Friday, December 16, 2011

Rising from the ashes...fuck you!

Okay, another sobering experience

I won't and really have no desire to use anything. I'm more interested in my state of mind, which was impaired as hell this morning. I guess it's time to breathe. I can't say I'm "good" but I'm all right now. I had to let the feeling of being a victim go forever. I'm not a victim and the only thing to hang onto is truth.

There is nothing I can do to change what happened except change my thinking. That is the truth.

It was all in my head...

No wonder I had a headache, my brain and spirit were filled to the brim with negative emotions. Nothing was good. Everything was most certainly bad though. I believed that. And that is all it took to screw a whole morning up.

Well, sometimes it takes time when things get roiled up to settle them down. AND FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO MEDICATE ME I TOOK NOTHING! I simply want to know who I am and even doctor dope is not going to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I need to leave those who can't watch this and let them go. I know that now. I make people crazy around me and they need to learn to let me do what I need to do. I CAN AND I WILL CHANGE.

I made sure I had thyroid...

The medication I need to remember always, each morning to take is thyroid. It controls everything really. It also causes problems when I don't take it. Or for anyone.

For three weeks no one gave me my thyroid, and now I say, "FUCK YOU I FORGIVE YOU!" What else can I do. I can't make anyone accountable who doesn't want to be. I can make myself let go of hurting me and destroying every thing I have tried to accomplish. I change what I can and there you are...poof!

The reaction is...

When I have a reaction I'm back in the old days, the old ways. Now I'm acting more so, which meant I needed my space to remember, grieve the loss, and then let the fucker go. It should not be a surprise to me the way others acted. The circumstances got screwed up. People rarely take responsibility, and I must accept that. I can take my responsibility and hope that those who helped create the nightmare for me and my pets learn something.

Maybe they will...likely they will be in the 98 percent who drink it away, or pretend it didn't happen. I know myself there are some difficult lessons I've had to learn. So, I need to stop judging and living in that judgment.

I admit, I don't trust people. 

I not only don't trust people, I'm very standoffish. If people get in I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of the responsibility too. I assume from the beginning they will know how fucked up I am. This is without evidence just a thing from my past. So, I keep them out!

Wrong again...

How many times will I be wrong? Hmm, let's see a million, two million, I guess as many as it takes to learn. I'm sort of glad I did not let too much of this horrible depression loose. I did say some things I didn't mean. And it was all mean. More frustration really.

To allow the people whom I clashed with to have power over me is ridiculous. I have better things to do, or other things to do. If there is no one who will share or admit, then I have to forgive us all. We were in this together and now we are not. We created it together now I say goodbye to yesterday and hello to today.

Starting to see the future...

When I returned from jail I could not even operate the microwave. Now I have some idea about how I want to spend my life. This really is the first time I've thought past..."what is to eat?" Maybe this is a step to know where I want to be.

I missed out on so many things such as spending time with my awesome friend in London. Now she wants me to be there by her birthday in February. I will at least begin to see if this could happen, realistically. Again, what is realistic? I want to go and have some fun! I stopped myself with my bird as an excuse.

Sky is great, she's funny, interesting, she talks, cusses, and would make a great pet for someone who was living in the same place and had kids or time. I did this for nine years and now I have other things on my mind. I want to get out of here and move on. But I must step carefully and find a new place where I'm accepted, not the friend no one wants to admit to.

Geez, it's been fun...bye bye!

I acted idiotic today, but I did not realize that all of the emotion needed to be channeled into something that finally serves me! I never know what will happen and today was not an exception. One friend calls me a roller coaster ride. Lot's of screaming in fear, but when the rides over, you want to do it again. Or at least I do. I'm ready for major change and each day there is an opportunity.

One change would be to eliminate the bullshit. I can handle only so much. I'm far too obsessed with truth and fairness, openness, and so forth to deal with unnecessary drama. I have to deal with the crap in my head which takes too much time. I could have had  more done today, but I was side tracked with my drama.

My fear has become a fucking lifestyle, Geez ! No more, I don't want to waste my time anymore. I want out of this valley...there I said it. I want to be away from the drama that I probably helped create. People expect me to be "crazy" or "a good friend" which means they have decided what I'm supposed to be. No, I decide what I am going to be.

I'll be a friend to me...

I've known it all along, the answers are there for us all. I needed to look but had too much of the past right in my face, on my mind. It is time to settle it all down and be my own friend. Have positive things to say about me. "Gee Laura good job not being too insane..." Kidding.

But that is another big step: liking me. I'm not exactly into it. Hating me has been my activity. Not a good idea. Those who do this are rarely successful or happy. I am toying with the whole idea of being happy. What if I could do it? What would it look like?

Thanks for another lesson...

Those who played this event out...thank you. I would not be facing all this emotion without you. Now I can get rid of it. Hope you can too.

I'll be back for more I guess. Good luck to us all. Laura Hart

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