Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Please do no damage...

Since I went back to sleep

Okay, the garbageman must be suicidal as he has not left my street and the very sound of his truck is irritating me. One more time and he will be stuffed in my trash can for good!

This is what I'm dealing with this morning: the worst of my worst. It's irritated, wants to hurt someone, and when it does I will definitely want to hurt myself. The circle of life. I hurt someone, or myself, then feel guilty, then I begin to believe with certainty I don't deserve to live.

It all started with wanting to cry

I could not cry this morning. Or I felt it would be whiny and weak to cry. Next thing I know this set upon me: pain and misery. I guess I never felt permission to cry ever in my life. I had to cover it up.

Well, this is what you get after too long a time of not crying normally: a maniac of unknown proportion. I know this feeling it's overwhelming. It has sarcasm the reporter could not or would not even like. I feel terrible that this is here. I'm already guilty and all I did so far is go after a loser counselor. Just adding the word loser means I'm still in this.

If I cry it seems so futile. Like there's a whole lake of tears I have not shed. How could I possibly remedy or satisfy the blood lust of this thing? God, I don't know. I'm afraid to go out. I would rather have the flu or pretend I do. I know in the past I would make excuses and not go or do anything. But today is my new day and I don't want this anymore.

How they hell do I get rid of it?

That's the biggest question of them all. If I were not into this sobriety thing I would hit this fucker with some big drugs. I would not use fucking way! I would likely smoke pot and feel great. It would take this down and fast.

Then I would never know what this is would I? I have to try and endure this somehow and figure out what it needs so it can be dealt with. Sleep didn't help, in fact it hurt. I'm in pain from head to toe because I had previously not slept. And this thing is loose. It wants blood and revenge.

Okay, stop, think, and what?

Maybe I should hit this with drugs...woops I have no drugs. Not that I could not get them. Okay, I resolve to resolve this without drugs. Oh no, it's going to be bad. I'm scared to death. I have no control over this one. I would even think the reporter would be a better bet than this.

One thing not to do: go anywhere I'm triggered. I have to HALT and remain calm in this storm of storms. I would like anesthesia or something. This is my fucking PAIN! And it wants out and about.

Not on my watch!

No more tragedy and hurt. I can't let this go on anymore and it has to be within my power. Right now my dog psychiatrist is laying on the couch ready to be beaten or at least yelled at. He knows this thing. And the bird who started to bitch, shut up quickly, as I shouted at her. The cat is out, she's a little shit.

Now, I have to get something done today. I have to do something, but I really feel so out of it, I'm not sure what that is. I do know that a meeting of AA would be a great place to become inflamed and disliked immediately. These people do not want to see this. They have their own addict behaviors they have not dealt with.

For some reason these NA and AA folks think that sobriety is the only game in town. It is to a degree, but then there's the horrible reality that you have MUCH MORE SHIT going on than drug use. The real work is under that sober exterior. That is why I can't be just an addict. I'm also addicted to the pain.

Letting go of the pain for the day...

Hmm, maybe if I could just let this go for the day, I wonder what that would do? Or I could just endure biting my tongue. Or I could call and complain about this idiot counselor, which again would do no good. I have other targets in mind to hit with my scathing sarcastic, smart bombs, who have eyes of their own. I could definitely hurt anyone right now.

But the goal for today...keep it in check. Then later return for another peek and hope I can turn it from destructive to constructive.

Nobody call me, I'm not a good person right now. I will hurt you then turn and hurt me. I must write to my Father and tell him NOT to call. I might again begin to threaten them all. Or I might tell the truth which would be equally as alarming. I can't help that his former wife, my mother, and the crazy old bitch who raised her, were child molesters in their own right. Then there were others as my life became out of control sexually.

Not just a drug addict, as I said in other posts, a sex addict and food addict. Right now I hate all food other than mine. I was a freak about how my food was prepared and by whom. And I had to live off of ice cream. I really want some ice cream right now.

Good luck to me. I hope I learn a lot today. I want to deal with the biggest mess: my fucked up emotions. They are truly fucked up and know no bounds. I'm hurt, I felt abandoned by my Father, angry at the bitches, hate my judgmental stepmother, and now it extends to anyone who has ever slighted me.

This is fun. If you can't call, which you shouldn't, please just pray for me. I have 50 years of pain to deal with, and I should have just cried...maybe it would not be as bad. Oh yes it would!

Have a fucked day and make it better. Or just a nice day, mutherfuckers. Oh shit, I'm sorry. Have a great day from the misery of me...Laura Hart (?)

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