Saturday, December 10, 2011

Just for Today!

I'm happy to report some sleep

I have awoken from another night, but this time with some sleep under my belt. I'm more relaxed and more understanding of what I want to be from now on.

Less angry for one, and more appreciative of each "day" I'm given to recover from not only drugs, but also the thoughts of being dead. Yes, I tried not just recently, but for my whole life to kill myself. I had taken an overdose, tried to hang myself, and in the end, I really don't want it to end.

It's kind of funny really to find that I am ready now to take the helm and live. I am confused to some degree as to how I do this, but somehow I think it will come to me. I have more faith this morning, and more understanding of how I have been the one to make a mockery of living.

Anger again is hurt and I have been hurt, but sadly I turned into a person who hurts others. Wow! I do not care to hear it, but I am totally aware of it now. It's not who I wanted to be, then again, I kept trying to kill me. I needed a reason such as "I'm terrible" and worth killing.

Truth be told, I'm really all right and not a candidate for killing. I'm just a child who didn't get much light and a lot of abuse to go with it. I must have confused this abuse with my own self worth and now what a tangle it is. But each day I wake up I'm going to be more and more confident that it is OK to be me. Whether I'm a lump one day and an action packed adventure the next, I will still be my own BEST FRIEND. I have to be as I am the only one who can put this into motion.

I can't wait to see what a day brings as I used to think, "oh no, what will the day do," and then expect it will never get better. I CAN and WILL make it better.

Things I would like to do today: Laugh, smile, and take a long hot shower. Oooh, just the shower itself makes me want to live. LOL

More to follow: The end of KVHD under Fire, Thank God

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