Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Following the trail: back up the rabbit hole...

hello, I'm Laura and I'm a drug addict, alcoholic, sex addict, food freak, etc if you will...

I have to get used to the "outside" again, as I was incarcerated recently, not for long, as I'm not one to settle in anywhere. But new information about what happened on November 11, 2011, the day my bi-polar became seriously out of control, has come to the surface as I have to retrace my missteps from this past month.
I'm clean of it all, the drugs are gone...but then so was I.
Can you imagine watching someone kick opiates and benzo's all at once?
God it must have been terrible for those around me, and I must apologize, because that is what bi-polar American's do when they fuck up royally.
I want to not only make amends, as I could have escaped this pain by simply reducing medications over the course of some months and then gone on my way, I want to be better because of it.

Being bi-polar means knowing what you are and what you are not. I'm not sane all the time, and I'm not able to handle the drugs I was taking. It was awful for All of us, not just me.
Oh my it hurt to writhe in agony, but I will never forget, and that is something that may save us all from another bad trip. I'm the one in charge, so whatever goes wrong is my responsibility.

I love the truth
As I've spent the last week at home working on the house of pain, the house of dirt, and disaster, I can see clearly that I was not in a state of mind that was conducive to living a clean and easy life. I like things the hard way.
If it can't be done, then I would do it. I would put all my personal issues aside to take on anything, even a dare. That is nothing new, it's been a whole life of putting my own needs on hold while I whip up a tornado and go out and do damage.
Now, I'm more interested in doing things that I know have at the least a seed of truth. I love the truth, and I'm irritated by people who bullshit. Oh yeah, and I'm a great bullshitter if I may say so myself. But the difference is only that I want and need to hear about my issues so I can change them. However, don't bull shit a bullshitter as I will know.

I'm working hard to come back and be all that I can be, and that includes dealing with my issues and they are numerous. You have no idea the kind of anger I have been carrying around...

Well, some out there got a taste of the personality we call the "bi-polar reporter" the one who makes sure that there are no people who are hurt or taken advantage of. How realistic is that? Not at all, therefore, this alter ego has spent years hounding others and threatening their very existence.

What can I do with all my anger?
I decided I had to come to terms with this or go over the edge and now it's a daily thing, making a bed, raking leaves, cooking stew, and having FAITH.
Thank you God or Scooter as I call it, the universe, for the breakdown, which was necessary for true change to occur. I want the truth, and I will find it, and be okay with it, as I was drunk, on opiates, freaking out, and now I'm into the moment, the only thing that counts.
I can no longer stuff this down. I kind of wish I could as the constant need for truth telling is getting on the nerves of others around me who would prefer to just package it all and call it a day.

Not bi-polar American's

We bi-polar's are all over it, the truth, the reason for our malady, and with the truth comes real change so it must not be feared.
It would be nice if I could stop telling everyone the truth, but I don't feel it's good for me or them to lie or couch the truth. It's a real skin peeler to take off all these layers of deceit. Maybe I will find that I'm still lying after all of this, but I won't worry about it, as it will do what it's going to do whether or not I actually do anything.

We are so extreme

I should say that I'm extremely angry at a lot of things, but that is not my focus. I want to take control of my mind, thoughts, life, and the only way is thru my "anger management." 

My therapist was told that she could not let the bi-polar reporter run the therapy, and I was not manic when I last saw her, which made a huge difference. 
I'm not my anger, but then what am I? I guess I'm a lot of things, too caring, too much of a pussy who constantly gives chances to others but sadly not myself. 

This is my first blog back and I want to say that my "authority complex" has gotten even more complex as I found friends in my guards at jail. They not only watched me kick opiates, including herion, which I used three times this year, and benzo's I relied upon for self control, but they were KIND. 

The last part I did not expect. They were on my bi-polar radar as the "bad guys" and I guess that made me a good guy, sort of, but now they are truly appreciated. 

I want the Sheriff's department to know that they are supported by the insane, unkempt, types like me, the bi-polars. I'm sure they are thrilled but they should be as I don't take to just anyone, I'm kind of picky, so they must be extremely cool! 

Thank you all for your support, I plan on making this work, and will get back with my progress. Right now it's white knuckle time, trying to be an adult. Oh, didn't I tell you, I'm like born yesterday or something. 

When I left the jail I had no idea what I would face here at home, but I was hoping that it would be easy. NOT. It's been arduous and tough, like a bi-polar likes it I know, but also it's a learning experience, like I like it. 

I'll continue to let you know what I'm learning. And if the Sheriff's hear this message, please know I am sincere, and would like to make good on my promise. Walter and I tried to get there, but we ended up crying and buying a cell phone...(Don't ask) which is fun and awesome, I love it! 

Thanks to the people who care about me, you are so stupid, yet I love you....

More to follow: Indeed

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