all the power I seem to have over this split in myself.
The reporter is another one of us, the worst, not the worst, that's the depression. Both are equally disabling and then there's me...who am I?
Some of you may find this sudden schism scary...so do I.
Another night and I wonder if I can even go out. There is an AA meeting I would like to attend, but is it too much for one day? Probably...............
Talk later...Laura Hart (or whomever I am)
I remember and you had better too!
Dead again: How many times is this now?
It's not as if I haven't been dead before, but I had the dream last night, after two weeks home...And I know that others know this too: I died and came right back...again.
Now, if you don't remember then hear me out.
I had taken morphine and drank some beer and likely added other drugs too. But according to the ER report, I was a handful of venom, thrashing and attacking. But also, clearly, a suicide as I directly asked to be shot by police, LOL. Remember I spoke about the fact that I had been hit with Narcan early in the year without any warning and I was scared....
Many of you don't think I'm scared or get scared, but just am a hard ass who has some serious "psych" problems. Well, I do get scared as I apparently ran to a church across from the hospital ER and sat crying while freaking out the Pastor and church members. This information came from my friend who came to pick me up.
I didn't get picked up, but I was sent down the mountain with a Sheriff watching me: to jail. If you read the guest post from my friend who gave me the head's up about what lead to this recent attempt, she makes a point of why was I sent to jail. And why there were no medical records sent with me. ???
They didn't have all the information, only their own prejudice
I've said it before, I say it again, the medical field is full of prejudice and they don't like complicated people. They did a drug screen, which I have not seen, so I cannot comment, but there must have been some really good stuff swarming through my veins that day.
I remember taking most of it. Black outs come with heavy drugs and alcohol, so it's no surprise I don't remember it "word for word" or maybe "drug by drug."
Death has it's own feeling: and I felt it. I have experience trying to be dead along with being dead on the tub four years prior. It's not the big deal we all make it to be, my assessment is that it would be boring, and that is why I keep coming back for MORE.
I kicked and kicked and they all fell down
I put on a show as I must have been a mess from hell, pissing, shitting, throwing up, but getting off ALL that doctor dope. Being the crazy bi-polar, it had to be all at one time. How very dramatic of me.
But give me a break guys, I was scared of you. You had previously breached my trust by hurting me with the Narcan. If people don't know, Narcan is given in situations where a patient is about to die from an opiate overdose. I was not dying that day, I simply had palpitations and wanted to confirm my heart was okay.
Instead, I got a blast of this opiate antagonizer and I screamed like a baby! I was chock full of opiates at the time and all I could do was scream. Well, the scream was more like the word "FUCK" going on for an hour, I don't know. The nurse who gave this swell drug to me never alerted me and I was sent on a long trip from hell.
It was my wake up call though
You can never say that things don't happen for a reason. It was terrible in the sense that I was hurt to a degree that even my family would not talk to me. I could not clearly understand why when I was wide awake I was given this drug. And we know from both these experiences, that KVHD does not want to take their own responsibility.
Don't do this to another person or I will be angry
I'm a different type of person as you all have figured out. I have fight and grit. There are others who are simply suicidal and they would cave under the pressure. I ask KVHD staff right now to rethink what they did to me, realize the prejudice, and make sure it doesn't happen to someone else, less willing to come back from the dead.
I'm here and alive!!!
The best part of this story is how it ends, or begins, as it's a new day. I'll be working on the story of the Kern River Valley, it's healthcare, it's politics, called "The Valley of Fear." A sneak preview of the book is on this site under the label: the bi-polar reporter. Read it and know that you who were a part of any of these exciting adventures will be contained in the pages.
I've got things to do, dogs to walk, a cat to harass, and a bird to wake up. But you too have something to learn even from a "crazy person" which is what the paramedics and police initially thought.
Now they think, the bitch has a few brain cells left, and she did kick all her drugs...hmm, maybe this is something to think about.
You bet!
Don't do what I do which is either dismiss me or take it too seriously, but we all played our role in this adventure. And here's the rub: I like you and I also like me. So, I won't take sides. LOL
Have a great day and thanks again for letting me die so that I may LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH and spit on you (oh my there's the vinegar, use it on your salad...fuck you!). I'm going to make things better and in some cases worse, but it's an adventure I never want to miss!
Take care and prosper...be back later with more...Laura Hart
It's not as if I haven't been dead before, but I had the dream last night, after two weeks home...And I know that others know this too: I died and came right back...again.
Now, if you don't remember then hear me out.
I had taken morphine and drank some beer and likely added other drugs too. But according to the ER report, I was a handful of venom, thrashing and attacking. But also, clearly, a suicide as I directly asked to be shot by police, LOL. Remember I spoke about the fact that I had been hit with Narcan early in the year without any warning and I was scared....
Many of you don't think I'm scared or get scared, but just am a hard ass who has some serious "psych" problems. Well, I do get scared as I apparently ran to a church across from the hospital ER and sat crying while freaking out the Pastor and church members. This information came from my friend who came to pick me up.
I didn't get picked up, but I was sent down the mountain with a Sheriff watching me: to jail. If you read the guest post from my friend who gave me the head's up about what lead to this recent attempt, she makes a point of why was I sent to jail. And why there were no medical records sent with me. ???
They didn't have all the information, only their own prejudice
I've said it before, I say it again, the medical field is full of prejudice and they don't like complicated people. They did a drug screen, which I have not seen, so I cannot comment, but there must have been some really good stuff swarming through my veins that day.
I remember taking most of it. Black outs come with heavy drugs and alcohol, so it's no surprise I don't remember it "word for word" or maybe "drug by drug."
Death has it's own feeling: and I felt it. I have experience trying to be dead along with being dead on the tub four years prior. It's not the big deal we all make it to be, my assessment is that it would be boring, and that is why I keep coming back for MORE.
I kicked and kicked and they all fell down
I put on a show as I must have been a mess from hell, pissing, shitting, throwing up, but getting off ALL that doctor dope. Being the crazy bi-polar, it had to be all at one time. How very dramatic of me.
But give me a break guys, I was scared of you. You had previously breached my trust by hurting me with the Narcan. If people don't know, Narcan is given in situations where a patient is about to die from an opiate overdose. I was not dying that day, I simply had palpitations and wanted to confirm my heart was okay.
Instead, I got a blast of this opiate antagonizer and I screamed like a baby! I was chock full of opiates at the time and all I could do was scream. Well, the scream was more like the word "FUCK" going on for an hour, I don't know. The nurse who gave this swell drug to me never alerted me and I was sent on a long trip from hell.
It was my wake up call though
You can never say that things don't happen for a reason. It was terrible in the sense that I was hurt to a degree that even my family would not talk to me. I could not clearly understand why when I was wide awake I was given this drug. And we know from both these experiences, that KVHD does not want to take their own responsibility.
Don't do this to another person or I will be angry
I'm a different type of person as you all have figured out. I have fight and grit. There are others who are simply suicidal and they would cave under the pressure. I ask KVHD staff right now to rethink what they did to me, realize the prejudice, and make sure it doesn't happen to someone else, less willing to come back from the dead.
I'm here and alive!!!
The best part of this story is how it ends, or begins, as it's a new day. I'll be working on the story of the Kern River Valley, it's healthcare, it's politics, called "The Valley of Fear." A sneak preview of the book is on this site under the label: the bi-polar reporter. Read it and know that you who were a part of any of these exciting adventures will be contained in the pages.
I've got things to do, dogs to walk, a cat to harass, and a bird to wake up. But you too have something to learn even from a "crazy person" which is what the paramedics and police initially thought.
Now they think, the bitch has a few brain cells left, and she did kick all her drugs...hmm, maybe this is something to think about.
You bet!
Don't do what I do which is either dismiss me or take it too seriously, but we all played our role in this adventure. And here's the rub: I like you and I also like me. So, I won't take sides. LOL
Have a great day and thanks again for letting me die so that I may LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH and spit on you (oh my there's the vinegar, use it on your salad...fuck you!). I'm going to make things better and in some cases worse, but it's an adventure I never want to miss!
Take care and prosper...be back later with more...Laura Hart
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)