Sunday, December 18, 2011

I'm not even sure what to write...

I did remember but then...

I had some dreams last night which were disturbing. I realize I have spent a whole lifetime full of anger and pain and desperation. I wanted to be dead and I really do believe I am. I may not want to totally give up, because there is something keeping me alive. Something much bigger than the "me" I used to know.

The truth as I see it has hurt many people and I did not control the dribble I was allowing out. I'm sad today, but also very curious. What is happening to me?

I can see some of it...

I cannot, however, even begin to explain this to you. I'm someone who has been abused to a degree that I hurt myself repeatedly throughout my life. Over and over until it comes to this vital lesson right now. I keep seeing the results of sexual abuse. I had no control and apparently am still learning control.

Why would they hurt a child, I repeatedly asked. It really doesn't matter, I should forgive us all.  The people who did this were not only my mother and grandmother, but others, as I didn't know when to stop. Normal people don't jerk off all the time, but I do. I could not stop it became obsessive behavior that attracted every fucking freak out there. Hard to admit.

My memories are distorted and I may have things wrong, right now, I don't know. But I will listen to the universe and take all of it into consideration. My friends are good people I will try harder to trust them. Right now I need them to help me see the truth...and when I do help me back to my feet.

I know it will be painful to find out what has happened. I have known since I got home from jail that everything is different, changed. Too much so that I can't discern that I must have done something serious such as take my life.

Wanting to be dead...

I've heard people say "it's sad" and others don't want me to pursue certain things or people, and that must mean that I no longer have a future to give. Actually, I really don't know. This creation isn't mine, it's created by God.

I wondered last night if I didn't have a stroke, or injure myself, and I'm waiting to wake up with a new perspective. Anyway it goes, it's God given and God driven, therefore out of the control of us mere mortals.

Being a kinder, gentler, person while I'm around this weird place would be a welcome change. I don't really enjoy all of these emotions I have experienced "vividly" since I've been clean. One after another, like a parade, I can see the horror that was me.

Fear, anger, pain, violence, temper tantrums, spewing truths, judging other people even friends, depression which won't move forward, all of it a waste of time. I spent 50 years, almost, doing these things over and over until I waited to die. Okay, so what did I get out of it? I suffered. I believed I should as I was inadequate in every way my mind latched onto that notion: and would not let go.

I'm okay in my imperfection...

Yep, so imperfect, so sweaty at night as I have all of us this coming out my pores. It's a sign I need to find out what happened.

Once I know then I can let go. Maybe I don't have to know and can still let go. God does not punish me, I do. And honestly I don't deserve this I was a child who enjoyed everything which got on the nerves of everyone. I was happy and they were not. So, I forgive them, and me. I did not do this until now, the new, strange, now I live in.

Let me say there are memories of the past which I'm so sad got out of control, but someday I may laugh at them and own them. I'm not my body, I'm not the past, so I must be a spirit who is trying really hard to change this Karma.

No, I don't want to see anyone suffer. If I sound like I do, then it's again the anger from my own personal pain I keep inflicting.

Most of the people who hurt me are dead. Yet I keep wanting them dead or to hurt them. Hurting me was the best I could do. Killing me was the ultimate of them all and I kept trying. But if I can take a second to see I was trying to kill the pain. That was all.

Take this and I hope you can stop your own pain before it takes you somewhere you can't quite fathom and you will still have to deal with all your issues. You can't get away from your own truth. It's coming for you and it also does it so you can be free. Laura Hart

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