Sunday, December 11, 2011

What a beautiful morning...please open the door

The news didn't surprise me

First thing this morning I was told that my "former" arch nemesis the Kern Valley Health care District is on the brink of facing severe cuts from the state. There is little to do to push this crisis center over the edge and this would likely be the death blow.

Not that I want it to close, but I want to point out it's NOT my problem. I have done and alerted everything and everybody, but it was ignored. Five years of this and now I'm really not the driven to help. Now if someone asks for my help, I'll likely be there, but nobody has and I'm free to do what I want.

I had stopped the insanity and wrote a goodbye post, but I did have to tell people who are now waking up to what they could be losing, such as their jobs and homes even, what to do about it. Take action you who have to live without a hospital. I can't and frankly won't do it for you. I have too much to live for and time to enjoy my friends who are left with me after all the drama, and my devoted animals who have seen the worst.

We walked into the sun

It was blinding as we headed up the trail this morning, my silly dog pulling and spinning on his leash. I was with two veteran walkers of the neighborhood and they had two dogs who were the focus of my Boxer, Walter.

Now let me say that Walter has an excuse: an absentee mother. I used to hike and climb but I forgot who I was. I had become a smoker and I had forgotten how wonderful it is to be out and about. It was great to see the sun in my face, though it hurt my sleepless eyes, I will want to do this again.

I have to build muscle that I let go over the years and that will take time. But I still can enjoy the morning with a brisk walk with my untrained dog who will eventually get the message. He's an awesome dog, you should see him walk or trot like a horse. He's beautiful and I am taking advantage of my time to do things I sure as shit could've done before.

Clean and mean

All right I'm kidding, but I'm still squeaky clean and feeling the pain of daily living. I'm more honest about this now as I had hidden my drug addiction from everyone including myself. Now I desire truth and honesty with myself and the willingness to accept myself.

I really thought last night before my NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting that I was the worst person on the planet. I'm not.

The second worse. Not really. I just have to come to terms with all the "hurt" not so much anger, but what is fueling the anger. I've been a real baby when it has to do with telling others how I really feel. Lately though I cannot stop telling the truth. I guess I would rather have something in the middle but I accept myself today.

If I have hurt anyone by telling them what I think I'll apologize and try to do better. I get the feeling that others are not so committed to the truth and I have to have more compassion rather than judging them. I cannot live without knowing who I really am. However, other people want to sleep walk thru life. I did it with pain killers for two years.

I had been in a state of "love" which is not my natural state. I was hurt in that relationship and I hurt back. It sucks because I am not going to say I don't still have feelings, but I'm going to say that I have more feelings for myself now. When I try to make things right I only try: now I WILL make things right.

I can't change a whole society who would allow the killing of people in a local skilled nursing facility and then BLAME THE MESSENGER. I was the messenger and blamed for many things I had nothing to do with. All that energy expended could well have served me, but I can't change the past I simply need to accept it. I fucked up...Gosh I do it all the time. Should I be punished again and again? Well, that's up to me as I'm my worst critic. I hate me. Or I should say I "hated" me up until this morning.

What is there to like?

Well, other than being a mongrel, I'm kind, funny, funny looking, a serious asshole sometimes, but basically okay and part of the human race. Others often compete with me, which I don't understand exactly. They think I'm SMART. Yes, a smart ass, but smart would not be me. I'm intuitive but less to take every book at it's word. Those books have only made me separate from the rest and I need to be a part instead of standing alone.

It's been a long life of making stands where I'm the only one there. As I've pointed out about KVHD, the people I worked with to gain understanding of the problems didn't acknowledge me. My own relationship turned out to make me invisible as well.

No go anymore. If you know me, then fucking say you know me or piss off. Nothing angry or personal, I'm simply tired of it and would rather walk my dog then talk to people who will deny me. Yes, I'm a bit crazy too. So what, do you think there is one single person on this entire planet, or even off this planet, who is a perfect specimen?

In fact, we all need to crash and burn so we can see the light...I love the light.

Even as my door knob became problematic this morning straight after the religious experience which was my walk, I could not help appreciate how funny and awesome everything is: I am so grateful for this time! Thank you Scooter (God) for all of this...

Take care and have a great day doing whatever it is you love to do. Life is short: get some balls people. Be a true bi-polar American!

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