Your psychologist isn't happy about your happiness...
It was great, yesterday, (a million years from this morning) I got ready to go see my favorite "shrink" and made sure I was on time. I got there on the fucking dot. I was so happy to be there! I was so proud to be on time and "not rude."
She was amused apparently that I was so happy. I'm of the impression she didn't know what to do with this. She tried to label it, "it's your mood." Then she said, "your mood will change." She got me there.
"What will you do when the mood changes," she asked.
"Umm, sing," I meekly replied.
"Oh, what will you sing?"
"Umm, Singing in the Rain!"
It was too funny. She so wanted to go somewhere past today, and we cannot, and I did not want to. My days are so full that my conversations go for an hour just retelling my "day."
She's great and that was so awesome of her to try and get me to admit how my happiness is wrong and would not last. "You are bi-polar." Yup!
Now she did have me at "you can't sleep." I couldn't counter that as I am writhing and burning at night. Why? I guess because I like it! I mentioned Scooter, or God, I'm sure it got a write up in my records. I am so amused and so grateful to this great woman who helps so many people. She is definitely, "God Given." LOL
Last night was no exception
I talked about taking my dog for a run, and I ran, and the dogs knocked me over...AWESOME! They were like jets in the sky, and suddenly, they or one of them, hit me in the knee and launched me and I fell on the ground. It hurt! The pain was enjoyable. (I never said I'm not weird)
So, sometime in the night, I awoke, of fire, in pain from head to toe, and knee! This was so funny, my friend who heals everyone but cannot look at herself, WARNED me "you will have to deal with the pain, it will fuck with you."
Oh shit, it fucked with me, but I went back to sleep. She suggested that I need something to take to do this. Like carrot marijuana rub, that she uses. I think I would need a swimming pool of it next to the bed, I could dive in during the night.
I told her I would jump!
This friend deserves mention as she has not been "okay" with me since my "return" three weeks ago from the brig. (my jail thing which I love!) First, I needed an anti-psychotic, then I fucked my animals, then I need to watch out for the pain which will get me, and who knows what this awesome person will say next.
She is the one who was driving when I jumped out of the car into traffic in Bakersfield. (It's on the blog somewhere) That was so funny. She fought me so hard trying to tell me that I had control, that I did not have to act like a crazy person. I did, at least for a few hours, but she didn't like it.
I remember, we were in front of Walmart, and I was lit up, baby! Angry, raging, cussing about everything! She could not appreciate this and I said so that everyone in the lot could hear, "why are you arguing with a crazy person?" She stormed off. I stayed in the car cussing at everything getting my anger out.
She would be angry hearing this...
When she got back, she still did not want to "accept" my mood. I had no right, reason, or rhyme, to do this and she would stop me! "Here smoke some pot or take a pill and stop it!"
But before I would stop, she would argue with me to the point I had to prove that I was truly done with the argument. "I'm going to jump out of the car if you don't shut the fuck up." She challenged me with steely eyes as I was in the back seat and saw her defiant look in the mirror.
Then I was gone. On the pavement in traffic is where I landed. AWESOME! I was so amused that I made my way through the befuddled drivers to the side of the road where I made my stand. She could not believe it! I actually could not either, but it was so cool, that I walked around enjoying my nuttiness. She drove up all concerned and freaked out.
"You get in the car," she demanded. I would not initially as I told her until she ACCEPTED my mood and stopped fighting me, I would not return. I had no real plan for how to get home, but I was probably angry enough to walk up the mountain. LOL
We were fine after that...
I had to PROVE IT to her by jumping from the car then she finally stopped fighting against me. She doesn't like anger, confrontation, and so forth, so if you get this way...Wooo, watch out, she'll get really angry about it! LOL
Then I took drugs and got more palatable to others so we were fine and had a nice chat the rest of the way home. I'll never forget the look on her face from the rear view window. And to this day, she makes sure to advise me that "I'm not right."
I guess I should prove it to her again!
Here's the deal, sometimes we cannot see or accept things which upset us, and she is really a great person, but she doesn't like me when I'm angry. She would rather I get with her program and do what she tells me. Yesterday I was told that when I went crazy this past November, 9, that I "fucked my animals over."
OMG, I was horrified, and then quickly wrote out an email to make sure that if I got nutted up again, there would be help for my innocent pets who did nothing to deserve my crap. I called her to tell her what a great thing I did, but never got a call back. I'm hoping she will at least acknowledge this great stride I made...
Hopefully, at some point she will give it up and stop trying to change me and change herself. I know it's hard to even consider that sometimes we try to change others when we should congratulate them on creating their own pain and crap. "Good job, that must hurt and be a pain!"
Hurting ourselves for the fun of it?
Why do we hurt ourselves, I ask, with a smirk on my face? Because it's fucking fun and easy to do. We have control of our own shit, but must accept that of others. I know it's tough but looking at myself and the mistakes I make, I'm a poster child for "leave it alone, you fucking idiot." Let them do what they need to do and get on with the day.
My best friend told me what I did to her was her "greatest fear." Oh shit, I was horrified. I did that, I thought. Yep. I hit that last nerve. All I can do is forgive myself and hope that she doesn't hurt herself in the process of facing her greatest fear. (crossing my fingers...closing my eyes...)
I could hurt others too...
I have this great gift of seeing right through people. I can see their lies and self deception, therefore, I so easily can hurt them. I don't mean to be a pain, but I cause pain. I can light your ass up, but my best friend says I should "try to stop before I talk." (woops where is the duct tape for my mouth?)
Really, I have to allow others their experience, I can't help them unless they want to change. Now if they ask, I will do what they want. If you want a healing, you must ASK ME. I no longer doll them out for free either. There will be a price as I must live on this planet, stuck in my funny looking body, and I like to eat, and eat well!
Have a great day and I'll catch up later. Here's some advice: laugh and the world will fucking hate you. But you will be amused and that is what counts! Laura Hart (the jumper)